SHORT DISCLAIMER: The contents of this file, while childish, are sometimes of an adult or offensive nature, and should not be viewed by anyone of any age in a country, state or province that has electricity. By actually looking at anything in this sig you are agreeing to the EULA and forfeiting any rights you may have to sue me or to maintain your sensiblities and/or sanity. Not guaranteed safe for under-eighteens. Or over-eighteens for that matter. In fact, you must be over one thousand forty-six to read this. Everything I write is true. Also, oral sex is not adultery, smoking marijuana is legal so long as you don't inhale, and there really is a Santa Claus. Give me your poor, your huddled masses, that I may destroy them for their weakness. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. You can never solve a problem with guns. Try a bazooka instead. Remember, once you pull the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend. Whenever you get into trouble just race up and down corridors. This is good exercise and confuses your enemies. Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do." Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." Recommendation: BUY Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. I may not be totally perfect, but some parts of me are excellent. Many of today's open minds should be closed for repairs. Beam me up Scotty, there aren't any virgins here. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Honk if you want to see my finger. You! Off my planet! My poop tastes like candy. Sanity is a mental block. Free your mind. I live in the Casa Del Sucko, that's what I named it, cuz it sucks. A bus stops at a bus station... A train stops at a train station... On my desk, I have a workstation... I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Some people are annoying. Leave them alone. Some people you just want to kick in the face, rip their skull open, and defecate on their brains. Act on this feeling. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Remember half the people you know are below average. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Always try to be modest and proud of it! I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run (he hates that). There are two kinds of pedestrians... The quick and the dead. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie. I think, therefore I am overqualified. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! What a nice night for an evening. When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" I live on a one-way dead-end street. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Gravity. It's not just a good idea, it's the law! Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking. It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others. Bad Cop! No donut! Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. He's not dead - he's electroencephalographically challenged. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? People... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"? Horn broken. Watch for finger. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. I brake for no apparent reason. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Rehab is for quitters. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. No radio - Already stolen. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. i souport publik edekashun. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If four of your friends are OK, then you're the one. Yesterday I knew nothing, today- I know that. Two's company. Three's an orgy. I don't get even, I get odder. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things start to get worse. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I love cats. They taste just like chicken. Guns don't kill people. I do. Guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do. You are accustomed to ostracism from childhood because you are overweight, deformed, stupid, or have an extremely short [deleted]. I'm not Evil, just misunderstood...Ok, So I'm Misunderstood AND Evil... All great men are misunderstood. Understand me? EXACTLY. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show? Trust in God, but lock your car. If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts and bumper stickers. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either. Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances? Get thee down. Be thou funky. Monsters for Jesus! Putting the "God" back in "Godzilla" As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Ha! Your Leaping Tiger Kung Fu is no match for my Frightened Piglet Style! Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder. Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I. If at first you don't succeed - give up! No use being a damn fool. There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives. A steak a day keeps the cows dead. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid. Anything that kills you makes you... well, dead. Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them. Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up. Don't hate yourself in the morning- sleep 'till noon. Atheists have no invisible means of support. The problem with reality is the lack of background music. If you can't speak softly, just use the stick. We are the people our parents warned us about. Legendary proverb: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. I intend to live forever -so far, so good. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off right now. That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable. For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are, you're one of them. Failure: When your best just isn't good enough. If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. Its always darkest just before it goes pitch black. Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it. Attitudes are contagious, mine might kill you. Its lonely at the top. But its comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom. Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots. There is no joy greater than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Mind like a steel trap -Rusty and illegal in 37 states. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence? For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time- Shoot the book burners. Pass the Word. Eat a Bible. FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA - AND STEP ON IT!! Bumper sticker seen on the back of a Rolls Royce... 'F*** the Poor!' JESUS SAVES!...Passes to Jordan...Who JAMS it home! I swear to god I'm an atheist. I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user Sign in the toilet- "Please use the ashtray". Guess what was in the ashtray? The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. If your parents didn't have children, chances are, neither will you. I couldn't help myself. They were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them! Then she started screaming "MY EYES!, MY EYES!" and ruined the mood. In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. Vampire bites Jesus! (ponder the ramifications... Violence never solves anything, but it sure makes me feel good. Vote Cthulhu...when you're tired of the LESSER evil! Knife, schmife! I want a Swiss Army CHAINSAW!! Know what we ALL are? Remember Adam and Eve were NEVER married! Jesus loves you. I don't. Get out of my way. Jesus saves, but Cthulhu engulfs and devours. Jesus loves you. However, I think you suck. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. We are CTHULHU of Borg... and you are in some SERIOUS trouble. You don't greet Death, you punch him in the throat repeatedly as he drags you away. Truly chaotic evil people put Beads of Force in kids marble bags. Tested on dolphins and assorted helpless furry creatures That's *MISTER* Cthulhu to you, buddy! The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw. The victim had 37 stab wounds... Foul play is suspected. To err is human, to forgive... is against my policy. To think on your level means grunting to myself a lot. Today's subliminal message is . Thank You. Too bad ignorance isn't painful! Trees are the #1 cause of forest fires. Twisted mind? No, just bent in a few strategic places. The Borg! Quick - look useless! Act like President Bush. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. What has 40 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster? MY ZIPPER! When the 50 dwarves dwindled down to 8, everyone began to suspect Hungry. Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. Your proctologist called. They found your head. When the going gets tough... the tough curl up into a ball... and cry... Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. You could try sadoequinecrobestiality, but that's beating a dead horse. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the baddest sonofabitch in the valley. A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or hump it, urinate on it. A friend in need is a pain in the ass. Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Crime Control: Fire a warning shot into his HEART! A good woman is like a good bar... liquor in the front and poker in the back. I went to a strip mall the other day with my friend. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes. My wang is so big, I've never seen it fully erect because all the blood rushes from my head and I pass out. Microsoft isn't the answer. Microsoft is the question, and the answer is no. Some people wouldn't know what subtlety was if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing bad Christmas carols! One way or another I'm going to have sex with you tonight. You might as well be there. PG = the hero gets the girl. R = the villain gets the girl. X = everybody in the movie gets the girl. To kill a pet rock, tie it around a kittens neck and throw it into the lake. To me, a day without sex is like... everyday. But honestly, my friend, dick will solve very few problems in this world, and killer aliens isn't one of them. I'm a lesbian in a mans body. i wish my stupid camera wasn't busted, then i'd show you and make you DIE! Yes, of fear. ~"Who's in the house? Who's in the house? Limp Bizkit, is in the house..."~ Burn down the house. Now. If God didn't want the animals to be eaten, he wouldn't have made them so fucking tasty. Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. And, while I respect you, I can't have you dirtying this chan with your stupid. You are the weakest link. Goodbye. *** InvalidUser sets mode: +b Krisna *** Krisna was kicked by InvalidUser (I wouldn't do it if you hadn't earned it.) That doesn't mean I can't think its a STUPID belief. You can think that. Correction- I DO think that. Yes, I can't understand idiots. Its a genetic defect. I've seen the future and people like you are being chased by monkey men. DAMN YOU, YOU DIRTY APES! Maybe there IS a devil and it WAS talking to Andrea Yates. Maybe gnomes live in my pants and talk to me. MAYBE I dont think Hitler was a Disney charecter You'd be suprised. I, holding my head in my hands, cry as I realize that your probably the future president. I think we had 20 penises in here once ...yes, you know all oh mighty god of the universe. <--- REFERRING TO ME!!!!! yes IU- I prostrate myself before you. IU is the god PERIOD! I can be whatever I want to be on this channel Including a gigantic moron. Its like my Uncle Eric used to say, he'd say... "IU, lookit the ass on that guy" To which I'd reply, "I'm not gay Eric", and he'd say "Oh yeah, sorry bout that" and we'd laugh and laugh. Then he'd try to molest me." I hope Cthulhu exists, he's so much cooler than the christian god. Plus hes got tentacles. "He must have magic in those shorts!" Piggy, 'Dragonball, the Magic Begins' "SO says the gangsta spectre of defeat! AHAHAHAHAH yo AHAHAHAHAHAH!" - Poop Dog, The Poop cola gangsta clown, Invader Zim "Dogs don't talk! Now go answer the door." - Invader Zim "Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all recieve phone calls to love you less now." Ms. Bitters, Invader Zim "Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles?!" - Ozzy Osbourne "Theres only two kinds of people in this world I hate. Those who are intolerent of other people's cultures... and the DUTCH!" - Nigel Powers, Austin Powers 3 And they road into the village slaughtering all who stood in their way. Man And woman, young and old, down to the last dog and ox. - Joshua 6:21 "THE KEANU REEVES RANT (abridged)::: I wish I were Keanu Reaves when I was on the bus going down to the states. Then I could jump up and run to the front, stating there was a bomb on the bus, and some big hairy mexican dude could compliment my balls." - Rob "Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much much more." - Comic Book Guy "One of the main regrets that I have is that I wasn't able to take the chain saw to the rest of my family." - Kevin Record, at sentencing for killing his father with a chain saw, when asked if he had any regrets, USA Today, Nov 11 94 "Pac-Man had a personality. Sure, it was the personality of a paramecium with only two behaviors: engorge or flee. But he had a certain prokaryotic flair. Women thought he was cute. But most importantly, he gave the player something to identify with. Pac-Man gave videogames a face." - J.C. Herz "So godawful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity." - Mr. Cranky "To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." - Jack Handey "Someone said to me, 'Make yourself a sandwich.' Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire." - George Carlin "Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door." - Jack Handey "Speak softly, and carry a high powered assault rifle." - InvalidUser Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." "They've designed a planet-sized space station with a two-meter wide hole in it that leads directly to the reactor core. Every time the Empire does maintenance on the hull Darth Vader has to remind the workers not to horse around lest they drop a paint brush or wrench down the opening and destroy the entire station." - Mr. Cranky "Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap." - anonymous member of a chain gang "I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving." - Steven Wright "I thank the NRA for defending my right to hunt bunny rabbits with an automatic weapon." - Bobcat Golthwait "I AM A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER, AND I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER." - Chris Farley "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye." - Jack Handey "I have a medic alert card that says I'm a hypochondriac." - Dennis Miller "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it." - George Carlin, 'Brain Droppings' "I have decided to ensure myself a type of perpetual, albeit posthumous, engagement." - actor Jonathan Hartman, who has drawn up a will leaving his skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company, so that he can appear forever as Yorick in Hamlet "I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'" - Jack Handey "I like women. I prefer they be nude and subservient, but I like them." - John Dobbin "I long to lure them to my home and then release the hounds." - Mr. Burns, the Simpsons "I looked it up in the dictionary under L, and there it was... the meaning of life. It was less than I expected." - Dogbert "I once had a cookbook entitled, 'When It's Smoking, It's Cooking, When It's Burnt, It's Done'." - Ari Rapkin "I once had a dog and named him 'Stay'. I'd go 'Come here, Stay.' Pretty soon the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all." - Steven Wright "Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!" - Jack Handey "I'll take Things I Don't Really Want to Know for 500, Alex." - David Letterman, on President Clinton's admission that he usually wears briefs "If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now." - Jack Handey "If ignorance ever goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." - Jim Hightower on George Bush's policies "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." - Jack Handey "A Smith and Wesson beats four aces." - Canada Bill Jones "Apple's recalled its new top-of-the-line laptops after two of the models burst into flames at the company's headquarters." - Educom "As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2,400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line." - Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert, on the ending of competing strip Calvin & Hobbes "Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." - David Letterman "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." - Chris Jarocha-Ernst "Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff." - Jack Handey "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." - Jack Handey "Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath (black). According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved." - Steve Rubenstein", "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare for doom." - Klingon proverb "Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Do not - I repeat - do not bend over to pick up your soap when you drop it." - 3rd Rock from the Sun "Good news: the 'All-You-Can-Eat' salad bar joint just decided to stay open 24 hours a day! We can get a table by the window and live there for the rest of our lives - for only 5.95 apiece!" - Dogbert "A twelve-gauge, double-barrelled, grenade-launcher of LOVE!" - Leap of Faith "All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power." - Ashleigh Brilliant "And Jesus sayethed from the cross, 'Well maybe I wouldn't HAVE to die if somebody would get a LADDER and a pair of PLIERS!'" - Sam Kinison" "A helicopter is close enough to be brought down with small arms fire when you can no longer completely cover it with your thumb held at arm's length." - Vietnamese Rule of Thumb "A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it." - Jack Handey "A mind is a terrible thing to ****. It's all gooey and there's no access without blood." - John Dobbin "What is the point of the magician? He comes on, he fools you, you feel stupid, show's over... it's like, 'Here's a quarter. Now it's gone. You're a jerk.'" - Jerry Seinfeld", "When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy. - Homer Simpson", "Want to play a game? It's called, 'Is there a God?'" - Wednesday Addams", "We need a chick that doesn't suck... no, wait a minute. That's not what I meant." - Butt-head "Well why don't you call the Internet and ask their techincal support personnel for help?" - AOL tech support person "What about that abortion doctor killed by pro-life activists? In their own terminolgy, they aborted a fetus in the 200th trimester!" - Dennis Miller "What ever happened to country songs about whiskey drinkin and butt kickin?" - Beavis "While I'm fully aware that money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as 'the melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo." - George Olson", "Why don't you make like a tree, and get the hell out of my way" - InvalidUser "With enough ex-lax you can pass anything." - Rohit Khare "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products." - found in a fortune cookie "You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." - Edward Flaherty "You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea." - Jack Handey "You should not attempt this technique unless you meet the following criterion: You are a complete idiot." - Dave Barry "Thou shalt not suck." -Butthead "Tomorrow we seize the day, and throttle it!" -Hobbes "This is a job for . . . AACK! WAAUGHHH!! . . . someone else." -Calvin "The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with 'Hail Satan'." -Bart Simpson "Yes, and also I've always been intrigued by women named B.J." -Mulder Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober." "Reed's riding the rocket!" The Human Torch, most humorous out of context quote ever. "Remember kids, don't play with fire... FLAME ON! *Flies away*" The Human Torch "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." -Unknown, Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." -An English Professor, Ohio University "Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon... - (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett) "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world." -Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes "Part of the fun of being alive is knowing that you're annoying the hell out of someone else." -Matt Groening "The double-bladed lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every droid in the room. Accept no substitutes." -Samuel Jackson "1) Reach between legs 2) Grasp firmly 3) Pull" -Ejector Seat instructions "Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction: You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: Minus 59 dollars. Oh, please take my 59 dollars! I don't want it, it's yours. Seeing as how we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point." Comic Collecter Guy "In case of Emergency, run, scream, if female, bathe naked in woods waiting for killer for no readily apparent reason" -InvalidUser "In case of Emergency, don hockey mask, cover all friends in red colored corn syrup, and have them lie on the ground as though recently killed, when real killer arrives, tell him he is at wrong house and should be down the street" -InvalidUser "In case of Emergency, immediately kill anyone with a libido, and all members of ethnic minorities, this will save the ax wielding psycho the trouble of doing it later" -InvalidUser "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -Tiger Woods "My joy would be complete, dear, if only you were here, but I still keep your hand as a precious souvenier." -Tom Leher "New title for "King Kong": "Beat, Beat, Beat Upon a Forlorn Hairy Chest With Thy Vengeful Fists of Civilized Inhumanity And Recieve in Return a Shattered Jungle Soul Whose Name is 'Everyape'" -Mad Magazine "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures." -Bart Simpson "This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!" -Homer Simpson "Bart, with 10,000 dollars, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!" -Homer Simpson "Newt had indeed been harboring certain thoughts about Anathema; not just harboring them, in fact, but dry-docking them, refitting them, giving them a good coat of paint and scraping the barnacles off their bottom." -Terry Pratchett "The pie shall be split into 2 halves and each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie" - Homer Simpson "Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny. Number three: Family Jewels." -Abraham Simpson "Mythological two headed hound, born with only one head. And here, out of the myths of history: the legendary Esquilax-a horse with the head of a rabbit, and the body... of a rabbit." -Chief Clancy Wiggum "I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away." -Jack Handey "This is my swing set. And this is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And that is where I saw the Leprechaun. He told me to burn things." -Ralph Wiggum "Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you." -Jack Handey "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch' A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done." -Jack Handey "If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward." -Jack Handey "Information Superhighway is really an acronym for 'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres, And Yahoos'." -Keven Kwaku "This just in: Bill Gates is an unscrupulous businessman and a big, fat liar. Attention newspaper publishers: This is not a scoop." -Brook Shelby Biggs "Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie." -Dennis Miller "The more things change, the more they suck" -Butthead "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell." -Aldous Huxley "Some of you have said that Gwar sucks... It's true... We do suck... But we're immortal... So while you petty mortals are rotting in the ground... We'll still be sucking... Forever." -member of the rock band Gwar, at 1994 appearance at WUST radio hall (as reported by Bob Stratton) "Fat Wong Says: There is no safe way to operate a weedwacker in the nude." - A fortune cookie "[reading Lester's job description] My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." -Brad "American Beauty" "Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." -Woody Allen "It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept." - Calvin, "Calvin & Hobbes" "[There is] no question that an admission of making false statements to government officials and interfering with the FBI and the CIA is an impeachable offense" Bill Clinton, 1974 "I am Dyslexic, of Brog. Fesistence is rutile. You will be assissitated." -Peter Chang "I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties." - Jack Handey "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -Mitch Ratliffe in Technology Review "We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. In it, I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like." -Alfred Hitchcock "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." -Homer J. Simpson "Homer no function beer well without." -Homer J. Simpson "This ain't the goddamn Barney show, I'm not a goddamn purple dinosaur, and I don't give a flying fuck about your *feelings.* I don't love you, I don't want to be your friend, and as far as I'm concerned, caring means not setting your house on fire." -Phil Birmingham "Those fucking sanctimonious Vegans who cry about the poor suffering of animals. Waahh waahh! Fuck the poor animals! If they deserved to not be eaten, God would have given them rifles!!!" -William Dodd "I would say, if you want to get EVIL it's got to be "Dance Like the Reggae Smurf" from the Smurfs' album i got at Goodwill. (shudder) I have seen beyond eternity, to dark vistas where mad pipers play dissonant shrieks and globulous steel-drummers beat a rhythm that makes your mind want to snap with the horror of it all... And i have gazed upon THE REGGAE SMURF's horrid blue form... IA! IA SMURF XUL! IA ISHNIGGARRAB! -Brian Farmer "Its common knowledge that Walt Disney is frozen in a cryogenic crypt below Disneyland. Unknown to the general population is the fact that Disneyland is actually powered by the fantastic velocity at which Walt in spinning in his grave" Anonymous "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half is mostly treachery and groin kicks." -Dayv Benzino "I've a diploma from the university of life, a pass from the school of hard knocks and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of me." -Black Adder "God put me on this Earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die." -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes "I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -Jerry Garcia "I am a nice guy and I'll kill any motherfucker who says anything contrary" -Vijay Gill "Shoot first, use the ask questions part to reload, then resume shooting." -Saul Devitt "That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude." -Al Haig "Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city." Comic Book Guy "I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." -Neil Armstrong "Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -Sam Stevenson "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." - Kristian Wilson, Nintendo VP, 1989. And he was like, "Her friend had a strap-on and they were bored" I want friends like that You want a friend that'll fuck you in the ass? (Later on...) MUST EVERY QUOTE PERTAINING TO ME INVOLVE SODOMY? "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!" -Homer Simpson "Take the blue pill, and you will no longer see this false world around you. You will see unbelievable things, and acheive the deepest of insights into yourself and your universe. Take the red pill, and you will wake up in your bed, you can believe what you want to believe. And Switch will give you a blowjob." "Bring on the blowjob pill!" -Tess Malone "Hmm... I'll write a song about a criminal. A SMOOTH criminal, yeah. It'll go 'Annie are you okay' about sixteen-hundred times, then I'll go HOO! a lot. Mmm, it's perfect! Now, to have anal sex with a 7 year-old boy." - Neil "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die." -Mel Brooks "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." -George Bush Sr., Former US President "I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush Sr., Former US President "Please provide the date of your death." -from an IRS letter "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Dan Quayle "We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur." -Dan Quayle "How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?" -Al Gore "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Dan Quayle "We are no longer the knights who say 'Ni.' We are now the knights who say 'Ikki Ikki Ikki Ikki, P'tang Zoopdah blohlfdsjfdslkjn. (Ni!)" -Monty Python, the Quest for the Holy Grail "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." -Douglas Adams "Here I sit in misty vapor, someone stole the toilet paper, boss is calling cannot linger, look out ass, here comes my finger." -Terrosaur "Reason for Absence: Clinically Dead" -Parental note used in a school in Manchester "Worship God or die, Bitch." -Summary of the Bible in 5 words. "THE INVISIBLE SPIDER GOD WILL SMITE US ALL! NO ONE IS SAFE! ALL IS DOOMED! THE BLACK APOCOLYPTIC SKIES RAIN WITH SPIDERY DEATH! WHY HATH YE GODS FORSAKEN US? WHYYYYYYYYY!?!" -Fighter "I created the universe, give me the gift certificate!" -Lisa Simpson "The Lord of the Rings is the greatest work of fiction since the Bible." -Dave "When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout." "And then Squall gave birth to a Pikachu." -Winner of the Church Most Worrying Comment 1999 "When the forces of darkness finally overtake me, I hope I have enough strength left to beat the shit out of Bill Gates." -CEO of Linux Software, A.D. 1999, Shadows Sig "Is it right to have every liquor known to man in the same building with skee-ball? Actualy wait, that'd kick ass. Get hammered AND play skee-ball." Super_User_2 "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."' -Jack Handy "Titanic was great if you ignored half of it (specifically those parts with Leo DiCrappio) and paid special attention to Kate Winslet's breasts and that guy falling fifty feet and hitting his head on a smokestack before drowning." - Anonymous "Remember, when you're annoyed with someone, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 muscles to reach out and smack the person." -Anonymous "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.' -Jack Handy "As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!" -Austin Powers "Ich habe einen riesig Eisenpenis." - I have an immense iron penis. "Verkaufen Sie Sturmgewehr?" - Do you sell assault rifles? "One time Grandpa told us about the man with no shoes who felt sorry for himself until he met a man with no feet. Then my little sister Dot said 'But what if the man with no feet met a man with no legs?', Then I said, 'But what if the man with no legs met a man with no arms or legs?' Then Dot said 'But what if the man with no arms or legs met a man with no arms, legs or body?' Thats when grandpa told us both to go to hell." You Damn Kid "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." "Best out of context quote: "You can also try laying your mouse upside-down and manipulating its balls and see how that works." -Delete Me, AGFFH "I once made a bum dance for my change and someone called me evil! I'm not evil, I'm merely following the rules of money for services rendered. If I'm going to give my money away, I at least want something in exchange. And due to the fact that I HAVE no mortal soul, pleasure at helping my fellow man merely leaves me with a bad taste in my urethra! So dance for my money Mr. BoJangles...DANCE!!!" "Don't make me come down there." -God If Men really ruled the World- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. If Men really ruled the World- Two words: Ally McNaked. If Men really ruled the World- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. If Men really ruled the World- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. If Men really ruled the World- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. If Men really ruled the World- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. If Men really ruled the World- Tanks would be far easier to rent. If Men really ruled the World- Foreplay would be discarded in favor of a new concept: fourplay. If Men really ruled the World- When women climaxed, they’d make a noise like a pinball machine. If Men really ruled the World- Instead of beer belly, you’d get "beer biceps." If Men really ruled the World- Disney World would introduce Medieval Torture Land. If Men really ruled the World- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. If Men really ruled the World- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. If Men really ruled the World- All auto races would be demolition derbies. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #1: If you think you're fat you probably are... Don't ask. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #2: Anything you wear is fine... Really. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #3: Sometimes, we're not thinking about you... Live with it. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #4: Sunday = Sports. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #5: Learn to work the toilet seat: If it's up... put it down. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #6: Yes you DO have too many shoes. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #7: Mark anniversaries on a calendar... Things Guys Wish Women Knew #8: You first DEPOSIT money into the bank before you REMOVE it. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #9: Crying is blackmail. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #10: Ask for what you want... Subtle hints don't work. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #11: "Yes." and "No." are perfectly acceptable answers. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #12: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Things Guys Wish Women Knew #13: Nothing says "I love you" better than sex. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 10. War is silly, whack your willy. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 9. War's no joke, stop and stroke! Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 8. Pull together for peace. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 7. I'm going blind for mankind. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 6. Abuse your middle piece, not the Middle East. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 5. All we are saying, is give peace a wank. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 4. War is out, pound your trout. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 3. Touch your sack, not Iraq. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 2. My bush doesn't declare war. Masturbate For Peace: Top ten best slogans: 1. I cum in peace. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Stop the war, I want to get off. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: There's no time for war if you yank 'til you're sore. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Save our nation through masturbation. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: War can wait, masturbate! Masturbate For Peace Slogan: If you don't want to die, hump a pie. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Forget Jihad, shoot your wad. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Violence ain't workin', try jerkin' your Gherkin. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Finger your crack - not Iraq. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Rub Your Wombat If You Hate Combat. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Don't hate, masturbate. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: If you can still read this, you aren't masturbating enough. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Blow up dolls, not people! Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Bust a nut, not a cap. Masturbate For Peace Slogan: Bust nuts not skulls. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will remember that sword beats gun and bikini beats armor; and if my enemies fall down giggling at the sight of a bikini-clad warrior rushing at them with a katana, so much the better for me. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will cultivate a non-fighting-related skill so that when the war I've worked so hard to end is finally over, I won't be unemployed. Besides, women find it charming when a man can sew. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If I do find myself unemployed after the war, I won't go over to the side of evil just because they're the only ones who still need my skills. Vocational training is dull and embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as having to fight all my old allies. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- One-on-one fights are for wusses who never learned to ignore schoolyard taunts. It takes a real man to ignore cries of, "Six-to-one odds aren't honorable!" If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will not attempt to operate any mecha until I have read the complete specs and have a signed affidavit that the self-destruct button works. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will not fret about damages to my mecha. Unbeatable mecha can be trashed on a day-to-day basis, but the techie types are so good that it will always be repaired before I need it again. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If I am issued a suit of armor or fighting costume with high heels, I will get it altered immediately. Really, people, have you no sense of style? If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If I can fly, I will bear this in mind at all times, and not waste time on chase scenes. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If I have a chance to pick a partner, I will not choose the cutest, most ineffectual kawaiiko in the cast. I will choose the villain. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will bear in mind that a fight is the second most lasting form of contract known to the animeverse. If I lose, the jerk will show up and taunt me at every plot twist; if I win, he will follow me around demanding a rematch. Or worse, he will join me. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will also bear in mind that a date is the most lasting form of contract known to the animeverse. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If an admirer refuses to understand that I don't want to date him, I will not fight him or engage in devious schemes to get away from him. I will go on a date with him and spend the evening demurely picking my nose. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If a too-cute-to-live girl refuses to understand that I don't want to date her, I will not hatch devious schemes to get away from her. I will go on a date with her and try at the first possible moment to get my hand down her blouse. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If my wise old jiichan or baasan tells me that the family shrine/forest/well/cave imprisons a demon, I will believe them. Tokyo has been blown up often enough already by kids who didn't believe their grandparents. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If my name is supposed to be in English, I will make certain that the English is grammatically sound and doesn't give English speakers fits of the giggles. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- When faced with dripping, octopoid tentacles, I will not scream and wiggle. I will pour salt on them. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will not be surprised when the person from the future turns out to be my kid. Of course they're my kid. If they weren't, they wouldn't be here. More importantly, who is the other parent? If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will spend some time learning my family history, since it's good to know in advance that I am an alien/descendant of a god/heir to the throne/part of a deal to the underworld- little things like that are sure to pop up, and its nice to know in advance. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- In the same vein, I will keep track of anything my parents/sensei say and ferret out things like, "Did you marry me off when I was three?" "Do I have a secret weakness?" "Was I adopted?" "Is what that nice alien girl said about my lineage true?" and "Are you sure there isn't another ultimate technique I can learn?" If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If I'm facing a particularly amusing or pathetic villain, I will resist the urge to kill him or let him join me. All that does is to clear the way for some new villain who is probably infinitely worse. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will establish a plan to escape from those inevitable rampaging love triangles. It may save me some dimensional-hammer-related pain. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- If annoying suitors are inevitable, I will arrange to attract only suitors who lack my strength or powers. If I do fall in love, my suitors won't be able to interfere with me or my love interest. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will have an obnoxious personality quirk that makes others suffer. This will keep me out of the "unlucky" character bracket that nice people get stuck in. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will hit on the villain of the opposite sex. This will distract him or her, and I may even score another ally. As for the second worst possible outcome, well, s/he was going to kill me anyway, right? If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will not even bother with a laser gun. When was the last time someone didn't have an energy shield to deflect it? If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will remember to knock and loudly announce that I am entering the bathroom. There are no limits to how many times this would have simplified things. If I was an Anime Hero(ine)- I will duck and avoid the large, heavy object which is coming my way, then say, "Wait! I can explain!" If I was an Anime Villian- I will not fall in love with the hero's romantic interest. I have no chance with him or her, and all of the interesting characters are already on my side. If I was an Anime Villian- If my enemy's partner is the cutest, most ineffectual kawaiiko in the cast, I will not underestimate her. She may be squealy, and she may be annoying, but she is probably the most powerful source of magical energy on the show. If I was an Anime Villian- I will not kill my underlings, no matter how ineffectual or used-up they are. It's terribly embarrassing to have the winning hand and lose because of sheer lack of numbers. If I was an Anime Villian- If my underlings repeatedly desert me for the hero's side, I will look into the merits of what he or she is doing. If it doesn't suit my plans to join the forces of good, I will at least institute a program to stop employee defections. Perhaps something involving cheery slogans and coffee-room posters. If I was an Anime Villian- If my enemy is a magical girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne, drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning in preparation to transform. I will wait until her regular clothes are gone, then yank her down and start fighting. If her shock at my breaking the Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis doesn't paralyze her, the fact that she's in her birthday suit will. If I was an Anime Villian- If my enemy must shout the names of his attacks to get the full effect, I will invest in a simple first-level AD&D spell known as the "Sphere of Silence." If I was an Anime Villian- It hardly bears mentioning that my own attacks won't have a verbal component. If I was an Anime Villian- And if the author insists upon my shouting attack names, I will not choose eight-kanji confections with fourteen syllables and no identifiable meaning. I will have attacks with names like "HA!" If I was an Anime Villian- I will remember: The plot is not on my side. There's no way that I can win, so I might as well have fun. If I was an Anime Villian- If I am facing an unbeatable mecha, I will not aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets or risk my underlings to get the specs. I will take out the techie team which maintains it. And then I will aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets. If I was an Anime Villian- If I am a second-string villain, I will fall in love with the hero(ine) as soon as possible. This will save me time and trouble in the long run. If I was an Anime Villian- If I am a second-string villain, I will join the good guys at the first chance and help them kill my boss. Then, while they celebrate, I will kill them all and take over my boss's position. If I was an Anime Villian- The most plain/young/ditzy/wussy hero(ine) dies first. There's nothing I hate more than having some punkling start displaying awesome power after I've beaten everyone else. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money; don't go. Not even if he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but do not be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear everytime the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be quite hazardous to your health; avoid it. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If there's a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. When his psychic powers are made manifest, you may actually survive. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Instead, wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that you live close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they educate you in their specialty, so that you can duplicate their research as the need arises, and excercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as you stumble along. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Evil Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and feign utter uselessness in his designs. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage). Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you are a police man, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If a new hero shows up and takes business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be good, or their powers are not fully deveolped and will soon go out of control. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather, content yourself with watching it on the nightly news. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not take a shortcut through the woods. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If your corporation conducts research, do not volunteer to work after hours. That's when the experiments go awry. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- If you are made the Chosen One, ask what this entails. If it is "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger, you've just been made a Hero, and the person naming you as the Chosen One is the Mentor (or can direct you to the Mentor). If it is "be pampered by half-naked virgins", then it will end with you being sacrificed to the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop! Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp. Innocent Bystanders Survival Guide- When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight. RPG Clichés- Typically, the teenaged male lead will begin the first day of the game by oversleeping, being woken up by his mother, and being reminded that he's slept in so late he missed meeting his girlfriend. RPG Clichés- The hero's home town, city, slum, or planet will usually be annihilated in a spectacular fashion before the end of the game, and often before the end of the opening scene. RPG Clichés- Carl Macek's Revenge- The English voice acting is always embarrassingly bad, and the more VA there is in the game, the worse it gets. RPG Clichés- Nobody ever talks during an full-motion-video sequence... thankfully, given Carl Macek's Revenge. RPG Clichés- No matter what she's accused of doing or how mysterious her origins are, the hero will always be ready to fight to the death for any girl he met three seconds ago. RPG Clichés- The aforementioned mysterious girl will be wearing a pendant that will ultimately prove to be the key to either saving the world or destroying it. RPG Clichés- The average age of a RPG character seems to be 15, unless the character is a decorated and battle-hardened soldier, in which case he might be as old as 18. They often have skills with multiple weapons and magic, years of experience, and never worry about their parents telling them to come home from adventuring before bedtime. Characters more than twenty-two years old will refer to themselves as old fogies and be eager to make room for the younger generation. RPG Clichés- RPG characters with two living parents are almost unheard of. As a general rule, male characters will only have a mother, and female characters will only have a father. The missing parent either vanished mysteriously and traumatically several years ago or is never referred to at all. Frequently the main character's surviving parent will also meet an awkward end just after the story begins, thus freeing him of inconvenient filial obligations. RPG Clichés- Good guys will only have first names, and bad guys will only have last names. Any bad guy who only has a first name will become a good guy at some point in the game. Good guys' last names may be mentioned in the manual but they will never be referred to in the story. RPG Clichés- There's always a fire dungeon, an ice dungeon, a sewer maze, a misty forest, a derelict ghost ship, a mine, a glowing crystal maze, an ancient temple full of traps, a magic floating castle, and a technological dungeon. RPG Clichés- Speaking of which, technology is inherently evil and is the exclusive province of the Bad Guys. They're the ones with the robots, factories, cyberpunk megalopolises and floating battle stations, while the Good Guys live in small villages in peaceful harmony with nature. (Although somehow your guns and/or heavily armed airships are exempted from this.) RPG Clichés- Whenever there is a sequel to an RPG that features the same main character as the previous game, that character will always start with beginner skills. Everything that they learned in the previous game will be gone, as will all their ultra-powerful weapons and equipment. RPG Clichés- Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores. RPG Clichés- No matter what timeframe the game is set in - past, present, or future - the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks. RPG Clichés- And no matter how big that big-ass sword is, you won't stand out in a crowd. Nobody ever crosses the street to avoid you or seems to be especially shocked or alarmed when a heavily armed gang bursts into their house during dinner, rummages through their posessions, and demands to know if they've seen a black-caped man. People can get used to anything, apparently. RPG Clichés- Just as the main male character will always use a sword or a variant of a sword, the main female character will always use a rod or a staff of some sort. RPG Clichés- Other than for the protagonists, your choice of weapons is not limited to the guns, clubs, or swords. Given appropriate skills, you can rampage across the continent using umbrellas, megaphones, dictionaries, sketching tablets- Name it, you can kill with it. Even better, no matter how surreal your armament, every store you pass will stock an even better model for a very reasonable price. Who else is running around the world killing people with an umbrella? RPG Clichés- Every powerful character you attempt to seek aid from will first insist upon "testing your strength" in a battle to the death. RPG Clichés- When an everyday object is useful, it will be fantastically expensive and difficult to find. For instance, if vitamins are used to heal, they'll cost 500 dollars each and never ever be in bottles of fifty at the drugstore. RPG Clichés- No matter what happens, never call on the government, the church, or any other massive controlling authority for help. They'll just send a brigade of soldiers to burn your entire village to the ground. RPG Clichés- An unlucky condition in which every major city in the game will coincidentally wind up being destroyed just after the hero arrives. RPG Clichés- Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only casual nuisances to cities later in the game, nobody from the first city ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the later cities to kill the monster. RPG Clichés- The basic ammunition for any firearms your characters have is either unlimited or very, very easy to obtain. This will apply even if firearms are extremely rare. RPG Clichés- No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or fire that gun on full auto mode it will never break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs maintenance. RPG Clichés- Enemy equipment doesn't exist. Even if your enemy is a knight in armor wielding a sword, chances are next to nothing that you'll get his armor or sword by the end of the battle. Instead, you'll get some object that (even if it is a gigantic weapon or accessory) was completely invisible during the fight. RPG Clichés- Your characters must always keep both feet on the ground and will be unable to climb over low rock ledges, railings, chairs, cats, slightly differently-colored ground, or any other trivial objects which may happen to be in their way. Note that this condition will not prevent your characters from jumping from railroad car to railroad car later in the game. RPG Clichés- The good guys never seem to get the hang of actually arresting or killing the bad guys. Minor villains are always permitted to go free so they can rest up and menace you again later - sometimes five minutes later. Knowing this rule, you can deduce that if you do manage to kill (or force the surrender of) a bad guy, you must be getting near the end of the game. RPG Clichés- Fortunately for you, the previous rule also applies in reverse. Rather than kill you when they have you at their mercy, the villains will settle for merely blasting you down to 1 hit point and leaving you in a crumpled heap while they stroll off, laughing. (This is, of course, because they're already planning ahead how they'll manipulate you into doing their bidding later in the game.) RPG Clichés- It doesn't matter that you won the fight with the boss monster; the evil task he was trying to carry out will still get accomplished somehow. Really, you might as well not have bothered. RPG Clichés- There will be a sequence which pretends to be the end of the game but obviously isn't - if for no other reason than because you're still on Disk 1 of 4. RPG Clichés- During that fake ending, the true villain of the story will kill the guy you'd thought was the villain, just to demonstrate what a badass he (the true villain) really is. You never get to kill the fake villain yourself. RPG Clichés- The goal of every game (as revealed during the Fake Ending) is to Save the World from an evil figure who's trying to take it over or destroy it. There is no way to escape from this task. No matter if the heroes goal in life is to pay a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to go out with that cute girl, it will be necessary for him to Save the World in order to do it. Take heart, though- once the world gets sorted out, everything else will fall into place almost immediately. RPG Clichés- Whenever somebody tells you about "the five ancient talismans" or "the nine legendary crystals" or whatever, you can be quite confident that Saving the World will require you to go out and find every last one of them. RPG Clichés- Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three. RPG Clichés- In the course of your adventure you will visit one desert city, one port town, one mining town, one casino city, one magic city (usually flying), one medieval castle kingdom, one martial arts-based community, one thieves' slum, one lost city and one sci-fi utopia. RPG Clichés- The capital of the evil empire is always divided into two sections: a lower city slum filled with slaves and supporters of the rebellion, and an upper city filled with loyal fanatics and corrupt aristocrats. RPG Clichés- All bookshelves contain exactly one book, which only has enough text on it to fill up half a page. RPG Clichés- Other than the royal family, its shifty advisor, and the odd mad scientist, the only government employees you will ever encounter in the course of your adventure are either guards or kitchen staff. RPG Clichés- Similarily, any factory, power plant, or other facility that you visit during the course of the game will be devoid of any human life except for the occasional guards. There will not be a single line worker or maintenance person in sight. RPG Clichés- Principle of Archaeological Convenience- Every ancient machine you find will work perfectly the first time you try to use it and every time thereafter. Even if its city got blasted into ruins and the machine was then sunk to the bottom of the sea and buried in mud for ten thousand years, it'll still work fine. The unfortunate corollary to this rule is that ancient guardian creatures will also turn out to be working perfectly when you try to filch their stuff. RPG Clichés- The loopiest guy in the game will become either your strongest character or your worst enemy. RPG Clichés- There are always giant robots. Always. RPG Clichés- The Ancient Evil returns to savage the land every thousand years on the dot, and the last time it showed up was just about 999.9875 years ago. Despite their best efforts, heroes of the past were never able to do more than seal the Evil away again for the future to deal with (question- How exactly does this "sealing away" work anyway?) The good news is that this time, the Evil will get destroyed permanently. The bad news is that you're the one who's going to have to do it. RPG Clichés- Outside the major cities, there is no government whatsoever. Of course, perhaps that explains why it's so difficult and dangerous to get anywhere outside the major cities. RPG Clichés- Whenever anybody comes up to you with a patently ludicrous claim (such as, "I'm not a cat, I'm really an ancient Red Dragon") there's an at least two-thirds chance they're telling the truth. Therefore, it pays to humor everyone you meet; odds are you'll be glad you did later on. RPG Clichés- If you're unsure about what to do next, ask all the townspeople nearby. They will either all strongly urge you to do something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing, or else they will all strongly warn you against doing something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing. RPG Clichés- In every populated area and several unpopulated ones, you will be able to buy items (usually potions) that instantly heal any wound. Despite their amazing, impossible power, these healing items are conveniently cheap and light, allowing you to purchase and carry at least 99 of them at one time. Note that there will be just as many hospitals and doctors as ever despite the obsolescence of their profession. RPG Clichés- Anything can become a vehicle - castles, cities, military academies, you name it - so do not be alarmed when the stones of the ancient fortress you are visiting shake underfoot and the whole thing lifts off into the sky. As a corollary, anything is capable of flight if it would be cool, aeronautics or even basic physics be damned. RPG Clichés- There will be only one of any non-trivial type of vehicle in the entire world. Thus, only one ocean-capable steamboat, only one airship, and so forth. Massive facilities will have been constructed all over the world to service this one vehicle. RPG Clichés- The only way to travel by land between different areas of a continent will always be through a single narrow pass in a range of otherwise impenetrable mountains. Usually a palace or monastery will have been constructed in the pass, entirely filling it. all intracontinental traffic is apparently required to abandon their vehicles and go on foot up stairs and through the barracks, library and throne room to get to the other side. This may explain why most people just stay home. RPG Clichés- Three out of every four vehicles you ride on will eventually sink, derail or crash in some spectacular manner. RPG Clichés- As has been described, you must endure great trials just to get from town to town: locating different vehicles, operating ancient transport mechanisms, evading military blockades, the list goes on. But that's just you. Every other character in the game seems to have no trouble getting to any place in the world on a moment's notice. RPG Clichés- When you're out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire hydrants, small cottages, anything and everything is just plain out to get you. It may be because of your rampant kleptomania. RPG Clichés- No matter how fast you travel, rumors of world events always travel faster. When you get to anywhere, the people on the street are already talking about where you've been. RPG Clichés- Wherever the characters go, the villains can always find them. Chances are they're asking the guy in the street (see above). But don't worry - despite being able to find the characters with ease anytime they want to, the bad guys never get rid of them by simply blowing up the tent or hotel they're spending the night in. (Just think of it: the screen dims, the peaceful going-to-sleep-now music plays, then BOOM! Game Over!) RPG Clichés- Any fighting tournament or contest of skill you hear about, you will eventually be forced to enter and win. RPG Clichés- Whenever someone asks you a question to decide what to do, it's just to be polite. He or she will ask the question again and again until you answer "correctly." RPG Clichés- The average passer-by will always say the same thing no matter how many times you talk to them, and they certainly won't clarify any of the vaguely worded warnings or cryptic half-sentences they threw at you the previous time. RPG Clichés- Every merchant in the world - even those living in far-off villages or hidden floating cities cut off from the outside world for centuries, even those who speak different languages or are of an entirely different species - accepts the same currency. RPG Clichés- All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately. RPG Clichés- Whenever you meet a villager or other such incidental character who promises to give you some great piece of needed knowledge or a required object in exchange for a seemingly simple item, such as a bar of soap or a nice straw mat, be prepared to spend at least an hour chasing around the world exchanging useless innocuous item after item with bizarre strangers until you can get that elusive first item you were asked for. RPG Clichés- Nothing is ever solved by diplomacy or politics in the world of RPGs. Any declarations of peace, summits and treaty negotiations are traps to fool the ever so gullible Good Guys into thinking the war is over, or to brainwash the remaining leaders of the world. RPG Clichés- No matter what kind of exciting, dynamic life a character was leading before joining your party, once there they will be perfectly content to sit and wait on the airship until you choose to use them. RPG Clichés- If any character in the game ever meets any other character standing alone at night looking at the moon, those two will eventually fall in love. RPG Clichés- RPG characters are immune from such mundane hazards as intense heat, freezing cold, or poison gas... except when they're suddenly not. Surprise! RPG Clichés- There will be several items or effects which depend on the numerical value of your hit points, level, etc., which makes no sense unless the characters can see all the numbers in their world and find it perfectly normal that a spell only works on a monster whose level is a multiple of 5. RPG Clichés- Opposition to gun control is probably the only thing you could get all RPG characters to agree upon. Even deep religious faith and heartfelt pacifism can't compete with the allure of guns. RPG Clichés- All characters wear a single costume which does not change over the course of the game. The only exception is when characters dress up in enemy uniforms to infiltrate their base. RPG Clichés- Any female character's costume, no matter how outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. RPG Clichés- Kingdoms are good. Empires are evil. RPG Clichés- Sticking to the task at hand and going directly from place to place and goal to goal is always a bad idea, and may even prevent you from being able to finish the game. It's by dawdling around, completing side quests and giving money to derelicts that you come into your real power. RPG Clichés- Defeating a dungeon's boss creature will frequently cause the dungeon to collapse, which is nonsensical but does make for thrilling escape scenes. RPG Clichés- In the course of your travels you may find useful-sounding spells such as Petrify, Silence, and Instant Death. However, you will end up never using these spells in combat because a) all ordinary enemies can be killed with a few normal attacks, b) all bosses and other stronger-than-average monsters are immune to those effects so there's no point in using them for long fights where they'd actually come in handy, and c) the spells usually don't work anyway. RPG Clichés- When the enemy uses Petrify, Silence, Instant Death, et cetera spells on you, they will be effective 100% of the time. RPG Clichés- The classic Ominous Ring of Land is a popular terrain feature that frequently doesn't show up on your world map. Just when you think things are going really well and you've got the Forces of Evil on the run, monsters, demons and mad gods will pour out of the ring and the problem will get 10 times worse. The main villain also usually hangs out in one of these after attaining godhood. If there are several Ominous Rings of Land or the entire world map is one big ring, you're screwed. RPG Clichés- Characters can accomplish superhuman physical feats, defeat enemies with one hand tied behind their back and use incredible abilities - until they join your party and you can control them. Then these wonderful powers all vanish, along with most of their hit points. RPG Clichés- Everything will be guarded and gated (elevators, docks, old rickety bridges, random stretches of roadway deep in the forest) except for the stuff that actually needs to be. RPG Clichés- All enemy installations and city-sized military vehicles will be equipped with a conveniently located, easy-to-operate self-destruct mechanism. RPG Clichés- If you encounter a monster that looks odd, harmless, and cute, run away! It is insanely strong and will easily decimate your party. RPG Clichés- An RPG character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds - anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the game with barely a scratch. RPG Clichés- Gold, silver, and other precious metals make excellent weapons and armor even though in the real world they are too soft and heavy to use for that purpose. In fact, they work so well that nobody ever melts their solid gold suit of armor down into bullion, sells it, and retires to a tropical isle on the proceeds. RPG Clichés- Everyone you meet will talk enthusiastically about how some fantastically rare metal (iron, say) would make the best possible armor and weapons. Oh, if only you could get your hands on some! However, once you actually obtain iron- at great personal risk, of course- everyone will dismiss it as yesterday's news and instead start talking about some even more fantastically rare metal, such as gold. Repeat until you get to the metal after "mythril" (see The Ultimate Rule.) RPG Clichés- Your average female RPG character carries a variety of deadly weapons and can effortlessly hack or magic her way through armies of monsters, cyborgs, and mutated boss creatures without breaking a sweat. She may be a ninja, a secret agent, or the world's greatest adventurer. However, if one of the game's villains manages to sneak up and grab her by the Standard Female Grab Area (her upper arm) she will be utterly helpless until rescued by the hero. RPG Clichés- If any female character, in a burst of anger or enthusiasm, decides to go off and accomplish something on her own without the hero, she will fail miserably and again have to be rescued. RPG Clichés- All of the effort you put into maxing out the female lead's statistics and special abilities will turn out to be for naught when she spends the final confrontation with the villain dead, ensorcelled, or held hostage. RPG Clichés- The characters who join your party only briefly tend to be much cooler than your regular party members. RPG Clichés- "Mommy, why didn't they use a Phoenix down on Aeris?"- Don't expect battle mechanics to carry over into the "real world." RPG Clichés- Any misdeed up to and including multiple genocide is forgiveable if you're cool enough. RPG Clichés- Somewhere in the last third of the story, the hero will make a stupid decision and the rest of the party must remind him of all that they have learned from being with him in order to return the hero to normal. RPG Clichés- The heroes can always count on the support of good-hearted vampires, dragons, thieves, demons, and chainsaw murderers in their quest to save the world from evil. And on the other hand... RPG Clichés- Watch out for generous priests, loyal military officers, and basically anyone in a position of authority who agrees to help you out, especially if they save your life and prove their sincerity innumerable times - they're usually plotting your demise in secret (at least when they can fit it into their busy schedule of betraying their country, sponsoring international terrorism, and stealing candy from small children) and will stab you in the back at the most inconvenient moment. RPG Clichés- Honorable and sympathetic people who work for the Other Side are always the genuine article. Of course they'll be busily stabbing you in the front, so either way you lose. RPG Clichés- No matter how tough and bad-ass one of the Other Side's henchmen is, if he bails to the side of Good he'll turn out to be not quite tough and bad-ass enough. The main villain will defeat him easily. But don't weep - usually he'll manage to escape just in time, leaving you to deal with the fate that was meant for him. RPG Clichés- Unless there's a running countdown clock right there on the screen, you have as long as you want to complete any task - such as, say, rescuing a friend who's hanging by one hand from a slippery cliff edge thousands of feet in the air - no matter how incredibly urgent it is. Dawdle or hurry as you will, you'll always make it just in the nick of time. RPG Clichés- When things really start falling apart, the villain's attractive female henchman will be the first to jump ship and switch to the side of Good. Sadly, she still won't survive until the end credits, because later she will sacrifice her life out of unrequited love for the villain. RPG Clichés- Any dark and brooding main characters will ultimately be redeemed by a long, ardous, quasi-spiritual quest that seems difficult at the time, but in the great scheme of things just wasn't that big of a deal after all. RPG Clichés- It will eventually turn out that, for a minimum of the first sixty percent of the game, you were actually being manipulated by the forces of evil into doing their sinister bidding for them. In extreme cases this may go as high as 90%. RPG Clichés- Nevertheless, no matter how in-your-face clear it becomes that the villain is playing the hero, and no matter how many times the hero gets burned, he will never realize that he's being suckered and decide to change his plans (or just abandon the quest and go get drunk, presumably foiling the villain's manipulative schemes that way.) RPG Clichés- Any character who has amnesia will be cured before the end of the game. They usually won't like what they find out about themselves, though. RPG Clichés- If there is any chance whatsoever that major villain X could be the male lead's father, then it will turn out that major villain X is the male lead's father. RPG Clichés- There will be at least one supremely ultimate improvement for your weapon or some way to make your trusted steed capable of going anywhere and doing anything, requiring hours and hours of hard work to acquire. Once you do achieve this, you will use it once, and it will be completely useless for the rest of the game. RPG Clichés- The magic formula for acquiring this supreme upgrade will be only vaguely alluded to in the game itself. Ideally, you're supposed to shell out 19.95 for the strategy guide instead. RPG Clichés- If the villain needs all ten legendary medallions to attain world domination and you have nine of them, everybody in your party still thinks it is neccessary to bring the nine to the villain's castle and get the final one, instead of hiding the ones they've already got and spoiling his plans that way. RPG Clichés- All space stations, flying cities, floating continents and so forth will without exception either be blown up or crash violently to earth before the end of the game. RPG Clichés- By the time you've gotten it in gear, dealt with your miscellaneous personal crises and are finally ready to go Save the World once and for all, nine-tenths of it will already have been destroyed. Still, you've got to give your all to save the remaining one-tenth. RPG Clichés- As you approach the final confrontation with the villain, events will become increasingly awkward, contrived and disconnected from one another - almost as if some cosmic Author was running up against a deadline and had to slap together the ending at the last minute. RPG Clichés- By the end of the game you are renowned everywhere as the Legendary Heroes, every surviving government and authority figure has rallied behind you, the fate of the world is obviously hanging in the balance, and out of nowhere random passers-by give you a pat on the back and heartfelt good luck wishes. However, shopkeepers won't even give you a discount, much less free supplies for the final battle with evil. RPG Clichés- No matter how thoroughly devastated the continent/planet/universe is, there's always some shopkeeper who survived the end of the world and sits outside the gates of the villain's castle, selling the most powerful equipment in the game, like nothing ever happened. RPG Clichés- You will have to kill the evil villain at least twice at the end of the game. First the villain will look like a person or some creature and be rather easy to kill. Then he will grow to about 50 times the hero's size and be much harder to kill. RPG Clichés- Even if you manage to deal with him that time, you're not done - the villain will then transform into his final form, which is always an angelic winged figure with background music remixed for ecstatic chorus and pipe organ. RPG Clichés- During the last battle, the villain may destroy the world or even the entire solar system just to get you. Do not be alarmed: since the world is generally none the worse for wear afterwards, these attacks seem to be largely illusionary. They still hurt like the dickens, though. RPG Clichés- Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired prettyboy and beating the crap out of him. RPG Clichés- There's always a hidden creature who is much harder to defeat than even the ultimate bad guy's final, world-annihilating form. It's lucky for all concerned that this hidden creature prefers to stay hidden rather than trying to take over the world himself, because he'd probably win. As a corollary, whatever reward you get for killing the hidden creature is basically worthless because by the time you're powerful enough to defeat him, you don't need it any more. RPG Clichés- Anything called "Ultima (whatever)" or "Ultimate (whatever)" isn't. There's always at least one thing somewhere in the world which is even more. RPG Clichés- Every woman in the game will find the male lead incredibly attractive. Rules of Men #1- Don't call, ever. Rules of Men #2- If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. Rules of Men #3- Lie. Rules of Men #4- Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as 'spike'. Rules of Men #5- If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them. Rules of Men #6- Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?" Rules of Men #7- Drink Vernors. Rules of Men #8- Play with yourself. Talk about it. Rules of Men #9- Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do. Rules of Men #10- Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. Rules of Men #11- Lie. Rules of Men #12- Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. Rules of Men #13- Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help don't ask. People will think you have no penis. Rules of Men #14- Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. Rules of Men #15- Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing etc. Rules of Men #16- If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality." Rules of Men #17- If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissable. Rules of Men #18- TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. Rules of Men #19- Everyone finda a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. Rules of Men #20- One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. Rules of Men #21- Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. Rules of Men #22- Say things like "Wha....?" Rules of Men #23- Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. Rules of Men #24- Lie. Rules of Men #25- Deny everything. Everything. Rules of Men #26- Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." Rules of Men #27- If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know. Rules of Men #28- Don't have a clue. Rules of Men #29- If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. Rules of Men #30- No means yes. Rules of Men #31- Yes mean no. Rules of Men #32- If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. Rules of Men #33- If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise. Rules of Men #34- Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. Rules of Men #35- Feelings? What feelings? Rules of Men #36- Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." Rules of Men #37- Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. Rules of Men #38- Lie. Rules of Men #39- DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." Rules of Men #40- Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so. Rules of Men #41- At any givern opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of you penis. Measure to make sure it's right. Rules of Men #42- Lie. Rules of Men #43- "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it. Rules of Men #44- A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. Rules of Men #45- Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. Rules of Men #46- Lie. Rules of Men #47- ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. Rules of Men #48- If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't Rules of Men #49- Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. Rules of Men #50- Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. Rules of Men #51- It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. Rules of Men #52- Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc. Rules of Men #53- Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining. Rules of Men #54- Lie. Rules of Men #55- Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. Rules of Men #56- Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. Rules of Men #57- If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. Rules of Men #58- You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. Rules of Men #59- You are male, therefore you are superior. Rules of Men #60- Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink Beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. Rules of Men #61- Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. Rules of Men #62- Don't ever notice anything. Rules of Men #63- If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. Rules of Men #64- Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. Rules of Men #65- Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. Rules of Men #66- Lie. Rules of Men #67- If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. Rules of Men #68- Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? Rules of Men #69- If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know." Rules of Men #70- Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. Rules of Men #71- Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. Rules of Men #72- If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault, not you. Rules of Men #73- Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. Rules of Men #74- If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. Rules of Men #75- Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others. Rules of Men #76- Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud. Rules of Men #77- Lie. Rules of Men #78- General Rule: Different is BAD. Rules of Men #79- If anyone asks you for a favor - a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. Rules of Men #80- Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run. Rules of Men #81- If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" Rules of Men #82- Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. Rules of Men #83- Lie. Rules of Men #84- If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. Rules of Men #85- When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then." Rules of Men #86- Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story). Rules of Men #87- If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. Rules of Men #88- The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. Rules of Men #89- Practice your blank stare. Rules of Men #90- Spend you spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass. Rules of Men #91- If you are ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again. Rules of Men #92- If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. Rules of Men #93- Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!" Rules of Men #94- Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. Rules of Men #95- Beer. Then more beer. Rules of Men #96- Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. Rules of Men #97- One word: FOOTBALL! Rules of Men #98- Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? Rules of Men #99- Diss your girlfriends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang". Rules of Men #100- Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof. Creative Pizza Orders #1- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Creative Pizza Orders #2- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Creative Pizza Orders #3- Use CB lingo where applicable. Creative Pizza Orders #4- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Creative Pizza Orders #5- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." Creative Pizza Orders #6- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. Creative Pizza Orders #7- Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. Creative Pizza Orders #8- Answer their questions with questions. Creative Pizza Orders #9- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. Creative Pizza Orders #10- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE. Creative Pizza Orders #11- Tell them to put the crust on top this time. Creative Pizza Orders #12- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. Creative Pizza Orders #13- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. Creative Pizza Orders #14- Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." Creative Pizza Orders #15- Stutter on the letter "p." Creative Pizza Orders #16- Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) Creative Pizza Orders #17- Ask what the order taker is wearing. Creative Pizza Orders #18- Crack your knuckles into the receiver. Creative Pizza Orders #19- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Creative Pizza Orders #20- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. Creative Pizza Orders #21- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. Creative Pizza Orders #22- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. Creative Pizza Orders #23- Change your accent every three seconds. Creative Pizza Orders #24- Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. Creative Pizza Orders #25- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" Creative Pizza Orders #26- Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't." Creative Pizza Orders #27- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." Creative Pizza Orders #28- Rent a pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #29- Order while using an electric knife sharpener. Creative Pizza Orders #30- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Creative Pizza Orders #31- Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. Creative Pizza Orders #32- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." Creative Pizza Orders #33- Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" Creative Pizza Orders #34- Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. Creative Pizza Orders #35- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Creative Pizza Orders #36- Imitate the order taker's voice. Creative Pizza Orders #37- Eliminate verbs from your speech. Creative Pizza Orders #38- When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." Creative Pizza Orders #39- Play a sitar in the background. Creative Pizza Orders #40- Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. Creative Pizza Orders #41- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. Creative Pizza Orders #42- Ask to see a menu. Creative Pizza Orders #43- Quote Carl Sandberg. Creative Pizza Orders #44- Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. Creative Pizza Orders #45- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #46- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. Creative Pizza Orders #47- Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. Creative Pizza Orders #48- Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #49- Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" Creative Pizza Orders #50- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?" Creative Pizza Orders #51- Psychoanalyze the order taker. Creative Pizza Orders #52- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. Creative Pizza Orders #53- Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." Creative Pizza Orders #54- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #55- Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. Creative Pizza Orders #56- Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. Creative Pizza Orders #57- Report a petty theft to the order taker. Creative Pizza Orders #58- Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." Creative Pizza Orders #59- Ask for the guy who took your order last time. Creative Pizza Orders #60- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." Creative Pizza Orders #61- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. Creative Pizza Orders #62- Try to talk while drinking something. Creative Pizza Orders #63- Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!" Creative Pizza Orders #64- Ask if the pizza is organically grown. Creative Pizza Orders #65- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. Creative Pizza Orders #66- Be vague in your order. Creative Pizza Orders #67- When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." Creative Pizza Orders #68- If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. Creative Pizza Orders #69- After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. Creative Pizza Orders #70- Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." Creative Pizza Orders #71- State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. Creative Pizza Orders #72- Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #73- Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. Creative Pizza Orders #74- Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. Creative Pizza Orders #75- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #76- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. Creative Pizza Orders #77- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. Creative Pizza Orders #78- Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. Creative Pizza Orders #79- Put them on hold. Creative Pizza Orders #80- Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. Creative Pizza Orders #81- Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." Creative Pizza Orders #82- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. Creative Pizza Orders #83- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" Creative Pizza Orders #84- When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." Creative Pizza Orders #85- Haggle. Creative Pizza Orders #86- Order a one-inch pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #87- Order term life insurance. Creative Pizza Orders #88- When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" Creative Pizza Orders #89- Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. Creative Pizza Orders #90- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #91- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. Creative Pizza Orders #92- Engage in some serious swapping. Creative Pizza Orders #93- Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." Creative Pizza Orders #94- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. Creative Pizza Orders #95- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. Creative Pizza Orders #96- Ask if the pizza has had its shots. Creative Pizza Orders #97- Order a steamed pizza. Creative Pizza Orders #98- Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. Creative Pizza Orders #99- Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. Creative Pizza Orders #100- If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." If I was a vampire #1- I will have traps rigged throughout my abode. If I was a vampire #2- My inner sanctum will never have windows open to the outside if I can possibly help it. If I was a vampire #3- If I cannot find an abode without windows, all windows will not merely be boarded up, much less painted over waiting to be broken through. Instead they will be closed up with brick and mortar. If I was a vampire #4- I will always wear a reliable watch with an alarm set to go off well before sunrise. If I was a vampire #5- I will never turn into a bat. It never helps. If I was a vampire #6- I will learn to be comfortable with crucifixes. If I was a vampire #7- I will always wear protection when I go out at night - waterproof, stab-proof, and flame-retardant. If I was a vampire #8- I will never feed on members from the immediate area - instead I will go after people in the next county who won't know me from Adam and won't be immediately suspicious of that "weird loner" if people start disappearing. If I was a vampire #9- I will not sleep in a twin-size coffin- the undead like a comfortable bed too. If I was a vampire #10- If at all possible, I will move to a place out in the desert, where wood is hard to come by. If I was a vampire #11- I will avoid residing in old creepy abandoned mansions. That's the first place a village mob will look. If I was a vampire #12- I will be a major sponsor of costume stores, especially during Halloween. The more decoys there are running about at night, the easier time I'll have. If I was a vampire #13- If I ever meet my true love reincarnated, I will not slowly drain her over the course of several nights, but I will immediately turn her into my vampire slave. If I was a vampire #14- I will not slowly stalk my prey, savouring the hunt. I will instead use a .357 magnum and kneecap them from a safe distance before I close for the kill. If I was a vampire #15- I will go to diction class to lose my stupid, tell-tale accent. If I was a vampire #16- My trustworthy servant will not be a half-mad, bug-eating hunchbank but a cultured English butler named Jeeves. If I was a vampire #17- My butler, Jeeves, will be schooled in 14 different types of martial arts so that he can easily kill a man with a melon baller rather than getting his ass kicked by every wanna-be hero type. If I was a vampire #18- I will not wear black unless it is fashion. If I was a vampire #19- I will get a good haircut instead of those stupid widow's peaks. If I was a vampire #20- I will change my name to Chuck or Harvey or something like that. While everyone may suspect that Count von Carnage is a vampire, I doubt that Chuck Finkle moving into the neighbourhood will raise much suspicion. If I was a vampire #21- I will be generous and philanthropic to all the locals and no one will live in fear of my vicelike grip over the area. If I was a vampire #22- I will never, EVER go to New Orleans. If I was a vampire #23- I will hunt Anne Rice down and beat her to death. If I was a vampire #24- If I decide to kill off the Slayer (or any other vampire-hunter who is beginning to annoy me) I won't do it by biting her neck and drinking her blood. That might be more enjoyable, but it tends to bring me within reach of her wooden stakes and those of her friends. Instead, I will obtain a high-powered rifle with a scope and shoot her from a safe distance. She may be supernaturally strong, but she's not bulletproof. If I was a vampire #25- I will not waste my time trying to kill the slayer. Instead I will prey on nobodies in a town far from where the slayer lives. If I was a vampire #26- I will not worry about my reputation. I am a vampire, I'll kill anyone who disses me. If I was a vampire #27- I will not agonize over my sorry fate, I will revel in my new powers. If I was a vampire #28- I will invest heavily in SP4000 sunblock. If I was a vampire #29- I will sleep in an bulletproof, armour-plated coffin that locks from the inside. If I was a vampire #30- I will keep a large calibre handgun in my coffin to see off would be hero types who try to take me out while I rest. If I was a vampire #31- If I must kill the slayer I will hire professional assassins and merenaries. I will not come within 500 miles of the slayer. Then I will pay them as agreed instead of killing them so that others will work for me in the future. If I was a vampire #32- I will not moon over my true love, lost to me these many years. I will get over myself and get a new girl. If I was a vampire #33- I will never, EVER say the word "I vant to suck your blood" or "The children of the night, what sweet music they make". If I was a vampire #34- I will not style my hair to look like a DEVO wig or an extra bum. If I was a vampire #35- I will kick the collective asses of Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder and especially Keanu Reeves. If I was a vampire #36- I will hire and exterminator, a decorator and a maid. If I was a vampire #37- If I must live in an old, decrepit anceastral castle I will have dozens of men guarding it, not a single half-mad bug-eating hunchback. If I was a vampire #38- I will carry carrots and sugar-cubes in my pockets to calm all the horses who seem to get so upset when I come near. If I was a vampire #39- I will learn to drink fruit juice and like it so as not to arouse suspicion when I refuse to consume anything in front of my guests. If I was a vampire #40- I will put money in banks, not treasure vaults under my castle. Interest bearing accounts are an immortal's best friend. If I was a vampire #41- I will keep lawyers on retainer. Restraining orders are a good first step toward warding off enthusiastic hunters and are less legally questionable than spike traps, crushing hallways, and (in these modern nights) claymore mines. Besides, when a hunter violates the restraining order, I've got a good leg to stand on in court when I DO use the booby traps. If I was a vampire #42- I will contribute to the ACLU. If my cover is blown I want to be an oppressed minority with legal protection, not the guest of honor for an angry village mob. If I was a vampire #43- I will establish a legal identity. It helps keep the government off my back, which is the most likely group to blow my cover. If I was a vampire #44- I will start a blood bank with legal fine print allowing a portion of its gathered blood to be disposed of as I please. Send the rest to the Red Cross, of course. If I was a vampire #45- I will be nice to my neighbors, donate to charities, help get kittens out of trees, help with medical bills, always be polite. With the blood bank, there's no need to be a prick to locals i.e. potential angry village mobs. And friendly neighbors make great spotters for any suspicious looking sorts with crossbows and big crosses lurking around the neighborhood. If I was a vampire #46- I will donate expensive toys to the local police department (and fire department!) that the boys in blue have been craving but local taxpayers are too miserly to spring for. Bulletproof vests, electron microscopes, money for more officers on the beat, new fire engines, infrared goggles- all these things make police departments very warm & fuzzy toward a modern vampire. Your biggest threat is the government, and police are the manner laws are executed through. If I was a vampire #47- I will contribute to the campaigns of sheriffs and judges. Who says it's illegal to bribe government officials into your pockets? Make sure to check with your lawyers to make the contributions nice and legal. If I was a vampire #48- I will find local goths, teenage girls (note local age of consent laws), and lonely housewives. Confide in them of your status as a vampire - play up the angst aspect. They're a great back-up and alternative to the blood bank. If I was a vampire #49- I will NOT sleep in a coffin, but instead in a pleasant room hidden nearby; the coffin will be there, looking completely ordinary, but filled with unpleasant gas (knockout perhaps; nerve gas otherwise) as a surprise for anyone who opens it.... If I was a vampire #50- If I MUST sleep in a coffin, let it be bulletproof etc by all means with an escape route accessible from inside. If I was a vampire #51- If I MUST sleep in a coffin, it'll still be full of unpleasant gas as a surprise for anyone who opens it. After all, I'm a vampire, I don't need to breathe... If I was a vampire #52- I will pay off a talk-show or radio shrink (or *be* that radio shrink) to interview wannabee vampires on the air, making them look cool and edgy to young adults but like a harmless youth fad to older and more powerful people. With any luck, this will make more "vampire cults" rise up, which are good sources of willing victims and may conceal your activities behind a smokescreen of wannabee vampire activities. If I was a vampire #53- I will mass-market an RPG that makes Vampires seem mysterious and ultra-ultra cool, with information about vampires in it that is close enough to the real thing that people may try to use it as a substitute for real research. Leave out critical details so that a hunter who has only read the RPG will have some fatal surprises in store for them. If I was a vampire #54- I will continue being a geek. Everybody thinks we geeks are eccentric and never go out in broad daylight anyway. If I was a vampire #55- I will have to upgrade my wardrobe. Vampires are all about charisma, aren't they? If I was a vampire #56- I will get a job at a rave as a DJ. Preferably one with lots of TRANCE music and teeny-boppers dropping ecstacy like popcorn. Not neccesarily to take any of them, but just to enjoy the atmosphere. Okay, maybe to take one now and then. If I was a vampire #57- I will pay the right people to get me dual citizanship in Australia, and perfect the accent. Nobody expects an Australian vampire. If I was an Evil Overlord #1- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. If I was an Evil Overlord #2- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. If I was an Evil Overlord #3- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. If I was an Evil Overlord #4- Shooting is not too good for my enemies. If I was an Evil Overlord #5- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. If I was an Evil Overlord #6- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. If I was an Evil Overlord #7- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." If I was an Evil Overlord #8- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. If I was an Evil Overlord #9- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. If I was an Evil Overlord #10- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. If I was an Evil Overlord #11- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. If I was an Evil Overlord #12- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. If I was an Evil Overlord #13- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. If I was an Evil Overlord #14- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. If I was an Evil Overlord #15- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. If I was an Evil Overlord #16- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." If I was an Evil Overlord #17- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. If I was an Evil Overlord #18- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. If I was an Evil Overlord #19- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. If I was an Evil Overlord #20- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. If I was an Evil Overlord #21- I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. If I was an Evil Overlord #22- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. If I was an Evil Overlord #23- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way - even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless - my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. If I was an Evil Overlord #24- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) If I was an Evil Overlord #25- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. If I was an Evil Overlord #26- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. If I was an Evil Overlord #27- I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. If I was an Evil Overlord #28- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. If I was an Evil Overlord #29- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. If I was an Evil Overlord #30- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. If I was an Evil Overlord #31- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. If I was an Evil Overlord #32- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. If I was an Evil Overlord #33- I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. If I was an Evil Overlord #34- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. If I was an Evil Overlord #35- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. If I was an Evil Overlord #36- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. If I was an Evil Overlord #37- If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. If I was an Evil Overlord #38- If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. If I was an Evil Overlord #39- If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. If I was an Evil Overlord #40- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. If I was an Evil Overlord #41- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. If I was an Evil Overlord #42- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. If I was an Evil Overlord #43- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. If I was an Evil Overlord #44- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. If I was an Evil Overlord #45- I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. If I was an Evil Overlord #46- If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. If I was an Evil Overlord #47- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. If I was an Evil Overlord #48- I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. If I was an Evil Overlord #49- If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. If I was an Evil Overlord #50- My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. If I was an Evil Overlord #51- If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. If I was an Evil Overlord #52- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. If I was an Evil Overlord #53- If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. If I was an Evil Overlord #54- I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. If I was an Evil Overlord #55- The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. If I was an Evil Overlord #56- My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. If I was an Evil Overlord #57- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. If I was an Evil Overlord #58- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. If I was an Evil Overlord #59- I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. If I was an Evil Overlord #60- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. If I was an Evil Overlord #61- If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. If I was an Evil Overlord #62- I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. If I was an Evil Overlord #63- Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. If I was an Evil Overlord #64- I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. If I was an Evil Overlord #65- If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. If I was an Evil Overlord #66- My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. If I was an Evil Overlord #67- No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. If I was an Evil Overlord #68- I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. If I was an Evil Overlord #69- All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. If I was an Evil Overlord #70- When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. If I was an Evil Overlord #71- If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. If I was an Evil Overlord #72- If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. If I was an Evil Overlord #73- I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. If I was an Evil Overlord #74- When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. If I was an Evil Overlord #75- I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. If I was an Evil Overlord #76- If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) If I was an Evil Overlord #77- If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. If I was an Evil Overlord #78- I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." If I was an Evil Overlord #79- If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. If I was an Evil Overlord #80- If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. If I was an Evil Overlord #81- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. If I was an Evil Overlord #82- I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. If I was an Evil Overlord #83- If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. If I was an Evil Overlord #84- I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. If I was an Evil Overlord #85- I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." If I was an Evil Overlord #86- I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. If I was an Evil Overlord #87- My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. If I was an Evil Overlord #88- If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. If I was an Evil Overlord #89- After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. If I was an Evil Overlord #90- I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. If I was an Evil Overlord #91- I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. If I was an Evil Overlord #92- If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) If I was an Evil Overlord #93- If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. If I was an Evil Overlord #94- When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. If I was an Evil Overlord #95- My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. If I was an Evil Overlord #96- My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. If I was an Evil Overlord #97- My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. If I was an Evil Overlord #98- If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. If I was an Evil Overlord #99- Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. If I was an Evil Overlord #100- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. If I was an Evil Overlord #101- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself. If I was an Evil Overlord #102- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. If I was an Evil Overlord #103- I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. If I was an Evil Overlord #104- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. If I was an Evil Overlord #105- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. If I was an Evil Overlord #106- If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. If I was an Evil Overlord #107- Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. If I was an Evil Overlord #108- Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. If I was an Evil Overlord #109- I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. If I was an Evil Overlord #110- I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. If I was an Evil Overlord #111- I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. If I was an Evil Overlord #112- I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans. If I was an Evil Overlord #113- I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. If I was an Evil Overlord #114- I will never accept a challenge from the hero. If I was an Evil Overlord #115- I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. If I was an Evil Overlord #116- If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range. If I was an Evil Overlord #117- No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" If I was an Evil Overlord #118- If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded. If I was an Evil Overlord #119- I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead. If I was an Evil Overlord #120- Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue. If I was an Evil Overlord #121- If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. If I was an Evil Overlord #122- The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other. If I was an Evil Overlord #123- If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. If I was an Evil Overlord #124- Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago. If I was an Evil Overlord #125- Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise. If I was an Evil Overlord #126- Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track. If I was an Evil Overlord #127- Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution. If I was an Evil Overlord #128- I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable. If I was an Evil Overlord #129- Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. If I was an Evil Overlord #130- All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. If I was an Evil Overlord #131- I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. If I was an Evil Overlord #132- Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance. If I was an Evil Overlord #133- If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. If I was an Evil Overlord #134- If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.) If I was an Evil Overlord #135- My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.) If I was an Evil Overlord #136- If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red. If I was an Evil Overlord #137- Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. If I was an Evil Overlord #138- The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective. If I was an Evil Overlord #139- If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.) If I was an Evil Overlord #140- I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering. If I was an Evil Overlord #141- As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. If I was an Evil Overlord #142- If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to explain to her why he needs to kill her grandpa. When the hero launches into a morality talk way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, kids like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. If I was an Evil Overlord #143- If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor. If I was an Evil Overlord #144- I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way. If I was an Evil Overlord #145- My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. If I was an Evil Overlord #146- If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage. If I was an Evil Overlord #147- I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously. If I was an Evil Overlord #148- Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work. If I was an Evil Overlord #149- Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. If I was an Evil Overlord #150- I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet". If I was an Evil Overlord #151- I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. If I was an Evil Overlord #152- I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit. If I was an Evil Overlord #153- My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles. If I was an Evil Overlord #154- I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit. If I was an Evil Overlord #155- If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends. If I was an Evil Overlord #156- If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available. If I was an Evil Overlord #157- Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen. If I was an Evil Overlord #158- I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad. If I was an Evil Overlord #159- If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell. If I was an Evil Overlord #160- Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them. If I was an Evil Overlord #161- I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy. If I was an Evil Overlord #162- If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display. If I was an Evil Overlord #163- When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp. If I was an Evil Overlord #164- I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero. If I was an Evil Overlord #165- As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room. If I was an Evil Overlord #166- If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again. If I was an Evil Overlord #167- If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius. If I was an Evil Overlord #168- I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate. If I was an Evil Overlord #169- If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls. If I was an Evil Overlord #170- I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion. If I was an Evil Overlord #171- I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above. If I was an Evil Overlord #172- I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift. If I was an Evil Overlord #173- Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero. If I was an Evil Overlord #174- If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution. If I was an Evil Overlord #175- I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated. If I was an Evil Overlord #176- I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion. If I was an Evil Overlord #177- If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition. If I was an Evil Overlord #178- If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him. If I was an Evil Overlord #179- I will not outsource core functions. If I was an Evil Overlord #180- If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse. If I was an Evil Overlord #181- I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire. If I was an Evil Overlord #182- I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion. If I was an Evil Overlord #183- Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor. If I was an Evil Overlord #184- I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British). If I was an Evil Overlord #185- If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon. If I was an Evil Overlord #186- I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices. If I was an Evil Overlord #187- I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses. If I was an Evil Overlord #188- I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes. If I was an Evil Overlord #189- I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain. If I was an Evil Overlord #190- If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version. If I was an Evil Overlord #191- I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC. If I was an Evil Overlord #192- If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman. If I was an Evil Overlord #193- If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax. If I was an Evil Overlord #194- I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits. If I was an Evil Overlord #195- I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them. If I was an Evil Overlord #196- I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me. If I was an Evil Overlord #197- I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed. If I was an Evil Overlord #198- I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know. If I was an Evil Overlord #199- I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory. If I was an Evil Overlord #200- During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor. If I was an Evil Overlord #201- All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries. If I was an Evil Overlord #202- All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility. If I was an Evil Overlord #203- I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache. If I was an Evil Overlord #204- I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source. If I was an Evil Overlord #205- All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon. If I was an Evil Overlord #206- When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club. If I was an Evil Overlord #207- Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot. If I was an Evil Overlord #208- Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction. If I was an Evil Overlord #209- I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date. If I was an Evil Overlord #210- All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting. If I was an Evil Overlord #211- If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design. If I was an Evil Overlord #212- I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings. If I was an Evil Overlord #213- I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape. If I was an Evil Overlord #214- If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.) If I was an Evil Overlord #215- If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds. If I was an Evil Overlord #216- If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero. If I was an Evil Overlord #217- If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer. If I was an Evil Overlord #218- I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study. If I was an Evil Overlord #219- I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job. If I was an Evil Overlord #220- Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave." If I was an Evil Overlord #221- My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate. If I was an Evil Overlord #222- I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" If I was an Evil Overlord #223- I will install a fire extinguisher in every room - three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals. If I was an Evil Overlord #224- I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors". If I was an Evil Overlord #225- I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway. If I was an Evil Overlord #226- I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike. If I was an Evil Overlord #227- I will never bait a trap with genuine bait. If I was an Evil Overlord #228- If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well. If I was an Evil Overlord #229- If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively. If I was an Evil Overlord #230- I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality. If I was an Evil Overlord #231- Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles. "IU, Aren't you ashamed of yourself for such a horrendously long file of random useless quotes? IU: Shame is an ignoble social effort to compel conformity to convention, though without any basis except a desire to control. If you wish for me to be ashamed in hopes that I then repeal and retract the expression of myself, that is unlikely to occur.