AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY SPRINGER: Hey you guys, and welcome to our show. Today's topic, I'm afraid, is a very serious one.
AUDIENCE: Booooo!
A few people start to leave
JERRY: Wait, don't leave! It's serious, but it's still sleazy!
AUDIENCE: Yeeeeea!!!
JERRY: Oh God, is our country in a shabby state. Anyway, today's topic is "You're Sneaking Around Behind My Back!"
AUDIENCE: Oooooooh.
JERRY: And today, we have some very special guests. The music group, Orgy!
AUDIENCE: Yeeeeea!
JERRY: Let's welcome them, shall we! First out is the attractive lead singer of Orgy, Mr. Jay Gordon.
Jay walks out to thunderous applause and screaming from the ladies. He sits prettily in a chair and crosses his legs.
JERRY: Hello Mr. Gordon. Why are you wearing those huge sunglasses inside?
JAY: Because I'm on the "Springer" show, and somebody might turn on the TV and recognize me. I'll be mortified!
JERRY: Uhhh, but your name is posted on the bottom of the screen. People will know who you are, anyway.
JAY: Oh. Oh yeah!
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: We want to see your eyes!!!
JERRY: You heard the woman, Jay. Take off those sunglasses.
Jay removes the glasses, and the women scream in approval
JERRY: Next is Orgy's guitar player, Ryan.
Ryan walks out completely naked. The men and a few woman shield their eyes, but most of the ladies are voicing their approval
RYAN: Dude, I feel free!
JERRY: Where the hell are your clothes?
RYAN: I was told not to wear any.
JERRY: By who?
RYAN: Jay told me! He said today's topic was "Naked and Proud!"
Jay sits next to Ryan, laughing hysterically
JERRY: I think you were misinformed, but because this is sleaze TV, we'll accept it.
JAY (to Ryan): You dumbass!
JERRY: And out next is the other guitar player, Amir!
Amir walks out and runs to his seat, where he slouches down
JERRY: Hi Amir.
AMIR: This is (bleep) embarrassing! Why the (bleep) am I here on the (bleep) "Oprah" show, anyway?
JERRY: I'm not Oprah, Amir, I'm Jerry Springer. And you're here with your band.
AMIR: Why did Rough Cutt bring me here?
JERRY: Rough Cutt?
RYAN (to Amir): Dude, you're not in Rough Cutt anymore, remember?
AMIR: Who the hell are you?
JERRY: Ummm, let's please bring out the bass player, Paige Haley!
Paige runs out and jumps on top of Ryan, beating him senseless. The bald security guards rush the stage to break them apart
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
The two are broken up and are placed on opposite ends of the stage
RYAN: What the hell was that for?!
PAIGE: It's Jerry Springer, there had to be some violence! I chose you. Jay and Amir are just too pretty to attack.
JAY: He's right, Ryan.
RYAN (to Paige): I know where you live!
PAIGE: Of course you do, we live on the same bus.
RYAN: Oh yeah!
JERRY: I can feel the ratings dropping, so let's bring out Bobby!
Bobby walks out to silence. The sound of crickets chirping fills the air.
BOBBY: Dammit, I'm Bobby!
Silence
BOBBY: Bobby Hewitt.
Silence
BOBBY: The drummer.
AUDIENCE: Oh yeah!
JAY: Bobby, you're not wearing any lipstick.
BOBBY: I hate lipstick.
JAY: I told you that we were all supposed to wear pink lipstick. Why do you defy me?!
BOBBY: Because I'm a man, and I want to look like one. That's why everything in my wardrobe is made by Adidas.
WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhh.
JERRY: So, back to the original topic, "You're Sneaking Around Behind My Back!"
JAY: Who brought us on here? I need to know so I can smother him while he's sleeping.
JERRY: It was Paige Haley.
AUDIENCE: Gasp!
PAIGE: That's right, it was me! Yeehaw!
RYAN (whining): I'm cooooooooold!
JERRY: Then you should have worn clothes.
RYAN: Can somebody lend me some?
JERRY: No! Your nudity is the only thing keeping this episode going.
RYAN: Really? Dude! Does everybody want to see my butt?
AUDIENCE: NO!
JERRY: So Paige, why did you bring your band on the show?
PAIGE: I'll tell you why, Jerry! Jay Gordon has been stealing my foundation!
AUDIENCE: Gasp!
JAY: That's a lie!
PAIGE: It is not! You've been using it to cover up your acne medication!
JAY (blushing): Liar. I Don't use acne medication.
JERRY: Does the audience have any questions?
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes, I was wondering if it's true that Jay Gordon has acne?
JAY: No! I'm still the same physically flawless man I always was!
JERRY: Would you be willing to take a test to prove it?
JAY (nervously): What kind of test?
JERRY: We send you backstage, wash your face off with soap, and bring you back out freshly scrubbed.
JAY: Have you gone mad?! Jay Gordon is never seen without make-up!
AUDIENCE: Oooooooh.
JERRY: I think we have a guilty person here.
JAY: Oh yeah?! Well, Paige Haley farts!
PAIGE: I do not!
JAY: Yes you do! And I wish you'd stop doing it, too. I have sensitive lungs.
PAIGE: He's lying!
JERRY: Ryan, why are you rolling around on the floor laughing?
RYAN (teary-eyed): Because Jay said "fart." Ha hahahahaha!
JERRY: Please, get your nude body back in your chair, sit down, and please cross your legs.
PAIGE: Can we get back to the subject of me?
JERRY: I suppose.
PAIGE: Where were we? Oh yeah, I don't fart!
BOBBY: Everybody farts, Paige. It's a human reflex.
PAIGE: Oh yeah? You sing Backstreet Boys songs in your sleep!
AUDIENCE: Gasp!
BOBBY: I do not!
PAIGE: You do, too!
BOBBY: Don't make me come over there and....
PAIGE: And what?
BOBBY: Kick your farty ass!
PAIGE: Come over here and try it, drummer boy!
BOBBY: Dammit, my name is Bobby!
AMIR: Where am I?
JERRY: Hello Amir.
AMIR: Who are you?
JERRY: I'm Jerry Springer. We spoke two minutes ago.
AMIR: Have I been here that long?
JERRY: I have a feeling we'll be bringing you back for another show.
RYAN: Dude! Can I come, too?
JERRY: Please don't speak, Ryan.
RYAN: Damn.
JERRY: Weren't two of you ready to fight?
BOBBY: No, I don't believe in physical violence. I'm too nice.
AUDIENCE: Boooooo!
JERRY: I think we just lost half of our viewing audience with that comment.
JAY: Can everybody pay attention to me again?
JERRY: Sure Jay, the audience just loves you.
The women in the audience scream
JAY: I just want to know if the audience has any questions for me?
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey Jay, I'm Lurlene from the Sunny Grove Trailer Park in Texas. I was just wondering what your plans are for the future?
JAY: Whatever. I choose not to answer that. Next!
ANOTHER FEMALE: Oh my God, Jay, I love you so much! Do you like baked beans?
JAY: That's a personal question, and I don't appreciate you trying to pry into my personal life. Next!
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: I just want to say that you look like a real pansy up there in that make-up!
JAY: Wait a minute....
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: You'd probably get beaten up by my 5-year-old daughter, you sissy!
JAY: I think we're related. Aren't you the cousin I used to beat up? Yeah, I used to shove peanuts up your nose!
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER (sadly): Yes. I think I'll go sit down now.
JERRY: OK, now that half of our audience is asleep, do you guys have anything more to say? Preferably something controversial.
RYAN: Dude, I have something!
JERRY: What?
RYAN: This seat is, like, really comfortable! It feels really good against my bare butt!
'
JERRY: Please take it with you.
RYAN: Dude, really?! Thanks!
JERRY: It's cheaper than having to have it sterilized.
AMIR: Hey, why isn't that guy wearing any clothes?
JAY: Because he's a dumbass, Amir. He fell for my dirty trick!
AMIR: Why am I wearing clothes?
JERRY: I don't know, but thank you.
As the audience watches in horror, Amir stands up and removes all of his clothes, then sits back down in the buff
AMIR: You're right, this seat is comfortable against the bare ass.
RYAN: Dude, I told you so!
AMIR: Who are you?
PAIGE: I want to try it!
Paige is the next to strip down
PAIGE: Yeehaw, these seats sure do rub my butt the right way!
JERRY: Oh my God, I think it's time for a commercial break.
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: I have something to say!
JERRY: Yes?
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: We want Jay to get naked now!
The women scream in agreement
JAY: No.
AUDIENCE: Boooo!
BOBBY: Does anybody want me to get naked?
Silence
BOBBY: Anybody?
Crickets chirping
JERRY: Sure, if you'd like. What was your name again?
BOBBY: Arrgggg!
Bobby rushes into the audience and pulls Jerry on to the stage, where he proceeds to beat the crap out of him
AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Security, aren't you going to do something?!
BIG BALD SECURITY GUY: No. We've been waiting for somebody to do this for years.
BOBBY: Say my name, Springer!
JERRY: Ummm, Ryan?!
RYAN: No dude, that's me, the first naked guy!
JAY: I could really use a drink.
PAIGE: Yeehaw, let's throw chairs!
Paige, Amir and Ryan begin throwing chairs at the audience while Bobby continues his violent outburst. Jay takes control of the situation....he grabs a microphone and begins to work the audience.
JAY: Any questions for me?
WOMAN: Are you human?
JAY: I decline that question for personal reasons.
Jerry has managed to stumble away from Bobby's headlock. Bloody and bruised, he pushes Jay over and takes the microphone back.
JERRY: And now, for a final thought.
AUDIENCE: Yeeeeea!
JERRY: My final thought is this....When you forget somebody's name, you're risking your physical health. Also, nudity is very bad and should be restricted to childbirth and the toilet. Nudity leads to chair throwing....
RYAN: Cooooool!
JERRY: ....and also delinquency. We will be having Amir back soon on an episode titled "I'm In a Rock Band?" Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.
JAY: What smells in here?!
PAIGE: It wasn't me!
JAY: It was, too!
The episode ends with the poignant image of Jay beating up Paige
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