Completely Myself
by Heather Banta

I am amazed at how comfortable I am with Mulder. I cannot be so completely myself with anyone else. Over the years I have built up these walls of protection around myself. I am not exactly sure why. It probably has something to do with the idea that if I hide the deepest parts of myself from others, then I can hide them from myself as well. I will not have to face the raging emotions that I keep there.
But Mulder has broken down these walls without my knowledge. Somehow he sees these deep parts of me that I refuse to see. He knows the love, the fear, the rage, and the questions that I hide there. And because I refuse to feel these things, he takes them upon himself. He beats himself up by blaming himself for all the things that have happened to me.
I hate myself for letting him do that. He deserves no blame. It has been my choice to stick by his side. I have chosen to make his passion my passion.
Because of my walls, I have never been comfortable letting a man touch me, body or soul. But not Mulder. He has been touching me physically and emotionally from day one, and most of the time I do not mind. In fact, I welcome it. I enjoy Mulder's touch. When he touches my body, his hand is not an invader. It is an extension of myself. And when he touches me emotionally...well, I love him for breaking down those walls.
And yet, I often wonder 'Why Mulder?' Why have I allowed him to search me, to know me so completely. Maybe it is because he has so willingly let me do the same to him. "Spooky" Mulder is not so "spooky," just haunted. He has been through so much pain that I am amazed he still has a desire to live, to fight.
I have always known how much Mulder needs me, but until recently I had never realized how much I need him. I discovered it when they took the X-Files away from us. I used to think they were the only thing keeping us together, but now I know differently. Mulder and I depend on each other. We need each other in order to survive. We need each other for life.
I often wonder if Mulder really meant it when he told me he loved me after that "adventure" in the Bermuda Triangle. At first, I thought that that line was as drug-induced as that story about me saving the world. But now I am not so sure. He has not looked at me in the same way since then. Every time I look at him there is an intensity in his eyes that was not there before. It's almost as if he is trying to tell me through them, "In case you didn't get it the first time, Scully, I love you."
And I love Mulder. I think I have known this for at least four years now, but I have only come to realize it recently. Or maybe it's just that I finally let myself realize it. My feelings for Mulder are not a physical attraction. I will admit that he is beautiful, but that is not what draws me to him. I love Mulder's being, his whole self. He is passionate, consumed, determined, fearless, and yet, scared. He is everything that I am afraid to be. Also, I love Mulder because he wants to look at the parts of me that I hide from the world, and he loves what he sees.
But most of all I love Mulder because, with him, I am learning to be something that I can be with no one else: completely myself.