Mark's Guide To Extreme Boredom
"Holy crap... I'm bored!" Have you ever said this to yourself? Have you ever found yourself watching re-runs of "Empty Nest" or "Head of the Class" on a Sunday afternoon? Have you ever actually decided to play Backgammon? Do you know the rules of Backgammon? Have you ever watched the RonCo. Food Dehydrater or Rotisserie Grill infomercial? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are, you have once been bored. I have come to give you some things to do at such times. Some of them are fun, some are retarded, and some just hurt. So read on and try some of these.
Pour water in hand, make
sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person,
act like your not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on
how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one. Also, be prepared to run.
Push on your eyelids
This seems to make you see a load of weird colours and flashes. It seems fun to me. Oh ya, it kinda hurts after a while.
Egg Someone's house
This one is a classic. Also, try to vary the attack method. Try a driveby egging if you have a car or pretend you are some type of covert operative or something. Switching up the projectile may add lots of replay value to this one. Try: meat, oranges, tomatoes, or cupcakes.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
Apparently this one actually works sometimes. Note: Make sure you are actually looking at the back of someone's head. Common mistakes include: staring at someone's face, a dog's head, and their breasts.
Injure yourself
There is something fun in inflicting pain on yourself sometimes. Try pinching yourself or punching yourself in the face. If at first you are nervous about the prospect of actually punching yourself in the face remember: You are really bored. You probably won't look worse than you do now afterwards anyway. I mean come on. Its fun!
Try not to think about polar bears
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Watch "Empty Nest" or "Head of the Class"
Aw, come one. You can't not watch these classics. Also try: Perfect Strangers, My Secret Identity, or Family Matters.
Have a "who is less competitive" competition
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to win makes you lose which makes you win. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Put stuff in people's ears
This is highly effective when people are sleeping. Try: Hair, a marker, a carrot or anything slimy. If it is possible to find two people sleeping (simaltaneously, in the same location) try to put one person's finger in the other's ear. An amusing fight will soon ensue. Fun for all.
Bathe your cat in your toilet
Refer to "How to Bathe a Cat in a Toilet" in the Features section.
Think of the most obscure quote from The Ninja Turtles Movie
This is quite fun when with other bored people. Here is a sample: "Domehead!" (Casey Jones to Donatello)
Try to remember the lyrics to Just Like Heaven
This song rules. Try it. I recommend the Dinosaur Jr. or Goldfinger version.
Drive around and yell at people
This is increadibly fun and most the time the people don't chase after your car. If they do...... Uhhhh... Throw something at them. It seems like a can of Coke would work nicely.
Ask a bum for some money
This will result in a very confused bum. Thats always a funny thing to see.
Fart in the suits at Moores
Self explanitory.
Pretend You are in "Back to The Future"
"Its the Libians!" or "Die Bastards!" or "Get your god damn hands off of her..." Thats good stuff.
Make lists of thing to do when you are bored
This is actually kinda fun. Ah, screw it! I'm going to go get some Oreos....
Mark (aka Tugnutts)
March 4, 2002
