Learning to trust...again

If you were to ask what is important in any relationship, the most common answer would be trust. Regardless of the type of the relationship, friends, lovers, or even a working one, the issue of trust has a huge impact and carries great risk. It is said that trust takes a lifetime to build and only a suspicion to destroy. But we, humans, are fallible and make mistakes. A misunderstanding, error in judgment or choice can be detrimental to a relationship, causing breakdowns in communication, resentment, anger, and eventually a break up. The questions are: Can you trust again? Can you be trusted?

Well, what is this thing we call trust anyways? Trust is not forgiveness because it is one sided. You can forgive someone for the wrong done whether they see it or not. Forgiving does not mean automatic trust, which is earned as steps are taken to rebuild it. Trust on the other hand is two-sided and demands cooperation of both parties. To trust someone, you need some evidence that they’re trustworthy. The wrongdoer, must demonstrate a change that addresses the previous issue, showing that they’ve changed their ways. It also means you need to open up and allow that person to demonstrate that virtue. Each event and each action is an opportunity to do just that.

Trust is confidence in the other person allowing us to become vulnerable and open. All of us have some kind of a shell around us that we open slowly and carefully to select few. But what if we’re being manipulated and lied to? Wham! The arrow strikes and we crawl back into that shell, shocked, hurt and offended. We take our time to slowly heal the wound, tending to it carefully and in time it does heal. But, every time we’re confronted with the person who did that to us, that dull ache surfaces. We become tense as the event is resurrected in our hearts and minds triggering the feelings from the past. And yet, even when we ache, there is a glimmer of hope. Trust is possible the second time around, but it requires patience and work, and may deliver an even stronger bond.

It’s never just one person that causes the breakdown in trust. It’s a combination of reasons and events that contribute to the falling out. But if what you had was good, isn’t that worth an honest try to rebuild what was lost? It takes work and dedication. But more importantly, it takes a leap of faith and honesty to openly talk about what happened, forgive for the wrong done, accept the mistakes made and the fact that we’re all human. Responsibility for mistakes on the part of the betrayer and the betrayed can play a huge role in rebuilding of trust. The process involves several steps:

Recognizing the value of the relationship that existed and really wanting to rebuild it.
Openly discussing what happened which is a very difficult step as it requires you to open yourself up for hurt and humiliation.
Identify damage done on both sides and make apologies.
Follow through by doing what has been discussed and agreed on. And this is the area where many fail. Things are said but nothing is done.

But what if you were the betrayer? How do you gain trust of the person you betrayed? We’re all human which means we’re flawed and make mistakes. It’s part of our makeup and who we are. But it does not mean that we cannot learn and grow from each experience. If you’ve ever been betrayed, then you know of the hurt that ensues. Having said that, consider how your betrayal hurt others. But there are steps that can be taken in attempt to rebuild what was lost. Again, there are several steps involved

Recognizing the wrong done.
Responsibility for the wrong done.
Show of compassion and regret for the hurt caused.
Learning and changing self not to repeat that type of behavior.
Make up with the other person to seek out a connection.

It should be noted that while the list above is a good start for rebuilding trust, whether you were the wrongdoer or not, there are no guarantees. Trust is a two-way street and requires desire, work and patience. Allowing others into our lives, opening up and showing our vulnerabilities is not an easy task even under the best of circumstances, but not an impossible one either. It can be done. You must also be careful not to lock yourself up in a bubble of mistrust and hurt and shut out the world around you. As strange as it seems, it will not protect you but rather, make you a bigger target. Choose wisely and never be afraid to grow, to learn, apologize, and forgive. There is a great amount of freedom in that.