The J-Files

When he sings to the masses, they listen. They take in his every word religiously, looking at him like he's a God. Yes, there's no doubt that Jay Gordon has brought color and light to the lives of many.

That's a good thing, considering aliens have always been given a bad rap. They blew up the world in Independence Day and destroyed congress in Mars Attacks. Of course, you had the occassional sweet alien, like E.T., and the smartass alien, like Alf, but for the most part, aliens are something to be feared.

Which is why you'd expect that Jay would stay in the dark about his true self. Oh, come on, surely you know what I'm talking about. You didn't honestly think Jay Gordon was human, did you? Silly earthling!

Consider the evidence. Let's start with the fingers, which have an eery E.T. like quality that one can't seem to shake off. They're unusually long and thin, and were possibly used for a certain chore on his home planet, mainly nose picking. And then there's something about a person who stands at around 6'4" and only weighs 100 lbs. Perhaps that look is chic in Ethiopia, but here it's a tad bizarre. What about Jay's past? He doesn't appear to have one. Nobody recalls seeing Jay in high school, dark and dreary and full of teen angst. It seems he skipped the really fun years, appearing at a time when it would be less obvious.

And let's not forget the most bold factor of all: Jay's favorite food is astronaut paste. There isn't a single American who walks into the gift shop at Kennedy Space Center, buys some astronaut paste, samples it, and goes back for more. Jay probably developed a taste for it when he was traveling through space. It's possible some of the stuff fell out of the space shuttle. Jay, who never sampled pizza or slim jims on his home planet, got his first taste for Earth food, and was never quite able to adapt to anything else.

From what I can establish, Jay seems to have come to Earth in peace. He's a martian with a cause, and we should be lucky he crash landed in America rather than China, where his name would be Juo Gordong and a group named Orgy would never succeed.

Although Jay is a friendly being from another galaxy, I do feel this may be a little unsettling to his alien race. I have a feeling there's an anal probe heading this way, and it has my name on it. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go huddle in the bomb shelter and pray the beautiful, pouty, and perfectly poised invaders don't locate me.




Anal probes?! Eeek, I want OUT!