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past the mission, i smell the roses
- tori amos

welcome to emergence. survivors of sexual violation, their friends and family, and anyone else who wants to be supportive, helpful, and respectful of this sacred space is thoroughly welcome here. please come with an open mind and an open heart. in creating this place, i hope that somehow, at sometime, someone else finds a piece of their own strength and determination, and sees in the mirror their own beautiful reflection.

i've created this site as a place where victims of sexual violation can come to feel safe, accepted, cherished, and, hopefully, less alone. it is my mission to take anyone who asks for my help into my arms, and comfort as best i can. i myself am a victim of childhood sexual abuse, and i'm now beginning to accept what has happened and make an attempt to heal. i've chosen the healing name butterfly, because when a butterfly emerges from its chrysalis it is a whole being, able to fly and leave its predators earthbound. when i emerge, when i fly, when i am free, i will leave him earthbound and i will soar, so far above his head that the sun will blind him and hide me from his view.

as i said, my name is butterfly. i'm seventeen years old, and my first violation occured about twelve years ago, when i was just a skinny girl with a small bed and mismatched plastic barrettes in my hair. it's hard for me, when i get into a space where i relive what has happened, i see images like too-bright fireworks, i am struck by the innocence i possessed then. the wide-eyed fear which dominates my features as i remember mirrors my emotions of those times. the shameful silence which is lifting from around me stings like salt in a wound.

i am beginning to be able to tell my story to more and more people. my mouth moves easier now. i can look into someone's eyes and tell them at least a full sentence about what has happened before i have to look away, instead of choking and sputtering on a few small words, my head spinning, my eyes darting from side to side in a nervous, paranoid manner. i am moving closer and closer to freedom. i am, piece by piece and bit by bit, somehow finding the way back to me, using a map i drew a long time ago and then forgot about. the hand is the map, the heart is the guide.

please be safe while visiting this or any related websites. be aware of your current emotional situation, and if you feel like something like this would be too much, bookmark this page and come back again at another time. i hope that this page is helpful in some way. i'm currently collecting poems, stories, and other links to post here. if you have anything you'd like to share (comments, questions, submissions, tips, thoughts, criticisms, anything!) please e-mail me. if you just want to talk, i'm here for that too. anything that you send will be used only with your permission, so don't worry about confidentiality or anonymity. and i'll be updating this page as often as i can, so please come back frequently to see what i've added.

updates 9.7.00
tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday!

i was bestowed ownership of my favourite online mailing list/support groups, light in the dark, created by my darling mercutia. i am very proud of this honor (one of the best presents i've gotten for my birthday so far).

i have also recently interviewed one of my favourite survivor artists, raven kaliana. read the interview here.

added a new letter to unmailed sagas thanks to patricia.

received the angel of honesty award.

added a new link (bekah's tears in the dark) to the pathways section.

coming soon:
a cooperative website with my dear friend andi, creator of butterfly's web; new sections in emergence devoted to date rape and emerging survivor sites; and an all-out emergence remodel and makeover!

the little girl
the story of my own violation

whispers in the dark
survivor stories

the quiet type
a safe place for male survivors

sowing seeds
why i do this work

saving yourself
how to avoid being violated, and what to do if you have been

truths and lies
statistics and myths about sexual violation

blue cocoon
ways to cope with difficult days

making the transformation from victim to survivor

bloody gardenias
recovering love, romantic relationships and sexuality in the aftermath of sexual violation

pale flowers
friendship after violation: difficulties, ways to help a friend who is a survivor, and secondary survivors

unmailed sagas
letters written to attackers

silent speeches
words about telling (or choosing not to tell) family, friends, and lovers

scrawling fingers
a collection of survivor poems written by myself and others

escape routes
recommendations for helpful music, literature, and art

words of wisdom
some of my favorite and most inspirational quotes and song lyrics

red velvet curtains
theatre and performance art experimentation as therapy

the stroke of a brush
survivor art and information about the art displayed on this site

dark allure
suicide: a personal account

lavinia's torment
flashbacks: descriptions, coping techniques, personal accounts

messengers of night
dreams and sleep: general information about dreams, insomnia

razorblade temptations
self-mutilation: different kinds of self-mutilation, protecting yourself, coping techniques

veiled demons
sexual ritual abuse: what it is, words from a survivor of s.r.a.

worshipped reflections
falling in love with yourself

color of passion
expressing outrage, rants, ways to turn anger into something positive

silver pennies
expressions of gratitude

bells for her
my personal pilgrimage to tori amos

a large collection of support websites

chorus of voices
supportive mailing lists

helping hands
webrings this site is on

house of mirrors
awards and honors this site has been given

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i have adopted a butterfly from the creator of my sister site, butterfly's web!
Fly to Butterfly's Web!

this website is my artistic creation. the concept and design is my own.