Note: Try this at your own risk! This article is not written by Mark Leclair or Adam Lichty and has no connection to Tugnutts Domain except for the fact that it is really funny.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands butter-side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is
strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped,
the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the
ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis
of a high-speed monorail system.
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the
buttered toast case, its the butter that causes the toast to land butter
side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with
Jacob's Cream Crackers. So to save money, I think you just miss out the
toast - and butter the cats.
Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cats and butter,
there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Consider that the probability of carpet impact is determined by the
following simple formula: P=3D S * t(t)/tc where P is the probability of
carpet impact, D represents the depth of the carpet, and S is the stain
value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of
the topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for
example, has a very high S value, while the S value of water is Zero. tc and
t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping respectively - The value of
P being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the
carpet and topping, even as Chicken Tikka Masala won't cause a permanent and
obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is clear that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use
Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact, this combination gives a
P value of One, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its
feet.
Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala plastered on its back will be
certain to hover in mid air. Contrastingly, there could be problems with
buttered toast, as the toast may fall off the car, causing a terrible
monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family
visiting accident victims in the hospital, and politicians saying it
wouldn't have happened if their party was in power, as there would have been
more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public
sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala, floating above a
rail made from white wool shag pile carpet.
Back to Top
