Jay Gordon (Lead singer; in need of Weight Gainer 3000)
Very little is known about Mr. Gordon, who prides himself in being a "mystery man" (a few of us speculate that he may have splashed down from another planet). What is is known about him? He's 32, likes vodka, and is allergic to cat hair. So, do you have anything in common with him?
An unknown fact about Jay is his special "reflex." Oh, surely you know the one I'm talking about! It's the reflex that makes Jay raise his middle finger exactly every five minutes! It's as common to Jay as breathing, and he's learned to accept his disability by covering it up in clever ways. You can see Jay's reflex for yourself in concert, in which he'll flick you off nonstop all night. Because of his little problem, Jay is now obsessed with the middle finger, and will ask everybody in the audience to flick him off. Do it, for it makes Jay feel less alienated!
Ryan Shuck (Guitarist; future Harvard graduate)
Whenever I thought of the "Blue Monday" video, the image of Ryan being shot up with green goo would come to me. It truly was a memorable scene, and Ryan deserves an Emmy for it. Ryan is the youngest Orgy member at 26, though he looks much older. Ryan is best known for his beer obsession, and he's a pretty crappy bowler when he's under the influence.
Ryan houses a talent that few may be aware of. He can spit like you wouldn't believe. No, seriously. At the show I attended, I watched in awe as Ryan's spit traveled a record 20 feet and landed on the floor next to me. I suppose I should have bottled it up and sold it, but I was careful not to step in it. Spit is spit, and it doesn't matter what mouth it comes from.
Amir Derakh (Guitarist; in need of some professional salon help)
So, what does the world know of Amir Derakh? He's 36, plays g-synth, was in Rough Cutt, and has the most bizarre hair in the group. If I'm discussing Orgy with a friend, and they don't have a clue who I'm talking about, all I have to do is bring up "the guy with the two-toned hair." They figure it out right away. Amir is almost like Orgy's mascot. Nobody would figure out who I was talking about if I described Jay!
Word of mouth is that Amir likes Green Tea. I know, try to hold back your excitement! Like most of his bandmates, I'm not sure about Amir's food preference, or if he even eats. As a female, I can say that I wouldn't mind having Amir's great figure. Of course, I'd want it a little fuller on top!
Paige Haley (Bass player)
Whenever you hear about cordiality to the fans, Paige's name comes up. According to his loyal fans, Paige will sign an autograph even if his hand has gangrene, his dog has just died, his hair is on fire, and he has mustard shooting out of every orifice on his body. Paige probably minds when a girl half his age asks him to father her baby, but he doesn't show it. Paige is a trooper.
If you want facts on Paige, I have absolutely none. All I know is that he has an average body temperature of 98.6* and the holes in his head are in all the right places. He could have come from Russia for all I know, or possibly from the planet Jay is from. Maybe it's an evil plot for them to take over the world. Oh man, I think I'm on to something!
Bobby Hewitt (Drummer; made the mistake of letting Ryan do his hair)
Bobby is one of the "nice" members. Nobody ever complains about Bobby, and I won't either, because dammit, Bobby is nice. I don't know anything about him, except that he's married and he had a bad bleach job. I hear he has a thing for Adidas, which is great, because their shoes are more comfortable than Nike's.
I've seen a picture of Bobby back when he was in another band. He had a beard and hair down to his butt. It was greasy, too. It terrified me, but luckily the event didn't require therapy. Bobby has improved drastically, and we should all be willing to forgive that slicked-down look he chose in the "Stitches" video.
This chick doesn't know shit, I want to LEAVE!
