“Carpet Fibers”
by samantha bueller

SFX: Footsteps on wood, tuneless humming. Crunch (small paper bag)
RUDOLPH: “Oh deary me! What did I happen to step on?” (pause) “Well, it’s a blob! Must have been a bug. I shall just shove it under my CARPET!”

1-„TITLE THEME

SFX: Telephone rings.
SCULLY: (clears throat) “It’s me.”
MULDER: “Hi, Scully. It’s Mulder. We have a distress call.”
SCULLY: “Oh, yeah? What could it be?”
MULDER: “Some lady just called my office and she was screaming and out of breath and she said something about a carpet -- I dunno -- anyway -- and.”
SCULLY: “...And?”
MULDER: “And.”
SCULLY: “And...what?”
MULDER: “Just -- and.”
SCULLY: “You can’t have just -- and!”
MULDER: “Why not?”
SCULLY: “BECAUSE! You ended your sentence with ‘and’! That ain’t right!”
MULDER: “But you said ‘ain’t’. Now we’re Even Steven.”
SCULLY: “Mulder, have you lost it?”
MULDER: “What do you mean, lost it? I’m right here!!”
SCULLY: “I’m comin’ to your office right now, okay?”
MULDER: “Geeze! You act like I’m senile or something!”
SCULLY: “See ya.”

SFX: Tinkle.

SCULLY: “Well, I’m at Mulder’s office -- and he’s getting better.”
MULDER: “Scully? Why are you talking like that?”
SCULLY: “Sorry. I thought I was on my computer.”
MULDER: “Okay. Well, you’re here now, so let’s go.”

SFX: Tinkle.

SCULLY: “This is the place. I hope they’re home.”

SFX: Door knocking. (Moments later,) door creaking.

2„ Långt Ner I Småland/Slängpolska -- Väsen
RUDOLPH: “Cheerio!”
MULDER: “These are our badges.”
RUDOLPH: “Hm. Bad hair day.”
SCULLY: “We’d like to ask you a few questions about your...carpet?”
RUDOLPH: “Uh, it’s a blue shag.”
MULDER: “A what?”
RUDOLPH: “Blue shag. It’s a carpet! Come look!”

SFX: 3 sets of footsteps: 2 loafers, 1 high heels.

RUDOLPH: “See?”
MULDER: (whispers) “...Wow...”
SCULLY: “It seems to be a material of entwined carpet fibers and burlap.”
MULDER: “I didn’t know that carpet fibers came from carpets! Silly burlapin!”
SCULLY: “Is it wall-to-wall?”
RUDOLPH: “Well, it extends from one wall to the other, if that’s what you mean. Except for the square missing in the middle.”
MULDER: “What happened to the square?”
RUDOLPH: “Well, I didn’t want to pay for it.”
SCULLY: “I’ll lift it and see if there’s anything underneath.”
RUDOLPH: “NO!” (beat) “I mean, no, it’s not necessary.” There’s just some wood underneath. Uh, uh, anyone want a drink?”
MULDER AND SCULLY: (simultaneously) “Coffee!”
RUDOLPH: “Okay.”

SFX: Footsteps, diminishing.

MULDER: (hushed voice) “Quick! Lift the rug!”
SCULLY: (hushed voice) “This is not official procedure. Whatever we find, we can’t prosecute him for, even if those enormous lumps are bodies or something. Plus, we don’t have any back-up. This guy could be dangerous!”

SFX: Footsteps, getting louder.

RUDOLPH: “Here you are, agents. What do you want in it?”
SCULLY: “One cream, no sugar.”
RUDOLPH: “Here.”

SFX: Noisy spoon stirring in coffee mug; sloppy slurping noises.

SCULLY: “Mmm, yummy.”
MULDER: “Ditto.”
RUDOLPH: “You didn’t even taste yours!”
MULDER: “Oh! I -- uh -- guess that would help.”

SFX: Sloppy slurping again.

MULDER: (with little or no expression) “Oh. Yum. Good.”
SCULLY: “Um, Rudolph, how did you get those lumps in the carpet?”
RUDOLPH: (playing dumb) “Uh...what lumps?”
SCULLY: “Those really big hump thingies that resemble -- I dunno -- bodies?”
RUDOLPH: (pause) “Oh! Those, uh, lumpy masses over there? Gee, it must have been from warped wood or something. Bad humidity up here, yup, yup, reckon it could’ve been from furnace moisture in the basement, yup.”
MULDER: “What’s wrong? You seem rather...” (pause) “Nervous.”
RUDOLPH: “Who, me? No! Never! I’m never nervous from anything! Nosireebob!”
MULDER: “Then why is sweat pouring down your face?”
RUDOLPH: “Sweat? What sweat? Oh, I am sweating, aren’t I?” (extremely nervous) “Reckon it must be from the heat.”
SCULLY: “But the air conditioner is blaring.”
RUDOLPH: “Oh yeah. Well, maybe it was something I ate, then. Hoo, I feel faint. Maybe you’d better leave. I don’t feel too good.”
MULDER: “Maybe we’d better. Your face turned from red to green. Can’t be Christmas, though -- it’s spring.”
SCULLY: “Mulder, what was the point of that utterly useless statement?”
MULDER: “I dunno. Let’s go.”
RUDOLPH: “Cheerio, then! Come for tea sometime!”

SFX: Door shutting.

MULDER: “Obviously, there are bodies under the shag.”
SCULLY: “Indeed. We’ll have to obtain a search warrant and an arrest warrant. Also, we might need to get Rudolph committed -- he doesn’t seem too sane.”
MULDER: “I can’t wait to see what’s under the shag. Shag will tell all.”
SCULLY: “You just like saying ‘shag,’ don’t you?”
MULDER: (pause) “I guess so. Oh, all right, I admit it! Shag is fun! Shag is a cool word!”
SCULLY: (sighs) “I think I’m committing the wrong person.”

SFX: Tinkle.

SCULLY: “Well, time to start my field report. Get out my good ol’ laptop, and...here we go!
“Date is May 26, 1999. Case being investigated: Rudolph Redners and his lumpy shag carpet. Lumps are suspected to be caused by draping the rug over bodies for concealment. Carpet has yet to be lifted for inspection; search warrant needed. Also possibility of arrest warrant and commitment, for Rudolph is highly suspicious and may be considered dangerous. Tomorrow the warrants will be obtained and a search will be conducted by miscellaneous special agents of the Violent Crimes Unit; also by Special Agent Fox Mulder, and myself, Special Agent Dana Scully, who are assigned to the X-Files division. The shag is out there, and we intend to find it.”

COMMERCIALS

3„ DESCENT: Track 6
SCULLY: “Hi, Mulder. Another dreary day ahead of us.”
MULDER: “What else is new? By the way, I easily obtained a search warrant for Rudolph Redners’ shag carpet.”
SCULLY: “Shut up with you and your shag. If I hear the word ‘shag’ one more time, I swear I’ll strangle you.”
MULDER: “Shagshagshagshagshagshagshagshagshag...”
SCULLY: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

SFX: Strangling noises.

MULDER: “Ha ha! I fooled you listeners out there. I wasn’t really strangled. Agent Scully here was just joshin’ me.”
SCULLY: “Joshin’?”
MULDER: “But you can’t tell out there, because you’re just the dumb listeners!”
SCULLY: “Mulder, insulting their intelligence and status is enough. I mean, I realize they’re just blind people listening to a pointless radio show, but we're not supposed to talk directly to them. It says so right here in the contract.”

SFX: Loud paper rustling.

MULDER: “I suppose you’re right. Sorry about that, folks. Back to the show.”
SCULLY: “Puh-lease, do NOT say SHAG ANYMORE!” It’s grating on my nerves!”
MULDER: “What’s wrong with shag? Shag is...well, shag! Shag is quite shaggy, and this particular blue shag is hiding all sorts of bodies!”
SCULLY: (after long pause) “I’m going to pretend I didn't hear you say all that. I will repress that incident from my memory, and that’ll be it. Now, let’s get some more FBI groupies to help us.”

SFX: Tinkle.

MULDER: “Cool. There’s his house. Can’t wait to roll in the shag.”
SCULLY: “Shut your mouth, Mulder. It’s getting old, and it’s not funny anymore.”
SOME FBI GUY: “On the count of three! On three we’re goin’ in! (pause)“One!”(beat)”Two!”(beat)”Three!”

SFX: Silence.
SFX: Knocking on wood, door creaking open.

RUDOLPH: “Oh! It’s Agents Mulder and Scully, come for some tea! And they even brought a group of their friends! We’ll have a tea party! It’ll be splendid!”
SOME FBI GUY: “We have a search warrant to search your house, Mr. Redners.”
RUDOLPH: “Very well, come in. I very well can’t mess with authority.”
SOME FBI GUY: “Okay, men! Move in!”

SFX: Multiple footsteps. (following dialogue is said over steps)

RUDOLPH: “Hold it! I don’t mind entertaining for tea at all, but no one ever said you could move in when it’s done!”
MULDER: “Sorry about that, Mr. Redners. That’s just a bit of American lingo.”
RUDOLPH: “Oh.”
SCULLY: (yelling) “Hey! Somebody help me lift this rug!”
RUDOLPH: “Hey! It’s a blasted carpet, don’t you dare call it a rug! It’s a fine quality, bloody shag carpet!”
SCULLY: “I’ll say bloody.”
MULDER: “Look at those bodies! They’ve been mutilated pretty badly! We’d better find out if these things are human.”
SCULLY: (annoyed) “Mulder, they’ve hardly decayed at all, being preserved in a -- well -- shag carpet sheath! You can clearly identify their facial features and everything! It’s worthless to keep pursuing your alien theories, Mulder!”
MULDER: “Well, it was worth a shot. But how can shag preserve a dead body?”
SCULLY: “It’s an uncommon phenomenon commonly known as the Shag Effect, but uncommonly known by its official name, Shagtheosis Effectisis. Its common conditions are the preservation of organic materials under pure shag. It’s uncommon, however, that a few human corpses would last on top of a wood surface without decay, suggesting the bodies are fairly fresh. Mulder, can I ask you something?”
MULDER: “Yeah, sure.”
SCULLY: “Isn’t it common for bodies to reek of stench not too long after death?”
MULDER: “Yes.”
SCULLY: “Well, isn’t it uncommon that these bodies seem to have no effect on the atmospheric odor of the area, even though at close range they smell utterly disgusting?”
MULDER: “Stop making this so confusing! You’re too wordy. Don’t you smell that unmistakable odor of Spice Herb Essence Potpourri, incense, and tea leaves? And -- what’s that other smell? It’s rather familiar...”
SCULLY: “Coffee?”
MULDER: “That’s it. He’s merely covering up the smell with a pleasant bouquet of various...stuff. Come on, let’s get to the point here. Those poor, pitiful listeners are probably bored to death right now, if they haven’t already fallen asleep or changed the station. We’re losing ratings -- our jobs are in serious danger!”
SCULLY: “I agree with your theory. But that still doesn’t explain why a horrendous stench wouldn’t leak up and be at least slightly detectable.”
MULDER: “Scully, think logically. Shag would never let a smell leak out. After all, it’s shag! Scully, why on earth did you go ahead and smell the bodies? You know that if you take a whiff of dead human matter, it won’t smell nice.”
SCULLY: “I just wanted to be sure--”
MULDER: “You know who you remind me of? That guy Benny on Due South, that show on CBS. He’s always smelling stuff, but he tastes stuff, too. I’m glad YOU don’t...why are you smiling? You didn’t...”
SCULLY: “It needed salt.”
MULDER: (pause) “Okay. I’m not even gonna say anything, Scully. You’re freakin’ me out over here. Man, you and this guy Benny should get together or something.”
SCULLY: “Walps.”
MULDER: “What?”
SCULLY: “Walps!”
MULDER: “...What is that supposed to mean?”
SCULLY: “It’s just something you’re supposed to say every now and then.”
MULDER: (long pause) “...Don’t talk to me. Get away! Hey! Can someone over here get this guy Rudolph arrested?”
SCULLY: (wild freakish laughter)
SOME FBI GUY: “Well, it seems that, while you two were busy bickering, Rudolph vanished!”

SFX: Tinkle.

SCULLY: “Field journal, May 27, 1999. A search warrant was obtained, and Rudolph Redners’ house was searched. The blue shag carpet was lifted, and bodies were indeed found. Positive ID’s have yet to be established, but the facial features on them haven’t been disturbed or distorted in any way as to prevent ID’s from being made. There is, however, one minor problem: Rudolph Redners seems to have disappeared from the crime scene. His whereabouts have not yet been established, either. More to come tomorrow.”

COMMERCIALS

4„ Korben Dallas -- Eric Serra
MULDER: “Hello, Scully.”
SCULLY: “Mm.”
MULDER: “Do you have positive ID’s on the bodies yet?”
SCULLY: “No.”
MULDER: “Did you locate Mr. Redners?”
SCULLY: “No.”
MULDER: “Did any autopsies on the bodies get done?”
SCULLY: “No.”
MULDER: “Can you say anything besides ‘no’?”
SCULLY: “No.”
MULDER: “Figures.”
SCULLY: “I’m about to head into the autopsy bay to perform an autopsy.”
MULDER: “Oh.”

SFX: Phone beeping.

MULDER: “That’s me.”

SFX: Beep.

MULDER: “Mulder.”...”Hey, Danny! Haven’t heard from you in a while. Whatcha got for me?”... “ID’s on the corpses? Continue.”... “(sigh) “Fine, fine. Yes, I’ll get you two Redskins tickets. No problem. You’ll fax them to my office? Good. Thanks, Danny. See ya.”

SFX: Beep.

SCULLY: “Who was that?”
MULDER: “A source.”
SCULLY: “What did they have to say?”
MULDER: “Weren’t you paying attention? He was able to identify the victims.”
SCULLY: “Oh.”

SFX: Beeping and fax machine grinding.

MULDER: “Here they come through the fax machine.”
SCULLY: (expressionless) “...yay...”
MULDER: “Here’s the list, you’d better take it with you to your autopsy. I’ll make a photo copy of it real quick.”
SCULLY: (still expressionless) “...Fabulous.”
MULDER: “What’s wrong, Scully? You seem rather...preoccupied.”
SCULLY: (long pause) “...What?”
MULDER: “You seem distracted.”
SCULLY: (sounds like she’s, mentally, far away in outer space) “Oh? Really?”
MULDER: “I guess you’ll go do those autopsies.(brief pause)Right?”
SCULLY: “Sure. Fine. ...Whatever.”
MULDER: (long pause) “Well, go!”
SCULLY: “I’m goin’!”
MULDER: “But you’re not even movin’!”
SCULLY: “Hmm.”
MULDER: “C’mon, Scully. Did you want to ask me something, or... something?”
SCULLY: (pause) “Well...You know how we have no personal lives whatsoever?”
MULDER: “We? Just you.”
SCULLY: “Don’t get delusional. Well...”
MULDER: “C’mon, spit it out.”
SCULLY: “But there’s nothing in my mouth to spit!”
MULDER: “SPEAK!”
SCULLY: “Well...(pause) “I’m lonely, and I was wondering...” (obvious tension in the air)
MULDER: “You were wondering...”
SCULLY: “...if...”
MULDER: (hushed, soothing tone) “You were wondering if...”
SCULLY: “I wondered if you...”(pause)”...Have this guy Benny’s phone number?”
MULDER: (pause)(in a perturbed tone)”Yeah. I’ll give it to you later. Just go do your...autopsies...or whatever. GO.”

SFX: Tinkle.

SCULLY: “Field report, May 28, 1999. The four bodies have finally been identified: Carol Rupert, Steven Rhubarb, Mary Reagan, and Drake Roth. It may be coincidental that all of their surnames begin with the letter ‘R’, same as ‘Rudolph’ and ‘Redners’, but maybe not. Autopsies were performed on the victims, and cause of death has been established: asphyxiation. Pieces of square inch carpet fibers were found in their throats. They were blue shag, and further examination of samples from Rudolph Redners rug show a match. Otherwise, there was nothing abnormal found in the bodies. Also, underneath Rudolph’s rug we found a small blotch of black, organic matter, and brief scientific analysis showed it was a squashed house fly. We need a motive four these four -- including the fly, five -- murders to prevent them from recurring. More to come tomorrow.”

COMMERCIALS

SCULLY: “Mulder! Did you get that important telephone number for me?”
MULDER: “Yeah, yeah. Man, I’m pulling strings all over the place! First, I have to scrounge up the last two Redskins tickets in existence, and they cost me a whole bunch of money. Also, I was on the phone with all sorts of CBS executives last night, for hours, trying to establish that I was indeed an FBI agent and I needed Benton Fraser’s phone number for an investigation of a murder involving Canadian cow mutilations.”
SCULLY: “I owe you one, Mulder.”
MULDER: “I’ll say you do. Listen, we’ve got to return to Rudolph’s house and find a possible destination for him to have gone so we can find him.”
SCULLY: “That made absolutely no sense, but I’m game. You drive, I’ll call Benny.”
MULDER: “You don’t even know what he looks like!”
SCULLY: “Sure I have! You’re not the only one who watches CBS.”
MULDER: “So what are your thoughts on him?”
SCULLY: “...He’s worthy.”

SFX: Tinkle.

SFX: Car motor in background throughout scene.

MULDER: “You’re gonna call this guy now?”
SCULLY: “Yesireebob.”
MULDER: “You know, it’s strange. Everyone calls me ‘Spooky’ because I’m so weird and all that, but no one ever saw your true colors.”
SCULLY: “Colors? I look good in black.”
MULDER: “You’re weird. Just call this guy and get it over with.”
SCULLY: “Let’s see. Five-five-five, one-zero-one-two.”

SFX: Phone beeping seven times.

SCULLY: “Hello, is Paul Gross there?” (pause) “The guy who plays Benton Fraser on Due South?” (pause)
BENNY: “This is Benton Fraser speaking.”
SCULLY: “Yes, this is Dana Scully from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, ID number 2317-616.”
BENNY: “The FBI? Why would the FBI want to talk to me?”
SCULLY: “...Something about Canadian cow mutilations...”
BENNY: “Oh, that situation is under control, thank you. Anything other inquiries?”
SCULLY: “Actually, I’m a big fan of yours.”
BENNY: “Really? What have I done to make you admire my humble work?”
SCULLY: “I find your TV show quite excellent.”
BENNY: “TV show? What are you talking about?”
SCULLY: “You play a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman with a friend, Ray, who’s an investigator for Chicago PD.”
BENNY: “I’m sorry, ma’am. You must be mistaken. I am a Mounty, and I really do have a friend, Ray, who’s a detective for the Chicago Police Department. I have not portrayed my average lifestyle on a television program, I’m bigger than that. Or smaller, if you will. I like to think of my job as a duty not only to my country, but to my...other country.”
SCULLY: (pause) “We-ell, I just wanted to commend you, being a law enforcer for the American Federal Government and I wanted to say, um, nice job.”
BENNY: “Thank you kindly. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go polish my prized boots.”
SCULLY: “Bye.”

SFX: Beep.

MULDER: “What the heck was that all about?”
SCULLY: (quietly)“...he had to polish his boots...”
MULDER: “What did you say?”
SCULLY: (normally) “The guy’s psychotic. He actually thinks that he is a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman, and that the show is actually his life.”
MULDER: “So he’s sick in the head.”
SCULLY: “Correct.”
MULDER: “Takes one to know one.”
SCULLY: “Shut your mouth, Mulder. I am not sick in the head.”
MULDER: “Oh no? You made me find the telephone number of a fictitious TV person -- seemingly fictitious in real life, too, because of his mental status -- in hopes that you might date him?”
SCULLY: (pause) “I’m desperate, okay?”
MULDER: “I wonder what it’ll do to him to find out that his show is being canceled next season. I guess he’ll just have to find a new TV identity, or shoot himself.”
SCULLY: “Stop it! Look, there’s the house with the shag.”
MULDER: “Now don’t YOU start saying it, too.”
SCULLY: “Shagshagshagshagshagshagshagshag...”
MULDER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!”

COMMERCIALS

SCULLY: “Come, Mulder, help me lift this rug.”
MULDER: “Rug? Don’t you remember, it’s a bloody carpet!”
SCULLY: “Come on, Mulder, no time for games.”
M&S: (groans, etc. indication that carpet is being lifted)
SCULLY: “I have a feeling there’s a trap door somewhere around here. Remember, he said something about a basement? There are no entrances on this floor that we could find before.”
MULDER: “Look, there’s an abnormal seam in the wood.”
SCULLY: “Well, let’s see if it’ll give.” (pause) “Unh! There! A door in the floor!”
MULDER: “Ack!”
SCULLY: “Ack?”
MULDER: “Ack, you rhymed!”
SCULLY: (whining) “I didn’t mean to! Uh-oh...did you hear that?”
MULDER: “Yup. Rudolph’s car. The front door appears to be opening.”
SCULLY: “Quick, get through this door! He may be armed!”

SFX: Door slam.

RUDOLPH: “Oh dear, they did indeed find the bodies. And there’s a Rent-A-Car out front! I wonder if they’re here?”

SFX: Tinkle.

5„ 30-Års Jiggen -- Väsen
MULDER: “I can’t see anything, Scully. Break out your flashlight.”
SCULLY: “Okay. My, what a lumpy surface we’re standing on!” (pause) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!”
MULDER: “Shut up! He’ll hear you! Anyway, why did you scream? Where’s my flashlight?” (pause) “AAAAAAAAAAAH!”
SCULLY: “Dead bodies all over, Mulder! Blood is all over my new shoes! Geeze, my shoes are constantly being wrecked!”
MULDER: “The bodies aren’t so bad except for the stench. Anyway, look over there. There must be a hundred rolls of -- of -- SHAG!”
SCULLY: “AAAAAAAAAAH!”

SFX: Door creak.

RUDOLPH: “So, you’ve found my stash, have you? Those bodies will last me a year. They’re quite tasty, so long as you desalify them all.”
SCULLY: “So that’s why Drake Roth needed salt.”
RUDOLPH: “Agents, you’re not the first FBI to have made it down here. But the X-Files on those cases were classified.”
MULDER: (sarcasm) “I wonder why?”
RUDOLPH: “Why do you think?”
MULDER: “The government didn’t want the public to panic at the thought of a cannibal serial killer, so they made a cover story.”
RUDOLPH: “Yes, yes, the cover story was something about Elvis returning from the dead. He is dead, you know.”
MULDER: “Drat.”
RUDOLPH: “But they did it not because they were concerned with the public, but because they were too lazy. Plus, the public would probably encourage the serial killer to eat all of Congress and the president.”
MULDER: “Aaaaaah.”
SCULLY: “Hey! Where are my lines?!”
RUDOLPH: “Shut up or I’ll eat you.”
SCULLY: “O-o-ka-ay.”
MULDER: “So where did all this blood come from?”
RUDOLPH: “Cattle mutilations. I made it look like aliens did it. All I did was use a high-powered vacuum pump, and a lawn mower to make crop circles. The public and the media bought it immediately. I use this pool as a culture for the common cold, which I happen to be immune to. I find it quite tasty.”
MULDER: “In other words, you’re a cannibal, cow mutilator, serial killer, and a great blood sports’ fan.”
RUDOLPH: “That about sums it up.”
MULDER: “Cool.”
SCULLY: (yelling) “This is getting really boring! Get to the point!”
RUDOLPH: “Certainly. I’m going to eat you now.”
SCULLY: “Don’t we get a last cigarette?”
RUDOLPH: “Don’t have any. Never touch them, they’re not healthy.”
MULDER: “Can’t we have a last beer or something?”
RUDOLPH: “Fine, fine, I’ll fetch some wine.”
MULDER: “AAAACK! He rhymed!”
SCULLY: “Mulder, I’m scared!”
MULDER: “Me too! I want my mommy!”
SCULLY: “Wait! I have an idea.”

COMMERCIALS

RUDOLPH: “Here’s your wine, agents. Drink up!”

SFX: Gun shot.

RUDOLPH: (gasping for breath) “Agent Mulder? Why on earth did you do that?”
MULDER: “The wine was not Corbel.”
RUDOLPH: (voice tapering in intensity (duh)) “Well, my friends. You’ve made a big mistake. See this remote? It activates my security system. So long!”

SFX: Beep.

SCULLY: “I have a bad feeling about this.”
6„ Rescue of the Princess -- John Williams
MULDER: “Look! The staircase has gone flat!”
SCULLY: “What do you mean, ‘gone flat’?”
MULDER: “The steps have rotated so the stairs are a smooth, wet surface, impossible to climb up.”
SCULLY: “What’s that noise?”

SFX: Grinding, water running.

MULDER: “Uh-oh. I have a bad feeling about this. Geeze! What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!”
SCULLY: “The walls! They’re closing in on us! Don’t just stand there, try to brace it with something!”
MULDER: “With what?”
SCULLY: (pause) “I have no idea. A roll of shag? Naw, too heavy. We couldn’t lift it.”
MULDER: (a realization hitting him) “This reminds me of Star Wars.”
SCULLY: “Uh-oh. Those pipes are filling the room with blood! We’ll never get out of here!”
MULDER: “Yes we will. First, we have to float on this blood.”
SCULLY: “Ew! It must be five feet deep by now!”
MULDER: “Another three inches, and you’re under!”
SCULLY: “Don’t mack on my height!!”
MULDER: “Oh, okay. Fine.”
SCULLY: “Now what?”
MULDER: “Get as close to the foot of the stairs as it is possible. We have to wait for these walls to trap us in about a meter of space.”
SCULLY: “ARE YOU CRAZY?!!?”
MULDER: “Yes. Here, it’s about a meter. Go first, Scully. Climb up the walls.”
SCULLY: “*blub* I’m glad I didn't *blub* wear heels!”
MULDER: “Swim across the top.”
SCULLY: “I’m out! Hurry, Mulder! The walls are closing in!”
MULDER: “I’ve lost my grip! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

SFX: Splash.

SCULLY: “MULDER!!!!”
MULDER: “DANA! HELP!”
SCULLY: “I can’t!”
BENNY: “Agent Mulder! Here’s a rope I conveniently brought with me!”
SCULLY: “Benny?”
BENNY: “Don’t call me that. I’m Paul Gross.”
SCULLY: “But on the phone...”
PAUL: “Agent Mulder! You’re safe.”
MULDER: “Paul Gross?”
PAUL: “Pleased to meet you. You’d better shower. Who knows what kind of retro-virus you could have contracted.”
MULDER: “Yeah, I’ll be right back. This Rudolph guy has to have some clothes up there I can wear that aren’t drenched in...cow’s blood.”
PAUL: “Miss Scully? You’re loaded with blood, too.”
SCULLY: “Please! Call me Dana. And answer me this: What was that whole psychotic bit about?”
PAUL: “I don’t want crazed fans running after me, but I decided you sounded like you were in danger. So I used your badge number and tracked you here.”
SCULLY: “Why are you wearing your mounty uniform?”
PAUL: “Well -- my apartment caught fire and this was at the filming studio, so it was the only thing I could wear.”
SCULLY: “And why in the world would you think to bring a rope?”
PAUL: “Well, Dana, that’s a question I can’t answer. (pause) “You’re still full of blood.”
SCULLY: “I know. Four liters, in fact.”
PAUL: “I mean, your dress.”
SCULLY: “I know. You don’t mind if I take it off, do you?”
PAUL: “Uh...”
SCULLY: “Never mind, I’ll wait until later. Oh, and thanks for saving my partner.”
PAUL: “Oh, it was no problem. You really like him, don’t you?”
SCULLY: “Yeah, he’s a great friend.”
PAUL: “Oh, a friend!”
SCULLY: (laughs) “Yeah!”
PAUL: “You wanna talk this over over dinner?”
SCULLY: “Definitely.”
MULDER: “I’m back.” (long pause) “Don’t all greet me at once. You look so utterly happy to see me.”
SCULLY: “Um, you’re kind of wearing a really ugly plaid golf suit.”
MULDER: “Well sorr-rree! It’s the only thing I could find in my size. Anyway, this plaid matches the lovely Scottish decor, don’t you agree?”
SCULLY: “Just shut your mouth so I can at least pretend you have a pitiful excuse for a brain up there.”
MULDER: “Whatever.”
SCULLY: “I guess the trouble you went through to get that phone number was worth it, huh, Mulder?”
MULDER: “Indeed. And I want to thank you, Paul.”
PAUL: “It was my pleasure. Thank you kindly.”
MULDER: “So, Scully. Shall we go?”
SCULLY: “Um, I think I’ll go with Paul.”
MULDER: (long pause) “...OH. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
SCULLY: “Maybe.”
MULDER: “Maybe? Geeze, don’t even talk to me, Scully.”
SCULLY: (laughs evilly) “C’mon, Paul, let’s go.”
PAUL: “What time is it?”
MULDER: “...It’s time to die.” (pause) “Sorry, I just had to.”
SCULLY: “I have no idea what time it is. You?”
MULDER: “I dunno. ...You own a watch?”
SCULLY: “...I own several watches.”
PAUL: “...That sounds like something someone would say.”

SFX: Tinkle.
7„ Skvadern -- Hoven Droven
SCULLY: “Field report, May 29, 1999. Rudolph Redners was killed by Agent Mulder in self-defense earlier today. Rudolph turned out to be a serial killer cannibal who performed the famous cow mutilations slash crop circles, and was involved with blood sports with bovine blood. If he were alive, he’d be charged with five thousand accounts of murder, destruction of property, attempted murder of two federal agents, and being mean to cows. His house later imploded from severe moisture due to the massive amounts of blood and the large number of highly absorbent shag carpets. Status of case: Solved.
Finally. Join us again when we encounter a giant squid in: duh duh duh...GOTHIC SHAG! The aftermath of the gargantuan...uh...shag experience. Special thanx to all the lovely little people who made this lovely? radio show possible. And Autumn, she’s the best, she wrote the thing with Brace’s help of course, and she did everything herself and...oh sorry, she gave me money to do this. Have a nice day, and to all you shag owners listening out there ... I guess you’re gonna get a new carpet after hearing this radio show.
Thanx and wake up!”

AT LONG LAST...WAKE UP ALREADY!...THE END!!!!