HURONIA HASH HOUSE HARRIER MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM
June 25
Still waters run deep, and Harrier speedboats made a convoy to Beausoleil Island for the annual pilgrimage. Boats were big and small, and yes, size does matter. Brewster had room for 2, and decided to pick up guys! A dog-free, nearly bug- and snake-free run was delayed by another rarity in nature - the Elephant did forget, causing even Audball and Action to be waiting patiently.
The run proved a challenge to Brewster to keep on the straight and narrow. Take extra care when you're living on the edge. Trust Me lost sight of the pack, who lost sight of 20% of him. Can we trust him more now that there is less of him?
The East Witch saw a rattle snake, but didn't bother to capture it for potion or snack. Not a good move, as we hear there is a conspiracy among the snakes and snake lovers to return the island to non-people. The RCMP appear to be involved as well. Are they watching you-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo?
Hot Tomato flaunted a shirt claiming to be having sex all the time, but words couldn't express what this meant. Some of Queen Maggie's jewels appeared to have left her crown and landed elsewhere. Titus tried to explain his tattoo, but it would take the whole section and it wasn't that interesting. But it's not in the same location as the royal's. Gin Swill sported his black shiny shorts, but they didn't do the same thing for Whinger as the white pair had. And Gin Swill wasn't wearing a hat at the On-On! But as he recently got his detective credentials, purchased on VISA, he discovered many other hat wearers, one who claimed to be doing so for 'medical reasons'. Now you know why the health cuts are continuing.
Commander sported a yellow accessory from Toronto's last parade, and was proud of it. Brillo landed in cool water for a silly comment and should have been held under for his concern about beached whales. Popeye was missing his book, but that's another story. Brewster's secretive 'love' cell phone call made Liar Liar and Queen Maggie break out in song with "Love Potion #9". Action knew 4 words.
Newcomers from Cyprus were Loonie Bird and Moufflon, pronounced "Old Goat" (So much for Doo Run's French). And with all that clear cool water, what better time for a christening? As there was no beach available, Brian Wilson is now "Walrus". (I'm sure that someone will remember the words to this one.) Mackenzie Blake, this year's winner of the Huronia Hash House Harrier award for good sportsmanship and sport performance, especially her cross-country feats, came to personally thank us. She will have to wait for a good faux pas to get her HHH name.
All that running, walking, snake-dodging and fresh air gave us great appetites for the marvelous picnic that followed. Many thanks to Whinger and Trust Me for restoring the Beausoleil tradition. It was a superb night!
We are beginning a letter-writing campaign to TheMember of Parliament to arrange special permission from the Prime Minister to continue this honourable tradition, and preferably enshrine it in the Constitution.
17th Century HHHH VALENTINE'S RUN
at STE. MARIE AMONG THE HURONS
If I were the marrying kind
And thank the lord I'm not, sir.
The kind of man that I would wed
Would be a Hash House Harrier.
(well, perhaps not, read on...)
The hare gave caring advice
In the pre-run announcements he said:
"Of the blue stuff, use not for food, snuff or pot
Or thou may endeth up dead."
The hare had spread diamonds galore
And they glittered all over the snow.
The trumpets did play many times in the day
As the Harriers sought whence to go.
Fifth Estate's conservative wardrobe
Again set her off from the bunch.
She didst state with dread: "I shall not wear red
At Valentine's, Christmas, or lunch!"
With Messiah's amazing new lightness
He didst walk on water with zing.
For his tracks saweth we crisscross the ice merrily.
Please show us how in the spring.
Old Grey Mare did shareth his nuts
And Whinger didst counter with this:
"Tis food for a mouse, we need a Clubhouse
To attain real Harrier bliss!"
To undo his late arrival,
To prove his skill as a knight,
Zeke choseth a branch to use as a lance
Against deadly chickadees in flight.
Sinker keepeth an eye out for Storm.
Whinger changeth his name to Wallflower.
Next time you've the chance, pray ask him to dance
To keepeth his spirit un-sour.
A swimsuit edition from the future
Caused many male hearts to beat hard.
Be it not quaint? They now want to paint
And not on canvas by the yard.
Herbicide's new down-down device
Didst cause dreadful waste of good beer
For Doo Run, Whinger, Sinker, Whitey, Rodman and
Commander.
‘Twas male mathematics, we fear.
Doo Run, our illustrious Poobah,
Displayeth his prize by the fire -
The Harrier flag so bright of red, green and white,
Sewn up for us by Liar Liar.
Cockeye and Sue-City-Sue
(A legal firm?) Really did cater.
At the Harrier feast we ate chocolate and beast
And even had chips of the ‘tater.
Commander and the lovely Queen Maggie
Prepareth the next run by their door.
Bringeth XC skis or shoes if you please
Calleth 549-3764.
HURONIA HASH HOUSE HARRIER RUN SUNDAY MARCH 12
About 25 excited, anxious, impatient, runners and wussy walkers met on a
dull Sunday morning in the parking lot beside the Midland Town Hall. We
were ready for a challenging but interesting run and were eager to go.
The Hare Heart On, in typical lawyer fashion, gave us very complicated
instructions about the run that meant absolutely nothing to anybody. On
and on he went until finally out of sheer boredom away we went leaving
him babbling to himself. There was four ways to go and everybody went
in four opposite directions.
Finally, from somewhere in the direction of the harbour, an On On was
called by Captain Nimrod. The volume of his call was about as ambitious
as his running but at least he tried. Along the beautiful new trail
went the speedy runners with the verbose walkers surprisingly close
behind. Up hill, down dale they went. Commander Thom was seen pointing
out a fire hydrant to poor Storm who admitted to a very serious
problem. The trail was lost, then it was found then it was lost again.
Eventually the front runners Elephant, Nimrod, Popeye, Whiner, Token,
Storm and the Marathon Man Commander all headed in different directions
to see if the run really continued somewhere. In the distance much
noise was heard from a crowd of people moving at a turtle's pace. The
runners headed for this conflagration only to discover that it was the
walkers. A quick conversation revealed that they didn't know where they
were either. Hot Tomato was walking and talking so fast that he tripped
over a speed bump in Little Lake Park. Some profanity was muttered in a
foreign language but luckily no one understood.
As usual, the most infamous short cutters Doo Run and Cockeye, roared up
the road without a single mark in sight. No one was gullible enough to
follow them. The ever intelligent, svelte, athletic Commander led the
rest of the pack in what he thought was the right direction. Finally
Commander looked back and alas he was alone. There was no trial to be
seen on any road or any field within the confines of the Town of
Midland. After about an hour roaring around in circles all of the
runners showed up at the Hare's house. We were annoyed at the poorly
marked trail and were determined to eat the Hare out of house and home.
In a whinging tone Doo Run claimed that only he and Cockeye did the
complete run and in disgust left the On On and went home. Rumor has it
that Doo Run is going to start a new chapter of female only Harriers and
we will have to run without him. Too Bad! Not to be insulted, the rest
of the pack basked in the sun and sang Heart On's song about the
feminine affinity for chocolate. Heart On was scorned for confusing
Cockeye for Hawkeye. Hawkeye was chastised in absentia for lying about
being out of the country and canceling his run. It seems that he
believes he has a white rug and he didn't want the Harriers to get it
dirty. We all agreed to not tell him that the rug is, in fact, pink
and we all don't want to go to his house and walk on a pink rug anyway.
Returnees Al Before and Stand Up were welcomed back and a new
runner/walker was welcomed and christened the Lodger. Al Before wanted
to be called Half Yard but being realistic, the group christened him
Dreamer. The Hare was now burned for setting an incomplete run and
setting it by bike. There was accord in the group that this was by far
the worst run ever set.
Out of respect for St. Patrick, the Hare now provided the most
magnificent potato fare imaginable. There were hot potatoes, cold
potatoes, potato strips and potato chips. The food was wonderful and
was followed by the most magnificent green potato cake. The happy
contented well-fed group now broke out in song as led by the selfv
appointed choirmaster Cockeye. To the tune of "When Irish Eyes are
Smiling" the angelic voices of the Harrier Choir could be heard singing:
"When Harriers get together
On a fine and frosty morn
They'll go slogging through the countryside
Just as sure as you are born
All shapes and sorts and sizes
Make our hearty Harrier crew.
Pushing lycra to the limit
It's what Harrier runners do."
HURONIA HASH HOUSE HARRIER RUN MONDAY May 1
Harriers Hunting Hare with Hounds
Harriers have indeed gone to the dogs. The last few Hares have set runs that have “led to nowhere” with Harriers running aimlessly over wide areas of Midland-Penetang
and Vasey. This must explain the appearance of so many Harriers with their trusty
hounds at Brillo & DT’s run. When released, the pack picked up the scent
with Harriers in hot pursuit. The smarter Harriers ran towards the sound of the
barking hounds (with Popeye running in the opposite direction). Gin Swill (not the
sharpest pencil in the box) ran elsewhere and made a late but relieved appearance.
Over hills, along deep ravines they ran avoiding vegetation but not the mud nor
water hazards. The Hare was elusive and crafty but was eventually cornered near
DT’s fridge and imbibing liquid refreshments.
Do Run claimed that he followed the trail but he looked far too clean to be believed.
Martyr, however, was everywhere on the run and helped the stragglers find their way.
Martyr found time to point out to Heart On a patch of wild leeks but upon close
questioning admitted that leeks could not be mashed and distilled for a useful purpose.
Jim Glennie appeared for his first run and was taken by the beauty of the countryside. He
would have enjoyed it more were it not for the bush cuts on his exposed parts.
Brewster finally made an appearance at a run arriving in his vintage Corvette and telling
tales of exotic ski trips gone by. He was looking far too tanned and prosperous since
his last humble appearance but at least his dog was still a regular dog.
Unworthy was singled out for her importation of flowers from Toronto – you can take the
gal from Toronto but not Toronto from the gal. She needs more Harrier reprogramming..
We learned that Hawkeye returned to the old country with Cockeye and ran the London
Marathon side by side. Such show of stamina and character so unusual for Harriers
was given a BRAVO and toast. We would have toasted them anyway without the
need for that long and arduous trip. Relax; take it easy; be careful not to overachieve.
Popeye had yet another birthday with a cake provide by the lovely Olive Oil. Due to fire
code regulations, we could light only a single candle. Truly this sailor of great
renown can look forward to many more voyages.
The next run will start at Sacred Heart School, 241 Elizabeth St., with a 6:00 o’clock
start, Monday, May 8. The On-On will be at Fifth Estate’s mansion on 296 Fifth St..
Rumours are rampant that Heart-On will be bringing a golden treasure to this run as
well as a real Parisian (with charm and manners) - a double treat for the better half.
