Surviving a Mass Zombie Apocalypse
A day will come when your zombie killing knowledge will come into play. That day could be tomorrow, next week, or 10 years from now
but one thing is clear... You will be ready to slap those zombies around like a British nanny at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
It is widely believed that zombie spreading viruses will some day become an epidemic, creating a massive brain hungry army of the undead.
I like to call this day "The Mass Zombie Apocalypse" or the "MZA". You'll be sleeping, bathing, reading, eating Doritos on your mom's couch, whatever your daily activities include, and... BAM!
The power goes out, and next thing you know it Lloyd Robertson is broadcasting on the emergency broadcast system saying that a starving group of zombies has begun to attack your city.
You will respond by saying: "Shit... That sucks." or "These Doritos don't taste very Ranchy to me..." For the love of god, get up and get a hold of yourself man!
Find some damn weapons and shut the hell up! Either you take this band of coagulating flesh by storm, or you sit back and let them eat your skin. It's that simple.
Read on for a few tips on how to survive a MZA.
1. Find Some "Buds"
First off, find some really annoying friends. Hang out with them just enough so they think that you actually enjoy their company,
when in reality you think they outdo The Dixie Chicks or Mormons in the irritating categorie. Yeah... That's right... I said that Mormons are irritating. So what? Wanna fight about it?
Anyway, after a long agonizing friendship, these halfwits will come in handy. You see, zombies become agitated by people with annoying: voices, faces, odours and even
just plain annoying behaviour. Annoying behaviour can include:
- Watching American Idol then chanting "RUBEN, RUBEN!"
- Saying: "Hot enough for you?" to someone that is clearly sweating and hot.
- Tapping
- Humming
- Eating Loudly
- Listening to: Ashanti, Ja Rule, horrible American Idol ballads from hell, That "Las Ketchup" song, Yoko Ono music, LFO,
O-Town, Menudo, Menudo, Menudo, Any music from 1924-1950.
- Breathing Loudly
- Sneezing really softly like some kind of rodent or something when clearly it is more satisfying to sneeze really loudly.
- Becoming a rapper and purposely mis-spelling your name (Ex. Mathematik, Ludacris, Weetahded Wrappur)
- Screaming children
- Adults that have screaming children
- Walking really slowly down a narrow hallway
- Standing in doorways
- Being a stupuid idiot (you know who you are)
So anyway, keep these morons (or mormons for that matter) close by in event of a mass zombie apocalypse. Zombies will much prefer to rid the world of
these extremely annoying burn victims. (Burn victim refers to the massively retarded and annoying) Also tell these idiots to wear bright annoying clothing like
Cher World Tour shirts and furry/puffy shirts to attract zombie attention.
2. Cemetary = Bad
Zombies are naturally necrophiliacs. Therefore, where is the best place to get a piece of rotting corpse ass? A freakin cemetary, that's where!
Zombies will congregate at cemetaries hornier than Richard Gear at a pet/pvc tubing store. (think about it). Not only do zombies get nasty
with dead bodies, but they also bring these unsuspecting carcasses back to life. And believe me, these long dead cadavars are gonna be pissed...
I mean, wouldn't you be?
You're peacefully chilling with Jimi Hendrix and George Burns in your afterlife when some moaning zombie that smells
like moth balls and piss starts defiling your spoiled and withered body. I can hear it now... In a partially formed zombie language of course... "What the hell? I'm pissed, I'm gonna go eat some damn people!" Chances are they will
start with you too... So stay away from the damn cemetaries. That is unless you are Justin Timberlake, Nelly, or Nick Carter. In that case, ignore everything I said, I was lying.
Cemetaries are awesome. There are no zombies of any sort there... Only nude homosexual men... You better go get them...
NOTE:
When I say "nude homosexual men" I actually mean Brain-hungry zombies bent on destroying the human race. (Justin Timberlake, Nelly, and Nick Carter can't see text written in red)
3. Stock up on Crap
When I say "crap" I am not actually referring to putrid excrement, I'm really talking about necessities to live on for a long time.
If you really don't want to "fight the zombies" you can "be a huge pussy" and simply lock yourself in a secure location until the zombie attack ceases.
But, come on... You really wanna go out and lop off zombie heads, burn zombies with flamethrowers, and trick zombies into drinking gasoline at the local Shell station. That would be much more fun.
In any case I feel that I, being the one and only zombie master, must give everyone a chance to live. So here is a list of crap to stock up on:
- Food
- Water
- Disposable enema kits (at least 45 of em)
- A copy of Michael Jackson's "Thriller", so you can pretend that you are hunting zombies. PUSSY!
- A bottle of Old Harper
- Helicopters
- Cure for zombieism (as of yet, still fictional)
- Reading Material (can be porn if you feel so inclined)
- Screaming children (use as bait)
- Muffles for Screaming children
- Garbage Bags (to throw away: garbage, dead bodies of screaming children etc.)
- Several copies of this article series
- Guns. Lots of guns.
- A steady supply of Mini Burgers from Burger King... What's that you say? They stopped selling those 5 years ago? DAMMIT! PIECE OF CRAP!
4. There's no Place Like Home. Except...
Most people react to a MZA by freaking out and boarding up all the windows in their house. BAD IDEA ASSHOLE! Houses are the first place Zombies search for people.
Plus, when you're at home, you have a lot of stupid neighbours around that could theoretically become infected and feast on your gooey insides.
Instead of staying in your house I recommend travelling to a police station for a couple days. Once mayhem and death has taken the city you can now proceed to
scour the area for a deserted mall (preferably with several floors). Once in the mall you have a supply of lots of "crap" as well as many ways of escape.
Before you are truly ready for a MZA you must watch "Dawn of the Dead" 15 times. No more, no less.
5. Stop Crying
There's no crying in zombie killing. Not only will crying hinder your ability to slay the undead, but it will also make you look like a total ass.
You must look cool while on the zombie hunt. I recommend a biker outfit or a SWAT Team suit complete with riot gear. To add to the coolness you have to say
really lame/cool lines as you kill the zombie. For example, while slicing a zombie in half with a gigantic sword, say: "He had to split." or "He had a split personality."
You may as well make the best out of your situation. It may be the dawn of the apocalypse and all human life may cease to exist in 48 hours but... STOP CRYING YOU STUPID BABY!
NOTE:
Exceptions may include: a zombie kicking you in the balls, committing adultery with your wife, or eating your favourite "Journey" CD collection. Then its OK to cry.
6. Denial
If a zombie attack turns for the worst and the zombies get the upper hand there is only one thing to do. You must go into denial. Live your life as you did
before the ghoulish fiends destroyed your city. LIVE DAMMIT! LIVE! Pretend there is nothing wrong. Play with the kids outside, have a barbecue, set up the old "Slip-'n'slide" or failing that a "Crocodile Mile",
go biking, take out the garbage etc. The zombies will naturally expect all that oppose them to be shitting their pants in fear. Clearly someone having a great time,
prancing through the sprinkler will severely damage their psyche.
The word will spread in the zombie community (in a clever series of moans and foot shuffles) that the humans are not afraid. Perhaps the zombies will give up and go back to where they came from... Seattle.
7. Get the Last Laugh
So, the unstoppable moving mass of zombies has taken over the entire world... What the hell do you do now? NO! You don't start crying and praying and stuff! Make your way to the nearest
nuclear power station. Once there, start messing with stuff that looks important such as control panels and water-cooled and graphite-moderated temperature reactors. With any luck you will create a huge meltdown which will create a blast that will take out 800 square kilometres and a bunch of zombies.
Those stupid zombies won't get the satisfaction (or sustinance) from eating you. Of course, you will be dead... But hey, look at the bright side: You took out millions of zombies and more importantly, you made
Zombie Master Mark Proud.
Well, I think this is it. I really don't have much more zombie wisdom to share with you. Make Mark proud and use this knowledge to take out as many of those
drooling bastards as possible. And for the love of god... STOP CRYING!
Mark (aka Tugnutts aka Zombie Master)
June 23, 2003
