TIME OUT 
Our society has, in the past several years, said that "time out" is how one deals with inappropriate behaviour.  The experts have said that Time Out is an appropriate consequence and teaches children how to think about what they did wrong.  It has been said  that Time Out should be a boring time away from others so they are not rewarded for their mis-behaviours.  

My view on Time Out is different.  Time Out is a time to gain self-control.  It is a time to calm down so we can handle the situation rationally.  (Notice that I said WE.  Time Out is a tool that we should all use. Not only because we are role-models but also because it is a wonderful tool. And it is also about US doing it together -- not leaving the child to figure it out on their own)

Scenario:
Sally is playing with a truck.  Johnny comes along and takes the truck away from Sally. Sally bites Johnny.  Johnny screams; you run in. You are embarrassed that Sally has injured Johnny; you are disappointed in Sally.  You are frustrated because this is the third time today that she has bit Johnny. You are afraid of what Johnny's parents are going to say!

What do you do?
First of all, you have to deal with the emotions you are feeling! If you react to the situation without thinking you might act out of anger. You need a Time Out.  All that takes is an acknowledgement of the feelings. "I am embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, afraid. I can deal with those later.  Right now I need to help Johnny and Sally with their feelings."

Now you can act, rather than react.  Being in control means you can now clearly assess the situation and make a plan of action.  

• does Johnny need medical attention?

• do the children need Time Out to calm down?

• what skills do they need help with?

• how are you going to guide them?

If you have two "screaming" children, you need to help them gain control.  
     "We are all very upset.  Let's calm down and then we can deal with this together."
     "Let's sit on the couch and snuggle until everyone is ok." 
Imagine that you are angry with your spouse and are yelling at her/him.  How would you feel if she/he sent you to your room to calm down?  How would you feel if she/he told you to stay there for 20 minutes?  How would you feel if she/he said "and you think about what you have done"?  
I would imagine you would feel worse and even more angry at your spouse than you were initially.  Your already-out-of-control feeling has now been added to!  What you needed was a moment to gain your composure so you could discuss the issue rationally with her/him.  The same with children.  The only difference being that they don't know how to do this (depending on their age).

Imagine the same children at age 16.  Sally is angry at Johnny.  What does she do? Scream at him? Push him?  Hopefully, she can tell him why she is upset.  She can take a minute to think about what she wants to say to him before she speaks. The lessons and practice she gets when she is little helps her deal with the situations when she is older.  

What if Time Out had been used as a punishment? What does punishment teach?

• Don't get caught. 

• I am bad

• I have to handle this by myself

• Maybe hitting was wrong, but what about kicking?

• I need to rely on someone else to control me when I am upset

• I am not worthy of respect

If we want to do the best for our children, we need to think about all the effects of our actions.  Yes, some methods might be good enough, but is your goal to guide your child towards a "good enough 16 year old" or towards an "exceptional 16 year old"?  If you aim for the stars you will probably at least reach the clouds.  If you only reach for the top of the trees, you might only reach the lower branch.                              

        Other Sites

Today's Child: Spanking
FAQ: Discipline, Spanking, Time Outs
Using Effective Time-Outs

copyright, 1999: Debbie Roswell