Things I've Learned From Watching the X-Files

• The Truth Is Out There
• You're not FBI agents, just door to door salesmen.
• Never take family vacations in Tunguska.
• Forget the Porsche, get the Taurus.
• Calling your S.O. by their last name is a term of endearment.
• If a friend or family member's name is Bill Patterson, RUN!
• Take German in college. It could save your life.
• Trust No One. Especially your boss.
• Bald guys are evil.
• Even more evil if they wear glasses and are named Skinner.
• Put a lock on your toilet.
• People in trenchsoats probably have guns.
• However paranoid you are, you're just not paranoid enough.
• Avoid Port-a-potties at all costs.
• Everything Dies.
• Except Scully.
• If you see an exact look-alike of you sister downtown, don't worry it's just her clone.
• Never drop your gun.
• Avoid playing Stratego on November 27th with your sister.
• Or do, she might get abducted.
• Amor Fati.
• Smart is Sexy.
• Try inserting the CD 'Twilight Time' into your CD player and see what happens.
• Run every piece of metal you find over the scanner at your local supermarket, just to see what happens.

• On the other hand. don't.
• Deceive, Inveigle, Obfuscate.
• Yes, that man with the gun wtill shoot you.
• Learn Russian. It too could save your life.
• Bambi is evil. And I'm not talking about the deer.
• Be afraid of the dark.
• No arm, no test.
• The phrase, 'bite me' has a whole new meaning.
• Deny Everything.
• Never have Dr. Tooms for liver surgery.
• Always get it off your fingers quickly without betraying your cool exterior.
• Always dread Monday, and try not going to the bank on that day either.
• In The Big Inning- people were screaming for non-fat tutti frutti rice dreamcicles!
• If your wake up with a dead prositute in bed with you and can't remember anything, you're in BIG trouble.
• Some mutants are evil, some are nice, some love their boys, and some like Cher- a lot.
• Keep your dog on a leash at all costs.
• Believe the Lie.
• All Lies Lead To The Truth.
• Don't get too attached to blonds. Terrible, awful things always happen to them.
• If you're blonde, dye your hair.
• Believe To Understand.
• Apoligy Is Policy.
• The End.