Question 1:  What you can do about defiance?

Question 2: What you can do for tantrum?

Question 3:  How do I stop my preschooler from playing with his food?

Question 4:  How do I teach my preschooler not to interrupt me while I'm on the 

       phone?

Question 5: My child yells, "I hate you!" when she's upset with me How should I 

      respond?

Question 6: How can I teach my preschooler to stop hitting his playmates and 

      grabbing their toys?

Question 7: Try to discipline my preschooler, but he doesn't seem to care. What 

       should I do?

Question 8:  My daughters, who are only a year apart, quarrel constantly what 

      can I do?

Question 9: Why does my preschooler ignore me when I tell him "no"?

Question 10: What can I do about my preschooler's public tantrums?

Question 11: What should I do when my preschooler refuses to get dressed in  

    the morning?

Q1- What you can do about defiance:

A-

v    Be understanding

v    Set limits.

v    Reinforce good behavior.

v    Use time-out — positively.

v    Respect her age and stage.

Q2- My child throws a tantrum every time I put her in her car seat. Should I force her in or wait around and hope she'll comply?

A-

That depends. Does waiting lead to your child complying? If so, then by all means do it. Making you wait is probably just her way of asserting herself and telling you that she wants to get in the seat herself, rather than having you put her in.

Q3- How do I stop my preschooler from playing with his food?

A-

You may be tempted to scold him for playing at the table, try not to. Instead, sit down together to eat, enjoy your dinner, and assume he'll follow your lead. Focus conversation on the day's activities, not what's on the table. When he starts making forts with his mashed potatoes or castles with his carrots, casually say, "Oh, I see you're finished eating," and take his plate away (or ask him to clear his place himself). Then gently but firmly remind your preschooler that food is for eating, not playing with.

Q4-How do I teach my preschooler not to interrupt me while I'm on the phone?

A-

It's an old story (or at least a common complaint) — the minute you pick up the telephone, your preschooler magically appears by your side in dire need of your time and attention. Although ideally he could learn the fine art of leaving you alone when you're on the phone, in reality the accommodation will have to come from you. Besides, who can blame him? Preschoolers hate it when their parents are preoccupied with something other than them. It's an unwelcome reminder that they're not always the center of your world, and a shock for someone who's used to having your undivided attention.

Particularly if you've been away from him all day, try to keep phone conversations to a minimum. Your preschooler's craving your attention and if you give it to the phone instead of him, he'll feel he's not as important to you as the person on the other end of the line. Emergencies aside, now isn't the time to become engrossed in a 30-minute breakdown of your sister-in-law's vacation. If you've been with your child all day and he isn't desperately craving your time, on the other hand, you should be able to chat for a while without upsetting him.

When the phone rings, give your preschooler something to occupy him, like blocks or a book, and tell him you're going to talk on the phone now, but will do something with him when you 're off. As you talk, keep an eye on your youngster. If he starts getting impatient or upset, tell the caller you'll get back to her after your little one's asleep, and hang up. If your preschooler starts fidgeting right away, break from your call to say, "I know you don't like it when Mommy's on the phone, but sometimes I have to talk to people for a little while. I'll be with you soon." This has the added benefit of letting the caller know you need to get off. Just be sure to keep your promise and give your child your undivided attention as soon as you're done. And don't feel bad about using your answering machine to screen calls — it's a parent's best friend.

Q5-My child yells, "I hate you!" when she's upset with me -- or sometimes just when she's upset around me. How should I respond?

A-

Though you may be tempted to, avoid responding to your child's "I hate you!" with "Well, I love you." This will only shame her. And saying, "You know you love Mommy," or "There's no reason to get so upset!" belittles her very real feelings.

Remember that your child is still learning to manage her emotions. She needs help expressing her feelings, and her way of asking for help is to play a kind of emotional charade game: She acts out her feelings, and it's up to you to figure out what she's getting at and how to help her. The best way to do this is to name and acknowledge her emotions without judging them. Help her voice her feelings in a more appropriate way: "When you feel this way, use your words to tell me, 'I feel angry. Please help.' " Finally, help your child see her options. "You could ask Mommy to dress the doll," you might suggest, or "We could put away the doll for a little while and read a book together." Giving choices is also helpful when your child lashes out because she can't have something she wants: "Cookies are for after lunch; you may have some grapes or a banana this morning."

Q6-How can I teach my preschooler to stop hitting his playmates and grabbing their toys?

A-

At this age, kids are just reaching the point where they can use words instead of actions to express their feelings. This makes it an excellent time to start teaching your preschooler how to say what he's feeling rather than showing it. Encourage him to say "That made me mad" when he feels like hitting. Also try these tips to make playtime safe and enjoyable for everyone:

Monitor him carefully. If your preschooler bites, hits, scratches, or yanks another child's hair, intervene immediately. Gently pull him away and tell him that what he did isn't okay. You may need to take him away from his friends for a few minutes to cool down. See whether his behavior follows a pattern; you may find that certain situations set him off. He may resort to hitting when a playmate refuses to give back his favorite toy train, for instance. To avoid this, put cherished playthings away and leave less beloved toys around for sharing.

Play games that encourage cooperation. Pretend games, such as playing house, help teach preschoolers to work cooperatively. Because these games emphasize role-playing, they also teach your preschooler to express his feelings with words. If he gets angry during the game, prompt him to talk about his feelings by asking, "You're the daddy in this house. What does a daddy say when he feels angry?" If he's had a good example to follow, he'll handle it just like his own daddy does: by saying he's angry and explaining why.

Find new friends. Consider the possibility that the playmates on the receiving end of your preschooler's aggression aren't right for him. If hitting and grabbing arise mostly in the company of the same one or two kids, perhaps it's time to help him find some new pals. The number of children playing together could also be causing the problem. Hitting could be your preschooler's way of making himself known to a pair of buddies who are ignoring him, for instance. Limiting the number of kids to two (who generally play together better than three do) may solve the problem, as will as adding a fourth child, which lets the children pair off.

Reward good behavior. Preschoolers thrive on praise, so make sure you dish it out when it's warranted. When your child shares his toys and plays cooperatively, say so. When he tells his friends that he's angry instead of lashing out at them, take him aside later and let him know how proud it made you. When it comes to curbing aggressive behavior, you'll probably find that praise is a lot more effective than punishment.

Help him understand his feelings. Though preschoolers are beginning to understand what emotions are, they often don't understand the differences between these feelings or know how best to express them. Fortunately, there are a lot of great books that encourage kids to recognize their emotions and talk about how they're feeling. Today I Feel Silly and Other Moods That Make My Day by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell and When Sophie Gets Angry — Really, Really Angry ... by Molly Bang are a couple to try. Helping your preschooler give his emotions a name will make him less likely to act out because of them.

Q7-Try to discipline my preschooler, but he doesn't seem to care. What should I do? Ages 3 to 4

A-

It sounds like your discipline strategy isn't working. Rather than trying to punish away misbehavior, think of discipline as a teaching tool. And keep in mind that there are two things your preschooler needs in order to learn what you want him to: Ability and motivation.

Say he refuses to come to you when you ask him to, and you give him a time-out. What has he learned? To come to you? To follow directions? In fact, he's probably learned neither. Instead of giving him a time-out, try approaching the situation as a teaching task you're going to teach your preschooler to come to you when you call. Start by explaining, "It's really important that you come when I call your name." When he does, give him a small reward. At this age, "attention rewards" are best, so play a game with him or read him a book. Explain that the reward won't be there every time, but that he'll need to come to you every time you ask to find out when it will be. This is a conditioning process that teaches him to respond to your directions. Don't forget to praise your child's behavior ("It's great that you come when I ask you to!") rather than him ("Good boy!"). Now he has both the ability and the motivation to follow your directions.

Teaching your preschooler self-discipline requires ability and motivation on your part too. It's a process that takes know-how, time, and energy but the payoff is well worth it.

Q8- My daughters, who are only a year apart, quarrel constantly. I try to be fair, but neither believes that I love her as much as the other and they’re both angry all the time. Help!

A-

Conventional wisdom would have us believe that two kids aren't that much more trouble than one. I wonder who came up with that idea? No single child can run you constantly ragged (after all, she has to sleep sometime!) but two children can and often do.

Respect each child's dignity. Loving each as an individual means that you should never make either one look or feel small to herself, to her sibling, or to outsiders. And, of course, never, ever compare them, much less hold one up as an example to the other. You may wish that this orange were sweeter, but you'd never wish it were more like an apple, would you?

Q9-Why does my preschooler ignore me when I tell him "no"?

A-

By age 3 or 4, most children have heard the word "no" so often that it may have become meaningless. That's not surprising: When parents and caregivers overuse a word especially coupled with undelivered threats of punishment children naturally begin to tune it out.

Look closely at how often you say no. Then try a different tack: Instead of yelling "No! Don't run!" the next time your preschooler takes off down the street, for instance, say "Please walk." Distract your child from trouble whenever possible, and provide a stimulating, childproofed environment that gives you plenty of opportunities to say yes. Choose your battles carefully, and focus on the transgressions that are truly worthy of reprimand such as snatching toys from a playmate or pinching his baby sister. When you do say no, make sure you mean it.

Q10-What can I do about my preschooler's public tantrums?

A-

Tantrums are often a fact of life when you live with a preschooler. Your best defense is a good offense  whenever possible, try to avoid situations that could provoke a tantrum. Yes, that's easier said than done, but these tips may help:

v    A tantrum is more likely when your child is tired or hungry, so try to save your grocery shopping and trips to the post office for when she's fed and rested — and always keep a snack handy.

v    • Frustration is also a big tantrum-trigger. If you know your preschooler is going to insist on visiting the pet store when you go to the mall, make sure you have time to do it, or think twice about the trip. This isn't really giving in to your child, it's just predicting how she's likely to react and thinking through the consequences and alternatives.

Of course, avoiding a tantrum isn't always possible. Once one starts, it's hard to reason with your child. If you find her public tantrum embarrassing, your best move is to leave. Becoming harsh or punitive won't help end the tantrum and will only get you more upset and angry. Remember: Your job is to remain as calm as possible. Leaving the situation helps everybody, even if it means you'll have to go back to the store later to finish your shopping. If you can't leave altogether, try to exit the immediate scene. Rather than letting her tantrum in the dentist's waiting room, for instance, at least go out into the hall or parking lot.

Once the tantrum subsides, your preschooler may need hugs and reassurance, since being that out of control can be scary for her. Hugs are fine, but don't change the rules after a tantrum. If you told her that it was time to leave the playground and she responded with a tantrum, it's still time to go when the tantrum is over. But once you know how strongly she feels, you can acknowledge those feelings and try to make leaving less painful by offering to read a favorite story when you get home.

Keep in mind that your child's tantrum is nobody's business but yours. Many kids this age still have tantrums, and some of them are bound to happen in public. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, only that you're the parent of a preschooler. People may be looking at you, but it's very possible that they're feeling sympathetic, not critical. Regardless of any looks you get, remember that your child doesn't understand your embarrassment. Public tantrums aren't meant to humiliate you, so treat your child the same as you would if the tantrum happened at home.

It may also help to know that the frequency of tantrums will start to wane as your child matures a bit. You may simply want to stick close to home — or be prepared to make a quick exit — until that happens.

Q11-What should I do when my preschooler refuses to get dressed in the morning?

A-

Take comfort in knowing that nearly all parents and preschoolers have this struggle at one time or another. Dressing is a good arena for your child to assert her independence, so don't let getting dressed become a battle between the two of you. Instead of letting her see that her behavior is ruffling your feathers, stay calm. Then give your preschooler no more than two choices: She can wear the polka-dot pants or her striped dress. Since many kids this age detest transitions, it also helps to address her reluctance to get changed or leave home. Say something like, "I know you don't want to take off your PJ's they're so comfy. Here, can you please hold your book while I help you put on your pants?" This way you've empathized with her and then used a fun distraction to get the job done.

Children this age don't respond well to being hurried, so if it's at all possible, try not to make mornings a big rush. Instead, wake her up half an hour earlier, or let her help you lay out her outfit the night before so there's less opportunity for dawdling and conflict in the morning. Preschoolers usually love going to school, so you might also try telling your child that if she doesn't get dressed soon, she's going to be late for school and then she'll miss free-play time.

It also doesn't hurt to let your preschooler be in charge of what she wears sometimes. If she wants to wear her ballet outfit every day for weeks, then let her. The outfit will probably fall apart from overuse and constant washing, but she'll outgrow it soon, anyway. A sense of humor helps in these situations. You may desperately want your child to look "put together," but if you step back and look at the big picture, it really doesn't matter if she's mismatched from head to toe. As long as she's adequately dressed for the weather (not covered in layers on a hot summer day or bare-legged in the winter), she'll be fine.