About Me
I don't remember much about my early childhood. My parents left
me in the wilderness to die when I was only two years old. Fortunately
I was found and raised by a pack of wild rabbits who accepted me into their
society. I lived with the rabbits until the age of ten when I was
discovered by an archeologist named Edmund Van Goldfarb who took me in
as his son. The rest of my childhood was fairly uneventful.
When I was 19 I left for college where I met and fell in love with a professional
tennis player named Velma. She and I dated for several years before
joining each other in marriage. Three months after the wedding Velma
decided to leave me for her doubles partner Samantha. After the break
up I decided to focus on my career. I enjoyed a short stint as a
reporter for a popular New York newspaper until I was fired for stabbing
my editor in the thigh with a pencil during an argument. Shortly
thereafter I got a lucrative job as the regional manager of Turn Me On
Software, a software company that specialized in interactive erotica.
I was doing quite well until the company was subject to a hostile takeover
by a group of German businessmen. They laid off me and 127 other
employees in an attempt to slash the budget. My only consolation
was the comfort of watching the company go under only four months later.
I then went through a series of short-lived jobs: exterminator, pizza delivery
man, insurance claims investigator, voice-over actor, disk jockey.
None made me satisfied. To fill the void in my personal and professional
life I turned to drugs. Amphetamines, barbiturates, hallucinogens,
I didn't care what I was taking as long as it inebriated me enough to distract
me from the tedium that had become my everyday life. My drug habit
quickly became expensive and without steady employment I soon found myself
pawning what few possessions I had. Eventually I became so desperate
for money I began selling my body to overweight women in a small town outside
of Mexico City. For the next year I lived in a barn owned by a man
named Pedro and lived off of chicken feed. When Pedro discovered
I had been living in his barn he punctured my scrotum with a pitchfork
and set my hair on fire. That is when I decided to turn my life around.
I wrote a novel under the pseudonym Gregory E. Pimento which became a bestseller
and earned me enough money to move back into my old apartment. In
the years to follow I wrote 3 other novels, each based on the acid hallucinations
I would occasionally have. I became a celebrity in my own right and
enjoyed my success until my mental breakdown several years later.
Years of drug abuse had turned my brain into a diseased wasteland and I
finally snapped one afternoon while eating Frosted Flakes and watching
a rerun of Charles in Charge. I became irrational, paranoid,
and self-destructive. I wouldn't leave my bathroom for weeks at a
time, I would run through busy streets with my pants off, I begun to believe
that chestnuts were plotting to kill me. It was the type of reckless
abandon that can only be properly appreciated by the truly mad. I
was soon arrested for breaking into a zoo and trying to persuade the lemurs
to revolt against their captors. I was admitted into a mental institute.
The next couple of years are a blur. I remember a few things.
Stabbing a doctor with a plastic fork, inciting a riot, the "pudding incident".
Eventually I was declared competent and re-entered into society where I
am now a model citizen.
Of course, all of the above is complete BS but it's a lot more interesting than my actual story, which is that I'm a 19 year old college student from Canada.
About This Site
This site is a place where I can share all the little things that amuse
me. There's not really anything specific I'm going to put on here.
I might post some things I've written, stories about the stupid things
my friends and I do for fun, weird little drawings, anything really.
I'll try to update it as often as possible but I'm not promising anything
because I'm a very lazy person. If anyone asks any questions about
this site I'll start a frequently asked questions section but until then
this will have to do.
