CABS Awards 2000


They came, they saw, some of them kicked ass and some of them...well, tried really hard. Behold, the good, the bad and the ugly of Slash 2000.

It is important to note that these awards (minus the ones where I lavish praise on a site, author, archive, etc.) are intended to be humorous and tongue in cheek. They are by no means a comprehensive snapshot of the year in slash, instead observations and recommendations I have gathered during my multifandom journeys. They are the opinions of one person, and if you want to flame me for them, you have ample opportunity to do so via e-mail or message board. You will also notice there is no "worst author" category, as I believe there are no bad writers, only bad stories, bad grammar and insane plot devices.


Best fandom
Star Wars

With the exception of some very misguided Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon pregnancy fic, the best writers still seem to be into Star Wars, both the original trilogy and The Phantom Menace. Perhaps they are the offspring of the original Star Trek slash writers. It's not that there aren't stories in the fandom that suck, because there are. This is not helped by the fact that the Episode One community has gotten so big that Master and Apprentice has nearly 1,000 members. But there is still a core of writers, as well as some exciting newbies, who are thoroughly, unabashedly entertaining.

Accepting this award on behalf of the fandom should be Sockii, leader of the Master and Apprentice mailing list who has managed to moderate a list of a thousand without pulling a List Owner God Complex. There are also a couple of great OT archives that are definitely worth a peek: SWAL (Star Wars Adult List) and Elusive Lover, the digital counterpart to the EL paper zine.


Worst fandom
Wrestling fic

You can only see Mick Foley with blood and gore clogging his nostrils for so long before you come to the conclusion that he is just not sexy. The fiction in this fandom tends to be so schmoopy that the boy band writers would find it too saccarine, and yet it's about guys who bash each other with chairs. It's not that this is a horrible fandom, or that the fic here is necessarily bad. There is a lot of perfectly fine wrestling fic out there. The fandom just needs to come into its own a little.

I present this award, for posthumous acceptance, to Owen Hart, the wrestler who was suspended on a wire above a stadium before he did a face plant and died.


Most surprisingly good fandom
'N Sync

Don't laugh until you've read it. Rather than being a bunch of giggling 13 year olds, there are some actual adult women and men who get off on the idea of Justin Timberlake (or Ryan Phillippe, I can never remember which) and friends getting down and dirty with each other. Granted, there are some very young people in the fandom who have yet to master high school English, but on the whole the 'N Sync lists are pretty good reading. Unlike other communities, the 'N Sync world is not packed to the gills with hardcore slashers - most of them seem to be new blood - so the fandom politics are kept to a minimum, at least in most cases, give or take a List Owner God Complex incident. They're also pretty creative. Joey beats up JC in a remote cabin before JC stands in the rain, arms outstretched, and cries out "You care!" Lance has autism and calls JC over to check out the bloody corpse on his couch. This fandom will last as long as the band does. You may now insert your own joke about the shelf life of a boy band here.

I present this award to every boy band member who is working that homoerotic chic, which is all of them. Next time you see them on TV, take a good look. They have that look in their eyes like they're longing for a nice big...microphone.


Fandom with the most gumption
The Sentinel

The show is off the air, no one can remember who starred in it and not many people watched it in the first place, but The Sentinel fandom just keeps on plugging. I would estimate it to be at least the size of the Buffy fandom, which is for a show that is still on the air, has a gay relationship and is actually good. They just keep coming up with new story ideas, working that same pairing, doing their thing. I've read some huge stretches, like one where Jim and Blair head to the carnival and see a unicorn. That's so nice.

I present this award to Rachael Sabotini, one of my favorite Sentinel writers, who also wins the award for the person who has her name mispelled the most.


Best new fandom
X-Men

I'm sure there was X-Men slash before that was based on the comic, but the movie seems to have drawn the slash writers out in droves to write about Cyclops and Wolverine. There's even a list for Xavier (Patrick Stewart in his second major slash appearance) and Magneto (Ian McKellan). The latter is magnetic, which brings to mind all kinds of slash jokes. Close second: Roswell, which has turned out some very nice femme slash.

I present this award to Halle Berry, because it's the only award she's going to get for her portrayal of Storm in that movie.


Fandom on the biggest downward spiral
Oz

Don't get me wrong, Oz is good enough that I almost listed it "best fandom," but the latest season did nothing to help the throng of already ardent Beecher/Keller fans out there. This season, Beecher kissed Keller's bullet wound, and Beecher cried on Keller's shoulder when his kids were kidnapped. Hurt/comfort extravaganza! But there was so much emphasis on Beecher/Keller in the fandom that too many of the writers let some perfectly good opportunities pass without even frisking them. Said and Adebissi were pod mates. Alvarez escaped from jail and could very well have shown up on anyone's doorstep for some refugee sex. To all the Beecher/Keller fans out there, try writing something different. I dare you.

I don't know who to present this award to, but Shug, archivist and former Emcity moderator, took one for the team.


Most disappointing fandom
Queer As Folk

With a show like QAF, the possibilities are so endless. There is sex, drugs, clubs, past lovers who could show up on the doorstep. The crossover possibilities alone are tantalizing. But QAF writers stick mostly to Stuart and Vince, and that's unfortunate.

I present this award to Russell Davies, or is that Russell Crowe? Regardless, they were both involved in a homoerotic story line this year, although only one shagged Meg Ryan.


Most improved fandom
Velvet Goldmine

For a long time this fandom was almost notorious for the amount of shit it could churn out, but the throng of Ewan McGregor-crazy Phantom Menace fans came running and have added some structure. The only annoying thing is that TPM fans seem to think they started it. The movie is out on video now, more people are writing about it and the long-time VG authors are maturing. Now there are some genuinely good stories there.

I present this award to Connie, owner of the prettyboysunlimited list, who has yet to be involved in a List Owner God Complex incident.


Most puzzling fandom
Harry Potter

Huh? Do you guys realize that the kid is, like, 10?


Best story
Beautiful Whore by Matthew Haldeman-Time

I don't care what you think of real person slash. I don't care what you think of the Backstreet Boys. I don't care if your definition of hell would be to spend a year strapped to a chair listening to the Boys' new "Black and Blue" album. You need to read this story. It is far and away the most interesting thing I've read this year. It's the sort of gem you find after muddling through archives of mediocre fiction and makes you want to dance with the dog. It's the sort of story that makes you want to become best friends with the author. It's the sort of story that makes you want to log off the Internet as quickly as possible, whip open Microsoft Word and write something of your own. It's the sort of story you wish you wrote.

"Beautiful Whore" defies what would normally make the perfect story for me in many ways, such as the fact that it's a series and I usually don't have time to read a series. But each story and break is necessary, each bit of imagery poetic and descriptive and downright sexy. It's erotic long before it talks about dicks and asses. Its use of parallel sentences and repetition is hypnotic. It's full of symbolism and subtle gems that show that the person behind it thought this through carefully and created his world aptly. When you combine it all, you have something that makes you sad, happy and horny before you even realize what's happening to you.


Worst story
Socks, Booties and the Pooh Effect by Kiba and Oz

...a Miami Vice pregnancy fic. Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs have a baby. They should have named it Jan Hammer. This pair of authors get extra points for using a completely lame and outdated show. But it could have been worse. It could have been Don Johnson and Cheech Marin from Nash Bridges. You know, it's not that the story is horribly written, and they warn you at the beginning that it requires suspension of disbelief. But any humor or camp that could have been derived from it was killed when the story got so big that they had to start dividing the series parts into "book one," "book two," etc. Any talent shown in the story is overridden by the digitally manipulated images of Don Johnson holding stuffed animals. As the BTS once said, further mocking would be extraneous. This story also wins in the category of "Best Reason to Drink Heavily Before Surfing the Net."


Most aptly-titled story
Humiliation by Grace Fonseca. (Buffy/Oz)

Not only is the story...uh, questionable...but Grace has taken a beating from most of the Buffy-oriented badfic sites out there, including this one. Yet she keeps going, which is good, because deep down, I think everyone should write.


Most original story
Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific by Woodinat (Buffy)

Xander watches Angel sleep, admires his hair and thinks "Gee, I'd like to stick that up my ass." Rating: NC-17. A close second is Jet's The Taco Hellmouth from the same fandom. A kid working at Taco Bell watches Angel and Xander bicker over what to order, then the floor opens up and becomes the mouth to hell. I've never thought the food was that bad.

Note: A downside to biting off more than you can chew is that you frequently fuck up and get confused. In this case, I got two stories confused. I originally identified this story as Nancy-Boy Hair Gel by Kate Bolin, when it was in fact "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific" by everyone's favorite Small Woodinat Creature. I apologize to all of the parties involved. I deserve to be tarred, feathered and subjected to various forms of torture devised during the Spanish Inquisition.


Most improved author
Hephaestion

This is despite his horribly misguided and totally disgusting ScullyKink series. He seems to have mellowed out lately, and with it came a nice dose of subtlety, more gentle introspection than loud sex scenes. In the X-Files camp, his stories are getting better, at least the ones where he writes about men. But the real improvement shows in his stories that take place in ancient times with Alexander the Great. Like him or hate him, he brings a lot of new ideas to the table and you have to give him credit for that. Also, somewhere along the line he became the badfic poster boy to many people (and if you don't believe me, check out his guestbook), and yet he has continued undaunted.


Best author
Matthew Haldeman-Time

I know I should have picked two different authors for "best story" and "best author," but I don't care. Matthew's site has slash from 17 fandoms (most noteable are Due South and Buffy) and four boy bands. On the front page it says "quality may vary," and he's right, but who among us can boast a flawless arsenal of slash? When he's good, he's really, really good, and when he's bad, he's still pretty good. He experiments with different techniques, and even if the experimentation doesn't work for you 100%, you have to admire his efforts and his imagination. I found that his boy band stories hit the mark more often than his Buffy and Due South stories, and it has nothing to do with my personal interests because I'm into all three. But it was all fun, which is why there are some corners of the Internet where you can't walk 10 feet in any direction without finding someone who is linking to or recommending Matthew's site.

My favorite Due South story was Obsession. I also liked The Good Stuff, a Usual Suspects fic. Rim Shot and its sequel, "Cheap Shot," are punches in the gut. Actually, just head to his summary page, where the stories are divided into lists by character, sexual fetish and length. If you want depth and eroticism, you need to read Beautiful Whore, which I read not one, not two, but three times in a row. Its companion piece, Borders, manages to be intriguing and a PWP, especially in light of "Beautiful Whore." Speaking of PWP, I Need You Tonight is an 'N Sync story that melts in your mouth, experimenting with different points of view after a cute little argument scene in the studio in which JC Chasez tells Justin Timberlake "you're as blond as I am." Even if you only have a minute, read the third part, You. It's hot enough to make your vision blur, and it's probably the closest to a perfect sex scene I've found in slash or original fiction, published or not. "I stroke your prostate and watch you start to do a slow full-body writhe, your mobile dancer's grace showing itself once more." Jesus Christ on a bike. In any fandom, he can slash the same couple eight times in a row and come up with new and interesting characterizations for them each time.

It's gorgeous sex mixed with Kevin Smith-style dialogue and endless original plots, combined with Matthew's sincere thirst for improvement and honest feedback, that makes me think Matthew will just keep getting better and better and run us all out of business, because no one will visit anyone else's site anymore. Someone stop me. I'm gushing all over the place. And to all you anti RPS-ers, don't let the RPS turn you off. There's something there for everyone.

Just go read. Head to his summary page and take your pick. I mean it. Get the hell out of here and go read. Now.


Most misrepresented character
Fox Mulder/Curt Wild (tie)

I don't know why, but everyone seems to write Fox Mulder as a cute little homemaker bedding down with either Krycek or Skinner. They kiss constantly and call each other "baby." They have Christmas together and trim the tree. Fox Mulder is an FBI agent who has dedicated his life to tracking down aliens. He is single-minded in his obsession. Having an aquarium filled with fish is as domestic as he gets. What is it about him that screams "house husband" to you? The same tactic is often applied to Curt Wild, he of the heroin and methadone addiction whose first reaction to every situation is to give the finger. He is also commonly seen calling people "love" and using words like "shagging." He is not fucking British.


Best butchering of a real person
Nick Carter (Backstreet Boys)/Britney Spears

The great thing about boy bands is that anything you write about them could be true. By association, any celebrity who makes it into a boy band story is similarly open for interpretation. Nick Carter, otherwise known as the cutest BSB, takes top honors for the real person most often portrayed as a righteous bastard whose ego enters the room before he does. There are dozens of stories out there that have Nick as conceited, short-tempered and in need of constant praise lest he think he is no longer the fairest one of all. This is doubly true for Britney Spears, who unwittingly entered the slash fray by dating the cutest member of 'N Sync. Britney is usually portrayed as a limelight-loving bitch who gets in the way of the homosexual relationship in the process of blossoming. (This is also known as the Buffy Syndrome.) Next up: Nick Carter as the fur-coat-wearing pimp who sends Britney, the two-bit crack whore, to the wrong side of town.

These stories also fit into the "most believable characterization" category.


Good sport award
Lady Farcly

Not only did I do a rather scathing critique of her story The League, but I e-mailed her and told her that some of the internal links on her site were broken, her font wasn't showing up and that she forgot the "n" in "Goldmine." She e-mailed me back thanking me when she could have rightfully torn me a new asshole.


The "Big overture, little show" award
The Bad Fanfiction Terror Squad

The Bad Fanfiction Terror Squad came out of the gate in September, warning people to "be afraid. Be very afraid." They did harsh but very amusing critiques of Buffy stories, as well as reprinting some Bad Buffy critiques without permission. They pissed off so many people that their detractors started a cheesy "Fight Flames with Love" campaign to stop them. Then they never updated again. And speaking of that....


The "Misguided attempt" award
Fight Flames with Love Campaign

They started a campaign to get people to mail encouragement to all of the authors targetted on the Bad Fanfiction Terror Squad site. It spawned a message board, a whole alliance of Buffy fanfic sites and a bad mailbomb containing Radiohead lyrics to the BTS mailing list that was sent from eGroups. Check out the phreaks and hacks on that one. (As an addendum, I had a small conversation with the campaign manager, Dreamer, on the message board. It explained things a little more.) Which brings us to....


The "Bad Taste" Award
Nicolette

This is also related. Nicolette Marquise McFadgen, a heavy hitter in the Buffy fandom who co-moderated the Whiteknight Angel/Xander list, was targetted by the BTS group, who said the direction she was going in was annoying and that her characterization didn't resemble any of the Buffy characters they knew. (They also said that she should be strapped to a chair and receive an electric shock whenever her characterization headed in an unreal direction.) Nicolette removed her site and put up a notice that she'd killed herself. People freaked out until they realized that she hadn't, in fact, killed herself. (To her credit, the message sounded a bit tongue in cheek, but never overestimate the wit of people on the Internet.) She then replaced it with a long letter saying that she was tired of being picked on, she was quitting the fandom and that the Foremothers of Fandom would be ashamed. Then someone who seemed to know an awful lot about her showed up on the BTS mailing list, saying she didn't care about Niccy one way or another, but she felt someone oughta defend her. It's wise to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but it's also wise to be subtle about it. The whole thing, from the original BTS post to the sock puppet on the mailing list to the arguments on the regular Buffy lists defending her honor, was just a mess.

An honorable mention was Hephaestion writing a story in which one character shoots another in the head and dedicating it "to my ex-boyfriend and his new lover." Oooookay.


Best overall slash site
Slashcity

Slashcity provides affordable, reliable web hosting for just about every kind of slash site. A simple trip to the index page will show you that there is a huge wealth of knowledge and entertainment stored on the sites there. If the Slashcity server ever went down, half the slash world would collectively soil itself. The main site itself and the hosting options have been upgraded by leaps and bounds this year. It's a necessary resource for all of us.


Best archive
Unconventional Relationshippers

It's clean, it's easy to navigate (without using frames) and it's easy on people with dial up connections. Works for me. It's also the pioneer of Buffy fic archives, and this year Kate got her own domain.


Best resource
Minotaur's Sex Tips for Slash Writers

The more Minataur gets laid, the better our slash gets. And I like any gay sex guide that comes with pictures.


Most annoying trend
Intentional bad fic

Yeah, I'm going to spend my time reading that. There's enough of the genuine article out there.


Best trend
All the boy authors

It may not be a trend, but I have noticed more of them lately than I ever have. Matthew Haldeman-Time! Jet! Brian! Hephaestion! Eric and Rocky! Everyone at the Male Writers Archive!

Okay, okay, okay. We had James Walkswithwind here and I have since been informed that James is female. But I never said she was a new writer.


Best guilty pleasure
The Nifty archive

The Nifty archive is the site everyone insults in public but keeps in their bookmarks. Never, ever in my entire life have I had the displeasure of seeing so much shit in one place. The stories that are slashed there fall into the realm of places you just should not go, no matter how much your muse begs you - Jim Walsh from Beverley Hills 90210, Full House, Home Improvement. The real person slash reads like the notebook of a 13-year-old chronic masturbator - Matthew Lawrence and that annoying guy who used to date Jennifer Love Hewitt getting it on after a photo session, 18-part Mary Sues about Ryan Phillippe (or Justin Timberlake, I can never remember which). You have to dig for hours through the worthless metal to find a gem. And yet it's entertaining in the same way Showgirls or anything starring Pamela Lee is entertaining. It's so bad that it's fun. And if nothing else, you can go there, read the stories and tell yourself with relative assurance that at least your stuff isn't that bad.


Best bad slash site
Godawful Star Trek Fan Fiction

"I've seen some pointless shit in my time, but this takes the cake. Imagine Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First?" routine in script form. Now cross out Abbot and Costello and write in Kirk and Spock instead. Why? Good Question!"


Best CABS flame

"You're pukes, but at least you're honest pukes."


Words most commonly mispelled on the CABS site
Krycek/Vecchio (tie)

Alex Krycek. Ray Vecchio. Alex Krycek. Ray Vecchio. Krycek. Vecchio. Krycek. Vecchio. We are deeply mortified.


Most overused CABS flames
You're 12/where's your fic/hypocrite stance/site poorly written (four-way tie)

1. "I don't expect you girls to understand, seeing as you're 12."
2. "Where's your fiction? I bet it sucks."
3. "As a published writer, I find your claims to be published writers offensive and tacky."
4. "I find it laughable that you're slamming the work of hard-working writers when the grammar on your site is laughable at best."

For the record, our writing can be found on the bathroom stall doors in your favorite drinking spot.


Most democratic award system

That's a trick question. There aren't any. Stop getting your friends to vote for you.

These awards, by the way, were completely undemocratic, based entirely on opinion and observation and not at all on fact. In fact, your findings could be the complete opposite. Maybe Star Wars sucks, the Nifty authors are in Best New Gay Erotica and "Socks, Booties and the Pooh Effect" is the greatest story ever written.

But I doubt it.

If you won something here, or just want to pretend you did, please feel free to take this home with you:





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