There isn't much of a plot to the story, but it's enough to make the story interesting. A plot doesn't necessarily have to involve twists and turns and a surprise ending. A plot can be as simple as two people having dinner. A woman running to catch her bus. Two Jedis playing an erotic food game. The story is short, so few plot details are necessary. We don't know where they are, we don't know how they got there, and it doesn't matter. It's a scene, not a novel, and that's okay.
Her description of the passion between the two characters is beautiful. I can feel their hearts beating, can hear their heavy breathing, can see every move they make. Most of the story is a wonderful example of showing, not telling. This is one of my favorite paragraphs:
This time, no words were needed. Their connection was pulsing with power, the Force flowing through them, magnifying their want, their most complicated obsession, the wishes of their souls. Obi-Wan reached for his Master and found him near, and they locked together effortlessly, softness to hardness, seeking and finding, crystal beauty and midnight darkness, until Qui-Gon pulled away, his breath ragged.She does slip up a few times, though, as in the sentence, "Qui-Gon wrenched the shirt off his apprentice, leaving no doubt about his state of mind, and ran his hands down the exposed skin..." His state of mind has been obvious throughout the story; there's no need to state that there is no doubt regarding it.
One weakness of the story is that it is overwritten. I hesitate to call this a weakness, however, because it is better to write too much and have to trim than to not write enough. Phrases such as "self-assured confidence," "athletic, handsome torso," and "beautiful, familiar face" can all be trimmed and made more powerful. Sometimes the overwriting is distracting, and it detracts from the story; it's like she's trying to shove the impressions down the readers' throats. Keep in mind, less can be more, and the subtle can be more telling than the blatant. Never underestimate the power of subtlety.
Destina also appears to suffer what is often referred to as "fear of 'said.'" That is, although there is a significant amount of dialogue between the two characters, she almost never uses 'said' after the dialogue. Instead she uses "urged," "acknowledged," "mumbled," "murmured," "growled," "panted," and "confirmed." Sometimes these work, most times they don't. "'Yes,'" Qui-Gon acknowledged" is repetitive because the word "yes" is his acknowledgement. Ditto for "'Yes,' Obi-Wan confirmed..."
When she does use 'said,' she ornaments it with "smugly," "huskily," etc. Don't be afraid to use 'said' alone, and don't be afraid not to tell us who said what every time. If there are only two people talking, it should be fairly obvious who is speaking when, even without writing "said So-and-So" after every piece of dialogue.
Overall, I enjoyed this. It was a fun little deviation from the norm. Excellent descriptions, though occasionally overbearing. Good tension and good job sustaining the tension through to the end. Could have used a more thorough editing session, though.
Overall CABS grade: C+