How does it feel to press a razor blade into your own arm? What is it like, watching yourself bleed?
Well, there is a slight stinging sensation, as the blade punctures the skin, and then a mild burning sort of pain when you drag it along. This becomes less noticeable as you make more cuts, I guess with your natural painkillers going to work to numb the pain.
Watching the blood -
I guess there's nothing like it.
Sometimes cuts don't bleed instantly. There are seconds, long seconds where they show only as a pale line on the skin, before the first red droplets begin to ooze forth.
Then there is a huge rush, a surge of liberation when the blood starts to flow, as you ease up the pressure on the blade. A feeling of
ACHIEVEMENT
SUCCESS
Your heart beats faster
Your breathing changes....
Sometimes I have watched a little river of blood flow right from my shoulder to my wrist before washing it away. Hours of painful pleasure have passed, as I have experienced the only joy I thought I deserved, the joy of self destruction. The ritual, the reasoning, were all irrelevant. It was the action that counted.
Conquering my fear of pain, giving myself exactly what I deserved. Bleeding.
A natural high.
A little death.