How many of us have heard that phrase? How many actually used it? Out of the persons in my life that were significant in some way, I have heard that phrase from 3 of them. Not so ironically, I no longer associate with them or have any ties to them. It took me a long time to get to this point, and even longer to understand the deeper meaning beneath those words and their effects. I would like to abstain from using terms like “abuse” or “abuser” here because the subject is manipulation and does not necessarily constitutes abuse per se. None of us are invincible to being manipulated. It should be noted that manipulation is not the same thing as influence. The primary difference between both terms is that influence is often used to serve the needs of the one being influenced, as in teaching or parenting. In the case of manipulation, the only benefactor is the manipulator. Influence can bee seen in our classrooms in a student teacher relationship. We can also see influence when we’re being mentored. Parents exert their influence when raising their children. Persons that influence those in their charge, keep an open mind, ear, and eye to see if their actions are inflicting undue stress. They genuinely care that the recipients are comfortable and ensure that they are not being harmed. Influence is granted and received on basis of mutual and self-respect. Generally, the term manipulation is used in a negative sense. It is very difficult, and rare, to use that term to convey a positive message. The act of manipulation, by definition, involves use of cruel and unusual punishment, degrading, deceiving, pushing of buttons we all wear on our sleeve, and exploiting targets for self-serving purposes. It’s all about getting what you want at someone else’s expense. Manipulators don’t care about others or how their games hurt people. The focus of their actions is to serve self only, to gain at any cost. They do not care about the damage they inflict, and what’s even more harrowing, at times they are not even aware of the damage for it’s overshadowed by their own gain. Manipulation lacks empathy, does not allow room to grow or learn. Now, why did I even decide to write this up? Well, one day I was strolling through Chapters book store. I was looking for one book in particular, but couldn’t find it. I am terrible in bookstore because it seems that I could never walk away without buying one. This visit was no exception. I stood near a sales rack when my eye caught the title “Who’s pulling your strings?” Hmmm…well, my curiosity string got pulled…right to the cash register with book at hand. It took me a while to get to it, seems that I had to read all the not so exciting stuff first having to do with work and school. Readhing psych books is a hobby that had to wait. And then I opened it…and haven’t been able to put it down. What got my mind in a whirl as I read the pages was a section where the author talks about worldview from the manipulators perspective. It was an eye opener. However, there was no hostility (well, maybe a tiny bit), but what it evoked in me, was compassion. Compassion that some people befriend those manipulating tactics by hiding their own shortcomings and insecurities to get what they desire. But, there was an explanation to that behavior that literally sent shivers down my spine. “Why do manipulators do what they do…the reason is not any more complicated then this: Manipulators do not want to have to work at manipulating. It comes easily and naturally to them. They do it because it is easy – because you make it easy…Remember, manipulators do not want to break a sweat; they always seek the path of least resistance” There was a parallel drawn between water and how it will always flow down through any and all crevices, where there is least resistance. That is the path that manipulators take. Have you ever been told that you’re difficult and too complex? Have you ever been told that being with you is work, hard work? Have you ever been told that the relationship that you’re in has to be easy, or not at all? I have. And when I read those passages, it was as if I was reading my own past. But there is more. Further reading gave me insight into that something that I, like many other marks, have tried to figure out for a long time. “Why?” is a luxury question with those types. You may ask it as many times as you want, you will never get a straight answer. The subject will take a turn to something else, or you will evoke the wrath of the manipulator, accompanied by labels of being a bad person for even having the audacity to question them or their motives. And you’ll find yourself hearing: “I only do this because I care”, “It’s for your own good”, “I do this because I feel a sense of obligation for you”, and so on. Fact of the matter is that manipulators do not care
about their marks; the focus is their own gain, their win, at any cost.
Their main goal and purpose is to serve themselves.
And that trait does not allow room for empathy or true caring.
And while you cannot change a manipulator (and don’t even try!)
you can change your own behavior by denying rewards through compliance for
their manipulative actions. Pay
close attention to what they do, not what they say, because it is through
their actions that you will see their aim.
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