Hard Choices: Personal Story

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Personal Story: Hard Choices

My daughter was probably 15 years old at this time, maybe a little younger.
It was a Friday night and she was coaching figure skating, but had the chance to go to the school dance with friends (a last minute decision to be made). What to do, what to do? This isn't word for word, of course, since it was many years ago, but the general flow is right:

Daughter: can I go to the dance?
Me: what do you want to do?
Daughter: go to the dance
Me: what are you supposed to be doing?
Daughter: coaching
Me: is anyone counting on you?
Daughter: yes, the club, and the kids... but, I really want to go to the dance
Me: what can you do about the coaching?
Daughter:: find a replacement, but everyone is going to the dance
Me: sounds like the club is really needing you
Daughter: Yes they are
Me: can they manage without you?
Daughter: probably but there's no one here to help out
Me: How would you feel if you went to the dance?
Daughter: bad
Me: will there be other dances?
Daughter: Yes, but ..
Me: do you know when they are, so you can plan ahead?
Daughter: This one is the only one during skating
Me: what are you going to do?
Daughter: I need to stay and coach... how come I am always the responsible one and my friends are going to the dance?
Me: it is hard making good decisions, and being responsible. But how will you feel about yourself in the morning?
Daughter: I know I know.. but it still doesn't seem fair.
Me: I know... Maybe you can do something fun tomorrow instead with your friends.

A very tough choice for my daughter... and so easy it would have been for me to say: You have to coach, now get out there... but oh, how so much better it was to walk her through making the decision.
How would I have handled it if she had chosen the dance? Well I would have continued with the questioning, first of all, trying to get her to see the consequences of her actions (would the club trust her in the future etc) and then her decision would have been hers to make. If I had let her think it was her decision to make and then made her do it my way in the end, would she have lost faith in me? Would she have let me problem-solve with her in the future?
I tried to know when it was best for me to make a choice for my kids, and when it was ok for them to make the choice and work with the consequences. I'm sure I could have made better choices at times, but overall I think I did a good job -- they have turned out great, and are independent, responsible, fun-loving young adults!

...and why did she make such a good choice? Was it just because she is a good kid? Or is it partly because of the training in decision-making she had received continually over those 15 years?
...and why did she listen to me? respect my input? Was it again just because she is a good kid? Or did I earn that respect, that trust, over the years?
...and how can two different children in the same family, with the same upbringing turn out completely different? Because we all have different motivational needs, different ways of thinking, perceiving things, and different experiences. When we, as adults, try to guide two different children, in the same way, we might 'click' with the one, and totally confuse and/or push away the other. We have to adjust our styles to meet their needs. That is the basis of respect.

This page is a personal story of how I guided self-discipline in my family.
It is not here to tell you what to do but to demonstrate how effective self-discipline guidance can be.
Debbie Roswell c 2000