Jen blinks at her new playmate. "God, Pacey ... this is weird." "It really is," he agrees. "It's the damnedest thing. I mean, how are we supposed to have some lurid, purely sexual affair if every time we get together ..." "... there's no sexual tension," she finishes for him. Pacey nods. "Nada." "Zilch." He sighs, and the pair reflect in silence for a moment on their amorous woes.
"If it's me --" "It's not you, it's me --" they both begin simultaneously. "No, no," Jen insists. "I mean, we're both ... we're both two highly sexually-charged people." "Absolutely!" Pacey concurs. "Look at our track records!" "Oh yeah," Jen nods. Pacey indignantly tells her they're "all that and then some, thank you very much."
Jen sighs. "And look at the measures that we've gone through today." Pacey props himself up, extracting a condom. "We've come properly equipped." "And we've picked the perfect locale," Jen adds. (okay, can I just say --- NOT! I'm sorry, but having sex with my ex-boyfriend's best friend in said ex-boyfriend's bed is about as far away from a 'perfect locale' as the sun is from the moon. What is she thinking?)
"Absolutely," Pacey nods. "You know, Dawson and Mr. Leery both at school for the afternoon ... window's always open ... this was sheer genius on your part." (Sorry ... I'm still firmly entrenched in the "Ewww!" camp) Jen grins provocatively. "Grams always said that that ladder was an invitation to sin."
Time for Round Two. Another passionate clinch and another disappointing performance. Pacey and Jen sigh in unison. "This is starting to get depressing," he says miserably. No point flogging a deceased equine (yes, I shamefully stole that from the Roswell messageboard at crashdown.com, but hey, at least I admitted it, right?), they call it quits for the afternoon and begin putting on their shoes.
Jen has a proposition. (No ... not that. Minds out of the gutter, people!) "All right, I'll tell you what ... why don't we give it a week? Keep trying, in hopes that whatever sexual spark that once flickered will burn again." Her answer is the sound of a loud but distant slamming door. Pacey raises an eyebrow. "Did you just hear somebody come into the house?"
Her eyes grow wide, then she jumps up and dives out the window faster than ... well I can think of a few metaphors, but seeing as this is a G-rated review, I'll just say pretty darn fast and leave it at that. Pacey makes a mad leap for Dawson's video game console, which is lying on the floor beside his television. He's barely picked up the joystick-type-thingie when The Man Himself walks in the room.
"Pacey?" Dawson asks in obvious surprise. Pacey flashes one of his patented Cheshire Cat grins. "Hey, man, what's happening?" Young Mr. Leery frowns suspiciously. "What are you doing in my room in the middle of a school day?" "Just playing some Crash Bandicoot," he replies nonchalantly. "What are you doing home?"
Dawson explains he had a dentist appointment and just came home to get his books. "You, uh, have any cavities?" Pacey asks, desperate to change the subject. "No," his best friend replies curtly. "How ... how did you get in?" Pacey moves into high-speed, you-got-me mode. "Is that clock right on the VCR?" he babbles. "Cause if it is, man, I should really be getting to school."
With that, he strides over to the door. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Dawson calls after him. Pacey replies he doesn't think so, so Dawson prompts him again. Again, Pacey insists all is well. Dawson glances at Pacey's legs and points out he's only wearing one shoe. (hey, better than being caught with his pants (literally) down, right?) Pacey chuckles in embarrassment, trying to wriggle off the hook.
Meanwhile, back at school, size apparently does matter. Andie wails about the four-paragraphs-long length of her report on manifest destiny as she observes the several-pages-long length of her brother's report. Jack corrects her. "Remember when Dawson did that story about me joining the football team on the Web? These are e-mails from people who saw it."
"Oh, Jack! This is amazing," she gushes. "I mean, look how many people you reached!" He shakes his head. "No, look. I didn't exactly reach everybody. Check this out: 'Dear Homo, Too bad Capeside didn't make it to regionals. Our linebackers were looking forward to playing smear the queer.'"
"Oh my God, that's so sad," Andie comments. "I mean, some poor dumb cheerleader is wasting all of her prime boy-chasing years on that closet case." (heh heh heh) Andie picks a paper out of the pile at random. "This one looks good: 'Dear Jack, Saw the story about you on the web. Have you been deluged with letters addressed 'Dear Homo?' If not, then they'll come soon. That's what happened to me when I took another guy to the prom last year and the story got picked up by the AP wire.'"
Jack's face registers a cross between suspicion and surprise. "Who's that from?" Andie checks. "Um ... some guy named Ben. Ben Street." She continues to read Ben's e-mail. "'If you ever need to talk to someone who's been there and lived to tell, you can find me in the Pink Pages under Out Teens.'" Jack snatches the paper away from her. "Give me that!" "Gotcha," she smiles. "You should write him back, he sounds like a nice guy."
Her brother rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I'm gonna write him back," Jack tells her sarcastically. "He ... he's a total stranger. What would I say?" Andie shrugs. "I don't know. Say anything ... it worked for John Cusack." (good movie, too) With that, she leaves, leaving Jack to contemplate his navel and his next move, amongst other things.
Inside the school, Pacey's giving the new guidance counsellor (where, oh where, is Mr. Milo when you need him?) a pre-emptive strike. "All right, whatever it is, I didn't do it," he begins as he walks into the office. "But if I did do it, then I just want you to know I take full and complete responsibility for all of my actions."
The guidance counsellor informs him it isn't a disciplinary matter. "You're here because when Mr. Milo sent your file over to me, you jumped immediately to the Top 10 of my Most In Need Of Guidance list. And when I started talking to your teachers ..."
"Uh-oh," Pacey replies, filling in the rest of the sentence without uttering a word. The guidance counsellor looks at him bluntly. "You're failing math, Pacey." "I'm failing?" Pacey repeats, and the counsellor gives him a sad confirming smile. "I'm afraid the only other grades you've got going here are four D+'s and one very lonely C-. Want to tell me why that is?"
Pacey scowls at the floor. "Just lazy, I guess." "Has there been some trouble at home?" the counsellor prods gently. "Any sort of change in your family situation?" " No, it's nothing like that," Pacey shakes his head. The counsellor mulls it over a moment, choosing his words carefully. "Mr. Milo mentioned something about a girlfriend being sick?"
"She's not my girlfriend anymore," comes the flat reply. "I'm sorry to hear that," the counsellor murmurs. "Yeah, you and me both," Pacey replies, with more than a smidge of bitterness. "Bbut life goes on, doesn't it? Listen, you think I could get out of here? I'm probably missing a filmstrip or something." He gets as far as the door when the counsellor tells him he seems like a good kid, and that whatever's eating at him these days, he shouldn't let it win. "Maybe it already has," Pacey mutters, walking out of the room.
Over in the computer lab, the siblings McPhee are surfing the Net side-by-side. "Okay, 40,000 hits? I must be doing something wrong." Jack glances over at her monitor. "Oh, well you can't do a search on such a broad topic like democracy. You have to decide what you want, what you don't want, and then, you know, establish some restrictions."
"Okay," Andie nods, a gleam in her eye. "Oh, so it would be like ... if I were searching for, say, a boyfriend, then I'd want to meet a lot of people and get to know them and eliminate the incompatible ones?" (gee, nice segue there) Jack frowns. "You know, you really should have your own website: www.annoyingsister.com."
"Ha, ha, ha, Jack," Andie frowns right back. "Okay, I really think that you should write this guy Ben back. I mean, he seems super nice and he only lives two towns over. I mean, you guys could end up being friends or ..."
"Or what?" Jack demands. "Or ... whatever," Andie shrugs. Her brother rolls his eyes. "Please." "What?" Andie asks, wide-eyed. "You're worried that he has a boyfriend? Let me assure you, a lot can happen between May and November. I mean, prom guy could be completely out of the picture by now."
Jack tells her to stop it, but true to form, she's a tenacious little so-and-so, and she won't. "Jack, you have to seize the day! If you don't, I'll do it for you." An Instant Message window pops up on Jack's computer monitor reading "Anybody out there?" Jack stares at it like a deer trapped in headlights.
"Someone just instant messaged you," Andie explains. (which is really stupid, because on Dawson's Desktop, Jack often e-mails the other characters, but whatever ...) "Just hit ... oh, my God!" Andie squeals, looking at the screen name. "It's Ben Street! It's him! It's him!"
"Yeah, yeah I know," Jack hisses. "What do I do here? How do I make this thing go away?" "You don't make it go away," Andie insists. "He's talking to you. Say something!" "Now?" "Yeah! He's waiting." "Yeah, but it --" "Type." "I ... I don't know what I'm --" "Type! Go on."
Finally, Jack concedes defeat. "All right." With hesitant fingers, he types "Hi" then leans back into his chair. Andie looks at him funny. "Okay, well you have to hit 'send.'" Jack does so, and his words appear in the Instant Message.
Further down the halls, Joey's heading to her locker when an agitated but smarmy Pacey approaches her. "Hey, Joey ... Joey, how are you doing? My, you are looking absolutely ravishing today. Is that a new ... uh, hair thing-a-ma-jig you got going there?"
At her locker, Joey rolls her eyes and sighs in disgust at him. "You need my notes from today's class that you missed." "You missed me, huh?" he grins. "Oh, how could I miss you? It's so much easier to see the board without your big fat head in the way." Joey pulls out a wad of notes and thrusts them at him. "I need these back by tomorrow morning."
Pacey glances down at the papers. "What's a cosine?" "You don't know what a cosine is?" Joey repeats incredulously. "You're never gonna catch up by midterms." "You're absolutely right. I'm not," he muses, nodding. "Not unless, of course, you ..."
She knows exactly where he's going with this and she's not about to follow. "Look, I'm not gonna help you, Pacey. I've been busting my butt all semester while you've been ... eh, who knows what the hell you've been doing lately." Defensively, he tells he's been "busy." "Busy ... right," Joey smirks. "Pacey, you have a very undemanding part-time job, your only familial obligation is to feed the dog everyday, and your social life is basically a triangle consisting of you, me and Dawson."
"Okay, listen," Pacey sighs. "Truth be told, I'm failing math right now. So, if you could find it in your heart to explain all this trig stuff to me, I'll do anything you want." Joey raises an eyebrow. "Anything?"
Cut to later that night, at a place called the Starlight Dance Studio. The room is filled with senior citizen couples slowly dancing around the room in harmony. Amid them, Joey and Pacey are awkwardly trying to imitate the couples' steps. An annoyingly perky instructor named Penny calls out encouragement and instruction. "Slow ... quick quick ... good footwork, people!"
"Ow!" Joey howls as Pacey steps on her toes. "Maybe you should probably tell me what I'm doing here before the other nine suffer the same fate," he tells her gruffly. She glares at him. "You expect me to believe that you actually have control over those lead feet of yours?" As if to prove her point, he steps on her toes again. "Ow! Pacey!"
He apologizes, and Joey sighs. "Look. Every year the Starlight School offers a $1,500 scholarship to the high school student who best exemplifies the spirit and grace of ballroom dancing. If you look around, there's about six people who wear their teeth to bed, let alone go to high school with us."
Pacey grins. "Which would make you, what? A shoo-in?" "I do have to complete at least one of the two week courses," Joey explains. Pacey asks why Joey didn't get Dawson or Jack to do this with her. "Because they don't owe me like you will after I perform CPR on your math grade," she replies.
"So that's the trade-off," Pacey nods. "Mmm-hmm." "One study session for one dance class." "That's the trade-off." Pacey's grin is laced with sarcasm. "Excellent."
Just then, they're interrupted by the instruction. "What did I say about ribcages touching? And refresh my memory, who's leading here?" Penny starts to rearrange Joey and Pacey's various body parts. "I'm trying," Pacey insists, "But Janet Reno here doesn't exactly make it easy on a fella, you know what I'm saying?"
"Like you even know how, Pacey," Joey sneers. Ignoring her, Penny instructs Pacey to lead, then leaves. Pacey tells Joey they should try again, and she tells him not to get too close. Once again, he steps on her toes, so she returns the favour as Penny walks by in disgust.
At the same time, we find Dawson in his bedroom. Randomly, he picks up a stack of books and a small, square packet catches his eye. He reaches down and picks it up ... it's Pacey's condom from his secret tryst with Jen. Oooooh! Dawson stares at the prophylactic bug-eyed. (Lord knows why, it isn't like he hasn't ever seen one before ...)
The next morning, Pacey and Joey are walking in the quad outside school. Joey hands Pacey his math assignmen and demands he show his work -- she doesn't want him to just copy the answers out of the back of the book. He chuckes sarcastically. "You know, if I had known the sadistic pleasure you were gonna take out of tutoring me, I never woulda let you have such free reign."
Joey brushes his comment aside. "Look, we're gonna spend an hour after school doing math and then we're gonna go back to --" "I know, the Starlight Foundation, for another afternoon's torture at the hands of Miss Penny Pretty," Pacey replies. (huh ... that's really her name? Who knew?) "You do realize how absolutely imperative it is that no one -- and I mean no one -- find out about our after-school activities? Because on the sliding scale of embarrassing and decidedly non-butch activities for a teenage male to be involved in, waltzing is right up there with painting your own pottery."
"Pacey, do you really think I'm eager to have this information disseminated to the general public?" she answers miserably. He brightens up a bit. "Perfect. Then we're in agreeance?" "Exactly." "No one is to find out." "No one."
"Find out what?" A voice calls from just behind them. Joey whirls around to find Dawson looking at the pair curiously. "Nothing," she replies quickly. Pacey is quick to cover his friend's suspicion. "No, no, we can tell him ... it's Dawson, right?" Joey shoots daggers at Pacey with her eyes. Ignoring her icy stare, Pacey makes up a completely unbelievable ad-lib: "We were ... we were just discussing the fact that I am really awful at home improvement and décor. Right? How are you with a roller?"
"I can hold my own," Dawson replies quietly. "Fantastic!" Pacey enthuses. "Cause the Pacey J. Witter memorial addition to the Potter family home is in desperate need of painters and plasterers, all union wages." You can tell Dawson doesn't quite buy it, but he tells Pacey to count him in, nevertheless.
"That's good to hear," Pacey nods heartily. "All right. So ... Joey?" He makes a motion to her that the two of them should leave. "Yeah," she mutters. Pacey nods some more. "Yeah ... okay, let's do that." The two of them walk away quickly, with Joey tossing a quick "See ya" to Dawson as they depart.
Needless to say, this little incident piques Dawson's curiosity even further. "Hold on," he calls after them. "Pacey, I wanna talk to you for a sec." Pacey struggles to maintain composure but fails at that almost as much as he does his math grade: "Yes ... I ... uh ... can't talk at all right now. I'm really trying to stay off Mr. Milo's Top 10 Most Tardy list. Can I ... can I get you after school? Yeah? Okay!" With that, he leaves as Dawson stares dumbly after him.
In the computer lab, Andie and Jack pick up where they left off the day before, discussing Jack's new Instant Message buddy, Ben Street. "Have you asked about prom guy yet?" Andie asks anxiously (which is kind of a redundant thing to say -- I mean, does she know how to ask questions any other way?) as Jack continues to type his conversation with Ben.
"All right, they were never really dating, okay? They just did the whole prom thing as a ... as a statement," Jack explains. Andie approves. "Oh! Political commitment. I like that. In moderation, of course. Well, what else?" she urges. "Uh ... he's a saxophonist (cool! me too!) ... um, huge Charlie Parker fan ... all-conference track."
"Hmm," Andie smiles. "Sounds hot. What's he look like?" Jack blushes a little. "Eh, come on ... that's not important." "Well, yeah," his sister agrees, "But he saw you on the web in your uniform. It's only fair." "We're just writing here," Jack insists. "It's not like we're going on a date." "Yet," Andie counters.
The computer lab supervisor, who has been within earshot of their entire conversation, pipes up: "You know, I dated a guy from the Internet once ... hideous." (hey, don't knock it til you try it) Her words are enough to give Jack pause for thought. "I'm ... I'm gonna get that picture. Yeah." "Two!" Andie shouts at his retreating form. "One formal, one casual. No baseball hats, baggy sweaters or other articles of deceiving clothing!"
That evening, Jen decides to visit Pacey at work to further discuss (and perhaps even act upon) their "plans." She enters Screen Play Video with a twinkle in her eye and a smirk on her lips, ready for another round of lip-lock with her new new boy toy, but instead, meets up with Dawson, much to her chagrin. "Jen, hey!" he exclaims, re-entering the storefront from the back room. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off campaigning for Prom Queen?"
Jen gives him her best sarcastic smile. "Very funny, Dawson. No, actually I'm ... I'm working on a project with Pacey. It's a human growth and development thing. (well, that's one way to put it) Is he here?" Dawson looks over the employee work schedule. "Um ... he isn't in until Tuesday."
"But he told me that he was working today," Jen says. "I must've gotten him confused." Dawson snorts lightly. "That's not too surprising considering what a flake he's been lately. There aren't any especially do-able new faculty members I don't know about, are there?" He begins restocking shelves with returned videos.
"What?" Jen asks in confusion. "Well, the last time Pacey was acting this weird, I ended up with taped outtakes of him and Ms. Jacobs performing tree surgery at the ruins," Dawson replies. Jen's eyes widen. "What you don't ... you don't think that Pacey's older woman fetish has returned with a vengeance, do you?" "I don't know what to think," Dawson says truthfully. Jen looks a tad uncomfortable. "But you're definitely thinking something."
"Yeah," Dawson sighs. He frowns a bit, collecting his thoughts. "I ... yesterday I came back to my house in the middle of the day and I found Pacey sprawled out on my bedroom floor." Jen visibly pales, but Dawson, thankfully, doesn't see it. "Wow." Her voice sounds wooden. "Was he alone?"
Dawson nods. "Yeah. He was playing Crash Bandicoot." Jen isn't quite sure what to make of this little revelation. Smiling wanly, she tells him she hopes that isn't one of his clever euphemisms for ... "No," he laughs. "It's just a video game."
"Good," she replies, sounding mightily relived. Dawson isn't, though. "But here's the weird thing, all right? Later that night, I found a condom on my floor, and then when I asked Pacey about it this morning, he and Joey were huddled together like it was some sort of conspiracy."
Jen's uneasiness and agitation is clearly visible this time around, but again, Dawson doesn't seem to notice it. "Has, has, has ... uh .. has he said anything to you? I mean, have you, have you talked at all with him yet?" "No," Dawson sighs. "He took off and he's been dodging me ever since." "Huh," Jen comments, trying hard to sound like she's commiserating with Dawson over their mutual friend's latest adventure into weirdness.
Speaking of, the said friend is pacing the floors of a classroom the next afternoon during a tutoring session with Joey. "Can we take a break, please?" Pacey begs. Joey's a stubborn taskmistress, though, and won't be swayed from the job at hand. "We just took a break. No wonder you're so far behind. I swear, Alexander can sit still longer than you can."
"You don't understand, okay?" he whines. "It's just that recently, whenever I crack open a book to study, it's like I automatically want to be doing something else ... anything else. I mean, it seems to me that under the previous regimes in my life, every time I was studying, I was given a reward."
"I offered you Chex mix." "I'm not talking about Chex mix," Pacey replies patiently. "I'm talking about Tamara and I'm talking about Andie. Let's just say that those two ladies, they trained me to acquaint studying with ..." He trails off, unable and -- dare I say it? -- embarrassed to continue that particular train of thought. Joey glares at him darkly. "With what."
"Sex." The word hangs in the air between them a moment before he continues, almost in a confessional tone. "I acquaint studying with sex, sex with studying. Now, I get studying, but no sex. You understand? So it's a little hard to get motivated these days."
Joey blinks at him, her expression a cross between amusement and disbelief. "So, what you're saying, is that you're merely the innocent victim in some behavioral psychology experiment gone horribly awry?" "Yeah." Joey continues in a throaty voice, leaning in near him suggestively. "And that you're desperately in need of some able-bodied female to help you provoke those pre-conditioned Pavlovian homework responses?" "Yes."
"That is the worst pick-up line I have ever heard, Pacey," she concludes flatly, her tone doing a complete 180. He smiles at her sarcastically. "Thanks, toots, but I wasn't hitting on you. I'll have you know I have my own prospects, thanks."
She's amused by the prospect. "Like who?" Pacey joins in her mocking laughter. "For right now, they would prefer to remain anonymous, but let me tell you, they've made it clear to me in no uncertain terms that should the mutual desire occur, that they will be more than willing to take care of all my physical needs, understand?" ("They?" Didn't know he'd cloned Jen. Or maybe he means Eve and Jen ... they are 'sisters,' after all, and Josh Jackson was/is supposed to be seeing whatshername who plays Eve in real life. Ewww ...)
Joey's laughter stops short. "So is this a potential relationship, or are we talking a free-trade agreement?" "All right, listen," Pacey replies, serious this time. "If you had the opportunity to be with somebody -- no questions asked, no strings attached, no awkward first dates, no waiting by the phone, no any of that -- totally on the surface, 100 per cent casual, what would you do? Would you go for it?" (hell, yeah! Where do I sign up?? ... kidding ... not ... maybe ...)
"A totally empty, emotionally unfulfilling sexual experience? Sounds great," Joey replies sarcastically. He shakes his head. "You're not listening to me. I'm being serious, but it's kind of a limited-time offer, so I just thought I'd ask you. What do you think?" (Okay, can I just say that, for the record, even though he's just told her he isn't hitting on her, this last couple of comments of his sound very much like a proposition to me, but maybe that's just me ...)
His words have put all kidding aside. Joey exhales deeply. "Pacey, I think that if you really wanted to be having causal sex with someone right now, you'd be doing it instead of sitting here having a hypothetical discussion about it. That's what I think."
Speaking of hypothetical discussions about relationships (not a bad bridge, if I don't say so myself!), Andie and Jack are still holed up in the computer lab, waiting for Ben's photo to appear on their monitor. "Oh, come on, already," Andie says to the screen impatiently. On cue, an image begins to appear. "It's ... it's happening," Jack whispers, barely able to believe his eyes.
A photo of a reasonably cute guy is shown on the monitor. "Oooh, not bad," Andie notes, impressed. Jack blinks at the image in a trance. "You're not kidding."
Andie's face lights up. "Jack, did you actually express attraction to a member of the male species?" "What?" Jack says, instantly on the defensive. "Oh, come on! This is completely empirical. I mean, anyone would be attracted to that ... extremely attractive guy."
"I sense a blush," Andie teases. Ignorning her, Jack reads Ben's message off the screen: "'So what do you think?'" Jack turns to his sister like a lost puppy. "He ... he wants to know what I think."
"Okay," Andie nods. "So, you tell him that that you think that he should travel two towns over." Jack shakes his head. "No, I can't do that." "You can and you will." "Andie, come on, this is way, way too fast," Jack insists. (I agree!) "Okay," Andie softens her stance a little. "So, you tell him that you want to meet for coffee. I mean I can go with you, if you want."
Jack rolls his eyes at the idea of his sister chaperoning his 'date.' "Yeah, that will be a lot of fun." Now Andie's exasperated. "Okay, Jack, agree to meet at some very safe, very well-lit public place. I mean, it's not like we haven't done an extensive background check on the guy to know that he's for real."
"Look, I can't, all right?" Jack says quietly. "Look at me, I'm shaking." Andie looks at him pitiously. "Fine, Jack. You're just nervous. Here." She begins typing a reply to Ben's message, reading as the words appear on screen. "'Um, the picture was great. What can I say? Want to meet tonight. For coffee?'" A second later, Ben's reply appears on screen, and both Andie and Jack read it out loud: "'I thought you'd never ask.'"
That night, Jen's back at Screen Play Video again, on the prowl for Pacey, who once again is a no-show. As a result, she's been coerced into helping Dawson hang posters for the store's "Centennial Hitchcock Window Display." (okay, all together now: Film Geek!)
Dawson explains the display needed a woman's touch. "Oh, I suppose that's where Pacey usually comes in, huh?" Jen teases. "No," Dawson replies, "Pacey's usually in the back sleeping while I'm doing this."
Jen laughs, looking out the window, but soon sees something which puts an abrupt end to her amusement. "Well ... maybe he's rediscovered his work ethic." She points out the window at Pacey and Joey walking along Capeside's deserted main drag. "Pacey, two o'clock." A moment later, she adds in surprise, "Is that Joey?" In a flash, Dawson's at the window with her. Jen turns to him. "Dawson, do you have one of those littls signs that says 'Back in 5?'"
A moment later, we see Pacey and Joey actually getting the hang of the dancing thing inside the Starlight Dance Studio. They smile at each other awkwardly, while Jen and Dawson look on, dumbfounded. "Okay," Jen mutters, "So Joey and Pacey are auditioning for Capeside Dinner Theater's version of Strictly Ballroom. Let's get out of here."
"Right behind you," Dawson agrees, but as they start to leave, Penny Pretty or Pretty Penny or whatever the hell the annoying instructor's name is, stops them. "Excellent!" she announces loudly. "Two more young people eager to learn the sophisticated art of ballroom dancing! And people say kids these days have no appreciation for the finer things in life."
"Actually we're not here to dance," Jen explains. "We're looking for some friends," Dawson agrees. Ms. Foxtrot nods enthusiastically. "Okay, good. Well, while you look, you dance, okay? Attention, everybody! Looks like we have yet another set of delightful young people joining our class. Must be something in the air!" The assembled seniors applaud politely as Joey and Pacey stare at their friends in confusion, who stare right back at them in equal confusion, with awkward smiles all around.
A moment later, the two "couples" are dancing near each other. "And what, pray tell, are you two doing here?" Pacey asks Dawson and Jen. "Just enjoying the fine art of ballroom dancing," she replies breezily. The instructor comes back over just then, pleased with Dawson and Jen's dancing expertise. "Didn't I say you two would be naturals? Much better than these two and they've been here all week. You used to date, didn't you?" she asks Dawson and Jen.
Jen frowns. "Uh, not right now, okay?" Penny ignores her. "I'm right, aren't I? You dated, it didn't work out, but then you got past all your issues and now you actually trust each other, right? See, you can see that in the dancing. You can see that the trust is there." Penny nods towards Pacey and Joey. "Now these two, on the other hand, a whole different story. I mean, look at them. Look at their form. Look at the tension in their arms."
Pacey's not impressed with her critique. "Okay, is there some sort of problem here?" "Well, what did I say about rib cages touching?" Penny asks, smiling. Joey shakes her head. "No, sorry." Oblivious to her comment, Penny smiles some more. "Can we do that?" "It's just not gonna happen, all right?" Pacey tells her. Penny nods to Dawson and Jen. "See what I mean? See the hostility, the way they're wary with each other, not to mention the constant bickering and name calling. Now, these two clearly are in the early stages of some screwball mating ritual."
Joey and Pacey's faces register horror and shock. "What?" "Okay, you've got it wrong, lady." Penny smiles. "Really, I do?" "Oh, completely," Pacey informs her with Joey piping up, "Actually, you could not be more wrong." Penny's smile broadens. "There's enough sexual tension here to power a KISS reunion tour. I can't remember the last time I saw dancing this bad."
Dawson's mug probably has the most horror and shock of all. "Wait a minute, just because they can't dance you think that they're --" "Well, it's this theory that I've developed based on years of experience. If people dance that badly, then they're usually hot for each other. The dancing doesn't lie," Penny shrugs, then turns towards the rest of her students. "All right, people! Let's take it from the top!"
At Grams, Andie's decided give her brother some morale support by paying him a pre-date visit; however, the first words out of her mouth do more harm than good. "Is that what you're wearing?" "Good night, Andie," Jack replies sourly. "No, I just like you better in blue," Andie corrects. "I mean, you look fine -- better than fine -- you always look fine, I mean Marky Mark fine --" (eww. Could she not have chosen a better male specimin? I can personally think of hundreds)
"I sense a pep talk coming on," Jack sighs, closing the door. Andie seizes the moment. "Okay, Jack, look. I'm your sister and I love you and your romantic future is vitally important to me, because if I wind up an embittered old maid I'm coming to live with you and your boyfriend." (heh ... I often tell a close gay friend of mine the same thing!)
Jack looks at her, full of self-doubt. "So you're fairly certain that I'm actually gonna have a boyfriend?" "Sure," she tells him gently. He looks uncertain. "It hasn't occurred to you that this whole online thing could be a complete disaster?"
Andie sighs. "Okay, Jack. Worst case scenario: you show up, you meet each other, you hate each other, you drink your moccacinos and you go your separate ways. I mean, that's not gonna happen, Jack. I have a really good feeling about this." "I'm glad someone does," Jack says dourly. Andie tells him there's no need to be nervous, as Ben obviously likes him. He dismisses her assumption by telling her he and Ben he hardly even know each other. "Thus the reason for having coffee," she replies in frustration.
"Andie, this is different," Jack tells her quietly, his eyes growing a bit moist. "This is a whole new level of my life that I don't know if I'm ready for. When I walk through that door and I say hello to this guy, my entire life is gonna be different. I'm not just gonna be telling the world that I'm gay. I'm actually gonna be gay." His sister gives him a sad smile. "Jack, you'll be gay anyway. I mean, if you don't go you'll be gay and without a boyfriend."
Back at the dance studio, Penny instructs her class that they're going to be playing a game of "musical partners," much like the game musical chairs. She begins pairing people up at random, including matches between Dawson and Pacey, and Joey and Jen. The boys look at their teacher, chagrined. "What?" Pacey exclaims. "No, I think you must've made some sort of mistake here --"
You can tell Pacey's beginning to get on Miss Pretty Penny's nerve. "Come on, children. Play nice," she says, her tone a touch menacing. "Okay!" she announces to the rest of the class, "We are going to dance happily, joyously, enthusiastically, because we love to dance! Now when you hear the music stop and I yell switch, I want you to stop dancing and reach for the nearest available partner, all right?"
The music begins and thus does the interrogation. "So, when did you and Pacey discover your mutual love of ballroom dancing?" Jen asks Joey. "Obviously just moments before you and Dawson did," Joey replies evenly.
Cut to Dawson and Pacey. "I can't get over how weird it was to see you in my room the other day. What's going on?" Dawson enquires. "What?" Pacey's face is mock-innocence. "Not everybody's got the dazzling array of electronics available to them in their bedroom that you do."
Dawson decides to push it a bit further. "And that's the only reason that you were in my house when I wasn't there?" "No, no, no," Pacey smiles, "There's always the lure of the Leery kitchen which, I have to say, has kind of lost its lustre in Mitch's reign of terror."
Dawson eyes his best friend critically. "So, what was the condom for?" "What?" "The condom I found in my room," Dawson replies coolly.
"SWITCH!"
Saved by the bell, er ... shout. "Excuse me for a second," Pacey tells Dawson, grabbing Jen and hauling her off to a distant corner of a room where they keep dancing. "We're dead," Pacey says in a panic. "He found the condom." Jen's a little more calm. "I know. I've already talked to him about it. I wouldn't worry."
"Really?" Pacey gulps. "You don't think Dawson's gonna mind that we've been mapping out each other's erogenous zones between his sheets?" Jen shakes her head. "The question's moot. He's not on to us." "He's not?" Pacey echoes. She shakes her head again. "No. Well, at least he's not on to me. He's cast somebody else as the female lead."
The pair of them glance over at Joey, who is now dancing with Dawson. "So, when did you discover your love for ballroom dancing?" Dawson asks her, feigning innocence. "I read about some scholarship that they were having," Joey replies honestly. "And I needed a partner, so --"
"So, why'd you ask Pacey? Why didn't you just ask me?" Dawson questions her, a little hurt. "Pacey came to me first. He needed help with math, I needed help with this," Joey looks at him pointedly. "That's what friends do, Dawson. They help each other." "That's all you guys are is friends?" He sounds mightily relieved. She nods.
"SWITCH!"
Pacey dashes across the room and grabs Joey out of Dawson's arms. "Excuse me, just for a second. I need to talk to you." They begin dancing, a look of confusion on Joey's face. "What is wrong with him?" "Uh, nothing really. It's just ... um ... Dawson seems to think that we're doing it."
"What?!" "Well, you know ... having sex. Getting to know each other in the Biblical sense ... uh --" "Pacey, that's impossible," Joey insists. "And he would never think that." "No, not under normal circumstances," Pacey agrees, "But in this case, I think certain events were perhaps misconstrued --" Joey's eyes narrow suspiciously. "What events?"
"SWITCH!"
Pacey swallows. "Well, I just --" He's stopped short by Dawson, who has broken a world sprinting record to reach the couple and yank Pacey away. "Okay, so do you wanna just tell me what's going on?" he demands, trying awkwardly to dance with Pacey. "It's not what you think, Dawson, not even close," Pacey replies, hoping to sound calm.
Dawson's eyes flash full of anger. "How do you know what I think?" "Well ... because, man ... it's written all over your face, okay?" Dawson's taken a bit aback as Pacey continues. "Yes, me and Joey have been spending a lot of time together recently because we've been here trying to learn how to ballroom dance, and then she's teaching me a little trigonometry." He pauses for a moment, letting the truth sink in. "You know what's much more interesting to me is that of all the possible blonde-and-brunette combinations of women that you and I both know, the first one that popped into your mind is Joey. Now why is that, do you think?"
"Pacey, you're not going to get out of this by attempting to psychoanalyze me," Dawson cautions.. (oh yeah, this coming from the king of psychoanalysis ... a touch hypocritical, dontcha think?) Pacey shakes his head slightly. "I'm just asking a simple question, Dawson. You and Joey -- she's not your girlfriend anymore."
The truth hurts, you can see it flicker across Dawson's face. "You're right, she's not," he replies tightly. "Right. So then, why are we having this conversation?" Pacey asks. "You see where I'm going with this? I mean, you're the same guy who told me a couple weeks ago that the two of you just needed to go your separate ways."
"We do need to go our separate ways," Dawson confirms. "It just never occurred to me --" "That what?" Pacey challenges him. "That she would actually go her separate way, too? Or perhaps it didn't occur to you that her separate way would include a stopover at me, is that what it is? God, man! This is the way it always is with you! You talk and talk, but you don't listen to yourself. You say you're over her, but you're not. They're just words, they don't mean anything to you."
Dawson dismisses his comments. "You don't know what you're talking about." Pacey won't let go, however, and tells Dawson to take a good look at Joey, who is dancing in the background with an older man. "She's a freaking goddess, man. How long did you think it was gonna be before some guy comes along and is interested in her? I mean, really, dude! And when that happens, what are you gonna do?"
"I'm just gonna take it all as it comes," Dawson replies petulantly. "You're gonna take it as it comes," Pacey repeats. "Oh, great. Well perhaps you should start figuring it out right now, because the next guy that comes along is not gonna be your best friend and he's not gonna ask for your permission. The next guy that comes along is gonna take one look at that woman and then just cut right in on you."
In typical Dawson fashion (and this is why I shall feel absolutely zero sympathy for him in the coming weeks when certain new plot developments unfold), he ignores the anvil and two-by-four combination Pacey has just smacked him upside the head with, and retreats back into his cloak-and-dagger world of suspicion and mistrust. "What are you hiding, Pacey?"
Pacey stares at him incredulously, partly because Dawson didn't seem to 'get' what he just said, and partly because his question hit a little too close to home, for a variety of reasons. "What?" "All this analysis of my love life doesn't change the fact that you haven't answered my original question. Why did I find that condom?" Dawson demands. Pacey exhales in disgust. "Why do I bother?"
"SWITCH!"
Pacey storms off in a huff. Jen hurries after him as Dawson and Joey watch, bewildered. Pacey makes it to the coatroom where he pulls on his coat. "God, I don't believe that guy!" he laments. Jen tells him to chill out. Pacey's next comment is something viewers and visitors to various DC Web sites have been commenting on for the whole third season: "Here we are again, though I have to say the storyline is starting to stretch the limits of believability." (hear, hear!)
"Meaning what," Jen blinks. "Meaning," Pacey replies, "that we're two red-blooded American teenagers who, weeks ago, made the enlightened decisions not to keep our bodies to ourselves and what do we have to show for it? Nothing. Nothing. How is that possible? I mean, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure this out and frankly, I'm just drawing a blank."
Jen quietly tells him their lack of sexual progress is for "about a million different reasons." "Really?" he asks. "Do you think you could hit me with a couple so it would make me feel better?" "Okay," Jen sighs, "how about the fact that our mothers teach us to be embarrassed about sex ... or that we live in a country that thinks violence is cool but gets squeamish whenever two people under legal voting age start using the correct terms for each other's body parts?"
Pacey softens a little, and wraps an arm around her. They remain like that for a while, mulling over her words silently, then he moves his face a little closer to hers. "Pacey, is this your not-so-subtle way of telling me that you're ready for a Return to Witch Island?" Jen asks huskily. (which, incidentally, was a pretty good movie, but not as good as the 1978 Disney original) Pacey then whispers the worst line of the entire show --- nay, the season -- nay, the entire series to boot! "Maybe it was the dancing ... or perhaps it's just the romantic setting of this coatroom ... but I am definitely getting that witchy feeling." He leans in to kiss her as I lean over my garbage bin to vomit. Bleargh!
Outside on the mean streets of Capeside (tee hee), Jack reaches the cafe where he's supposed to be meeting Ben for coffee. He looks through the window and sees Ben sitting alone at a table, waiting. Jack looks mightily anxious and places his hand on the doorknob.
Someone else who should have thought twice before proceeding through a door is Dawson. He walks into the coatroom, Joey only steps behind. " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything, but something really strange is going on here. If Pacey's not sleeping with you, he's definitely sleeping with somebody."
He walks around the corner and receives one of the biggest shocks of his life when he comes face-to-face with Pacey and Jen, oblivious to them, in a passionate clinch on the floor of the coatroom. Dawson and Joey's jaws collectively hit the floor in shock. After a moment, they recuperate sufficiently for Dawson break up the romantic moment by asking what is going on.
Pacey and Jen are just as surprised at being discovered as Dawson and Joey are at discovering them. "It's ... nothing, all right?" Pacey tells them. "Yeah, nothing," Jen adds. Dawson smirks at them (and I'd love to hit him right then, what gives him the right?) "Doesn't look like nothing." "Believe me, man, we've done exhaustive research in this area. It's nothing," Pacey insists. Jen adds that she and Pacey are "just friends."
"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" Joey finally finds her voice. "You guys are so stupid. You're both gonna get hurt by this." "Nobody is gonna get hurt by this," Pacey replies. "We both agreed that neither of us have our emotions in it," Jen tells her.
Joey's still disgusted. "And you're proud of that fact?" Jen tries to calm her down. "Joey, we were just messing around." Joey turns to the other male in the group for back-up. "Dawson ..." "They lost me at nothing," he shrugs.
Joey launches into a little rant which provides quite the insight into her character, I think. Firstly, she blames Jen, which shows that though the two girls may be friends superficially, scratch the surface and there's still some sort of resentment there. Secondly, she comes down pretty hard on Pacey, expressing disappointment at his behaviour, which if you think about it, really has nothing to do with her, so why on earth is she getting so riled up? (Answer to come in about five-to-six episodes ...)
"Pacey, this isn't you," Joey says angrily. "I mean, Jen maybe you're trying to prove something to somebody about --" Pacey is quick to jump to Jen's defense. "What? Hey, slow down. This was as much my decision as it was hers, okay?" "So, is that why you named your boat True Love? Because you think it's okay for casual acquaintances or even friends to just, you know, use each other as scratching posts?" Her eyes are blazing.
"I knew you weren't gonna understand," Pacey says quietly. Joey shakes her head contemptuously. "You know what? I understand. I understand just fine." She turns and walks out. Dawson gives Pacey and Jen an apologetic smile and follows her, leaving Pacey and Jen to deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Joey.
"I've never in my life seen somebody so worked up over just a kiss," Jen marvels. Pacey looks at her contemplatively. "I don't think it was just the kiss." Jen asks for clarification, and Pacey tells her he thinks Joey knows about their "arrangement." Pacey's playmate asks how that is possible. "Because I went to her for some hypothetical advice, but when she saw us kissing, I'm pretty sure she figured out that it wasn't so hypothetical," he replies with a sigh.
Jen frowns. "You went to Joey for advice about us?" "Yeah," he nods. "I know, not so smart, huh?" Jen looks a bit hurt. "Smart or not smart, it's just funny you went to her." "Well, I wouldn't say that I went to her," Pacey corrects. "I mean, she just kind of happened to be there. We were studying --"
"Can I ask you something, Pacey?" Jen interrupts. "What is it about her?" "What?" Pacey blinks. Jen sighs. "She's obviously got something that makes boys in emotional turmoil just flock to her." (again, another telling remark which suggests that the Joey/Jen friendship has residual damage beneath the surface -- or unresolved jealousy, at any point)
Confused, Pacey blinks at Jen. "Come again?" "Come on, Dawson's the same way," she insists. "Whatever small problem got to him, he went straight to Joey." "So, who else would you have me talk to?" Pacey asks. "I can't exactly go to Andie with something like this, so I guess I'm supposed to commune with Deputy Doug, then?"
"Dawson," Jen replies calmly. "Why couldn't you just go to Dawson?" (she should have known the answer to that question before she even asked it) Pacey snickers at her suggestion. Jen thinks it over a moment. "Unless, of course, you don't feel comfortable talking to him about your sex life, considering ..." Pacey looks at her. "Considering what?" "That your current Girl Friday used to be his."
"Okay, now correct me if I'm wrong, but Dawson Leery didn't actually know about you and I until ... what, two minutes ago?" Pacey's totally confused, but her comment is crystal clear to the rest of us. "I'm not talking about us," Jen tells him, letting him figure out the implication for himself.
Realization slowly dawns on Pacey's face. "What -- Joey? This has nothing to do with Joey!" he proclaims indignantly. Jen gives him a small smile. "Pacey, I saw the way that you over-reacted to Dawson. I saw the way that Joey over-reacted to us. I know that you're having trouble in math these days, but it doesn't take Einstein to get the sum total of these two over-reactions."
Pacey struggles to come to terms with what Jen has just pointed out. "You're gonna have to explain this one to me because I gotta be missing something here. You're talking about Joey Potter, right? The one who can't walk into the same room with me without gagging. Huh? That Joey Potter? There's nothing going on between us." (who's he trying to convince -- Jen or himself?)
"No, Pacey," Jen says gently. "There's nothing between us. No matter what we do, it's not gonna work out between us." A long silence settles in between them as Pacey accepts the truth. "No ... it's not, is it?" "No," Jen agrees. "Are you disappointed?"
Jack sighs. "Well, they tell me in order to have first date stories you actually have to have a first date." Andie's face falls. "What happened?" Jack looks miserable. "I can't get into this with you. You're just gonna get on me about how I handled it."
Andie tells him that isn't fair. "You're always the one who's scraping me off the concrete. Can't I return the favor?" Sadly, Jack admits he didn't even go into the cafe. "I panicked. I got there, looked through the window and I saw him sitting there, waiting for me," Jack pauses, his eyes welling up with tears. "Then I saw this couple ... this girl and this guy ... and when I saw them, it ... when I saw them, at that moment, I didn't want to be me. I wanted to be them. And I got so upset that I just left. So I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm just not brave enough to walk through the door." (ohhh! Don't you just wanna give him the biggest hug right about now?)
Andie, too, is full of uncried tears for her brother. "Jack, you are so brave," she tells him. "I mean, your entire life you have been nothing but brave." "Not this time," he says sadly. "I mean, I keep taking these baby steps, but I'm not getting anywhere, you know? I'm not getting any braver." (in a different way, I know exactly how he feels ...)
"Don't be so hard on yourself," Andie urges. "I mean, that's what fear is for. It's life's way of telling us that we're not ready for certain things." Jack stares at her. "Aren't you the same girl who spent the past week dragging me kicking and screaming towards my romantic destiny?" "Yeah," Andie nods. "But I know when to push and when not to. It's a little something I picked up from annoyingsister.com." Jack smiles at her. "Anyway Jack, when it's right, you'll know it. And that's when you'll walk through that door. When you're ready."
Cut to Dawson and Joey, walking home from the dance studio. Joey's calmed down somewhat, and Dawson's filling in as the voice-of-reason. "If it makes you feel any better, what happened was inevitable." Joey looks at him in confusion. "What was?" "What we just saw," he replies. "All right, look at it from a storytelling perspective. (oy veh ... always with the cinematic perspective ...) Pacey's brooding, disillusioned, tough-guy persona was destined to collide with Jen's fake sexual bravado. It was inevitable."
Joey gawks at him in disbelief. "Dawson, you're the ultimate romantic! How could you not be more upset about this?" He shrugs. "If Jen and Pacey want to mess around in a coatroom, that's their business." (true enough) Joey shakes her head. "But Dawson, you don't understand whats going on. They made some sort of casual sex pact. They're just using each other."
Dawson tells her everyone is guilty of that, but at least Pacey and Jen are being up front about it. "So, you buy into this whole raging hormones theory? You think it's okay for two people who aren't in love to just let their sexual impulses run wild?" (sometimes ...) "No," Dawson replies as dispassionately as Joey is enraged. "What I'm saying is, if Jen and Pacey made some sort of agreement, I don't think they made it because they wanted sex. I think they wanted comfort."
"I'm sure that's all they were doing in your bed, Dawson. Providing each other with comfort," Joey replies pointedly. He insists it's possible. "It's all you and I ever did." Joey stares at him full of fury, and I wonder how she doesn't haul off and slug him for that incredibly thoughtless, dismissive and wholly untrue comment about their relationship. That's what their entire relationship comes down to, in his eyes? Comfort and familiarity? Well ... feh. Mark my words -- this is exactly why I will have zero sympathy for any of Dawson's anticipated fury and whining come February sweeps. Let him go get his "comfort" elsewhere ...
"Aw, give them a break, Jo," he says. "They're just lonely." Joey's double incensed now -- not just at Pacey's actions, but at Dawson's reactions. "Dawson, being lonely is no excuse to just throw yourself at the first available warm body. I mean, could you sleep with someone that you didn't love?" (she raises a very good point, and I think I'll sidestep that whole minefield by just remaining mute on the subject)
"No," he admits. "And neither could you. But I do understand the impulse." "What impulse?" she asks, not understanding what Dawson is implying. "The impulse to ... to put you hand out and want someone there at the end of your reach ... to want someone to be close to ... to want to kiss or touch, even if it's wrong." (and much as I don't like the smarmy little brat at the moment, he raises a very good point too, so I'm gonna refrain from commenting on this one as well)
Joey stares at him, hard. "That's just it, Dawson. It's wrong. If a kiss is just some purely physical thing, and if there's nothing else behind it, what's the point?" (no comment!) Dawson sighs. "The point is that you can't control those feelings, Jo. Even if they're wrong, they're there ... they're always there. You can understand that, can't you?" (and again, I will call upon you all to remember this very conversation in about a month's time ...)
Suddenly, there's silence. Joey is deep in thought about what Dawson's just said -- his words seem to have struck a chord somewhere. She knows what she must do now, so she excuses herself, explaining she forgot her coat at the studio and has to retrieve it. Dawson bids her good-night with a small, knowing smile.
Inside the dance studio, Joey's found her coat and is about to leave when she sees Pacey sitting alone at a table, observing the rest of the class. Losing her nerve, she keeps walking, but then has a change of heart and goes over to him. He motions for her to sit.
"I forgot my coat," she mutters. He smiles sardonically at her. "Well, yeah, you ran out of there in a bit of a hurry, didn't you?" Joey doesn't answer, so he continues. "Look. If it makes you feel any better, we never actually slept together. I mean, not even close."
Joey shakes her head. "It's none of my business what you guys did or didn't do. I'm sorry I over-reacted." He nods, enjoying this, and comments that she did over-react, didn't she? "Don't act so smug," Joey rolls her eyes. "I'm not saying you're right, or that I approve of what you guys are doing."
"Were doing," Pacey corrects. "I'd say the time limit on the limited time offer has probably run out now." Joey's voice is small. "Oh." "So ... you got your coat. What made you come in here?" Pacey asks her softly.
"Dawson," she replies. "He convinced me to take pity on your poor, misguided, testosterone-impaired self." Pacey cocks an eyebrow at her. "He did that, did he?" "Afraid so," she grins. "Man," Pacey returns the smile. "Guess I owe him another one, huh?" Joey laughs. "You do." Standing up, she pulls Pacey out of his chair. The two are about to leave, when they're accosted by Ginger Rogers herself. "Hey, not so fast, you two!" Penny purrs. "There's a class about to start."
"I think we've done enough dancing for a lifetime," Joey smiles sheepishly, but Pacey shakes his head. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not get too hasty here. We've still got a scholarship to work for, right?" Penny's face screws up into a ball of regret. "Oh, about that scholarship ... things have been kind of tight here at the Starlight."
Joey stares at her in disbelief. "There's no scholarship?" "No," Penny replies quickly. "But what I can offer you is six months of free dance lessons." Joey frowns, but kind of smiles too. "And what would we do with those?" Penny lists off their options. "The cha-cha ... the rhumba ... the merengue ... when you're ready, the tango ... it's the dance of love," she adds hopefully.
"Thanks, but no thanks," Joey smiles. Pacey grins at her. "Come on, think about this for a second, don't be too hasty. We may have found our calling in this dance studio." Joey laughs. "Give it up, Pacey. You definitely were not that good." Their friendship restores (for now), Joey drags Pacey out of Penny Pretty's evil clutches and out into the Capeside night.
Fade to black ...