“Gothic Shag”
1‹(MAIN TITLE)
SFX: Mulder whistling “Boodledang,” occasional “Boodle-dang-a-dang.”
Shifting papers. Door creaking quickly.
SCULLY: “Mulder!”
MULDER: “Boodledang?!”
SCULLY: “What’s up?”
MULDER: “Nothing, but don’t ask what’s goin’ down, because you scared me so much when you came in, that a little something would have been goin’ down my leg.”
SCULLY: “Oh, Mulder, that’s disgusting!”
MULDER: “You can’t handle the truth?”
SCULLY: (sarcastically) “Truth?”
MULDER: “Nevermind, just let me finish my steak sandwich.” (whispering) “Your mom’s carpet is a boodledang . . . ”
SFX: Chomping, chewing, burping.
SCULLY: “Oh, Mulder!”
MULDER: (with mouth full) “What?!”
SCULLY: “You didn’t wash all the blood out of your shirt!”
MULDER: “What?! I thought I got it all out!”
SCULLY: “I would have thrown it away!”
MULDER: (sobbing) My favorite shirt!”
SCULLY: (comforting) “Oh, don’t cry. It’s just pink now. It’s not your fault.”
MULDER: (still sobbing) “Yes it is! I shouldn’t have worn it to pursue a suspect! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
SCULLY: “No, it’s Rudolph’s fault! C’mon, Mulder.”
MULDER: (suddenly stopping sobbing) “Okay, sorry.”
SFX: More chomping.
SCULLY: “Hey, Mulder. Where’d ya’ get the Gyro?”
MULDER: (mouth full) “Some guy on the subway.”
SCULLY: “Ummmm,” (hesitantly) “I’ll be right back.”

SFX: Tinkle, pause, tinkle. Shifting papers.

SCULLY: (out of breath) “Okay, I’m back.”
MULDER: “I’ve noticed.”
SCULLY: “I just rode the subway to the White House, had my Gyro on the way back. There was this incredibly familiar lady there, she gave me a TV Guide.”
MULDER: (excited) “OO! Are we in it?”
SCULLY: “I don’t think so.”
MULDER: (disappointed) “Oh, forget it then.”
SCULLY: “Whatever.”
SFX: Huge burp.
MULDER: Excuse me. Anyway, why are you here?”
SCULLY: “I wanted to tell you that, I got a new carpet!”
MULDER: (excited again) “OO!!!! Is it a . . . SHAG?!?”
SCULLY: “Uh, no.”
MULDER: (disappointed . . . AGAIN) “Aaaww, shucks!”
SCULLY: “Mulder, you’re crazy!”
MULDER: “What?!”
SCULLY: “What!”
MULDER: “Okay, so you just came here to tell me that you got a new carpet? You could have called me on the phone, and.”
SCULLY: “What?”
MULDER: “The phone!”
SCULLY: “After that!”
MULDER: “And.”
SCULLY: “STOP THAT!!!!”

COMMERCIALS
2‹ (TEOTIHUACAN -- NOEL GALLAGHER)
M: “Where in the ‘Sam-Hill’ are we going?!”
S: “You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
M: “My birthday?!”
S: “Oh my God!!”
M: (gleefully) “You remembered!”
S: “Look!”
M: “What?”
S: Get out of the car! LOOK!!!!”
M: “Oh ... my ... GOD ... !!!!”
S: “Architeuthis Sux . . . .”
M: “Giant Calamari . . . .”
S: “Squid.”
M: “Okay, shutup?”
S: “Don’t tell me to shutup, you ‘Senile-and-Head’!!!!”
M: “Who’re you callin’ a ‘Senile-and-Head’!?!?!?!?!?!”
S: “Run!”
SFX: Fast footsteps. Huffing and Puffing. Screeching “Squid” howl.
M: “Scully! Do you realize that we’re being chased by a giant squid?!”
S: “I kinda figured it out.”
M: “Run behind that barrel of rifles!”
SFX: Footsteps stop. Howling seems far away.
M: “What in the world would a squid be doing here, on land?!”
S: “Beats me.”
M: “Who cares?! Let’s kill it!”
S: “STOP! Don’t reach for the rifles yet! There’s a lot of circumstances that we might have to face!”
M: “Like what?”
SFX: Howl seems closer.
S: “Like ... like ...”
M: “Hurry!”
S: “What if the rifles are private property? Or they’re stolen property? Or ... ... what if the squid is ... wait, I think it’s a squid. Hold on.” (whispers) “Two, six, eight, ten.” (normally) “Yup, it’s a squid alright. But what if it’s from the aquarium, and we kill it?!!”
M: “Who cares?!?!?!?!”
SFX: Gunshots. A horrible howl of death (death cry -- sorry)
S: (whispering) “Mulder, you killed it.”
M: “Are you sure? Check for a pulse.”
S: “Eeuuww!!!! No way!”
M: “Fine then, I’ll do it.”
SFX: Slow footsteps. Stop.
M: “Where?”
S: “Let’s just assume it’s dead ... and notify the proper authority.

SFX: Tinkle.
3‹ (TRIGGER HIPPIE -- MORCHEEBA)
S: “The people came, one was acting like a woman, but she wasn’t pulling it off. Like ... her hair was red, but like, a little TOO red, y’know? And the other one. The tall ...” (breath) “Lanky one.” (breath) “His face was so blank, and expressionless. I -- I think he was a mandroid. Well, anyway, he didn’t even react until he saw the body.”
M: “Woaw!!!!”
SAM-IAM: “Yup. That’s a bleepin’ dead squid, if I ever saw one.”
S: “Woaw! Snap out of it! Hello!!!!”
M: “Scully? Are you OK?”
S: “Yeah, I thought I was on my computer again.”
M: “You gotta stop that. C’mon, help me tell these mandroids.”
S: “OK. See, I was driving Mulder to the laund- ... somewhere. All of a sudden, there’s this huge -- humungous squid in the middle of the road! I got out and looked at it. It began to crawl towards the car, got slime all over it. Well, Mulder and I ran to that pile of nicely loaded rifles. Whoever loaded them did a real good job, if I ever meet that person, remind me to thank him ... or her. So anyway, I was trying’ to get Mulder not to shoot when ... all of a sudden, he jumped up like a mad man and shot a couple rounds. The squid looked dead, so we ... I called” (sigh) “and.”
SAM: “What?”
S: “Oops.”

COMMERCIALS
4‹ (MAN OF STEEL -- FRANK BLACK)
M: “Well, here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”
S: “Excuse me?”
M: “Oh, sorry. Just quoting.”
S: “Please, don’t quote. We’ll run into copyright problems.”
M: (disappointed) “OK.”
S: (long pause) “So ... here we are, waitin’ at the local aquarium. I hope they finish with that squid soon. Maybe if they let me have it, I could do an autopsy.”
M: “Scully? Where did you want to take me?”
S: “To the laundromat. The pink shirt is making me sick! Don’t get me wrong! I like your pink shirts! It’s just that, I know WHY it’s pink.”
M: “Hey, Scully? Sorry for bein’ so stupid lately. I don’t know why I’m like this sometimes. I hate it when I get that way. I guess it’s from not getting to work on any cases for so long. That’s very strange, because, there are X-Files happening every day, it’s sort of an X-File in itself. I guess I’m getting slightly better, ‘cause I’m thinking that this could be a major thing.”
S: “The squid?”
M: “Duh.”
S: “What about the Shag Incident?”
M: “That was your case, definitely. I mean ... you took that case by the horns, and concluded with an overnighter with Paul!”
S: “Mmmm ... I guess you’re right.”
M: “So, don’t mind me, if The Case of the Giant Squid doesn’t make me sane again.”
S: “Easier said than done.”
SFX: Clumsy footsteps approaching.
SAM: “Agent Scully! The giant calamari doesn’t belong to the aquarium. It apparently crawled up from the coast. Must’ve been REALLY hungry.”
S: “Iam, would it be alright if I borrow the squid for an autopsy?”
SAM: “Sure! Come pick it up! We’ll stick it on the truck for ya!”
S: “Oh good! Thank you!!”
SFX: Footsteps leaving.
M: “Service with a smile!”

SFX: Tinkle.

S: “Autopsy number two-two-oh. The Architeuthis-sux. Squid ranging in length of forty-three feet. Unfortunately, this squid is estimated to be around three months old. Conclusion ... if this is a baby, where’s his mama?”
SFX: Loud click.
M: “I remember when we had to dissect squids in seventh grade, but ... this is ridiculous!!!!”

SFX: Tinkle.
5‹ (LAMENTA -- MARK SNOW)
SAM: “Get anything on the squid yet?”
S: “It sucks.”
M: “She means, it’s an Architeuthis-Sux.”
S: “Actually, Mulder, I meant, it sucks.”
M: “Oh, OK. I gotcha’.”
S: “Remember, ‘Sanity Is Key.’”
M: “Is that your new catch phrase?”
SAM: “I’d, uh, hate to interrupt your (ahem) touching conversation, but ... what’s up?
S: “There’s another.”
SAM: “Another what?”
S: “Another squid. About three times bigger than this one.”
SAM: (gasps)
M: “Sam, we should close the beach, you reckon?”
SAM: “Uh, sure. Yeah, uh, I’ll get right on it.”
SFX: Footsteps leaving.
S: “Almost as stupid as Colton.”
M: “Giant squid?”
S: “Yup. Ya want some lunch?”
M: “Up for seafood?”
S: “I think I can bear it.”

SFX: Footsteps leaving. Tinkle.

SAM: (far away) “Close the beaches! Close the coastline!” (closer) “Don’t let anyone out there! There’s a hundred-twenty-six foot squid in them waters! Close the beaches!!!!”
GUARD: “I’m the guard, I’ll close the beaches. For those of you listeners, there were no footsteps that you so often hear because Mr. Agent Sam Iam is running on sand. Thank you, and call your cable operator today.”

SFX: Tinkle.

6‹ (EXTREMIS -- HAL) UP UNTIL COMMERCIALS!!!!!
SFX: High-pitched cell phone ringing.
M: “Mulder. Yeah ... sure ... fine ... good.”
S: “Who was that?”
M: “Iam. The entire eastern coastline is closed off from the public.”
S: “That’s good.”
M: “And none of the stupid listeners get to hear where we’re at. C’mon, Scully, let’s leave before they catch on to us, and then Val won’t have to think up yet another setting for us to magically and majestically appear in.”

SFX: Tinkle.

S: “C’mon. Let’s get outta here too.”

SFX: Tinkle.

M: “Y’know, we’re gonna hafta stop running away from the setting soon. It’s not our fault that the plot isn’t going anywhere.”

SFX: Tinkle.

S: “I know you’re right. But this is fun. One more please?”
M: “OK.”

SFX: Tinkle.

M: “OK. That’s enough. People’ll think that we’re tinkle happy.”

SFX: Tinkle.

S: “Ya know what?”
M: “Chicken butt.”
S: “This isn’t going too great.”
M: “Commercial break? To get our thoughts straightened out?”
S: “Yup.”

COMMERCIALS

S: “Coolness.”
M: “What, do you have an idea?”
S: “No, I just thought it was cool.”
M: “What?”
S: “The thing!”
M: “What thing?!”
S: “Never mind. So do you have an idea?”
M: “I’m just wondering if you got the autopsy results in yet.”
S: “I’m sure it was nothing. Probably just a piece of hair.”
SFX: Phone beeping.
S: “Scully?” (waits) “OK, thank you.”
M: “Who was that?”
S: “The dude who did the test.”
M: “So what was the thing they found?”
S: “A piece of carpet.”
M: “Oh.”
S: “Just some blue shag.”
M: “Oh.” (beat) “SHAAAAAAAG??!?!?!?”
S: “What?”
M: “This must be related to Rudolph Redners!”
S: “RIGHT.”
M: “Come on, Scully, let’s get in the car and pay Mr. Redners’ house a visit.”
S: “Anything to pass time.”

SFX: Tinkle.

S: “So here we are ... in Rudolph’s house.”
M: “You and your freakin’ computer delusions! Get a life, Scully!”
S: “So what are we looking for, anyway?”
M: “I’m not quite sure yet. I intend to go through his personal belongings. Ah, here we are. The bedroom. Ooh, a video collection!!!!”
S: “Aw CRAP.”
M: “Lookie! He also subscribes to Adult Video Monthly! Look at all these classics he’s got!”
S: “Put those back! Hey, what’s that behind those videos? It’s ... a journal!” (long pause) “Mulder? Mulder?”
M: “Ah, this one’s my favorite!”
S: “I’ll just read it myself in the NEXT room. OK. ‘To Whom It May Concern: I hope no one will read this, being a documentation of my most evil scheme yet, but no one will bother to touch those awful movies in the closet I got for the sole purpose of concealing this notebook. You see, I’ve been breeding a monster. If I die, no one will feed them their special diet, and they’ll search for their meals elsewhere.’ Hey Mulder! You gotta read this. . . . Mulder?”
M: (from far away) “I’ll be there in a few minutes!”
S: (long pause) “You know, my grandmother told me if you do that, you’ll go blind!”
M: “Whatever.”
S: (sigh) “Back to the journal. ‘I fed my squid shag carpets, which I found to be a great mutagen which made them grow. I also fed them live humans, so if the Architeuthis Sux’s were to go out on their own, they’d instinctively seek out live humans to devour. Also, without the dietary supplements of shag carpets, they’ll breed like mad, increasing in population exponentially. They are able to breath air, walk, and reproduce on land, so I suspect the earth will be taken over by my squid within one month after my death.’ Rudolph died about two weeks ago, right? Wait, he wrote a little more. ‘The world shall perish without me! Yours truly, Rudolph Redners.’ Oh ... my ... God. MULDEEEERRR!”
M: “What! I’m here.”
S: “Shut up, get in the car, and read this while I drive.”
M: “Where are we going?”
S: “We’re going to save the world!”
M: “No, I said WHERE are we going!”
S: “I’m going to the coastguard. You’re going to a carpet warehouse!”
M: “CARPET?!?!?! What am I going to get?”
S: “As much shag as the federal government will let us buy.”
M: “YESSSSSS! Yer mommmzz car-pet izz uh booodle-dannnng!”
S: “Shut up so I can at least pretend you have a brain.”
M: “OK Fräulein.”
S: (under breath) “Dumkopf.”
M: “What?”
S: “Never mind. Cut to commercial so we can get this story over with!”

COMMERCIALS

7‹ (GYMNOPEDIE NO. 1 -- ERIC SATIE)
M: “Rollin’ in the shag. Rollin’ in the shag.”
S: “So how much carpet did you manage to procure?”
M: “The guy at the warehouse was really nice. He gave me a great deal on all the shag they had left, which was a hundred rolls. I mean, no one except for Rudolph has wanted shag since ... the eighties at the latest.”
S: “So how are they being transported here?”
M: “The trucks should be at the dock any minute now.”
S: “Great. I got Sam Iam to get some marine biologists to go underwater in cages as bait. I’ve also notified the NSA, and they’re sending reinforcements.”
M: “What kind?”
S: “Some sort of tactical submarine -- that’s all they said about it. I guess it was some top-secret model.”
M: “Top Secret? That is SO COOL.”
S: “Isn’t it though?!?!”
M: “So now what?”
S: “We get to sit back and wait.”
M: “Time for a tinkle?”
S: “You got it.”

SFX: Tinkle.

M: “Beautiful job, whoever did that tinkle.”
S: “Well, there were reports that all the squid were killed, and just in time. Their next bout of breeding would have produced hundreds of hungry cephalopods.”
M: “Isn’t it convenient how all the major disasters we encounter are prevented just in the nick of time?”
S: “Blame the writers. So like, any last words?”
M: “AUGH! Don’t kill me! I didn’t mean to break that vase!”
S: “I meant, last words before the show is over?”
M: “OH!!!!!!!!! Well ... I think that Rudolph Redners was an utter genious. He came up with the technology and know-how to accomplish all the stuff he did. The only problem with all that is he was a cannibal responsible for about five thousand human lives.”
S: “A monstrosity, wasn’t he?”
M: “Indeed. But I mean only in the eyes of the law. If we had a lot more people like him, the human -- and bovine -- population problem would be under control, not to mention technology advancing at an amazing rate. But mostly I just like all that shag.”
S: “You’re lucky we’re not in England.”
M: “AHEM.”
S: “All I want to say, Mulder, is ... WHAT VASE?!?!?!?!”
M: “Um ... let’s go to credits shall we?”
S: “You’re SO LUCKY we’re out of time because otherwise I’d KILL you RIGHT here on the radio.”
M: “Anywho!” (reads credits)
8‹ (BOODLEDANG -- Z)
[let music play for a wee bit]
S: “Oh, I know what vase you’re talkin’ about! That ugly, misshapen blue and gold disaster I keep flowers in.”
M: So you don’t care that it’s all glued together poorly?”
S: “Well, yes I DO care. After all, it’s been in the family for EIGHTY YEARS.”
[stop music]
M: “Uh-oh!!!!!”
S: (pause) “If you let me take that DISGUSTING shirt to the laundromat so I don’t hafta look at it any more, then consider it even.”
M: “YESSSSSS! God bless my slovenliness.”
[resume music]
S: “UGH. Don’t you know that prayer is viscious?!?!”
M: “Prayer is VISCIOUS?!?! Where did you get THAT from?!?!”
S: “Don’t you ever read EMERSON, you illiterate FREAK!”
M: “I am NOT illiterate! I read stuff all the time!”
S: “Yeah, like that Adult Video News magazine I saw a STACK of in your living room.”
M: “Like YOU’RE a saint. Oh wait, that’s right. You’re celibate!”
S: “No I’m not! Anyway, being celibate is better than being a nymphomaniac!”
M: “Hey, I wrote my college THESIS on that and got an A-PLUS!”
S: “Because you had FIRST-HAND EXPERIENCE with it! Your RIGHT hand!!!!!!!!”
[continue arguing until ...]

THUH END