bby Samantha Bueller
LINT
SCULLY (S): Mulder, I'm worried.
MULDER (M): But -- but -- WHY?!?!
S: Well, you see, I've only got one type of shoe.
M: What?!?!
S: The only kind of shoe I wear is leather flats!
M: But I've seen you in heels and sneakers!
S: Forget that. It's all in your head.
M: Or in yours.
S: In any case, I've only got two pairs of shoes.
M: What's wrong with two pairs of shoes? I'VE only got two pairs of shoes!
S: NO! I've seen you in heels and sneakers!
M: VERY funny. Ha ha ha. In any case, why are you so worried?
S: Because I'm running out of matching outfits. And my shoes keep getting eaten by that green stuff.
M: You mean you only buy outfits that will match your two pairs of shoes?!?!
S: You're a little clueless, Mulder.
M: So what are you tryin' to say?
S: Get a clue. In any case, we're going to buy shoes.
M: (weeps) NOOOOOO!!!!! Not shoes!!!! I've been Shang-Haied again into doing your feminine duties!!
S: But you've never been forced to do them before!
M: Not true. I've been sent to the store for your hygiene many a time!!!!
S: WHAT?!?!
M: I had to buy liquid painkillers to slip in your drinks cuz your PMS was pissing me off.
S: WHAAAAAT?!?!?!??!
M: UM I mean ... um ... er ... ah ... let's go.
S: Harumph. I can't believe you'd do that. Hiding things from me like that! Evil!
M: Do you want me to go shopping with you or not?
S: (sighs) Trapped in a corner on that one.
M: See how it feels? Now I've got to go shopping with you. In the spotlight. Losing my religion.
S: I am not amused by references to popular music.
M: I am not amused by references to popular monarchies.
S: I'm raising my eyebrow at you like any Ancient Roman in their right mind would.
M: An Ancient Roman?!?! I thought their empire fell because of lead poisoning that made them all go mad.
S: SHUT UP. WE'RE GOING TO BUY SHOES, DAMMIT!!
M: (sniffle) Okay mommy.

MAIN TITLE
1– (TITLE THEME)

SFX: Car.
S: Should we go to Pay Less or to Hush Puppies?
M: Hush Puppies??! That's where I go.
S: OK, we'll go to Pay Less.
M: Ew, they have cheap shoes there.
S: Hence "PAY LESS." You think I can buy fancy shoes on a fed's salary?! Do you know how un-frugal our government is?!?!?!?!
M: DUH. I work for them also.
S: So let us head in that direction, Foxy Baby.
M: Answer me a couple questions.
S: 'Tay.
M: One. Why can't you go shoe shopping by yourself? You're a big girl now.
S: (sniffle) Because I ... I LOVE you Mulder!
M: Which segues into question two. FOXY BABY?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
S: Ja, meinen Lieb.
M: Oh, ruhe with your German shiznit! Hasn't that damn German love hormone
worn off yet? If I tried to come on to you that way you'd file a sexual harassment lawsuit!!!!
S: Ja, es ist weg, aber ich eben liebe dich, und ich will dich Ärger geben! (maniacal laughter)
M: (hyperventilates) Eeeeeeeh, hilf!

TINKLE
2– (EXTREMIS(QATTARA REMIX) -- HAL)
S: OK. Here we are at Payless ... now I hafta find my shoe size.
M: Goodee! Then I'll know how big your feetsies are!
S: Uh ... Mulder. Go sit in the corner. Play with the toys. Go pick out some socks. Get me some peds. Check out shoes for yourself. Ask the cashier if they accept Visa. Are you taking notes?!?!?!
*silence*
M: (Ralph-like) My cat's name is Mittens.
S: WHAT?!?!?!?!
M: I like cornflakes.
S: Explain yourself.
M: (sad and pitiful) I -- I think you confused my little brain!
S: Good! Now sit in the corner and drool! Or is that too hard?
M: Yes, mommy.
SFX: Footsteps diminish.
S: OH-kaaay, let's see. What kinda cheap shoes they got here?
M: (runs in screaming) SCULLY! It's horrible!
S: Sshh!! Don't make a scene!
M: (sniffle) There's an alien substance in the corner!
S: You just drooled! It's OK!
M: No, it's -- it's pink! It's green! ... It's pink and green!
S: (annoyed) Let's go investigate.
*footsteps*
M: See? Green alien blood dried to the carpeting!!!!
S: (sniffs) MULder. That's kiwi-lime slurpee remnants. Don't you see the empty slurpee container propped up over there?
M: That doesn't explain those tiny fuzzy pink creatures from outer space.
S: MULder, it's LINT!!!!!!!!!!
M: Sure, you'd come to such a rational conclusion. But my trained eye can see that those little hairy fibers are part of an intelligent extraterrestrial life form.
S: WAIT a sec. They're -- they're twitching! And ... what's that noise?! SQUEAKING! Noooooo!!!!
SFX: squeaks
M: SCUL-ly. You're hallucinating.
S: NO, LOOK!
M: I see lint. What are you high on?
S: (beat) Kiwi-lime?
M: You shouldn't be huffing kiwi-lime, foxy lady.
S: But it was candy green, Foxy baby! I HAD to!
FROHIKE(F): Hey, Foxy baby, what's goin' on?
M: Frohike! I didn't know you cared!
F: No, I was talkin' to the Foxy LAY-dee.
S: (sobs) Nnnnggllllooook! I'm hallucinating! Tell me the truth, Frohike --
F: Oh, you can’t HAN-dle the truth, BAY-bee!
S: (hushed) Are those lint balls twitching and squeaking?
F: Mmmno.
S: (squealy) WAAAAAH!!!!
M: Hey, Frohike, I didn't know you shopped at Pay Less.
F: I'm not shopping. I'm investigating.
S: Investigating ... the lint from outer space?!??!?!?!?!?! That feeds off of kiwi-lime slurpees?!?!?!?!??!?!
F: Mmmno. The lojack on your car indicated you were at Pay Less, and I
wondered what the hell you were doin'. Certainly such a high-class lady like you wouldn't be caught dead shopping at a place like this. You should shop at Hush Puppies like me!!!!
M: SEE Scully?! I TOLD you!!!! THAT'S IT! I'm goin' to jail.
S: Wha?????
M: I mean ...
S: THAT'S it, I'm goin' to a different shoe store.
F: Fox baby, you KNOW you're not supposed to explode your head!
S: Yeh, Moose and Squirrel will catch you!!!!
M: I'm sorry! WAIT a sec. Frohike, did you sniff the kiwi-lime?!?!
F: (sniffle; sadly:) Yeh.
M: Now you're hallucinating too! Now we're all --
CLERK(C): I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask all of you to leave before I call the police.
F: WHY?!?!?!
C: We can't have trippin' out feds next to slurpees and twitching lint organisms!
S: MOMmeeee, I wanna goh-ta hell!
M: WAIT a second, did you say they're twitching?!?!
C: (crazily) YEEESS, like the carpet fibers and dandelions growing out of the CEI-ling!!!!!!!
M: AHHHHH! That's it! This Pay Less is quarrantined! I was against this in the first place, dammit.
S: The GLITTER berries! The GLITTER berries!
M: Since when do you watch MTV, Foxy lady?
S: Same time YOU started watchin' MTV, Foxy baby.
F: The BRITISH are coming, the BRITISH are coming! Augh!
C: (quietly) Noodle?
M: Your mom's carpet is a noodledang! I mean boodledang! I mean national security breach!
F: The POWER rangers are coming! The POWER rangers are coming!!!!!
S: Saké!
C: I smell incest burning!
DEEP, TREMBLING VOICE (DTV): Now that they are completely insane from the so called SLURpee fumes, us lint monsters can take over the world!
M: I'm not insane.
DTV: How can you hear me?
M: I didn't inhale any fumes.
DTV: But you're behaving so irrationally!
M: DUH, that's how I ALways behave! Now to join my friends in their game of ring-around-the-rosie!
*ring-around-the-rosie in the background*
DTV: (sigh) Maybe we underestimated this planet. They have sick, twisted
nursery rhymes based on sadistic incidents and world-devastating plagues. But we can still take them over.
M: Not so fast. If you're truly lint monsters, you'll burn!
DTV: Hah hah hah, your puny little earthling lighters don't scare us!
SFX: Repeated clicking of a lighter that doesn't work
DTV: A-HA! We DIDN'T underestimate earth!
M: Scully, do you have a light?
S: (sensually) Anything for you, Foxy baby.
M: HA! See, there's a flame. . . . Why aren't you burning!!!!!! Dammit!
DTV: Because we're not truly lint monsters, you human dweeb!
M: (sob sob sob) Hey Frohike, got any alcoholic beverages on you?
F: DO I?! Any thong -- oops, Freudian slip. Anything for you, Foxy baby!
M: I'll just dump alcohol all over this lint, and --
SFX: WHOOSH!
C: Fire! In my store! ... Psychadelic.
F: Maybe Jerry Garcia will appear in the flames!
S: A true phoenix.
C: River Phoenix?
F: Hendrix! Hendrix! (ad nauseam)
S: Fox, make it burn MORE! This pyre is not worthy enough for all the celebrities we're trying to resurrect. Er, conjure. ... No, resurrect.
M: Whatever.
SFX (whoosh, ad nauseam)
S/F/C: Ah-ooh! Hendrix! Hendrix! Joplin! Joplin! (continue to scream dead celebrities' names)
DTV: Ah! We've got to employ the locomotive equipment! Go go gadget LEGS!
M: So where are you going?
DTV: To another Pay Less. We can only take over the world from the center of evil and villainy in America.
M: Oh, you want either the nation's capitol building or Michael Jackson's ranch ... or Bill Gates's mansion or maybe Linda Tripp's house ...
DTV: Thanx for the tips, Mr. Mulder.
M: How do you know my name? HOW?!?!
DTV: We're omniscient, Mr. Fox William Mulder Baby. We can also see into your wallet.
M: AH.
SFX: Spaceship noises.
M: Ooh, there go the extraterrestrial creatures.
*the chanting suddenly stops*
S: Mmm--mulder ... what happened?
M: You mean ... you didn't see it?
S: No.
M: DAMMIT! ONCE again you're somehow incapacitated and miss the alien spaceship. It ALways happens that way. (sob sob sob)
S: I seem to remember Jerry Garcia ... and Janis Joplin ... and Jimi Hendrix ...
F: So do I.
C: So do I!!!!
M: You were all hallucinating on kiwi-lime slurpee fumes.
S: No Mulder, I think YOU were hallucinating and you THOUGHT you saw aliens. You're the world's greatest TRIP-master.
M: ME?!?!?! YOU'RE the one who's been on these weird hormones for the past week and just got drunk and high on fumes planted by the aliens.
F: RIGHT Mulder. Even I don't believe this one.
C: FIIIIRE!

TINKLE

SFX: fire engines and the sound of fire fighters working (murmurs)
S: Gee, that got to be one really huge blaze...
M: Right. But now the evil alien lint monsters are gone.
S: Any ideas of where they might be?
M: ... uhh... i kinda... gave them some suggestions...
S: Rudolph Redner’s basement I hope.
M: Uhhh... not quite. HURRY! GET IN THE CAR!
S: Mulder? Why?
SFX: car doors slamming, car starting
M: We’ve gotta get to the capitol building and QUICK!
S: The capitol building??? Warum???
SFX: car speeding
M: That’s one of the suggestions i gave the monsters. Y’see, they have to start their reign of destruction from “the center of evil and villainy in America”!
S: Oh, I see.
M: And if they’re not there, we have to check Michael Jackson’s place, Bill Gates’s mansion, or Linda Tripp’s house.
S: No wait! Look! That other PayLess store! People are running out of it and screaming as if there were evil alien lint monsters inside.
M: *beat* Naw... the super-sale’s over.

TINKLE

Bill Clinton: (sad and profound sounding) Oh, it’s ever so lonely here in
the capitol building... no one ever wants to talk to me. Especially about my feelings... I need to rant... I dunno what’s come over me lately. Ever since I went out to that STRIP CLUB the other night, I’ve just been feeling so . . . confused. ...About my sexuality... (starts to recite children’s prayer about sexuality) Jesus, life at times can be so difficult, especially now that I’m growing up... One area of difficulty is my sexua---- hey, what’s that green slurpee doing spilled all over the rug???
DTV: Talking over the world.
BC: mm... It smells good. ...Uh oh, that voice in my head’s talking to me again!
DTV: mmmwAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
SFX: door busts open
S: special agents Scully and Mulder sir! DON’T SNIFF THE SLURPEEEEEE!!!!
BC: What the heck are you freaks talkin’ about!
DTV: Oh no! It’s that Agent Mulder fellow again! What the heck is his problem?
M: Mr. President sir, that slurpee is laced with a hallucinogenic substance!
BC: Um.
S: Please, sir, there are ... ENTITIES wanting to take over the world and they’re starting here! Don’t test their power!
BC: Okay. I’m goin’ home.
SFX: Footsteps fading.
DTV: Damn you, agents! I almost had him!
M: Serves you right! Trying to control innocent people! Well, okay, not INNOCENT, not even by a long shot. But that’s beside the point.
DTV: We WILL take over the world eventually, Mr. Mulder! Just you wait and see. Yeh, that’s it, that’s the ticket. Go go gadget SPACESHIP!!!!
SFX: Spaceship zooming away.
M: (all macho-ed up) Yeh, we sure told them, yeh, serves ‘em right, yeh, yeh ...
S: UmMulder.
M: What is it.
S: You promised to help me look for shoes.
M: *sigh* Oh yeah. Piece o’ crap.
S: C’mon, let’s go to Hush Puppies.
M: (all child-like ’n’ stuff) Really?!?!
S: Yeah, I’ll even get you a pair of new shoes.
M: Oh goody goody! I’ll drive.
S: Go for it.
M: Time for an abrupt ending?
S: Yeah, ‘tsabout that time.

THUH END