"Wham-Bam - I'M A MONKEY
KILLIN' MAN!!!" - Will Bridges
"Grand Theft Vitae" - Will Bridges
"Well, what you don't know is that my Bastet isn't a carbon-based life-form,
so nyah!" - Erin
Richard Hughes on DX-Ball:
"I... can't... get... it... up..."
"It won't go in the little hole..."
"There are 6 billion people having sex with Richard right now" - Tony
Rasmussen
"I just know that's Tony..." - Erin
"Ventrue Feeding Restriction: Automobiles???" - Will Bridges
"No, methamphetamines are fun. Lemurs are squirrels." - Sean
Slavik
More Fun with Lemurs (Note: This could also apply to Richard... or so
we hear):
"What do you mean 'Is it in yet'? No, no, I'm finished!"
"Headache nothing, I'm done already!"
"Please refrain from losing any fingers during Listen-Up..." - Brian
"Ceentract Eef Bleeeed..." - Kory Pickard
"Hisw feer kneehledge... BØRK BØRK BØRK!" - Richard
Hughes
"You lose, FOOL!" - Erin
"First, you go to radio shack..." - Will Bridges
"I can listen to people through their faucets!" - Tony Rasmussen
"G'night, bitch." ... "G'night, ho." - Richard and
Erin
| The Media
Never Lies |
"...the Vampire
of Impeachment..." - the BBC
"Okay, but if my balls get munched by some mutant eels or evil alien
overlords, I'm gonna whup both yo' asses wit' all my remaining limbs."
- Fruity, from MTV's Downtown
"There are farm animals with no balls having more fun than I am
right now." - Also Fuity, from MTV's Downtown
"With Freedom comes Nudity!!" - Zorak
"Get me my hard plastic eyeballs so I may watch the television.
They're on the dresser next to the car keys. [crash] Imbecile."
- Carl, a talking brain of Carl And Son, to his son, also
a talking brain.
"If I had hands and you had a neck, I would squeeze you until your
brain which is your body popped out of your head which doesn't exist."
- Carl to Son (again)
"BIG HAWAIIAN GIANT: $11.99!" - Abbey's Pizza Sign
"And you're supposed to be dumpster diving for hamster scraps,
you six-piece chicken McNobody!" - Spaceghost to Birdman
"Stumps Don't Lie" - Dirt-Hippie's bumper sticker (dedicated
to Buck the Gangrel)
"Then get on your bicycle and pedal like a freaky little hamster..."
- Verizon Commercial
"Wieners, wieners, wieners; stick them in your face. Wieners,
wieners, wieners... Get it? It's like my johnson. Alpha!" -
Rosco, from MTV's Undergrads |
"No, Richard... ya see, it's only funny if you weren't having sex."
- Brian
"You think I'm joking? Just TRY touching my ass..." - Brian
"I'm gonna make some more groovy." - Erin
"They're like sea-people with big mustaches." - Richard Hughes on Sea
Otters
"It makes you forget to recycle..." - Erin on Pentex Pharmaceuticals
"Am I in a @&#*@%$ box AGAIN?!" - Jason Bickel
"Yup.." - Will Bridges
"An Evil Paving Crew?" - Erin in a Dr. Evil accent.
"Very astute, your parents." - Brian in a Dr. Evil accent.
"Ewoks are immortal." - Erin
| Fun CORPS
Quotes: |
"Shut
up and shoot, dillweed." - Martin Chamberlain (as Lobo McLeod)
"I'm about ready to
go over there and give that dude a piece of my piece." - Martin
Chamberlain as Darrius Cionna (whipping out his revolver)
"You don't need all
those limbs, anyway..." - Brian to Martin (as Lobo McLeod)
"A wise man once said: 'You're gonna die, bastard.'" - Martin to
Brian (after losing both legs and an arm)
"Excuse me, is this
yours?" - Martin Chamberlain (as Darrius Cionna, carrying a dead
Mafia agent into the Don's office after mailing him one a day for
a month)
"...deal, like this,
with genitals..." - Aaron Sellars (accidentally, after having said
"...deal with this like Gentlemen" all frikkin' night)
"Enough is enough of
your stuff..." - Matt Deane (Richard Garfield) to Lyle Klingman
(Tad Kellison) during a heated argument
"I'm gonna whip out
my Glock and reduce her Health the old-fashioned way!" - Jason Smythe
(playing a psionic with the MICROSTAT advantage)
"You're calling a Multinational
Company..." - Secretary called by Brian at work
"Mwhahahaha Click."
- Kevin Temple, as Jerry Hoffman
"A little paranoia
may be the key to longevity." - Adam Schiff, Law And Order
"He wants what? A Stinger
Missile? A Stinger Missile. As in a heat-seeking ground-to-air
missile? ... He wants to pay us how much? I'll have it by
Wednesday." - 'Zeke', James Earhart's Black Market contact.
"... gimmeten." - Kevin
Temple on ASPs |
"Overheard on a Chevron Commercial: Fish Love Oil Rigs!" - Brian
"Nevermind... I'm Drunk!" - Richard Hughes (blissfully)
"Oh cool... we'll be hungover in the morning and you can make fun of us
and we'll hate you." - Eli Juhola
"...'cuz you're drunk... sorry don't fall over" - Eli Juhola
Here we see Eli Juhola's Secret Obsession:
"Jeff, you hafta help me to find my bread!"
"Here you go, I don't wanna spill my bread."
"I think I just inhaled bread..."
"Brian... even if you're not on the bus, you can stand and look at the
bus, 'cuz you're the bomb." - Eli Juhola
"Not the broom! OH NO, NOT AGAIN!" - Eli Juhola
"I am Darth Guacamole and this is my DEATH BURRITO!" - Brian
"I just had a disturbing thought... what if the Hokey-Pokey really is
what it's all about?" - Eli Juhola
"Dude, I dropped my skull..." - Jason Bickel (Ha, we finally caught you!!)
"You'd think after 23 years of swallowing I'd get it right..." - Bill
Daniels, choking on a French Fry
"...aaand here's my pocket scorpion." - Bill Daniels
"Heeeyy... you're female. I like that in a girl." - Eli Juhola
| Sean Slavik's
Immortal Wisdom Revealed: |
"Link me, dillhole."
"Link me, bitchass."
"Link me, cocknocker."
"Linxx0r m3, j0."
"...I'm afraid to go home..."
"I could give two shits and still not give a f*ck."
"Stop it, asshole, you're cheering me up."
"I need to go feed Guido the Porcelain God."
"Sorry, just got back from the 'Realm of Stupidness'." |
"No, it has to be BB and AB... Before Brian and After Brian. There has
never been such a clear cut line since Jesus." - Stephanie Nicora (Yes!
I'm the new messiah!)
"I have a big cook?" - Ron Bjerklund
"Klaatu Barada [cough]Nictuku!" - Brian on bad things
"Signee A hereby agrees to pay the amount of $100,000 upon receiving the
staked and torpored vessel of one duck for the purpose of Diablerie by
signee B." - Contract between Eli Juhola and Jeff Moat
| Tom Munkres
Attempts to get on the page: |
"Don't try to scare
us with your sorcerer's ways Lord Brian. Your sad devotion to that
ancient religion hasn't led you to a new roommate, or given you
clairvoyance enough to find the Neonate's hidden web-"
[Lord Brian puts a small tear in the player's character sheet]
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." |
"Hello! Hellooo! I've
got a rock in my head!"
"Last time I was here I got drunk from water."
"Uh... Guys? His heart is beat... nevermind."
"So I signed it..."
"Cuuurses."
"Ventrue / ST / Citris fruit liaison"
"Now I have to star in a movie about Goblins!" (on David Bowie)
"It's time for CRUNCHY CORN BRAN!!"
"I will kill your monkey and upset your grandchildren."
"If you don't get sex... you're a loser... Which is why I have so
few friends."
"Music to Sleep By: Sucking Chest Wound Mix #9." (on Combat Twinks)
"Ah, topless midgets wheeling around. Now that's refreshing." |
"And now, Qui-Gon Jinn... you die! *crunch*" - Brian to a Collectors-Edition
Pepsi can
"...reach out and nab someone." - Brian to Kevin "The Babysnatcher" Temple
"Noo-Noo Bear?!" - Lyle Clingman Jr. on terms
of endearment
"Okaaay... no more puppet-sex in the back of our van." - Brian
"There's one of me running, and I look like a monkey escaping from a concentration
camp. " - Stephanie Nicora on Photography... she's gonna hate us for this
"Next time you include me in your damn letters, I'll lend you my claw
ring and I'll go ahead and bend over... No matter what, you always sound
like you want to rip me a new one." - Sean Slavik
"Mother Mary, full-o'-grace... St. Jerome, Keep me safe on my journey,
and watch over me... St. Titus, patron saint of small animals, please
help my gerbil to get well." - Jason Smythe on Catholics and Graven
Images
| Disorganized Religion: Equal Opportunity
Anti-"ism"-ist |
"I don't
know about you, but I would never ever eat any deity whose
religion I subscribed to." - Brian on Catholicism
"No; we will keep our saints and images, and venerate them
as the Lord. No; we will treat a mortal man as God, and hold priests
above common man. No; we will continue to accept money for absolvement.
No.; we insist that there is actually a miracle of the Sacrament
and I'm eating a wee bit o' the Lord's johnson... " - Catholicism
(reasons for Reformation)
"I firmly disbelieve in the existance of any supreme being
that created us. You can't prove he exists, therefore I won't believe
in him. What? Prove he doesn't? Uhm... well see, there was
this big explosion, right? Well, there was nothing before that.
Well, I don't know how there was an explosion in a void...
So anyway, there was this explosion, and then we evolved from monkeys.
No, God wouldn't like Evolution. I dunno why, He just wouldn't."
- Atheism
"Hell with religion. No I don't worship science, I just happen
to subscribe to each and every Scientific Theory that's put forth.
What do you mean Theories don't have to be PROVEN?!"
- Yes, Science is a religion, too
"God is dead, but he dun' exist." - Agnosticism
"We don't believe in God or Satan..." - Satanism
"So there was this giant caterpillar with NEW commandments,
and our boy John put on these magic glasses and they told him to
build a city in the middle of the fucking salt flats, with no water
or plant life ANYWHERE in the general vicinity, and put big fuck-off
golden angel statues on everything, and to have many many many wives.
Oh yeah, and not to pollute one's body with nicotine, caffeine,
and alcohol, but owning controlling stock in companies that produce
and distribute them is just peachy." - Mormons
"And the LORD spake, saying 'Go door to door and piss the FUCK
out of people'. " - Jehova's Witnesses
(please note: The Lord didn't ever actually tell Mormons to go door
to door, but He did tell them to ride bicycles a whole bunch,
and they've got nothing better to do while pedalling around.)
"Your religion is ancient... I'd say it's probably unsafe.
Bad idea to rely on deities that decrepit. I've got a nice new religion
here, excellent trade-in value, comes with power steering (bullwhips
and chains), power locks (on the manacles we'll slap you in) and
plenty of legroom (when smallpox wipes out 75% of the indigenous
peoples). What would it take to see you in a brand new religion
today?" - Missionaries
" *WHACK* ...feel better?" - Faith Healers
"And the LORD spake-ah, saying 'you MUST emphasize all SORTS
of fucked up WORDS-AH, and you must ADD that funky 'ah' sound onto
the END of each thought-ah.' " - Southern Baptists
"The Lord decided we're his chosen people and now he fucks
us hardcore to uh.. make sure we're worth it. It's just a test,
you know? And he makes us learn this weird ass language that's all
funny and squiggly lines, and wear our hair like ZZ Top, and record
our geneology back way farther than anyone cares about. And you
can quit with Jesus already... we know he's dead, heh heh
heh..." - Orthodox Judaism
"If you confess to something... we don't care what, really...
while we're torturing you to death, you'll go to Heaven. Well, that
and we get hefty bonuses from the nobility for each execution."
- Inquisition
"Kill the Saracens for the Holy Land, a land of peace and tranquility
where the Lord Baby Jee was born. The streets will flow with Muslim
Blood! Hoo-ah!" - Crusaders
"Kill the Infidels for the Holy Land, a land of peace and tranquility
where the prophet Muhammed taught. The streets will flow with Christian
Blood! Hoo-ah!" - Moors
"I want to be reincarnated as a cow... this is the ultimate
highest supreme big-number-one top level of being. I just hope I
don't wind up in America, or I'll have to have sex a whole bunch
and wind up as hamburger." - Hindu
"Kill enough Infidels, not only do you get into heaven, but
we put you on the Hashishim Wall Of Fame and we all admire you while
we eat our hashish and go into killing frenzies. Um... for Allah...
yeah." - Hashisim
(Modern version: "Allah say, killing bad, but poisoning americans
gets you one miracle. And a fiery death in a bus/van/other large
vehicular transport loaded with 9-penny nails and plastique is a
sure-ticket to heaven.")
"We don' wanna have your religion. We wanna run our own
religion, 'cuz we're sick of being bossed around. Stupid
Catholics, always stifling everything... Now, here's the rules.
You can't do this, or this, or this, or that over there, or that
thing that you're doing right now, or that, or that..." - Protestants
"Populate the earth, but for God's sake, don't have fun
while you're doing it." - All Christian Religions
"You own All of Creation. We'll get around to making rules
on why you shouldn't fuck it up... um... later." - Western
Religion |
"...Poopin' out the cyber-people." - Erin
"hry yu ghunn b home like 9 am ish" - Martin "Two-Fingered-Typist" Chamberlain
via IM
Real conversation on a tapped line in a
Mafia Hangout. I call it, "Ok Guido, let's use code!"
Mafia Guy 1: I just got back from Hawaii
with your shirt.
Mafia Guy 2: My shirt?
Mafia Guy 1: Yeah, got your shirt.
Mafia Guy 2: You got my shirt?
Mafia Guy 1: I got the shirt.
Mafia Guy 2: The shirt got bullets?
"Stay good, Yamcha, stay good!" - Tom and Brian
"No, he's in Torpor. Your current health level is 'hnaarf'." -
Brian
On the Flaw Dark Secret, and OC Knowledge:
Erin: "Y'see Tom, what you don't know is that Redman is actually a Baali-Setite
Infernalist Ventrue Antitribu..."
Tom (interrupting): "...Kinain!"
Erin & Brian: "Yeah! With Mage Spheres!"
| Tom Munkres eulogizes
his third Kobold, Brehk: |
| "Brehk was a short
Kobold... both in stature and in life-span. In order to celebrate
the glory of the Red God, Brehk ventured
outside the cave to get a baby for the feast. However, before he
could do anything the Mighty Brehk was struck down by a band of
Chick-o-Liches commanded by the Dread NecroChicken, just as his
cousin Break had. Whether the Chicken gained these powers upon its
birth, or was enchanted by the Great Wizard Insert-Name-Here, we
shall never know. Nevertheless, we shall remember the valiant struggle
put forth by Brak, Break, Brehk, and all the others who have died
at the beak... of the NecroChicken. Amen." |
"Kick ass, I'm a boy now.. I HAD A SEX CHANGE! *CHEER* NOW I DON'T HAVE
TO GET DICKED ANY MORE!!! (That better not get on the page.)" - Martin
A. Chamberlain (you don't get away that easily)
"I didn't do anything!" - Matt Mullen
"I suggest we use HEAT rounds, you know high explosive anti tank-- that'll
take down a giant ant." - Tony Ray on THEM
"I cannot live without goddamn Life." - Brian on Breakfast Cereal
| Matt Mullen, resident
sexpert, speaks: |
"The feather, the
feather! Sex is imminent!"
"I've seen enough sex."
"Whoo Hoo! Dog sex!"
"Where have you been, Liz? I've been out of the closet for a long
time." |
"... and turn slowly into Matt Deane." - Tohm Sturms
"Where's my head? Where's my head? Have you seen my head? Oh, look! What's
that in your ear? It's my head!" - Brian on Golems
"He cheated on a Power Drill?!" - Matt Mullen
"What... did he go out with a Buzz Saw?" - Tom Munkres
"Hawwo muh nehm is Ewwhen. Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh." - Erin
"Hey, let's watch Starwars." - Brian
"It's like the Vatican versus Italy... no, versus Europe. And they've
held out for this long because 'We're vaaampires... and they're just stupid
dead people.' " - Brian on the "True" [gag] Black Hand
"Yo Mama's a Three-Point Flaw." - Tohm Sturms
"What the hell?! This pink cat has grenades. Oh, it's a leaf." - Ian Larson
"What I'd do is just make accentuated gestures and place C-4 in strategic
locations around the battlefield... er... I mean restaurant..." - Tony
Ray on IHOP Commandos
| Emerald
Gaming Group Presents... |
[Knock Knock
Knock... Jason opens door... Kevin enters]
Jason: Hey Kevin, nice to see you're wearing clothes!
[Shocked silence]
Lyle: Kevin, go out and come in again.
[Kevin exits door, closes it behind him]
Brian: Take two!
[Knock Knock Knock... Jason opens door...
Kevin enters]
Jason: Hey Kevin, nice dudes... duds... damn.
[Kevin exits door, closes is behind him]
Brian: Take three!
[Jason opens door... no Kevin without]
Jason: Kevin...? |
"Never try to stamp out burning C-4." - Tony Ray's Safety Tip of the Day
"Hot coffee... on your testicles..." - Ian Larson (on invisible
men... I hope...)
"Heeeere we are... Wleeeeearg!" - Richard Hughes, Demon Queen of the Drow,
Master of the Great Web of Sin. By Appointment Only.
"Ahh, impotence. Have another heapin' helpin' of flaccidity, won't you?"
- Brian
"You're being a dickhead. No, you've gone far beyond normal
dickhead. You're like a dick... dick." - Sean Slavik, Rapier Wit
(... and just what is a dickdick anyway?)
| Fun with Traditions
(hoping to get all six): |
1. Masquerbation (overheard,
and later attributed to James Buchannan)
4. Accountant (Brian Nebeker)
5. Hospidilly-yo (Matt Deane) |
"Tell your sister to call me when she turns eighteen." - Martin Chamberlain
"I'm Italian... the girls do look like me." - Martin Chamberlain
on androgyny
"Pain hurts." - Coz, Hung Like a Tic-Tac
Fun with Pickles:
"I think she wants your pickle, dude." - Coz
"You made me get my pickle juice all over Sean." - Brian
"No, I don't want my pickle back after he's had his grubby mitts on it
and it's been in your mouth." - Brian
"I can't remember anything since school started. *SNORRRRRK* ...and it's
all your fault." - Sean to Brian (don't do drugs, kids)
"Mmm... free mint cakes. Pardon? Oh, they're in the mens' room...
in those funny sinks." - Brian
| Why the Other LARP
is bad: |
Me: "They're letting you play an Ananasi?
A Rank Six Ananasi? You??"
Twink1: "Yeh. I was getting tired of just plain old Garou,
you know?"
Me: "Good god. Which do you work for, Wyld, Weaver, or Wyrm?"
Twink1: "Oh, all of them. I'm neutral. I work for the whole
um... wachamacallit... trivate."
Me: "You can't be neutral, you twit! And it's 'triat'. God...
you should at least be able to pronounce it before they let you
play it."
Twink1: "Yeah, that Catholic thing. And there's no need to
get all angry about it."
Me: "No, actually, 'that Catholic thing' is the Trinity.
And I have every right to be angry... they stole my players
by telling them I wasn't running my game anymore, and are playing
their game on the same night at the same location..."
Twink1: "Oh, speaking of Trinity, did I tell you [Twink2]'s
Glasswalker-Giovanni Abomination had to pay 3 points for a Fetish
of the Matrix. Three Points... I mean, daaamn he got ripped
off. But since I'm in his pack now, I bet I can get some webspiders
in there, and [Twink3]'s Nephandi can connect it to the digital
we... hey, where are you going? I was about to tell you about the
Rite of Passage we gave the Mummy last night... hello?"
Me [walking away]: "Must... not... kill... Must... not... kill...
Must... not... kill... Must... not... kill..." |
"I'd like ten smiles please. To go. No, I want them in the bag."
- Sean and Brian (but the sign at McDonalds said that 'Smiles Are Free'...)
"Well Richard's never been known for keeping track of age limitations."
- Sean Slavik (on Bars... or was it?)
"What's that one KMFDM song where they sing in German?" - Martin
Chamberlain
"What's the name of the KMFDM song where they say 'KMFDM' in it?"
- Martin Chamberlain
"Me topo!" - Erin
"It's easier if you just put it in your mouth and suck." - Richard
Hughes on Carbonated Phalluses (and he was more than willing to demonstrate
this theory, too...)
"It's the coke's fault. I was doing fine before the coke." -
Richard "The Snowman" Hughes
| Witness The Mockery That Was My Job... |
"This
job is about as much fun as combat tour, except in the military
you at least have the possibility of dying."
"Hold on one moment, I'll transfer you to my owner."
"I don't have any opinions."
"Sorry, I'm not the person you need to speak to; I'm just the
janitor here. I was just mopping up in here... mop, mop, mop, that's
me. I'll transfer you back to my secretary."
"I understand that you're on a one-way line and can't
take calls, but if you'd leave a message he'd return your call."
"I understand this isn't a sales call, but he really
isn't interested in purchasing anything right now."
"Mr. [Contact] passed away last month... no, it's okay... would
you like his voice-mail?"
"I'm sorry, Brian, but he doesn't want to take your little
survey. If you'd like I can take your number and have him call you."
"I can't help you. We don't have any phones or electronics
here."
"You'll just have to try back. He's got a very erotic schedule."
( o_O )
"We don't use e-mail... we send messages via weasel."
"Beats the hell out of me..." (this is the best "don't
know/refused to answer" I've ever gotten...)
During a Briefing: "Forget all the horror-stories you've heard
about this study... it's not nearly that much fun."
"There needs to be a new disposition category: Asshole."
"Residence? No, you've reached a ship... as in a Naval
ship. I think you have the wrong number."
"As a Defense Contractor, the Government does not permit us
to participate in telephone surveys."
"FBI warehouse number eight, how may I direct your call..."
On a survey about alcoholic beverages:
"Study about alcohol? Lemme get sloshed and call me back."
"Alcohol? Sure, bring it over!"
"Lesee... what percentage of my drinking is done at home? Well,
I'd say about fitty to one-fitty proof. Huh? Amount? Well, I'm really
a light drinker... about only a fifty a day."
Me: "Drinks like bourbon, cognac, gin, vodka, and whiskey."
Respondent: "Do virgin daiquiris count?"
On a survey for a power company:
Me: "So has the problem been resolved?"
Guy: "Well, see, the other day I went out and the power line
outside our house had blown down in the storm. The cable was just
lyin' on my lawn and I thought it might hurt someone, so I went
out to move it outta my yard, but it shocked me so bad I flew backwards
and jes' lay on the ground shakin' and my wife hadda drag me inna
house."
Me (suppressing laughter): "Oh my god, are you okay?"
Guy: "Well yeah, I'm okay now, but when I went out this morning
the same thing happened..."
Interviewer: "May I speak to Dick Taylor?"
Secretary, sadly: "Hmmm... we don't have any Dicks here."
"It's hit-or-miss when he'll be in the office. He'll be in
and out of off-site beatings all day today."
Respondent: "It's my first name... then a period... then my
last name... then the A-colon-figure-thingie."
Me: "Um. Okay, so what comes after the 'at'-symbol?"
Respondent: "Dunno. Oh, but it's got a dot-com in it, though.
Do you know which one that is?"
"He's the CEO. You know, like the President? Well, no, not
the President, it's actually... the Chamber... of the Board. Chairman.
Yeah, Chairman of the Board... that sounds right. You know, the
CEO."
Take Off, Ya Nob:
"The postal code is L5N 7Y, as in Yankee, 1." (Mississagua,
ON)
"Oh God... thank you for not calling it a zip code..."
(Canadians are postal fascists...)
"Ya soond like yer from Ontarioh with thet 'Suite Number' crap,
eh."
"Ah dohn spake hangleesh, yahnkee." ( "I have language
policing, not equal rights!" )
"Ispeaknotverygoodenglishonlyquebecoissoyoumustspeakmoreslowlyforme...
hokay?" (Response: "Um... what?")
For comparison... Puerto Rico: "No! Don't call later.
I'll go find him. Don't hang up, please... I'll run fast."
Me: "Hello, may I speak to Jeffrey Horowitz?"
Secretary: "Jeff Howard?"
Me: "Uh... no. Jeffrey Horowitz."
Secretary: "Ohhh... yeah, hold on."
[Holding...]
Machine: "Hello, you've reached the voicemail for Jeff Howard..."
[Press 0...]
Secretary: "Yes, hello?"
Me: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I believe I may have been accidentally
mis-transferred... I was just transferred to Jeff Howard, but I
was actually trying to reach Jeffrey Horowitz."
Secretary: "Yes, I transferred you to Jeff Howard."
Me: "Ah, but I was trying to reach Jeffrey Horowitz."
Secretary: "Please hold, I'll transfer."
[Holding...]
Machine: "Hello, you've reached the voicemail for Jeff Howard..."
Me: "I'm not attached to that name. I'm not attached to that
extension. I don't even know your company name, so that isn't
going to help me. I just want the person who's responsible for day-to-day
contact with the company that manages the 401k plan."
Secretary: "Yeah but... like I said, there's nobody by that
name at this company, and that extension is not in use. Maybe if
you told me what you needed to speak to him about, I could find
someone else to help you?"
"Can't call the 800 number, huh? Yeah, let me see if I have
a local line for that location... local line, local line. Here we
go... it's 1-888-..."
Secretary: "What is this call regarding?"
Me: "I have him down as the person responsible for the 401k
for your organization, is that correct?"
Secretary: "Yes, he is. What is it regarding?"
Me: "Uh... it's about the company that manages the 401k plan
for your company."
Secretary: "And what was it regarding?"
Me: "The 401k plan."
Secretary: "The 401k plan regarding what?"
Me: "Nevermind."
(Macmillan Dictionary: regarding (ri gär'
ding) prep. 1. in reference to; concerning. From regard
(ri gärd') v.t. 4. to have relation or
pertinence to; have to do with; concern.)
"Can you call tomorrow morning at eight? Tomorrow morning I'll
be here all alone, and I can answer all your questions..."
"He works... you know... around the office here, so we hardly
ever see him."
"Our records also show that you spoke with Frank Tzimisce,
a sales representative, about [company]'s products, is that also
correct?" (turns out, it was spelled "Frank Zimisi",
but... it could have been a typo.) |
"Malice is a bad man." - Various
Erin on Sour Apple Pucker:
"Just lick the rim."
"Are you denying me access to the pucker?"
"I'm flaming, I'm flaming!" - Mycol Reamer (We know, Myke, we
know...)
"I can't grip lightly with that hand; I've developed such
a strong grip I just can't do it anymore. If I grip it lightly, it doesn't
work for me... And now it's hard." - Ian Larson... on handling Warhammer
Miniatures
| The "Coffee Expert" |
[Scene: This is a log pulled
from IRC... see the Diablerie
website. Just to be halfway decent about this, I changed her
name to "Spring"... that's not the nick she was using.
The location in-character is a Starbucks, where several characters
are sitting around having coffee and trying to pump each other for
information.]
<Spring>
::takes a sip of the Caffe' [sic]
Caramel Latte and sits back in her seat:: Not like the Caffe' [sic]
Caramel
latte's [sic]
of
New York, but nevertheless it shall suffice
<Me> ((Are you insane? Starbucks is Starbucks is Starbucks,
whether it's New York, or L.A. or Bumblef*ck Kansas...))
<Spring> ((Uhm, Caffe Caramel Latte's [sic]
are
made by other coffee companies as well, duh. She' [sic]
not
just referring to Starbuck [sic]
but
the coffee makers in general))
<Me> (( ... ))
[Roughly translated, this ellipsis was meant as "You are
a frickin' idiot." She, however, translated it as, "Please,
I do not have coffee where I come from."]
<Spring>
(( If you want me to explain it I can, but in private ))
[Mind you, listening to "Spring" prattle on about coffee
wasn't included in my plans for the evening... but on advisement
from a bored friend, I decided to find out exactly what she was
going to "explain"... So I turned on the sarcasm-o-rama
in a private message, but she never caught on; to this day, she
still thinks she's an expert on the subject.]
Session Start: Tue Aug 07 22:32:17 2001
<Me> I don't
understand.
<Spring> well in NY they don't just have starbuck, [sic]
they
have actual coffee makers who import their coffee types from other
countries such as france, ireland, etc. Caffe' [sic]
Caramel
Latte is a coffee drink made universally, but the taste depends
upon the type of bean used and if it is make [sic]
with
authentic caramel, homemade caramel or sythesized [sic]
caramel
<Me> Whoa... what sort of actual coffee makers?!
<Spring> let's see. They're Italiano de France in NY which
specialize in authentic coffee using french recipe's
[sic]
<Me> That sounds a lot better than just having a Starbucks.
So it like... tastes different?
<Spring> yes. Very very close to authentic french coffees
and it puts Starbuck [sic]
to
actual shame
<Spring> lol makes starbucks look like instant coffee actually
<Me> No!
<Me> Wow, that's great... maybe I should go to New York and
try some of this coffee.
<Spring> lol that's not the only coffee shop either. You have
a wide variety of coffee shops
<Me> This is everywhere in New York, or just NYC?
<Spring> NYC
<Me> Damn. They should get like... real coffee other places
too.
<Me> But I didn't know they could grow coffee in France. I
thought it was from Colombia or something...
<Spring> well coffee is grown in India and other places as
well. The Coffee Bean is not native to the Americas, it's native
to Ethiopia and was grown quite frequently in the Roman empire
<Me> Oh. Weird.
<Me> So like... Colombian Coffee is actually Ethiopian Coffee?
When did it get imported?
<Spring> if you read history you will find that the coffee
bean was a crop imported during the new world settlement and then
grown in various areas in the americas
<Me> Oh okay... so they do actually grow it in Colombia now?
<Spring> yes they do
<Me> But that's not real coffee, though? That's like Folgers
and stuff, right?
<Spring> just like India grows coffee and some parts of Europe
grow coffee. Now the brewing technique is what makes coffee worthwhile
as well
<Me> You have to have French coffee for it to be good, right?
<Spring> yes, because cappacino [sic]
originated
in france and the still make their cappacino [sic]
coffee's
[sic]
the
same way
[At this point, I got involved in something In-Character, and
stopped paying attention to her. Pity, too... I'm sure there's much
more I have to learn about "Real Coffee", if I'd have
just kept talking...]
<Spring>
actually it originated in the Roman empire, but the french have
refined their coffee to fit their uniqueness
<Spring> just as Italians have their own style of Cappacino
[sic]
<Spring> lol you'd be suprised [sic]
at
how much specialty coffee drinks I actually consume
<Spring> and suprisingly [sic]
enough,
coffee doesn't make my hyper...I can actually sleep on it
Session Close: Tue Aug 07 22:56:02 2001 |
"Hey, I got a Zaku!" - Amuryu Rei, Mobile Suit Gundam
"What you didn't know is that 'Zaku' means erection in Japanese."
- Brian
"Does it really?" - Mycol (no, actually bokki is erection
in Japanese, whereas zaku means absolutely nothing)
"How do you fix ketsup? I mean, ketsup is the cure-all... if you
screw up, ketsup can fix it. But what do you add to ketsup?" - Chef
Ian on Undiluted Campell's Tomato Soup (add one can milk/water? we can
skip that step...)
"Your parents may have hated everyone else, but they sure loved each
other." - Ian on rolling for 8 siblings
| Life Lessons: |
1. If it ain't broke, for god's sake don't
touch it.
2. Dirt is dirty.
3. If it's bigger than you, meaner than you, and has more pokey-shreddy
things than you do, chances are you don't want to tangle with it.
4. Airplanes are perfectly safe, airplanes are perfectly safe, airplaines
are perfectly safe, airplanes are...
5. Things like "there, there" and "you'll be fine"
are only for the benefit of the person saying them.
6. Don't jump on mages.
7. If she's cute, straight, and single, she's way out of
your league.
8. Argue with the G.M. No one can possibly be right all the time.
9. Sometimes, infanticide is philanthropy.
10. Don't forward me chain e-mail. I don't care what it's
for. I never respond to them, and the only person it's going
to injure will be whoever sent it to me.
11. Shut the hell up, Matt.
12. No Poof Dust. |
"No. If your Ravnos were to somehow use Chimerstry to affect
all the realms, and summoned Cold Iron, the Dreaming would explode in
some sort of ungodly radius, like your state, say, and the Ravnos would
simply cease to be. No damage, no soak, just poof, you no longer exist.
On the up-side, you can take consolation in taking out several thousand
Fae with you..." - Brian
"My wife doesn't have to fake it... because I'm not getting
any." - Mycol
Lyle [singing to himself]: "Jiggle it... just a little bit..."
Mycol [from the bathroom]: "I am!"
"I can't believe you put that on the page... You make me sound like
such a slut!" - Richard Hughes (No, we have nothing
to do with it...)
The Epic Saga of “Slapnuts”
(as told by Lyle Clingman Jr.) |
December 10, 2000 (more
or less)
I was driving Mycol and Elena around to go Christmas
shopping (note: shopping with Elena can be a long, drawn-out episode
of indecisiveness. Bring coffee... lots of coffee...), and we had
just left the Fred Meyer out on River Road (if you're not from Eugene,
suffice it to say it's a major in-town road with a 40 mph speed
limit). I pulled onto River Road and got into
the left lane, going my customary 0-5 mph over the speed limit,
and the ride was rather uneventful, until I glanced up into the
rear view mirror. This was when I noticed a scruffy-lookin' middle-aged
guy in a beat-up blue car tailgating me so close that I couldn't
see his bumper in my rear view mirror. In addition, it appeared
as if I had ran over his dear beloved opossum, because he was cussing
a streak that would make the South Park kids feel dirty.
Now, I normally go out of my way to be a decent
driver... until someone pisses me off, and I get pissed off about
10 times faster when driving than any other time. So I decided that
if he was going to tailgate me, I was going to make him pay for
it. I dropped my speed to just under 40 mph (note the speed limit,
so I wasn't exactly going super slow or anything)... just the right
speed to keep even pace with the car in the right lane, trapping
the scruffy nerf-herder behind me. This did not make him happy.
I maintained my speed until the car next to me
turned off, and no sooner than when the other car turned off did
the scruffball behind me dart into the right lane and pull even
with us. He then proceeded to roll down his window and drive at
the same speed, yelling obscenities at us for about the next minute.
Obscenities that we could barely hear if at all, since it was the
dead of winter and unlike some idiot in the other lane, my windows
were rolled up. Mycol flipped off the dork in the beat-up blue car
until I told him I'd kick him if he continued, as I was not about
to pay the fine if he got busted by an uptight cop.
Now, at this point, I believed hat the guy would
either dart in front of me and gun it, or dart in front of me and
slow down to 25 mph. In either case, I would likely just laugh at
him. Instead, when he was done cussing at us, he moved up and tailgated
the next car in the right lane. At this point, I noticed that I
had dropped to around 35 mph in a 40 mph zone, so I decided to speed
back up to the speed limit, which moved me back past the beat-up
jalopy. The jackass then moved back in behind me, swearing once
more for all he was worth and tailgating me even tighter than before...
so tight in fact that not only could I not see the bumper, grill
or headlights of the car behind me, but my butt started to hurt
too.
Finally, we hit a red stoplight on the overpass
where River Road turned into Chambers. As we were stopped, I glanced
up in my rear view mirror to see the redneck getting out his car
and coming up to mine... in the middle of a 40 mph street. Idiot.
I checked my mirror again to make sure he wasn't packing a gun,
locked my door and watched as he came up and pounded on my window,
yelling nice and loud so that he could make a good and proper fool
of himself in public. "I don't know where you come from, but
where I come from, passive-aggressive people get their asses kicked,
boy." (I'm still not sure about his definition of "passive-aggressive")
Mycol cussed at him again, and got warned for
the last time that he'd be walking home if he did that again. The
scruff-jerk got back in his car, followed us, tailgating as usual,
until he turned off to his street. Those of us in the car decided
that a person this lame could not be left without a nickname, and
after several minutes of debate, the winning name was decided to
be "Slapnuts." Hence, the scruffy-looking middle-aged
guy in a crappy blue car was forever known as Slapnuts.
You'd think that's the end of the story, but not
quite. Several days later, Mycol was had just went to the bank to
cash a check (after having a particularly bad day at home before
all of this), and was walking back to the bus stop, when from behind
he hears a voice yell "I'm gonna kick your ass because of your
passive-aggressive friend." Sure enough, Mycol turns around,
and there's the ever-scruffy Slapnuts coming towards him. Mycol
glanced around quickly, and noting a cop across the street who was
watching (after hearing that ass-kicking comment) the situation
unfold. Mycol looked at Slapnuts and said "please, oh please
do." So, obliging and stupid, Slapnuts balled up one redneck
fist and punched Mycol in the face. Mycol, having the necessary
soak dice, shrugged it off and grinned, saying, "C'mon. Do
it again."
The cop tilted his head in confusion.
Needless to say, Slapnuts failed his Wits + Duh
roll and threw another punch at Mycol (read: Slapnuts threw a punch
at the black belt standing in front of him... the black belt that
had told him to attack). I'm not sure as to the exact sequence of
attacks that followed, but it did involve a block, a takedown, and
several bruised or cracked ribs. It was at sometime around the foot
to the chest of a prone redneck that the cop across the street yelled
"that's enough!"
As the policeman approached the site of Slapnuts'
unfortunate accident, the now injured scruffball weakly pointed
at Mycol and groaned "arrest him for assault." The cop's
response to this request was simple: "F*ck that! I'm dragging
your ass in for disturbing the peace!"
After several more comments made at the expense
of the scruffy idiot, Slapnuts was hauled off by the police, and
everyone else live happily ever after.
Passive aggressive. Feh. |
Brian: "Yes, but Kyle has a reason to be staring vacantly
over our shoulders... he can see the reflection of the teevee in
the window back there..."
Erin: "I'm not! I'm staring at the wall!"
"im broe... broed... bored... so bored i type creatively" -
Martin "Two-Fingered-Typist" Chamberlain strikes again
| Dungeons
and Delusions, with Emerald Gaming Group: |
| For
a fancy legal disclaimer, click here. |
The Cast:
Khazak, a sociopathic
Dwarven Slumlord/Criminal Kingpin (Dual Class), leader and sole
living member of the Harvestmen.
Arisena, the accident-prone Mage who
we all know better than to make passes at.
Rand, unlucky Paladin. Turn-ons: mead,
heresy, vengeance, and demon-possession by bonded mounts. Turn-offs:
Khazak.
Arvania, yet another Priestess. Spends
so much time in the Interdimensional Pocket of OC-ness she has to
pay rent.
Aerond (another Priest) and Gordo
(Khazak's conscience), vacationing in the Interdimensional Pocket
(see above).
Chela the elf. I think we've met her
once.
KIA/MIA:
Khazak's Unwilling Kobold Servant Something-Or-Other.
Aerond still hasn't paid me back for dropping the wagon on him.
The "Evil" Wizard Phil, pronounce
the 'H'. Suicide by Mimic. Good riddance.
Twyg, or Leaf, or Branch, or something.
Pixie. I'm pretty sure it's dead... or at least I hope so...
Fyra the thief. Sick of infighting
and didn't realize it's customary to kill one's party members when
they become intolerable.
Karissa, a slightly shell-shocked pseudo-elf
priestess from another dimension. Finally made it home.
Barak, dwarven tank. Mages are not
cushions; boiled alive in his trademark armor.
Di'al, strangely manly female knight.
Don't really recall what happened to her, nor much care.
Eliakim, Elven Bard. More trouble than
he was worth. We snuck out of town while he was asleep.
Redstorm, monumental bad-ass. Returned
to his barbarian tribe to warn them about dragons. Probably mocked
to death.
Amonodale, Demon in wolf-form, and
Rand's bonded mount. We did him a favor when we killed this thing.
Jimmy Fitz, "troubleshooter"
and Harvestman. Turned to the dark side and euthanized.
Damriel, Paladine's pot-buddy, and
member in good standing of the Harvestmen until Khazak had to kill
him for being dead.
Mezzi, the prankster priestess and
object of Rand's obsessive mood swings. Met with the business end
of a Banshee.
Jacob, a human who was badly in need
of some color-safe bleach. Inconveniently made dead while we were
out of Clerics. |
"I
smell barbecue sauce..." - Arvie (or was it Mandy...?)
"Die! I said 'die'! Die die die die di... no no, not 'kill
me'... shit." - Rand on Dark Nagas
"Foolish elf, we will not be... *thwip* ...well now, it seems
my leg has sprouted an arrow. Funny, that..." - Khazak
"I leap out of bed, grab my mace, run out of the tent to see
what the commotion is... aaand since that only makes Arisena scream
louder, I go back inside, put my pants on, and then run out
of the tent to investigate." - Sean
"You're a big zero now." - Lyle to Mandy
"Come get some..." [several minutes and a couple dozen
Hit Points later] "Owwww... I meant come get some from Khazak..."
- Damriel
"You should roll for Paladinic Love." - Ian to Mycol
"I've got a bardiche in my pants, baby..." - Brian, on
behalf of Rand (this actually worked, I might add)
"Statistically, what are my chances of hooking up with Arisena's
cousin? Kick ass! I've got a shot... if I make a hundred thousand
passes at her, statistically, one of them will work!"
- Damriel
"Of course he's a Demon! He destroyed my indestructible
pointed stick! Indestructible! Do you have any idea what
that word means, idiot?" - Khazak
"In case of Cataclysm, break glass..." - Brian
Khazak: "Mezzi, are you insane? You want us to split up in
a haunted mansion full of zombies in an undead town to find
the artifacts that will allow us to escape... haven't you ever seen
Scooby Doo?"
Mezzi: "Yes... we'll have some amusing hijinks, toss in a hallway
chase scene, have a few close calls that we'll escape in a humorous
manner... and then we'll find out the undead lord is really just
Mr. Binkins, the groundskeeper."
Khazak: "Good point. Off we go, then."
"So, Yan can cook... aaand Yan can go undead."
- Brian and Sean
"A little fire never hurt anyone. Oh, sorry Khazak..."
- Rand (...twit)
"Need new dice. These are broken." - Ian the Viking
"Around the cleric, through the paladin, over the dwarf, off
the chandelier... nothin' but zombie." - Arisena
"That sign on the door says "For the Damned Only"...
you guys can't go into the employee lounge. Guys? Goddamn it, this
is the part where you threaten to leave me out here all alone if
I don't do something incredibly stupid with you, isn't it? If I
die in here, I'm never speaking to any of you again." - Khazak
"Khazak runs in fear, screaming like a little girl, arms flailing,
stumpy legs pumping as fast as they ca... what? Loot?" - Brian
"Jacob's dead. Mezzi's dead. Rand's gone crazy, and wants to
break the wards and fight the God of the Dead. But hey, I'm feelin'
pretty good..." - Khazak
"Evil is bad!" - Ian |
|
Big pool of deep water
Water drops fly, Dark Naga appears
Rand makes big pool, too.
'Twas once an elf priestess named Arvie,
Who encountered a nest of giant larvae.
And then quoth the lass,
"I'd like those in my arse,
Their wrigglings feel just marvy!"
Arvie, Arvie,
Arvie the elven cleric!
She doesn't fight,
And she doesn't heal,
Just pisses and moans, and cries, and squeals!
Arvie, Arvie,
Arvie the worthless baggage...
Party Unity!
|
Collected
here are a few of the... less bawdy poems to emerge from our twisted
minds at the EGG. I'll leave a description of those pearls
of verse deemed unprintable by the management to the imagination
of the reader, if such rudeness as this made it past the
filter.
The first is a haiku written in homage to Rand's impotent hatred
of Dark Nagas, the only species of monster we've encountered that
he has not been able to defeat (except Kender) and which, in fact,
killed him within his first hour of play. Lucky for him we had a
Bacta Tank™ handy.
The second is a limerick in honor of everyone's favorite black-hole
in the XP-split, Arvania. No commentary needed, I think.
The last isn't really a poem, per se. It's meant to be sung to the
tune of Weird Al Yankovic's "Harvey The Wonder Hamster",
and also stands alone fairly well without explanation. |
| RIFTS: Robotic Injections For Terminal Sanity,
with Emerald Gaming Group: |
For Mycol's E.G.G. RIFTS
webpage, click here.
For a fancy legal disclaimer, click here. |
The Cast:
Bernard LS3-2218 "Bernie",
ex-Coalition Dog Boy. Mutated by incompatible nano-tech medpacks
into a homicidal Zippo.
Sir Ponaird, D-bee Cyber-Knight sniper.
Bernie's best and only friend, not to mention surrogate Psi-Stalker.
David, downed Veritech pilot caught
in the Coalition's plot to build transformers toys. Dislikes small
woodland creatures.
Chase, mechanized mercenary with an
unhealthy obsession with those nasty domesticated felines.
Varax, Vaxian hunter. Has literally
no idea where he is or what he's doing here... except that Dead
Boys are tasty.
Onoku, Raidar X pilot, but unlike David,
she managed to keep her Mecha in usable condition.
Tenchi, Cyber-Samurai. Possibly a bit
confused about the concept of Bushido, but hey, as long as it means
dead Skelebots... |
"Send
assistance, send assistance, send assistance, send assistance, send
assistance, send assistance, send assistance, send oh god it killed
another SAMAS it just tore him in half and
he crashed into a tree and he blew up and this thing killed my entire
pack and my Psi-Stalker is dead and I don't have any orders and
it's killing all these SAMAS-es and it's going
to kill me next and oh god it just got another one, send assistance,
send assistance!" - Bernie to Headquarters
"You killed my Veritech! You bastards!" - David
"I'm sorry, there must be some static on the Comm. It sounded
like you just asked me to subdue a D-bee in a giant robot by
myself and then march through Tolkeen... enemy territory...
to the Tolkeen Front for reassignment. That's not what you said,
right? ... Are you insane?!" - Bernie to Headquarters
"That is classified as a Mammal, Lagomorph, Sylvilagus floridanus.
Small herbivorous creature, timid disposition, edible, threat rating
zero. Common name: Cottontail Rabbit. Pardon me... was classified.
Now it's classified as a smoking crater, approximately point-three
meters deep by one meter wide." - Bernie to David
"...and then I'll place you under arrest and take you back
to a Coalition Base, okay?" - Bernie (Hm. Let me consider...)
"I'm telling you, the Cyclones are perfectly safe. Just don't
touch the red button... or the bike will transform and literally
shred you into pieces, dismantling you at the joints. Even if you
survive, you would bleed to death before we could extract you. What
are you talking about... didn't I just tell you it's perfectly
safe?" - David
"Yes, she's a D-bee... but she's just a little girl! I'm a
D-bee, you gonna kill me too? Don't answer that." - Sir Ponaird
"Pfft. How many Xiticix could there be, anyway?" - Chase
(And we agreed to let this guy dictate our battle tactics?!)
"ALSO ACCOMPANIED
BY REPTILIAN MUTANT POSSIBLY LIZARD BOY [STOP] HAS AGREED TO ASSIST
PROVIDED HE MAY EAT ENEMY [STOP] HAVE EXPLAINED DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
ENEMY AND COALITION [STOP]" - Transmission from Bernie
to Headquarters
"You don't look so good." - David to Bernie, after injecting
him with Federation Medical Nanites. Bernie was just beginning his
six-hour spree of vomiting up billions of dead nanites.
Brian: "Is there smoke billowing out from underneath the door?"
Mycol: "Yes?"
Brian: "Now that's style..."
Mycol: "Grenade! You have three seconds to decide what to do
before it goes off. One... two..."
Brian: "I cover my eyes. I know the grenade can't hurt me,
but shrapnel in the eyeballs would really ruin my day."
Mycol: "I hate you. So the magnesium grenade goes off... and
has absolutely no effect. You ass."
"You've just been Rifted into Lizard Lovin' World." -
Brian
"I don't know about you, but a fireball erupting in the cockpit
of my fighter jet would sure as hell distract me." -
Mycol
"So you think the ground coming at you at like Mach Two would
be considered MDC?" - Derrick
"Bernie! Can you do something about those Veritechs? ...[KABOOM]...
Good boy." - Sir Ponaird
Brian: "I dash out of the collapsing bunker. Granted, it can't
actually kill me, but being buried alive under several hundred tons
of concrete would suck."
Mycol: "How do you keep escaping these things? It's just not
fair!"
"Honorable Samurai-san! We humbly invite you to accompany us
while we enter the Dishonorable Command Center and destroy everything
inside. We shall fornicate their defecation up!" - Bernie,
through Tenchi's internal translator unit
"I assume you survived the nuclear blast... good. Obviously
you are more intelligent than the breeding program made you out
to be. But it's not over... I'm going to kill you. And I'm going
to kill your friends. And I'm going to kill... everything else."
- General Reichmann, Bernie's Arch-Nemesis, and Cunning Orator
Lyle: "She can pick up our Comm?!"
Mycol: "She's in a Raidar X. She can pick up everyone's
Comm."
Elena: "What should I roll to intercept that?"
Mycol: "Perhaps I'm not making myself clear... you're in a
Raidar X. He's less than a quarter mile away, trying to send a message
directly through your position. You would have to by trying
to fail in order to not pick up his Comm, and even then,
you might still get it."
Lyle and Elena: "Oh."
(...So basically what you're saying is that she only has
to roll a ninety or less on percentile dice to notice, right Myke?)
"Goddamn it, I'm indestructable, completely impervious to physical
bodily constraints... so how can I be so damn tired?!" - Bernie,
with nine ISP remaining
"If you want to live on my base, you're going to have to start
pulling your weight and going on missions." - Chase
"Pulling my weight? You keep me locked in the brig and feed
me Purina... what exactly do I need to pay for, here?"
- Bernie
Brian: "I bet they're all wearing short uniform skirts..."
Ian: "All right! I'm just sort of looking around and enjoying
myself..."
Derrick: "...and they're all men."
Mycol: "No, there's actually quite a few women there."
Ian: "Gah, I'm not looking then." (Just a bit too slow,
there, big guy...)
Reconnaissance at its finest:
"I'll see your three and raise one. So what's the war all about,
anyway?" - Bernie to the Enemy
"Nice gun... you don't suppose I could try out one of these
sweet looking energy rifles, do you?" - Bernie to the Enemy
"Doesn't seem like you'd have all that much trouble... they're
just farmers. Shit, how big is your army?" - Bernie
to the Enemy
"Nice tanks... say, you got any power armor in there?"
- Bernie to... could it be... the Enemy!!!
"So you got these tank squadrons at all the checkpoints? Two
cards, please." - Bernie to the grossly mislabeled Enemy
[enemy, n, 1: one who is hostile to another or tries
to harm him. 2: an armed foe, as a soldier or nation at war.
3: one who opposes a cause, idea, etc. NOT
4: one who is compelled to arm Bernie and divulge classified military
logistics over a friendly game of poker.]
Addendum:
"We got to thinking after that poker game, and we think we
can kinda see your side of things. So we defected, and we want to
join you now. We can bring our own guns..." - The No-Longer-Enemy
"How many goddamn times must we go over this? It's a teleportation
device, not a Rift-Generator." - Varax
"Please don't call it an assassination. Assassination is against
the Bushido Code. Can we call it a surgical strike?" - Tenchi
Bernie: "To defeat the evil, we must overlook honor and strike
where we may. The dishonorable are not worthy of your chivalry,
particularly when thousands of innocent lives are at stake on both
sides of a pointless war. We must amputate the limb so the body
may live... this is true honor."
Tenchi: "Wow, man... is that Zen?"
Bernie: "Nope. One hundred percent Bernie."
"G'head, Varax, just bite my arm. Yeah, just bite right into
it, I'll show you that I'm invincib... OW GOD, STOP! Sonova bitch
that hurt. Maybe it's because you're a D-bee... yeah, that must
be the problem. Psi- Stalker, sir, will you please bite my arm?
Please? Alright sure, David, you can shoot me... we'll see if it's
just because his magical D-bee teeth aren't affected by my... ow!
No, it seems that my invulnerability has been negated somehow....
Does anyone have a medpack?" - Bernie (it finally dawns on
him to test this "invulnerability" theory...)
"Well, he's already a Feral Dog-Boy with 36 PS, a Burster,
a Master Psionic, and a Nanite Colony. You think I should go for
the Juicer Upgrade next, or the Cybernetics?" - Brian (hee
hee hee)
"Now make sure you're wearing protection when you split the
atom, kids. Condoms could save your life." - Vaxian Kindergarten
(just... don't ask)
Chase: "I'm leaving Bernie in charge of operations..."
Everyone Else: [stunned silence]
Berine: "Varax, do you think you can trail that platoon without
being spotted until I give the signal?"
Varax: [just sort of blinks at him, and disappears into the underbrush
without so much as a rustle]
Bernie: "I'll uh... take that as a yes then."
Bernie: "Hello, hello... Alpha team? Can you read me Alpha?
Alpha, are you clear of the ship? I need to arm the detonators,
so you need to get away... Come in, Alpha... Tenchi, Sir Ponaird,
do you read me? ...Hello?! Shit." [Arms the mines...
(5)]
Tenchi: "Yeah, what's up? I'm in the water beside the (4)
boat..."
Bernie: "Damnit, Tenchi, listen. You've (3)
got five seconds. Get the hell out of the water (2)
and away from the ship. Move!"
Tenchi [not moving]: "... what? (1)
You mean... you armed the limpet mines already? Oh fuc...(0)"
"Before I teach you to play, there are two terms I should explain
so you don't... misunderstand. First, when you are asked to cut
the deck, it does not mean literally cleave the cards, or anything
else for that matter, in twain. It means to take some of the cards
off the top of the deck, and set them beside the bottom cards, and
then place the bottom cards on top of it. It's to make sure the
dealer hasn't arranged the cards so he'll win... cheating, in other
words. The second term that bears explaining is 'hit me'..."
- Bernie
"So what happens if I get twenty-one? Do I get to eat you?"
- Varax on Blackjack
"If we don't kill him now, he'll heal back in like... a day
and come kill us." - Ian on Supernatural Creatures
"That thing was almost as powerful as Emperor Prosek!"
- Bernie on Alien Intelligences |
Bernie,
the Dog Boy with delusions of invulnerability (please note that
if he ever really was invulnerable, for whatever short period of
time the nanites were busy repairing him, it had worn off long
before this episode) walked calmly up to a supply truck entering
a Top Secret Coalition Base near the Tolkeen Front, designed to
test stolen Robotech Technology. Suffice to say the base was on
24 hour alert, had guards in power-armor everywhere, and was generally
considered impregnable by the Coalition, and more importantly, by
the GM. One of the sentries noticed the lone Dog Boy riding calmly
on the back bumper of the truck and questions him.
"You there, what do you think you're doing?"
"Rrf rr rf," says Bernie, feigning a speech impediment
and chronic stupidity, and gesturing toward the driver.
"This truck isn't authorized for a Dog Pack escort. What's
your serial number? Where's your Psi-Stalker? Speak up!"
...Whereupon Bernie promptly shot the trooper in half and introduced
himself. As the guards poured out of the guardhouse, he aimed his
rifle at the hills and started giving a sniper alert. While the
sentries tried to spot the sniper, the driver attempted to pull
the truck through the doors to get it away from the "threat"...
but before he could do so, Bernie ignited the engine block, creating
a barricade to keep the doors open, and walked into the base, heading
for the armaments shed.
It, of course, required a keycard, which Bernie had left in his
other uniform (yeah...). He borrowed a nearby grunt to open the
door for him, and fumbled with the e-clips while the Dead Boy equipped
himself with twin bandoliers of grenades. Believing Bernie's promise
to just grab a couple of e-clips and be along shortly, the soldier
trotted off to help Bernie's "poor ambushed pack outside";
Bernie detonated the grenades when the soldier reached the gate.
He then loaded himself up with heavy (and conspicuous) weaponry,
more ammunition than he could conceivably carry if he was anything
other than a 36-P.S. Saint Bernard Dog Boy, stacked all the grenades
in the center of the shed with one (in the middle of the stack)
armed on a five-minute timer, and proceeded to walk back out the
gate. Only then did someone actually try to stop him.
"Hey, you there! Where do you think you're going with all those
guns, Dog Boy?"
"I'm... uh... going to go reinforce Bravo Company, sir."
"Bravo hasn't been assigned a Dog Pack, much less a lone, heavily
armed Dog Boy. Matter of fact, there aren't supposed to be any Psi-Hounds
on this base. What's your serial number, mutt?"
"It's a Top-Secret mission, sir."
"The whole effing base is Top-Secret!"
"Ultra Top-Secret, sir. I'm not surprised you haven't heard
about it... it's so Top-Secret I don't even know what I'm
doing."
"Oh... well then, uh... carry on."
...and Bernie walked right out of one of the most heavily guarded
bases in the Coalition States while the ammunition shed exploded
behind him with the force of a tactical missile strike. But it doesn't
stop there. His cries of sniper had led the Coalition Forces to
comb the woods, eventually turning up his buddy, Sir Ponaird. While
the Cyber-Knight stalled the CS Juicer that questioned him, Bernie
raced toward their position, stopping only long enough to sneak
up on the reinforcements, a CS Ranger, lifting him a foot off the
ground by his head, and shaking until the Ranger's neck liquefied.
When he reached the clearing where Sir Ponaird was just removing
his rifle from his back to show the Juicer its e-clip was unused,
Bernie crashed into the open and tossed the Ranger's head to the
stunned Juicer; in the shocked pause that followed Bernie vaporized
the Juicer's abdomen while Ponaird exploded his cranium. Then the
Ajax Mecha showed up.
Unfortunately for the Ajax, the pilot still hadn't bought a clue...
and ordered Bernie to arrest the now-retreating Ponaird. While Bernie
stalled ("Right away, sir... only shouldn't I get my hover-cycle,
first, so he doesn't get away?") Ponaird snuck further and
further away. By the time the Ajax figured out that the Cyber-Knight
was escaping, it was nearly too late to catch him... and became
far more difficult when Bernie detonated the cockpit, killing the
pilot and destroying the Mecha. The second Ajax finally got
the idea, and fired one volley at Bernie, completely missing him,
as he sped away on his hover-cycle.
Summary: Bernie walked onto one of the most heavily guarded Top-Secret
military installments in the CS, and walked out with a massive arsenal
strapped to his back. He defeated two Dead Boys and a CS Ranger
in personal combat, and a CS Juicer with assistance from Sir Ponaird
(with one shot apeice...), then single-handedly destroyed an Ajax
Mecha... and escaped not only intact, but without so much as a splinter.
Delusions of invulnerability, my eye... |
|
