Enoretsegorp
1å (THE GLAMOUR -- GRAEME REVELL)
Helga (H): Oh baby, you’re so sweet.
Skinner (W): Hey. You’re not a bad-looking stripper yourself.
H: Would you like to try something as sweet as yourself?
W: Um.
H: You should try the enoretsegorp.
W: The what?
H: (breathy) Enoretsegorp.
W: Why do I feel so (yawn) sleepy?
H: (whispered mush) Eenortsgawrp ...
W: Falling ... in ... trance ...
H: Wait till he wakes up.

TINKLE

W: Wha -- so groggy!
H: Ssh. Relax. How do you feel?
W: What?
H: How do you feel?
W: What’s going on? Let me go! What are you, some sort of sick twisted body-builder or something?
H: How do you feel?
W: Why do you keep asking me that?! OW! Syringe! Oh no!
H: Wwwwaaaaalllllteeeerr. You won’t remember any of this when you awaken.
W: Look at all the pretty colors!!!!
H: I’m going to take you home, and you won’t remember any of this when you awaken.
W: I’m flying! I’m flying! I’M FLYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGG!!!!
2å (TITLE THEME)
MAIN TITLE STUFFS
Mulder (M): HEY SCULLY!!!!!
Scully (S): WHAT, MULDER!!!!!
M: Um.
S: I see.
M: So like, what’s new and exciting?
S: Hmm. Lemme think about this.
*long pause*
M: Scully?
S: That’s about it. NOTHING. (sniffles)
M: Don’t worry, Scully-Wully. I have even less excitement in my life. I’m a loser.
S: Thanks. You know, the truth does give comfort, doesn’t it?
M: Um. Yeh. Surrre.
S: So are we actually going to get a case this week?
M: I dunno. I rather enjoy throwing pencils in the ceiling, myself.
S: (sighs) I don’t understand how we’re not getting any cases. You yourself said there’s SO many X-Files that happen every day.
M: Yeah. Like ... where does dust come from? Why does lint form in balls? What
makes a squishy ... squishy?!?! Why do dust bunnies seem to carry on a life of their own?!?! Is it because they seem to have both the characteristics of dust and of lint?!?!?!?! These are X-Files just waiting to be solved!!!!!!!!!!!
W: (high and squeaky) Agents! Guess what!
*long pause*
M: Who’s there?!
W: It’s SKINner, you SILLY!
S: I don’t mean to sound at all disrespectful, sir, but why is your voice so high?
W: Oh, don’t worry about it. I just wanted to tell you that there are still no more cases for you to investigate!
M: Skinner ... ?
W: You know, I have just been so MOODY these past few days! I wonder what’s wrong with me. Oh, another hot flash. ... (coming on) Agent Mulder, is that a new tie?
M: AUUUGH!
W: You know, I’ve been retaining water and I had the strangest cravings for chocolate. Do either of you know what could be wrong with me?!
S: It sounds like you have PMS. When did all this start?
W: I was at the Starlight Lounge the other night, and this gorgeous stripper Helga
started talking to me, and suddenly I was home and I felt like this! Mmm, my herbal tea is ready, and it’s time for my face pack. I’ll speak with you later.
SFX: Footsteps fading
S: I wonder what THAT was all about! An identity crisis or what?!
M: Hey, I’ve got an idea! The Starlight Lounge is a men and women’s strip club. We could go investigate and see if we can find the cause of Skinner’s sudden ... femininity.
S: So you’re saying that this lounge has both male and female strippers?
M: Well, exotic dancers. The women dancers’ stage is on the left, and ... I don’t know where the guy dancers’ stage is. I think it’s like on the other side or something.
S: UH-HUH. Well, it’s something to do. Let’s tell Skinner where we’re going and get outta this place. I haven’t seen the sun in days.
M: YOU can tell Skinner. He’s sorta freakin’ me out.
S: You big homophobic baby!
M: I’m not a homophobe! In fact, once Krycek kissed ... ... ...
S: (curious as all heck) ... YES?!
M: Uh --
S: He kissed you?
M: Well uh ...
S: What? Where? Oh, that’s so SWEET!!!!!!!!
M: UM. NEVER MIND, AWRIGHT?!

TINKLE

3å (THE GLAMOUR -- GRAEME REVELL)
S: Ooh, this club is actually pretty nice. Tasteful for what it is.
M: Yep. Here’s my plan. I’ll get hired for a job as a dancer, so I can meet this Helga person and figure out if there’s anything ... fishy about her.
S: Whatever.
Clerk (C): (pansy) Can I help you?
M: Yes. Um, we’re federal agents, and we’re doing an ... undercover sort of investigation on a dancer here named Helga.
C: Oh yes, Helga. So how can I be of service, you handsome hunk of a man, you?
M: Well, since we don’t know if she’s dangerous, I thought the best way to make a ...
relatively casual investigation would be to be a dancer here so I can meet people on the inside.
C: Oh, I’m so sorry, I don’t think that would work at all.
M: Why not?
C: Well ... just look at you! Sure, you’ve got a pretty face, but if you want to dance, you need more finesse. You’re way too lanky, and did I mention that flab?!
M: But --
C: (interrupting) Now, this pretty little lady here would be PERfect.
S: ME?!?!
M: YOU?!?!
C: Yes! Small, delicate build, gorgeous face, equally gorgeous hair, good coloring -- you’ve got the body, Red! Can I call you Red?
S: (flattered) uh ... sure!!
M: You don’t mean you’re really going to conSIDer this, do you?!?!
S: And why not? You were going to jump at the chance!
M: But ... you’re like ... a shrine! To unveil that innocence and flaunt it like that would be a desecration to everything I hold holy about you!
S: WHAT?!?!?! Me, innocent?! Fox baby, you’re sweet to me, but you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
C: Fox? Oo! That’s a much better name than Red.
M: Hey, MY name is Fox!
S: I thought you disowned that name for the past thirty years of your life.
M: But --
S: So how soon can I start?
C: How fast can you get undressed?

TINKLE

4å (THE MAGIC STORE -- GRAEME REVELL)
M: Scully!
S: Hi! I didn’t think you’d come see me dance.
M: I’ve been to a lot of these places ... I mean ... I mean you’re very good.
S: Thanks. Hey, if you want to hang around, you gotta pay up, Fox baby.
M: Gladly.
S: (pause) Oo, a little FRESH, are we?
M: So have you found out anything about Helga?
S: Yeah. She’s GORgeous. She’s a body-builder and she’s just amazing. Nice, friendly -- granted, she has an air of mystery, but I think she’s clean.
M: Then why don’t you go home now?
S: Cuz I’m having fun! Plus I get so many tips ... I think maybe I’ll quit the FBI and work here. There’s so much more money and less risk.
M: Less risk in a place like this?!?!
S: YES, actually.
M: You’re not serious.
S: Well ...
M: No, Scully! I need you!
S: I know. Which is why I’m considering staying here. I can mooch off you forever and see you all the time and you can get your kicks.
M: Is that Helga?
S: Mulder, did you hear what I just said?
M: Yeah, you’ll give me kicks in that pretty little black thong of yours. Is that Helga?
S: (sighs) Why, yes. (under breath) And he was just giving me another twenty.
M: I -- I think I’m going to go uh ... investigate.
S: (disappointed) You do that, Mulder.
M: Um ... are you Helga?
H: Why, yes, you handsome young thing.
M: (swallows loudly) I’ve heard a lot about you.
H: Oh REALly? Like what?
M: (breathes heavily) Um ... gorgeous. Mysterious. Gorgeous. Um.
H: Stop drooling. Enoretsegorp.
M: What did you just say?
H: Enoretsegorp.
*long pause*
H: Eeeenooooreeeetseeeeegooorp.
M: (gurgles)
H: Enooooooorestsegooooooooorp. That’s it. I’ll take you away now.
S: What is she doing? I’ll have to throw on some clothes and follow her. Nobody’s takin’ away MY best paying customer.

TINKLE

SFX: cel-phone ringing/ car driving
S: Ew. Who the heck could that be? Hello?
W: (valley girl) Scully, it's Skinner!
S: What do you want? I'm very busy following Helga and Mulder and I don't have much time.
W: Ohhhhh, PLEASE come over to my house! I'm like, baking cookies 'n junk! Forget Mulder for a minute and let's have a slumber party!
S: Sir, I-- *beat* That sounds very enticing but... I've REALLY gotta follow Mulder! If I don't my Foxy Baby might get hurt!
W: but! but! but we can watch chick flicks and do our nails and eat ice cream and--
S: but MULDER--!
W- and we can eat CHOCOLATE!!!!!
S: WHAT?!?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?!? I'll be right over!! I mean, AFter I check on Mulder.
W: bring barbiiiiiiiieeeeees!!! (fades as car speeds away)

TINKLE

M: ahhh, ...enorestegoooooo...
H: do you MIND?! I'm TRYing to drive, mister fox! I can't see where I'm going if you're hanging on my face!!
M: yessssss, okay pretty lady.
*pause*
H: so get off already!
M: anything for the prehhhhhhtty lady...
H: you WILL get off of me while I drive... you WILL... ... good, that's better. behave yourself or else no more enorestegorp for you!
M: NOOOO!!!! I WANT ENORESTEGOOOORRRRRP!
H: hehh... GOOD. that PROOVES that you're trapped in my clutches, you disgusting MAN! *evil laugh*

TINKLE

S: So she lives in this dump?!?! What a trash hole! Ick! So at least I can hear her from the hallway here, as these walls are thin and cheap.
H: Are you awake?
M: (drowsily) Mmmm.
H: How do you feel?
M: Mmmm. (child-like) Mommy.
H: About what I expected. So here’s to the evilness of men all over the world!
M: Ow! Hey!
H: Foooooooooox. You won’t remember any of this when you wake up.
M: Oooo. Colorful hallucinations.
H: Now to take you home.
S: Yikes! Gotta flee! I’d better go to Mulder’s place right away.
SFX: Loud footsteps

TINKLE

H: Here we are, you piece of masculine trash! I hope you like your time being ... female.
SFX: Body dropping onto floor. Footsteps fading, door shut.
M: Uhhh, my heeeeead.
S: Mulder!
M: (long pause) (surprised) AH!
S: Mulder, do you remember anything that happened to you? I want to make sure you’re all right.
M: Mm, not really. My arm is sore.
S: Let me see. ... Hmm, a puncture wound. Looks like she injected you with something.
M: I’m always getting strange toxins and/or viruses injected into me.
S: I want to rush you to the hospital and have blood work done on you. We can’t really arrest (disgusted:) HELga for anything unless we’ve got some evidence.
M: Heeellgaaa. She’s really nice. I talked to her at the club. That’s the last thing I remember.
S: Let’s get some ice on your head and get you to ye hospital.
M: “Ye”?!
S: (authoritative:) Yes. (beat) YE.

TINKLE

S: See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?
M: (pansy for a while now) Ugh! Would you just LOOK at my HAY-AR?!?! [hair]
S: What’s up with you?
M: And these nails! Yuck! I’m like, SO overdue for a manicure.
S: Helga said something about being a woman for a while.
M: Why of COURSE, Dana DAAAHHHling! I’m as feminine as can be!
S: SCARY! So she must have injected you with some ... female hormones.
M: Let’s go to the salon. I’m in dire need of a make-over.
S: Mm, I dunno. Which one?
M: Why, of COURSE the one on CENter Street! They do WAXing and have you SEEN my ARMS?!?!
S: Let’s go! (pause; under breath) Hey. I could really get used to this!

TINKLE

M: Let’s see. How much do you think our bill will be, dahling?
S: Well, you got a trim, a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, and a full body waxing. That should be around, like, a hundred dollars.
M: ARRRRRRRGH! I forgot I’m only on government salary. I’ll just hafta charge it.
S: May I ask, how do you feel now?
M: I feel ... like getting ice cream.
S: Chocolate?
M: You KNOW it, sistah!
S: Do you, perchance, feel emotionally unstable?
M: (annoyed) And what of it?
S: Definitely PMS.
M: So are we GOing or NOT, Dana? I need my chocolate NOW!
S: Wait just a sec, my nails are still tacky.
M: ConVEniently.
S: Hey. Do you want to have a girls’ day out or not?
M: YESSS, I DO, as a matter of fact! I just don’t want to be in any CATfights!!!!
S: If you’re good, I’ll treat for ice cream.
M: (pleasant) Did I mention how much I LOVE your hair?
*girly laughing*
S: Y’know, I think I kinda like you as a woman, Mulder.
M: Oh STOP it! You’re making me BLUSH!

TINKLE

W: *ACH!* Where IS Dana?! She’s suppOSED to BE here! All my COOKies are cold!
SFX: Doorbell
W: YAY!
SFX: Door open
S: We’re here!
M: AW! WALter dahling! I LOVE your HAY-ar!!!!!
S: What hair?!
W: Can’t you SEE? It takes a TRAINED feminine eye to see that I HIGHlighted what’s left of my hair!
S: Um. It’s uh, pretty.
W: OHmigod. You HAVE to taste these cookies.
M: alRIGHT! CHOCOLATE!
S: (like cookie-monster) COOky!
5å (NSYNC)
All start singing along.
W: OHmigod, N-SYNC is SO cute!!!!!
M: I like that one with the dreads the best. He’s a real hottie!!
S: Even I’M not THIS feminine! You GUYS are like TEENIE-boppers!
Mulder and Skinner: *Tsk* EW!
Cut Music
S: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

TINKLE

W: “She’s All That” was GREAT!
M: She WAS “All That”!
S: Um. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
M: SCUL-ly, quit SCREAMING all the time!!!!
W: Yeah, I’m getting dizzy.
S: Dizzy? From MY screaming?!?!
W: Unghhhhh.
SFX: Thump
S: He passed out!
M: OHMIGAWD! Is he okay?!?!
S: I dunno.
SFX: Slapping noises
S: C’mon, guy! Get up!
W: (masculine again) Hey, bitch! Stop hittin’ me!
S: Walter?
W: The name’s SKINner, SLUT.
M: (aside) Skinner Slut?!?!
S: Mulder, he’s back to normal! . . . And then some.
M: I’LL say.
W: What happened to my nails! ARGH! I can’t stand this! And what’s with all the cookies ... and Barbies ... and N-SYNC playing ... did I ACtually rent “She’s All That”?!?
S: Uh, yes. We sat here and watched it. You clearly stated that you loved it.
W: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *grunts, indicating he’s getting up* I gotta ... take a piss.
SFX: Footsteps fading
M: (quietly) Do you think he’s gonna be okay?
S: I can’t tell until I know what you two were injected with.
W: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
S: What’s wrong?
W: MYYYYYYYYYY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!

TINKLE

S: *yawn* This is the first time I shared a bed with Mulder -- in my own apartment, no less -- that I didn’t feel naughty.
M: *snore, sputter, yawn* (feminine) (serene:) Ahhhhh *sigh* Daylight! And ... oh no, my hair is STRINGY! I gotta take a shower quick!
SFX: clothes rustling, footsteps running
S: AUGH! FOX, THAT’S MY BRA! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDRESSING IN
FRONT OF A LADY! Oh I forgot. He IS one now. (long pause) I wonder if he’ll pee sitting down now or what?
SFX: Phone rings, she answers
S: Yep.
SFX: Fax noise
S: ooh! A fax.
SFX: Fax machine noise, paper rustling
S: oooo! INteresting concoction of chemicals.
M: DAHling! I’m BA-ACK!
S: Guess what.
M: Chicken butt!
S: This fax says which chemicals were injected into you.
M: Go on. Get me some tofu while you’re up.
S: Awlright. It says there was primarily progesterone, but there were a number of
chemicals that were unknown, thought to be hormones. Ooh, what’s this? Another page. It’s ... it’s ... another love note from Frohike! Aww. He must have helped out with this. It says, “Dana: roses are red, violets are blue, as to what those chemicals are, I don’t have a clue! But in any case, I love you! You’re my sexy love ... ” (pause) I think I’ll stop there.
M: Aw, you were just getting to the JUICY part!
S: Oh wait! There’s an address at the bottom of the page! It’s ... I don’t believe it. Just when you thought there WAS no conspiracy AFter all.
M: Oh DAHling, whatEVuh do you MEAN?!
S: IT’S RONNIE!
M: Ronnie Behmer?
S: YES!
M: (falsetto) HE MUST BE IN TENNESSEEEEEEE!!
S: ADVICE. Get OFF the progesterone.
M: I WOULD if I could ...
S: True. Now, get out of my bra, eat this tofu, and let’s get a move on.
SFX: munching

TINKLE

H: (seductively) Hey Ronnie...
R: Oh! Helga! It’s been quite a while!
H: Well hun, it seems I’m all out of enoretsegorp. May I borrow a cup of yours?
R: *gulp* Of course, anything for mon cherie! But ... I do require the proper payment.
H: Oh? (even more seductively) Shall I ... DANCE for you?
R: Huh? *drool* Um ... I was thinking somewhere along the lines of ... ... ... cash? But! That’ll do just fine!!
6å (TOMORROW NEVER KNOWS -- BEATLES)
H: I don’t have any lingerie with me, m’lord... but I suppose I can make do with less undergarments tonight.
R: *droooooooooooooooooooool* mmmmmmmmm
SFX: doorbell
R: AUGH!!!!!!!!
H: Answer it. I’ll be waiting for you upstairs.
SFX: Footsteps diminishing, door open
R: Agents Mulder and Scully! What are you doing here?
M: OH Ronnie, is that a hormone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
R: Okay, Scully, how did he get the Enoretsegorp?
M: That rings a bell. What is enoretsegorp?
S: Yeah, Ronnie. It seems some strip club dancer named Helga is injecting victims with YOUR concoction of hormones. Mulder went under cover to the strip club --
R: You mean he went as himself?
S: Right. He went there and somehow he got injected with this stuff. Now, this is all
rather obviously illegal. Seeing as you have a part in it, you should tell us all you know NOW before we let the law get ugly with you.
R: (chuckles) You two really are clueless, aren’t you? There is a conspiracy. Everyone has a part in it.
S: I don’t understand. How does this strange mixture of hormones fit into the picture?
R: It’s just a side project me and Helga have been working together on. She hates
men, you see, so I prepare enoretsegorp for her to inject into them so they can see what women hafta go through, and in return she gives me ... um ... well, you can guess.
S: I’ll have to put you under arrest, Mr. Behmer.
R: You can’t.
S: Excuse me?
R: You can’t put me under arrest. As soon as you bring me in the police will do a
background check, as is required; then the government will be notified, and soon feds will swarm the place and set me free. Save everyone time and effort and don’t bother arresting me.
M: Oooh, chocolate candy!!!!
R: Don’t eat that! It’s poisoned.
M: Drat.
S: I still demand to know what this conspiracy thing is all about.
R: I cannot divulge that information.
S: Why?
R: Do you think any person in their right mind would tell someone details about a government conspiracy they were in on?
S: It was worth a shot.
R: We are all cogs in it, and I assure you, you will find out all the details sometime in the very near future.
S: Why are you telling me this now?
R: Well, I have my own agenda within the conspiracy, and you and agent Mulder would be ideal tools for executing my plans.
M: This is getting boring! I wanna go home and watch the Home Shopping Network. They’re supposed to be selling porcelain dolls again.
S: Ronnie, what makes you think for an instant that Fox and I would help you?
R: You will end up helping me whether you want to or not. But don’t fret, I assure you
that mine is the moral path. I want to expose the government and prevent such ... COSMIC messes from ever again occurring. That’s all I can leave you with.
S: So we’ll meet again.
R: Any day now.
S: Mulder, let’s hit the road. I wanna go to sleep.
M: (yawns) I’m with you.
SFX: Door open, footsteps, door closes.
H: (quietly to self) They know too much. Damn that Ronnie. I should go and kill them now, but if I don’t give Ronnie his payment, he won’t give me more enoretsegorp.
R: (yells) Helga! Are you ready?
H: (yells) Yes, Ronnie!
R: I’m going to turn the lights off.
H: Whatever you want. (pause) OW! AUGH! NO! You’ve betrayed me!
R: I simply injected you with a sedative to prevent YOU from betraying ME.
H: (mildly panicked) I’m blacking out ...
R: Now to try out my lead bomb shelter and see if it can hold her in.
H: AUUUUUUUGH!
R: I need those agents, Helga. You can’t get in the way of their fate. And it would be
nice to keep your whereabouts under wraps until you are needed. You’re quite a wanted woman, Helga. Now, let me get me some DANDELION WINE!!!! Oh yeah, party time! (whoops it up)

TINKLE

S: So Mulder, so you think all this was worth it?
M: What ever do you mean, pookie-head?
S: HEY, that’s YOUR nick name.
M: But -- *snf* WAH!
S: I wonder if it was worth all this time, effort, and your emotional well-being to find out these scant details concerning the government conspiracy.
M: Well, if nothing else, it was a time of bonding.
S: I suppose you’re right. It was worth it just to spend time together.
*long pause*


7å (TRUMAN SLEEPS -- BURKHARD DALLWITZ)
M: You know I need you more than life itself, Scully.
S: Well, I have a lot more things to live for than you, but I guess I need you too.
M: What is THAT supposed to mean?!?!
S: Well, the only family you have left is your mother, whom you’ve been ignoring, and
your sister, who won’t acknowledge your existence -- and did I mention you have only pitiful excuses for friends, in other words, the Lone Gunmen. Your job won’t substantiate you emotionally, so naturally I am the thing you need most. On the other hand, I have lots of friends and a god son and family who love me, not to mention a strong faith in God and in science, ironically enough, but you’re a close friend, so I guess I need you too.
M: What a freakin’ GREAT way to cheer me up.
S: So are you gonna kiss me or not??!!
M: Of COURSE I am!
SFX: Smooch
M: I feel dizzy.
S: Some have said my kiss has that effect.
M: Some have said I have a big nose, but I don’t believe THAT -- Okay, I do.
S: Toldja. Mulder? What’s wrong?

*THUD*
S: Oh no! I didn’t mean for my kiss to work THAT well! Or am I being self-centered?
Could there be some alternate reason to his sudden loss of consciousness; could the hormone have worn off? Could aliens have come and done something awful to him? Does he have some strange medical condition I don’t know about? All these are valid solutions ... but I think it was because of my feminine prowess. Yeh, that’s it. Watch me STRUT. . . . Then revive him.
M: (testosterone-filled voice) Yo woman, on your knees!
S: EXCUSE ME?!?!
M: Wash this floor now, byotch!
S: So you’re back to your old self again?
M: Um, yeh. OMIGOD! Look at my nails! They’re ... they’re ... pink and shiny!!!!
S: Aren’t they pretty?
8å (IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE -- TONIC)
M: Well ...
S: Aw. You’re so CUUUUUUTE!
M: Hey now --
S: So will you come watch me at the exotic dancing club tonight?
M: Will I!!
S: Assuming you’ve got a fistful of paper money.
M: Sure, I -- hey! Something’s rotten in the state of Denver.
S: Um.
M: Most of my money is gone! Do you remember anything about where it went?
S: Ice cream and feminine activities.
M: ARGH!
S: So I guess you WON’T be seeing me much tonight.
M: Hey now!
S: Well, you could always pay me back later ... in OTHER ways ... YOU know what I want, Fox baby.
M: I sure do! [fill in something witty]
S: Do you know me or what!!!!

CREDITS! THE END!!!!