Dirty Tricks
Page 2

  Howdy boys and girls. It's time for the next installment of
our little collection of bad stuff, evil tricks, and rotten plots to pull.
Expect humor.
Buckle up.
Enjoy the Ride.

51.) Want a quick way into an electronically locked room? Use a lamp cord to short out the card reader/keypad. If it doesn't automatically open (like a door would, when it senses an electrical fire), it'll attract people who'll investigate. By default, they will need access to that room (because the fire might be because of something on the other side of said door).

52.) Need cash quick? Try using that wicked Computers + Intelligence on a friendly neighborhood ATM. Hey, if it worked for John Connor (ala Terminator 2), it'll damn well work for you, right? Barring that, use a tow truck to pull that mother out of the ground, and grab the non-dye packed dough. It's also in your best interest to lay an escape route.

53.) Need a good way to keep the bad guys on their toes? Use terror tactics from various armed conflicts around the world. It's said that no one likes finding a friend hanging in front of their door, suspended by his own intestines. Try it out; form your own opinion. If that's too graphic, try digging up the local dead, and putting them in the target's home(s). Fun.

54.) The guy's too hard to just keep beating with your fist, eh? Use a new method; alternate between shouting *directly* in his ear, and kicking his groin. One will catch his attention, whereas the other will definitely pique his interest. Or, if you have a grip on him from behind, try something called "ponystrangling"; knee his lower back, and shake him like a rag doll.

55.) If you need a good way to dispose of a weapon cheaply (one with too many murders on it's litany of sins, for example), try a good pile/puddle of thermite. It's cheap, easy, and *totally* decimates the fingerprints, DNA samples, and the like. Total decimation of all traces back to you. This method also works for bodies, if you have enough of it.

56.) Cheap Bastard's Guide to a City's Underworld: kidnap a punk, and work him/her over for information. When they give you a name of the next level up in the food chain, find them. Repeat process. Eventually, you'll be Streetwise. You also might be a very spotty target.

57.) Drugs: if you want the goods ones, try the legal ones. No street drug, regardless of the hype, is worth it. Real life experience teaches one this lesson; not a single person owes their fame and self-worth to marijuana, peyote, or XTC. Try the *really* good drugs; nicotine, alcohol, and caffeine. Any of these works wonders, properly applied.

58.) Nicotine: in cigarette form, it can be a timer (how many smokes til the op), a detonator (placed in a pack of matches as a fuse), used to light a small area (to read a sign/letter), or, as a last ditch weapon. Get the tip glowing hot, long, and very pointy. Cup it in your hand, and smash it into the face of your assailant. Results:busted nose, heated ash, and lots of pain.

59.) Alcohol: in liquor form, this stuff is worth more than gold, to quote Cabbie from Escape From New York. And, indeed, it is. Use it to help light a campfire, or as an emergency Molatov cocktail. It also has medicinal uses; painkiller, treatment for exposure to extreme cold, or as a disinfectant. It's also a good way to relax, properly applied. Use wisely.

60.) Caffeine: a cheap, legal stimulant. Nuff said. It comes in about a dozen forms, ranging from slap patch, food products, drinks of all stripes, and even, oddly enough, a powder form. The powder form is useful for slipping into a normal drink (non-alcoholic only) to boost it's efficiency. Or, as a last ditch, you can add it to coffee, making a tar-like sludge. Shiver.

61.) Cheap weapons (for Dummies): cotton pants can be turned into a viable weapon, provided you have shoes on. Tie the legs off, put a shoe in each leg, and clench with the belt loops. Good as a club. Alternately, it can be turned into strips, and made into a garotte. Fun.

62.) Cheap weapons (for Dummies II): it's been said that a thousand throats can be cut in a single night by a running man. I'll bet he could do fifty percent better if he did so while using Ginsu materials, decent athletic footwear, and a healthy dose of common sense. If you're doing a suprise attack on the move, keep your momentum up by not stopping for a protracted battle. Keep running; make a second pass, not a first stop. Get them on the way back.

63.) House paint can be your friend; pour it into a gas tank. Spread it on a victim as a warning. Throw it out the back of a van on the move. Hurl it into a victim's living room window; they'll *never* get the paint out of the drapes. Not all damage is direct; it's more costly to be slick. But the results are *way* more satisfying. Fuck 'em if they can't take a hint.

64.) Spray paint: a cure-all if ever we've heard of one. Useful as mace, territory marking, or for seriously putting the works on someone's car. Want to get even with a Bad Guy? Spray paint hate slogans on his car. Stuff that the locals would find offensive. Stuff that'd make a skinhead scream for mercy. Stuff that his fellow supernatural critters would kill over.

65.) Thought for the day: hide in places they don't want to look, if you're on the run. Homeless shelters. Public restrooms. A fish market's spoilage bin. On a garbage scow. Hey, while you're there, ask the ST to give you a few  Perception + Scrounging rolls. You'd be surprised, what gets thrown out these days. Fun.

66.) Close quarter combat tip: when kicking a seriously injured opponent, aim for places of interest. Like, the groin. Eyes. Teeth. Y'know. Places you think he'd kick you, given the chance. Fight as hard as you can; it's the hesitant dweeb that gets offed. They won't hesitate to off you, either. It's the way of the world; injure, or be injured.

67.) Insertion into enemy territory looks difficult? Bah; use common sense. Invisible becomes invincible with only a few short steps. Try taking on the disguise of a fun-lovin' cabbie. Pick an American car built before seat belt laws; something practically made out of cast iron. Something that can double as a battering ram. The more dents, the better the camoflauge. That, and the neat little plexiglass separation screen can be a handy thing.

68.) Want a free ticket to take out your opponent in one easy shot? Load squirtgun with ammonia and chlorine. The mix is called phosgene gas; lethal shit. Ffear a botched to-hit.

69.) How to hit the guy in the back, when he's facing you; use the buddy system. One person gets him to turn around with a tap on the shoulder from behind, and you have the miracle shot. Boom; one hit to the head with a claw hammer, and down he goes. Repeat, if it's not enough. Or, use a shotgun. Either way, icky. Personally, I use a shotgun, but that's me.

70.) Wake Up Call #312: want to make an impression on the guy, without breaking his skull (tip #69)? Try gaining access to his domicile, and waking him up with a sledgehammer blow to his headboard, pinning a iron fencetop post to his headboard. Add a note to taste. Enjoy.

71.) How to Win People and Influence Minds, Volume 1: want to break someone's head? Kidnap his family, and put them up in a luxurious hotel in the Bahamas. Tell *him* the rotten meat he's smelling from under his blindfold is his family. Just as he's about to break free and kill you, drop a curtain, revealing his family, on the beach outside, enjoying the sun and surf. Then smile, and wave to them, as they watch Daddy ponystrangling you.. You... The benefactor; the one with the too-slick smile, the wads of cash, the tuition funding. Daddy.

72.) If Trick #71 didn't work, try this... Replace his family's happy future with actually turning them into rotten meat, but convincing him they're in the Bahamas, enjoying the good life. The subtle differences must be experienced to be believed.

73.) Embarassing Photo Ops: bribe a local cop into handcuffing your mark to a prostitute, long enough for your paparazzi opportunistic self to get a gaggle of Polaroids. For real fun, make the working girl a working *boy*. Chances are, his boss won't like the photos, especially if you fax them during a vital meeting. Bonus; 'X' out the faces, so it lets his mind wander on when you're going to drop the axe. They will break; trust me. Everyone breaks. *Everyone*.

74.) Fun Fact: most people will grab the first thing on their nightstand, and drink it, if they left something there the night before. Adjust the temperature in their room, and bring it to a boil. Add a judicious use of the chemical handler's card, and you've got the recipe for disaster. I personally recommend using something like hydrochloric acid. Fun stuff.

75.) Fun with the government: people need radios. Radios can be used to track you, if it's in the hands of the police. Buy a police scanner; learn the lingo, become well-versed in radio communications. Ask pointed questions of police officers. If ever you should happen to obtain a police car, use it to full advantage. Call in the car chasing you as stolen.

76.) Get Out of Jail Free: need an exit from a jail/prison/holding cell? Use what your people are good at. For Vamps, that's the "play dead" bit. For Garou, it's that "Crinos in a cell" trick. Mages.. well, they have about sixty three billion methods, so I won't bother. Fae? Just.. die.

77.) How to Win the Fight, Before it Starts, part I: if it's a formal fight, mutter that if you lose, you'll pay six crackheads to rape his family. He'll lose, or break the rules trying to kill you. Either way, it's a win for you. Unless he kills you. Then, it's a win, but for him, instead.

78.) How to Win the Fight, Before it Starts, part II: if it's an informal fight, as in a back alley brawl, the rules are changed. Let him know you'll have his family raped by crackheads if you *win*. He'll fight hard, and make a mistake like leaning over you and gloating. Time enough to aim a shot for the bridge of his nose. Sucker punches work miracles.

79.) Never underestimate the power of your environment to provide a worhtwhile weapon. Car attennas hurt like hell if you whip 'em at a fella's eyes. Ditto for a thrown hubcap. Use a door as a swinging bashig device. Pin a guy with a flag pole. Throw a lawn gnome at his head. For real sick fun, start packing a sock full of broken glass. Whap. Ouch.

80.) Improvising a retreat: need an exit? Look around for inobvious methods of retreat. Like access ducts, HV/AC systems, sewer outlets. Ditto for under-the-floor crawlspaces; found in large homes worldwide. Or, if it's in an office block, calculate the odds of surviving a drop out a window, versus whatever threat you're trying to out run. Do the math.

81.) Whenever possible, lift tactics from the winners of wars, and not from the shemps who lost them. Think victory, not style or entertainment value. Movies like "Saving Private Ryan", "The Thin Red Line", "Glory", and "Platoon" are a good place to start. Yeah, I know, we *technically* lost in Vietnam, but there's no sense ignoring winning tactics used by Americans. If it's a knockdown, dragout, no-holds-barred fight, get historic on 'em.

82.) Sick Evil Prank #980: capture a "baddie", hang him/her upside down in a vat filled with earthworms in a mixture of water and soil (90% earthworms/10% wet soil). Leave them with a respirator for oxygen; allow them to hang there for about ten hours. Let them go; their fractured minds will do the rest. See? Nothing died. Well, except their poor widdle brain.

83.) Severely Disturbed Tactics: clearing a room is an easy task, if you use some primal fears. Send in someone in convincing makeup muttering about his new infectious disease, and how cool it'd be to give it to the folks in the target area. For realism, make them a leper; special effects makeup, some bandages, and a handful of rotten meat. Ick. In a big way.

84.) "And now, sports...": using the public media to fuck over your opponent is a great way to send a message; fuck with me, and you're on the evening news. Find a vampire's haven; send a film crew in as "investigative journalists, seeking a reclusive witness". Ditto for Garou; hmmm.. why not just send them into the Caern you've had your eye on? Could be profitable.

85.) Lines to remember, if the other guy doesn't seem to believe you're serious...
    "Do you think I'm playing a headgame here?" (shoot an underling of their's)
    "Is my 'fucking with you' light on again?" (shoot a second underling)
    "Do I fucking stutter?" (shoot the third underling)
    "Now, would you like me to pop a cap in a fourth fuckup, or would you like to talk?"
By the time you have snuffed the second guy, they're definitely listening to you.

86.) Lines to remember, if they pull the above stunt on you:
    "Yes." (shoot their closest compatriot in the face)
    "In a big way." (shoot their next in command)
    "Now, shut the fuck up, or I'll put the hurt on you." (shoot them in the calf)
    "Are we crystal fucking clear here yet?"
If they haven't gotten the hint after the first guy that *you're* the biggest problem in the room, they will definitely take notice of that possibility as soon as you shoot their calf.

87.) Heavy Duty Researching, Made E-Z: hire a research firm to assist. Subcontract out a designer who's done similar work. Hit the books; hit the streets. Find all possible links to *everything*. Build the idea from the ground floor up; be intimately acquainted with the work itself. Leave nothing to chance; know all on the topic, no matter how small or insignificant.

88.) These Boots Weren't Made For Walkin'; buy a pair of steeltoed boots. Some cleated boots worn by loggers. Golf shoes. Something you can "leave an impression" with. Invest in a pair of "fourwheeled" rollerskates. Ouch; one kick, and it's assault with a deadly weapon. But it works. For a lot of reasons, and in a lot of ways, it's one of the best tools for the job.

89.) Area Denial Made E-Z: barbed wire only works so well. Ditto for gaurd dogs. You want to make an area un-fuckin'-touchable by the local supernatural threat? Try inviting three influential crime lords over for tea and crumpets. By the time the limos stop pulling up, the goobers who've been casing your place are strung up by Johnny Q. Mafioso and his Quartet of Fuckin' Doom. Remember; organized crime lords have armies to spare. Always. Enjoy.

90.) Places to Set Up Shop 101: abandoned warehouses are deathtraps. Ditto for penthouses. Try a crackhouse. They're fuckin' fortresses. The police have designed tanks to break the tougher ones open. Wow. It takes a fuckin' *tank*. Do the math, genius. The other guy's probably gonna need one, if you set yourself up in one of these places. OK, so it's not ethical, moral, or even particularly safe... but then again, neither are most player's *normal* homes.

91.) Cheap and Efficient Weaponry, Volume II: invest in that shotgun mentioned previously. Buy a chainsaw. That's right. A chainsaw. A smart opponent runs like Hell once that sucker comes out of hiding. No need to swing it; he knows if he runs and stops to attack, you'll nail him through a sheetrock wall. If he approaches, he risks joining the Vienna Boys Choir. Whee.

92.) Never underestimate the power of a kitchen to provide a lethal weapon. Skillets, cleavers, pots filled with hot liquids, angry ethnic cooks bearing cutlery; you get the idea. Either stay out of them, or hole up in one during a chase scene.

93.) Outdoor Survival Tip: caves make good hideouts, when the chips are down. On the plus side, some come with built-in alarms.. bats. They produce a strong smelling excreta, yes, but it does lend itself to new ideas. Like, for example, what to do if you catch fifty of them, to be released in the vehicle of your opposition. Wham. Insta-confusion. That, and it's cozy.

94.) How to handle Johhny Q. Mad Scientist: bomb him at a distance. To Hell with exploring the ruins of Castle "X", trying to find the mysterious Dr. Whatever. If he's a threat, pull a Ripley on 'em; "Nuke them from orbit; it's the only way to be sure". Bing. Case closed.

95.) How to Handle Johnny Q. Vampire: arson. Pitchforks and torches-style mob at his door. Dousing the place with gasoline from a water cannon. Using inventive methods of explosive delivery; mailbombs, catapulted munitions, pitched grenades. Why go hand to hand with them? They might win that way. Why risk it, when you can use a winning method?

96.) How to Handle Johnny Q. Garou: silver galore. Silver cleats. Silver spikes on your leather jacket. Silver bullets in both of your Uzi's (go Chow Yun Fat on his ass!). Five of your best buddies packing autoshotguns, firing through walls; by simple statistics, fifty rounds each, from five guys equals 250 rounds per session. Five sessions per hour, until target is destroyed, or munitions run low. Do not retreat when empty; retreat when 1/2 empty.

97.) How to Handle Johnny Q. Changeling: iron fence tops on your boots. Iron rounds from a pair of Ingram Mac-11's fired from a briefcase. Cast iron slugs, from a double-barrelled shotgun. Iron garotte wire. Iron, iron, iron. Go nuts. Unless he's iron resistant. Then go steel.

98.) Psychological Warfare, in a Siege Situation; Noriega knows this one *real* well. Spice Girls. Hanson. Backstreet Boys. Jar Jar's voice clips from Star Wars: Phantom Menace. Baz Luhrman's "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen). Play them 24-7, at high volume. Play 'em backwards twice a day, to keep them edgy. Or, hire a sucky industrial band, with no talent.

99.) Zen and the Art of Weapons Maintenance; buy a gun cleaning kit. Yeah, I know it's not a dirty trick, but it's for the realism of you "Firearms Pool of 8+" types. No self-respecting person owning a gun goes without cleaning it. The dirty trick part is the one your storyteller will pull on you, in the moment of truth. "What do you mean, it just *clicks*?"

100.) And, so it ends again, til the next installment. In the final trick, I give this moment of glory to my taste in music; I'm a big fan of theme music. I like it when the music fits the scene to a "t"; car chases and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. Club scenes with Rob Zombie. Gunfights to the Crow soundtrack. Filter for the ever-popular "Getting your game face on" scene. Smash Mouth for the suburban backdrop scenes. Except for "All Star"; that's for the real special moments. Which ones? I ain't tellin'. Seriously.

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