Movie Reviews with Ryan

The concept is simple enough: Every other week or so, I give Ryan $10, send him off to a movie, and have him write a review. Why did I choose Ryan? For reasons that are clearly obvious!

Here is the review Ryan submitted. Enjoy! (Grammar and spelling errors were corrected)

10-31-99

Sooo, uhhh, like, Happy Halloween! I'm going to write this as fast as possible, because I want to go trick or treating. I'm going as a big butt! That's been my costume for, like, ten years. I didn't get to go last year because of that Family Values tour. That really sucked! I put peanut butter all over the toilet seat in our bus, and Paige got stuck. Dude, it was radical!

I like being one of the big kids because I can get all the candy. This year I'm going to succeed, and if anybody gets in my way, I'm going to shove them to the ground with my big butt costume!

Uhhh, oh yeah, I think I'm supposed to review movies or something. I've decided to review the Top Five Scariest Movies Ever. I could do the Top Ten, but that would require me to think too much, and thinking on Sundays is, like, sacreligious and stuff. I'm going to start with number 5, so the suspense will build.

Ryan's Top Five Scary Movies

#5- Halloween- I didn't see this movie until I was 20, which sucks because I could never figure out ways to kill my baby-sitter. She used to make me study and stuff. If my parents ever get me another baby-sitter, I'm gonna hire that Michael Myers dude...unless she's hot.

#4- The Exorcist- The part where that chick spits out green sludge is cool! That chick, like, came to one of our shows recently. She stood in the front row and cried out for Jay. He got a funny rash and stunk for days. I think she put a curse on him. It was cool, because none of the fans went near him, so I got more attention. I should buy one of those voodoo books.

#3- A Night at the Roxbury- This movie gave me nightmares for, like, three months. Every time that song comes on, I have a seizure. You know, that song that goes, "What is love, baby don't hurt me." Oh God, here it comes..gsgghhytrretrt4....DUDE, that seizure kicked ass! Jay told me every time you have a seizure, you lose brain cells. What a dumb ass! Uhhh, so, like, who am I?

#2- Garfield's Halloween Special- Uhhh, it's not really a movie, but it comes on TV every Halloween. People laugh at me when I tell them this special scares me. Why is that?! I mean, pirate ghosts are really scary!

#1- Spice World- AGGGHHHHH! Make it stop! Dude, Baby Spice is hot, but she should keep her mouth closed. These chicks are, like, from Russia, and they talk funny. I would advise that you do not rent this movie. It's bad for your health and might make your testicles shrink. That would suck!

Ummm, so that was my review. I have to go get into my big butt costume. Dude, I haven't showered for days, and I smell really bad. This is going to be cool!

So, uhh, bye and stuff!

The Sixth Sense by Ryan Shuck

Uhhh, hello? Is this mic on? I just want to say that I'm not getting paid for this column. I'm doing it because I'm a good person. Dude, I should start doing charities and stuff. Maybe they'd, like, make me a saint or something!

So, uh, I told that cheap chick that I wanted more than $10 for the movie theater this time. So she gave me $10.05 and a package of Lifesavers. Dude, I totally ripped her off!

I went to see this movie because Bruce Willis is in it, and Bruce likes to blow shit up. I was happy to go see this movie so I could see explosions and stuff, and maybe some nudity. There should be a movie called Explosions and Boobs, and I should star in it! The only problem is that I, like, might have to memorize lines and stuff, so I'd just have to write the script. That would be radical!

OK, so I went to the theater and sat in the back row. I took off my clothes and slathered my body in popcorn butter for no reason. Some kid in front of me kept screaming, so I kicked him in the back of the head and told him to shut up. The mother gave me $5 just for kicking her kid. Screw guitar playing. I think I found my calling!

This movie actually had a plot. That sucks! There weren't any aliens, boobies, or explosions in this movie, and the ghosts weren't even hot.

Because this movie sucked, I didn't pay attention. So to stretch this review, let's discuss the senses.

Uhhh, so, like, humans don't have six senses, except for that freaky kid in the movie. Apes have a lot of senses, and they can be our masters.

Anyway, so the first sense is smell. I wish I could turn this sense off after Paige eats Taco Bell. Dude, how come boogers don't smell?

The second sense is sight. Without sight, you could walk into trees and stuff. I went blind for a day when I saw Amir naked. Jay crashed a pan over my head and I got my vision back. The doctors said I am a walking miracle!

The third sense is taste. You know what tastes good? A beer sundae. You know what tastes really bad? Chalk, toe nails, and ants. Don't eat these things!

The fourth sense is the stuff you hear. If I were deaf, I couldn't play in Orgy. Instead I'd have to go join a band like Blink 182. But what's cool about that is I could play my guitar while naked. Jay won't let me play naked. He says that's not classy. I got mad at him and put bleach in his shampoo. His hair turned orange. Who's the prettiest now?!

The fifth sense is....uhhh....wait.....uhhh. I forget. The fifth sense should be, like, pleasure. Lots of things give me pleasure, like when I put my hand on that porcupine. Oh, wait, that didn't give me pleasure. That sucked!

The coolest part of the evening was when the usher came back and said, "Sir, would you please put on some pants?" That was the first time anybody had ever called me "Sir." I feel like a man!

So, like, the ending of this movie confused me because I had slept through most of it. I was mad and kicked that kid in the head again. He cried and the mother asked if I wanted to adopt him. I named the kid Slasher and left him at Bobby's door. Bobby is really pissed off at me now. He said Slasher killed all of his fish and set the house on fire. Bobby, like, complains too much!

RATING: I give this movie 1 out of 5 beers. I'm pissed off that this movie had a plot. Good movies focus on sex and explosion scenes. This movie also needed UFO's. What is wrong with writers these days?

OK, I have to go now. I have stuff to do, like drink beer and go watch TV. I hope you enjoyed my review!

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Last review...

The Blair Witch Project by Ryan Shuck

Dude. Is this going to be in a magazine? Oh boy! I've always wanted to be famous!

I've, like, never done this before. Jay told me to use big words. What a dumbass. What does he know? I guess I should follow his advice, though. So here's a big word: diarrhea. Hehe, diarrhea!

Anyway, I was sent off by this chick to review this stupid witch movie. She only gave me $10. What a cheap ass! It cost me $7.50 to get in, so that only left me with.....ummm....wait, let me count....uhhh, it left me with only $4. That wasn't enough to buy beer, and it's a good thing because this chick told me to stay sober during the movie. So I used my $4 to buy some popcorn, a hot dog, M&Ms and a Coke. How did I make my money stretch? That's for me to know and you to find out!

I sat down in the theater. It was really hot in there, so I stripped down to my underwear. I was in the back row, and it's like dark in a theater, so nobody saw me. I ate all my food before the movie started! I just got off tour and tour bus food tastes like shit!

So, uhhh, the movie started. The camera angles were messed up and stuff, like an acid trip. The chick in the movie wasn't even hot! Well, I guess she was kind of hot, but she had a voice like a dude.

I guess there was a stupid plot, but I, like, wasn't paying attention. I got bored after minute three of the movie, so I tried to see how many M&Ms I could fit up my nose. I'm proud to report that I can fit 3 up one nostril! Dude, is that a world record?

I paid attention to the movie at one point. The camera was shaking around. It made me sick, and I threw up in my empty popcorn bucket, which sucked, because I had wanted to use it as a hat. These kids in the movie were real dumb asses. They got lost in the woods. Every time I get lost in the woods, I scream "help!" until somebody comes for me. These kids, like, walked and stuff. That must have sucked.

I heard that the critics think this movie is scary. They're right! Dude, the part where the witches came scared me! I had just drunk an entire Super Gulp Cherry Coke, and I really had to piss during this movie. The chick who made me come see this thing told me not to get up during the movie, so I had to hold it in. It hurt, and dude, I just wanted those kids to be killed off so I could go to the bathroom.

Ummm, I was told not to give away the ending, so I'm not sure how to end this review. How about with a funny joke? Hehehe, OK, check this out: How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!

Hahahaha!

OK, so now it's time for Ryan's Rating System. I give this movie 3 out of 5 beers. I could have given it 4, but I'm mad because there were no hot chicks or nudity in this movie. Also because those kids were stupid. If they had packed alcohol, they wouldn't have needed to get out of those woods. Duh, it's so simple!

OK, I'll be back later to do another review for that cheap chick. Later!

(As if Ryan would review movies for my dinky little page!)

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