I did 'chelle's World Enough and Time. Click on the link to the story and you will get a new window. When you're done reading the story, you can resize it and follow along.


My overall impression of this story was a good one. 'chelle has a great knack for setting and atmosphere. Her descriptions of the lake, the forest and the restaurant were beautiful and succeeded in drawing the reader into her world. I'd be interested in reading her original fiction, if she has any. I think she could create some great characters and settings. A future in fantasy writing, perhaps? A female J.R.R. Tolkein, but with an edge?

In our before you post section, we suggested taking out words that don't advance the story. This is a good example of a story containing words that could easily be eliminated. "This mission had not been especially pleasant" could easily have packed a more powerful punch if it had been "this mission had been hard." Then there's the sentence "Kurvan greeted him, 'You are very fortunate to have Master Jinn as your teacher.'" We already know that Kurvan is greeting him. It's unnecessary to tell us. Anyway, if you were to keep that phrase, it would be two separate sentences: "Kurvan greeted him. 'You are very fortunate, etc.'" But the later is merely a grammatical thing and I'm not going to waste your time pointing out everything I would have done differently with the grammar. And word economy isn't a slash aspect. It's just a writing preference of my own. Overall, I enjoyed this story.

However, this story is an example of one of the things that needs to change in slash. The first part of the story is beautiful, describing the interaction between the master and apprentice. I enjoyed the telepathy aspect, the casual banter as they're eating dinner and Obi Wan's nervousness. I was having fun reading it. The build up to sex was good, but when it got there it seemed rushed. It was a bit like "and then he did this, and then he did this, etc." I get the impression that the writer was purposely trying not to do that by the extra mannerisms and thoughts she included, but I think there needed to be more of that. The flow of the sex scene doesn't seem to match the rest of the story. When it got to the sex I skimmed across it. If 'chelle asked me what I thought of the story, I would suggest that she be conscious of keeping the impact of the story all the way through, even paying extra attention when she is writing the sex scene. It almost seems to me that if you took out the sex and made it a kiss, it would have been just as good of a story.

Here is an example of what I feel is a change in rhythm and intensity.

Pre-sex:

The singing was in a language Obi Wan didn't know, but he didn't need to. The singer's meaning was clear enough. Tables dotted the room. The only light seemed to come from the candles on the tables and in various other places along the walls.
Good imagery. I'm liking this. But then during sex:
He released the head and moved downward. He gently cupped Qui Gon's testicles in his hand, Then leaning forward he took one into his mouth. He sucked gently, very gently. Qui Gon whimpered. Obi Wan moved to the other testicle, repeating his actions.

Would I read more of her stuff? Sure. But I would also recommend that she read some really good erotica. If she already reads erotica, I think she should read more of it. She is already a good story teller, but if she wants to continue writing sex I think it would strenghten stories that are already good. There's nothing like reading the sort of stuff you're writing (and I mean Anais Nin, not other slash) to enhance the skill of tempering the story.

I think one of 'chelle's strengths is dialogue. They always say in the publishing industry that you have one sentence - the first one - to grab the reader. If you don't create some sort of suspense, something's wrong. This was a perfect first sentence. "The door closed behind them and Qui Gon spoke, voice still showing signs of strain." What did he say? Why is he strained? All questions that you, as the reader, are curious to see answered. Good stuff.

I could also tell that she put a lot of work into this story, probably taking at least an hour to go through it after she had written it. That's something we always - always - recommend.

Overall CABS grade: B +


Michelle has since e-mailed me and told me she owns almost everything Anais Nin has ever written. I stand corrected.