Ok, so you're here for the Non-Scorers test, right? If not, go away! Sorry. Now, about how you take this test. Read every question carefully, and then read the responses. Be honest! Pick the answer that appeals to you, but is also at least relatively close to being true as the question pertains to you.
After selecting an answer, look at the letter choice beside it you chose. Your letter will be between A-F. For every A you choose, award yourself zero points. For every F you choose, award yourself five points, get it? So if you chose C, then you get how many points? That's right, 2. I'm glad to see you passed third grade math.
Now remember, each question has been scientifically tested to address particular aspects of a Non-Scoring personality. For example, question #1 asks you to choose a number from 1-100 (which you should do NOW to avoid seeing the answers). This question tests a person's Non-Scoring subconscious. Unless you've already seen the answers, you have to rely on your natural ability when choosing a number. It's all up to your subconscious!
When you are done with the 20 questions, add up your total points, and read the conclusion at the end. Then, if you feel brave enough, send your results to Jake at the e-mail address posted at the end. Results we receive will be posted shortly. Enjoy!
#1) Pick a number between 1-100 NOW!
a) 2-6, 19-33, 57-68, 88-98.
b) 8-11, 36-40, 79-81.
c) 46-56, 71-78.
d) 12, 14-17, 35, 41-43, 69.
e) 1, 44-45, 82-87, 99-100.
f) 7, 13, 18, 34, 70.
#2) Who are the best looking three women in the world?
a) Mariah Carey, Ali Landry, and Britney Spears.
b) Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Christina Aguilera, and Sarah Michelle-Gellar.
c) Carmen Electra, Fiona Apple and Jewel.
d) Oprah Winfrey, Hilary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.
e) Bonnie Watson, Tasha Sheppard and Katie Ash.
f) Hanson.
#3) What do you think of when we say the word: Superficies? (Soo-pur-fee-cees)
a) Oh, that's a Spanish word, but I don't remember what it means.
b) Oh, that's a small town in Sri Lanka.
c) I heard that's an economic term for when the supply curve reaches 90 degrees.
d) I heard Beavis say it once, and then Butthead slapped him.
e) Isn't that a song by the Backstreet Boys?
f) Oh yeah! I had that for dinner last night! It was awesome! YUM!
#4) How often do you go on-line?
a) I don't go on-line, I don't even have a computer.
b) I have a computer, but I don't use it to go on-line.
c) A few hours a week.
d) Every waking moment.
e) I have a computer in the bathroom so I don't miss a thing.
f) What's on-line?
#5) What do you do in your free time?
a) I don't have free time, I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. What do YOU think we do??
b) Read, watch TV, you know, the usual.
c) Hang out with friends or work.
d) What's on-line?
e) Ask people out just so they can reject you.
f) Masturbation.
#6) When is it appropriate to "make your move" on a date?
a) Whenever you get a clear signal from your date that it's OK.
b) Anytime during the last 45 minutes of a movie.
c) Anytime you're in a parked car.
d) Anytime your date's parents aren't around.
e) Anytime after 8:00 pm.
f) What the hell do I need a date for when I have good 'ol "Lefty"?
#7) What was the last video you've seen?
a) I don't really remember. See, I was macking it out with my date the entire time, and didn't really get to watch.
b) Scream 2, and man, it was awesome!
c) Grease.
d) My mom rented me a Disney movie a few years ago.
e) Well, I was going to watch "Armageddon," but I skipped it to go to an N 'Sync concert instead.
f) A porno.
#8) Which of the following would you be most inclined to read?
a) Anything not is not even closely related to the items listed below.
b) A comic book.
c) Oedipus Rex.
d) Webster's Dictionary.
e) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
f) Playboy/Playgirl.
#9) What do you think of when we say: Cthululuism?
a) What?
b) Um, that looks like a random string of letters that don't serve any real purpose other than to make the Non-Scorers Club members look smart because they know a big word.
c) Oh yeah, that's the belief that ancient canaries once ruled the world as Gods.
d) I've heard that before. It was discussed in this book I read once, and it's something like a mad cow disease, only it's for girls instead of guys.
e) Huh?
f) All praise the mighty Cthululu! All hail him! You! Yeah, you! The one in the back! Bow down right this instant! This is important! Damn it, don't make me come back there!
#10) What would be your reaction if someone said they would score with you?
a) I'm busy on Thursday, but I can fit you in on Friday. That work for you?
b) Here, let me think about it... hell ya!
c) What?
d) Um... *cough* I, uh... I guess so, I don't know... what do you think?
e) Ye-ah, boy-ee!
f) Huh? With me, you mean?
#11) Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
a) No, I think aliens don't exist.
b) No, but I've heard stories about it happening before.
c) I'm not sure, but I think so.
d) Yeah, and they took me to Burger King for some fries. It was cool!
e) Yes, and it was weird, because they were showing me their mating rituals, just to show off because they knew I couldn't score.
f) Yeah, and they stuck something up my butt! It hurt like hell! I'm still in pain!
#12) How do you prepare for a date?
a) I take a shower, make sure I smell nice, and take extra special care to make sure my hair is looking nice.
b) A pack of certs, some mouth spray, and a map of the area my date and I will be going.
c) I stand in front of the mirror while I flex so that I can remind myself that my date is going out with one sexy guy.
d) 2 beers, 3 shots of Tequila, and a few minutes with good 'ol "Lefty."
e) Date? What's that? Oh, isn't that some kind of fruit or somethin'?
f) Date!? I'm going on a date? Does she have a friend? Am I gonna score?? Woohoo! I'm gonna score!
#13) What's the best hand you can get in poker?
a) A royal flush.
b) Four of a kind.
c) I don't know how to play poker.
d) Poker? Isn't that the game with the cards or something?
e) Poke-her? Huh?
f) The one in my pants.
#14) What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
a) Strawberry.
b) Chocolate.
c) Rocky Road.
d) Chocolate covered cherries.
e) Vanilla.
f) Mocha.
#15) True or False: What am I going to do with 3,000 pounds of condensed milk?
a) I don't get it.
b) What? That doesn't even make any sense, you morons.
c) Who comes up with these crappy questions?
d) True.
e) False.
f) 12.
#16) What's your favorite color?
a) Black.
b) Green.
c) Red.
d) Blue.
e) Purple.
f) Brown.
#17) What statement are you most likely to say?
a) "I have just scored! Woohoo!"
b) "I have been on several dates recently."
c) "Ye-ah, boy-ee!"
d) "Duncan's gonna score!"
e) "Hey, how's it goin', man?"
f) "I really gotta have some sex!"
#18) Which slogan best describes you?
a) All day strong. All day long.
b) Just do it.
c) If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.
d) Dogs don't know it's not bacon.
e) Got Milk?
f) If I could be like Mike.
#19) What color do you think Michael Jackson's skin is?
a) White.
b) Black.
c) Purple.
d) Neon.
e) Who really knows?
f) Who really cares?
#20) What are "tittles"?
a) Um, I'm not sure, but I think they're the dots above the letters "i" and "j."
b) I dunno. Fans of the former football player Y.A. Tittle?
c) Aren't those the little nipple thingies that hang down from a cow?
d) Damn! That was on JEOPARDY last night! What did Alex say it was... let's see...
e) My cat leaves tittles all over the place, and then I hafta clean the freakin' things up. Stupid cat! See? He did it again! What's the matter!? Couldn't find the litter box or somethin'!? BAD KITTY!
f) It's what all female midgets have.
0 Points: You are obviously Da Man (or Da Woman) 'cuz you don't have a Non-Scoring cell in your body. In fact, we don't even know why you took this test. We figure it was to show off to the ladies (or men) that hang from your arms all day and night who just want you to look their way so they can melt away in your eyes. We suggest that you quickly exit this page before you catch some speck of the Non-Scoring Virus (not that it could really affect you anyway).
1-20 Points: Ok, not bad. You've been turned down a few times, probably due to that baby picture you took to show and tell several years ago that everyone laughed at. Other than that, you are a virtual magnet for the opposite sex. We're surprised you can even see the computer screen what with all the people worshipping you. Don't let it all go to your head however, because that baby picture is still out there.
21-40 Points: Don't panic, at least not yet. If you scored on the high end of this range, you might be in some trouble. We would guess that you practice your dancing moves in front of a large mirror so you can see if you have a dorky dance. Let us tell ya, by even thinking of doing this, we already know your dance is dorky. But hey, at least you're trying, no matter how pathetic an attempt it may be.
41-60 Points: Ouch. You're in a tough spot here. You could go either way, so it's important to get off of your butt and start doing something cool before it's too late. So go get yourself a boyfriend/girlfriend, a new haircut, and a new life (if possible), and please, stay away from that damn Hanson CD, 'cuz playing it will mean it's all downhill from here.
61-80 Points: If this is your actual score, you are in big trouble. You need counseling! You need a certified Non-Scoring doctor to remove every Non-Scoring bone in your body quick! Don't wait! By not acting now, you are seriously jeopardizing any chance you have of scoring in the future. Not only that, but if you don't act now, and you by chance get someone drunk enough to score with and have children, they will inherit your Non-Scoring genes, and your family will be cursed! If you're too lazy, and don't get something done, don't come crying to us, 'cuz we did try to warn you.
81-99 Points: You are either a complete psycho, a complete moron, a complete loser, or a combination of the three. We're hoping you had trouble with the adding, and that is why you think you have a score this high. Then again, if you can't handle this kind of math, it leaves very little wonder as to why you scored this high. We would guess that you live in darkness, probably to spare the poor flowers surrounding your house that wilt in your presence. There's no escape for you now, unless you find a stuffed animal that will take enough pity on you to let you call it your friend. But don't bet on it.
100 Points: We've got to hand it to you. If this is your real score, you're an even bigger loser than us, and that's hard to pull off! Knowing you, you're proud of your Non-Scoring ability, and you probably hold seminars to teach others how to do it; although no one shows up. We understand that good 'ol "Lefty" is your only friend, so we'll leave you two alone. We'd hate to interupt you two during an intimate session.
100+ Points: Ok, dumbass, time to check the batteries in your calculator. Good luck getting a JOB, let alone a BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. It's not even possible to get a score above 100, and if you can't handle this kind of math, you are automatically awarded 100 points, and do not collect $200 upon passing GO.
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