A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away..... (cue music) There was a time, when the right needed to be set from the wrong, on one side there was the evil Critic Empire, who would try everything in their power to destroy the one thing that created hope for a lot of people, the Legacy of the Star Wars franchise. But there was opposition to this great force in the form of the Fan alliance, a legion of people devoted to the cause of Star Wars, and all the merchandise it would produce. Then came a climactic time for the Empire and the Alliance. The franchise was set to unleash a new power, and the Critic Empire was ready to extinguish it. The Alliance appeared to be in trouble. But coming out of the obscurity of cyberspace came a hope, a.... new hope. A young lad named Tim Moonwalker, and accompanied by rebel fighter pilot, Jimmy Duet, his furry sidekick/wife Chinchewbacca, lovable droids Jehu-D2 and Furby 3-P.O.'ed, and young Tim's master, Jason Two-Kenobi, they set out to crush the Empire's hope for destruction.... with a review. (cut music) I waited for it.... days and days and days. I dodged the hype, I kept my head clear, everytime it was mentioned, I covered my ears and ran out of the room I was in screaming, sacrifing any good thoughts people had of me... But it was worth it, because at 3:45 p.m., Friday May 21, 1999 I walked into Auditorium 6 with a clear mind.... Except for the fact that I was pissed off that I had lost a freaking game of X-Men to my best friend. I calmed myself with the half pound box of Mike and Ike's I snuck... er purchased at the theater and waited.... From the opening credits, with the once familiar theme playing, I got goosebumps, maybe from the cold, or from the movie. It started with a bang, bringing us a fight sequence about 10 minutes into the movie, with lightsaber's a blazin' and the force a... forcin'. But here is where a problem came in.... That cursed Jar-Jar Binks... I found the character too dumb even for my standards, the least that Lucas could have done was A) Given Jar-Jar a course in speech, or B) Make sure he passed a drug test before he did anything... This guy was on SERIOUS crack, with his looney ramblings and his constant love of messing things up, Jar-Jar was a loon, a crackcase, and every other adjective I can throw at his cute little floppy ears.... I found the character of Qui-Gon Jinn, played by Liam Neeson to be a great character. I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS! LIAM NEESON IS GOOD! DO NOT INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE! FORGET ROB ROY MAN! I mean, geez, why don't we just bring up a little movie called Six Days Seven Nights? Poor Harrison... his career hath come to making romantic comedies with.... you know. Neeson reminded me of Sir Alec Guiness' Obei-Wan Kenobi. Don't get me wrong, no one can be better than the Alec man himself, after all, he has his own book of World Records. Neeson did a great job coming across as a wise old Jedi master, and he looked pretty damn good weilding that lightsaber. Speaking of Old (or not so in this one) Obei-Wan Kenobi, I found him to be a weak character in this one. Ewan McGregor convinced me of a young Alec Guiness, just like he set out to do. I don't blame him for Obei's faults, but the writing... I felt like Obei Wan was whipped because he kept refering to Qui-Gon as master. Sure he was his apprentice, but who would have not loved to see Kenobi at least shout out Qui man or Gon-o? Heck, it sure would have made him seem like more of a free spirit. But now I pull out my crystal ball and predict that the character will be better in the next two movies, or else I use that cool throat thing like Darth Vader. Well, starting to notice some kind of connection? Jake Lloyd bugged me to death in this one. From his stiff dare I say it, Leonardo DiCaprio forced lines (Man that could ruin the kid if he reads it) to the poor dialogue he was given. Give me a break.. I'm gonna be a Jedi Master, Whoopie! I could have done without the whoopie, who says whoopie in space? Not anyone I know. All I can say is Thank God they're going to get a new Annakin for the next movie... As for Jake, well, don't worry he'll end up in a movie about a sinking ship and then he'll plunge into the weird side of Hollywood. Playing the villian in all this was one Ray "Trailer" Park as the Halloween party best costume winner Darth Maul. This character had a lot of potential. I mean, who wasn't at least the smallest bit spooked when they saw him? He looks like the Devil for crying out loud, the devil is scary, you should have at least been semi scared. He could fight too, I think his stunt double was a 4'10 japanese martial arts star with the moves he used. But, despite his cool weapon and ability to fight, Darth Maul was the silent type... Not good when you have a villian who is not the tallest. You either got to have size or a good ability to say evil things like "When Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!" I wasn't very frightened by his only line I can remember "Then we shal expose ourself to the Jedi" Wait... come to think of it, if he looks like that, maybe "exposing" himself to the Jedi is a scary thing..... How can I go on without mentioning Yoda? I can't. Yoda rules, even if it was a sock with beady eyes and a smoker's voice and he said things in ebonics, Yoda would still rule. Yoda is the man! or thing, whatever the hell he is. Speaking of the man. A big applause goes to Samuel L. Jackson's portrayal of Mace Windu. Sure he was lacking that sweet sweet afro from Pulp Fiction, but he was still cool. Give him a spinoff series Lucas, DON'T BE A FOOL! I can see it now, Yoda and Windu sitting in a restaurant, car, whatever you want, having the most unusual yet intriguing converations before they go out and do some dirty work for Marcell da Hut. Ezekiel my brother, Ezekiel. Playing the strong heroine to this movie is Natalie Portman playing Queen Amadilla. Natalie sounded like a college proffessor... Show some enthusiasm girl! You're only gonna give birth to two of the coolest people ever to exist in a few years! I think the queen compared nothing to Princess Leia... Unless she tries on that Jabba slave suit... Then we'll talk. (God I am gonna get hurt for that one... Goodbye fingers, it's been great knowing you) Senator/ Emporor Palpatine, played by Ian McDiamid rules. Don't mess with him, if he can shape Jake Lloyd into some big freaky guy in a black suit who can crush throats without touching people, and can have the voice of James Earl Jones, GIVE THAT MAN AN OSCAR! Hell, give him all of Hollywood... Chicks dig evil old guys and so do I. O.K., enough analyzing the characters, let's get to plot shall we? Plot was good. Related to modern times with trade problems. Change a few names and we have the U.S. and Cuba, but we have to replace the Jedi masters with Intern masters, and Lightsabers with a good ol' shotgun and we have a paralell to the movie... Or I could be losing my mind... I vote for the second. Seriously, the plot moved along well, picking up pace as the pieces fell into place. The special effects were awesome! Too many? Nah, you can never have enough special effects. Just ask Micheal Jackson. I loved the foreshadowing that the movie brought too, such as some of the things Palpatine mentions to young Annakin. I found myself laughing with evil glee. There was a lot of aliens too, aliens are good to have in Sci-Fi movies. Some people say there were too many. I say the aliens add diversity. Plus they got cool names, like Sebubla. I love that name... Sebulba! Seeeeeeeeeeebulba! Is that a Sebulba in your pocket or... you get the idea. O.K... so much for my reputation as a tough guy (did I have one?) I admit I found myself... semi brought to tears when Annakin had to leave his mother, it was a touching moment... Say, come to think of it, (I don't want to offend anyone... anymore at least) but doesn't Annakin remind us of some religious figure? No bilogical father, he was just conceived, kind of cool. I thought the ending was shocking. I won't say what happens because I would be beaten to death with toy lightsabers by those who haven't seen the movie, but I didn't think that some of the twists would happen, at least not yet. It will be interesting to see how the next two movies play out... I suppose I can give a prediction, but that'll be another time, after all, aren't your eyes getting tired? (Ending Star Wars theme plays as credits roll, everyone stands up and stretches, and heads out for the daylight.) May the Force be with you.
