For years it has been believed that electric bulbs
emitted light. However, more recent information
has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit
light, they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs
dark suckers. The dark sucker theory proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that
electric bulbs suck dark. Take, for example, the
dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is
elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the
greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers
in a parking lot have much greater capacity than
the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last
forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no
longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on
a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark
sucker. A new candle has a whitewick. You will
notice that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing all of the dark that has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the
wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn
black because it got in the way of the dark
flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a
very limited range. There are also portable dark
suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of
the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a
dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is
full, it must either be emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker,
friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it
is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem as the dark must
travel into a solid wick instead of through glass.
This generates a great amount of heat. Thus, it
can be very dangerous to touch an operating
candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you
swim just below the surface of a lake, you will
see a lot of light. If you swim deeper and
deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and
darker. When you reach the depth of approximately
50 feet, you are in total darkness. This is
because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of
the lake, and the lighter light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect the dark that has
settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines. This generates electricity and helps
push dark to the ocean, where it can be safely
stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more
difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to
the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem
and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe
traveling in the same direction as the flow of the
dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the
flow of dark. When they traveled against the flow
of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push
the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than
light. If you were to stand in an illuminated
room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the
light slowly enter the closet; but since the dark
is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark
leave the closet.

In conclusion, I would like to say that dark
suckers make all our lives much easier. So the
next time you look at an electric light bulb,
remember that it is, indeed, a dark sucker.