Scotland is a small country unfortunally attached to the northern half of Great Britain, there are though some advantages in that Scotland gets all the shitty weather whilst the inhabitants of the north of Britain are excused these extremes.The country itself is a mixture of funny coloured grass called heather lots of big ponds and a considerable quantity of big hills with snow on the top of them inhabited by funny looking white things called sheep which also serve to satisfy some of the hill dwellers sexual needs. In earlier times some very wise men built a wall to keep them out of Great Britain those men now regret that JCB's were not available when they could have dug a big trench and set it loose into the North Sea.
The Oxford English Dictionary (which remains a mystery to all Scotsmen) defines "jock" as a Scottish name for Jack more definable terms are "Jock bastard" "animal" and many others, Samuel Pepys the renowned English diarist wrote "Most jocks don’t have any brains," this was a very observant view of the Jock and many a magistrate up and down the country have had to listen to a Jock appearing on a public order offence before them quoting in their defence "I lost ma heed sur", comments such as these are usually followed by a custodial sentence. They have certain features which identify them to the rest of the world, the most noticeable of these is their complete inability to speak English, and other traits include ginger hair and no teeth. The language problem has never been solved but in the opinion of many experts it arises from the fact that many Jocks survive by eating the funny coloured grass (heather) this after time deforms the pallet and produces animal sounds not unlike the sheep they derive sexual satisfaction from. There has over the years been great debate as to why they have ginger hair but no single answer has come beyond scrutiny but one expert has associated the ginger hair trait with the no teeth debate, his findings published in the Lancet conclude that they have no teeth because of their tradition of building iron ships before the invention of oxy acetylene cutters and used their teeth to cut the steel, this also meant drinking copious amounts of water some of which dripped on the steel making it rusty, the excess then dropped onto their heads producing red hair. A commercial drink known as "Irn Brew" was developed from this practice. The clothing adopted by the Jock has also come under great scrutiny as to why someone should wear a brightly coloured hair blanket about his person has baffled experts for many years, also attached to this dress is a pouch thing known as a sporran a most uncomfortable attire as every time you take a step this pouch thing bangs your knackers resulting in considerable pain. The National Scientific Society in London had originally commissioned Charles Darwin to conduct his Origin of The Species research in Glasgow but he couldn’t get insurance cover so he legged it to a little island off the west coast of South America.
Most nations on the Planet have over the centuries have contributed to the rich tapestry of music, bringing joy and sadness alike the Jocks however flaunted musical license and produced a supposed musical instrument called a bagpipe. The origins of this wailing noise are lost to history but it is believed that it roots are founded when a Scotsman attempting to shag a dead sheep to no avail cut out its bladder (anatomy was not his strong point) in a vain attempt to construct a early form of blow up doll that he could shag instead, when he started to blow it up for his evil purpose it made a noise, not being too bright in the brains department he stuck more tubes into it and put holes in them to allegedly control the ensuing noise by putting it under his arm blowing into it and fiddling with the air pipes, the result we are all aware of. It is worthy to note that Ann Summers does not use bagpipe music to advertise her varied assortment of blow up dolls.
Scottish people walking (Note Black Scottish person)
The Scots have been seen off more times than I have had hot dinners, slaughtered in their thousands by a varied selection of English Monarchs, beaten by Football and Rugby teams etc. so why the Scotland The Brave myth, well lets face it if you were a German in the First World War and saw a gaggle of men wearing coloured blankets and with severe bruising to the knackers making a racket using a blow up doll with a rifle and bayonet approaching you at speed yelling gibberish wouldn’t you shit yourself and leg it?
Some of the sport activities in Scotland are beyond understanding, can you imagine picking up a telegraph pole and slinging it as far as you can completely out of control, British Telecoms don’t use this practice for erecting their telegraph poles thankfully. Why for heavens sake would anyone want to attach a wire handle to a hammer and then screaming and moving like a whirling dervish let go and aim it at some poor burke standing in the distance...the mind boggles.Another of their strange sporting actitivies is the climbing of the big hills with white stuff on them, for a reason best known to themselves they rope themselves together and then climb the good bit being that if one falls they all fall thats a good result, if they reach the top they then slide down on scaffold boards..go figure. It must be appreciated however that the Scots are responsible for mankind’s most frustrating game called golf. The origins are vague but it is thought that the game derived in the early wars between them and the English whilst the English were hurtling musket balls at them over the wall, the Scots cleared some of the funny grass and used a bent stick to knock the musket balls into one central area where they were recycled and shot back over the wall to the English in reality they were just too tight to buy their own musket balls. The Gentry in England were fascinated by this "sport" and refined it spending hours doing almost the same thing, knocking a musket ball into a hole, it is argued that the downfall of the British Empire can be attributed to Golf because instead of going overseas to slaughter wogs, coons and niggers they stayed at home playing Golf instead, so down the swannie went the Empire....so blame the Jocks.
