Some of My All Time Favorite Jokes

Elmo Factory

A woman desperately looking for work goes into the Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and hews and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 am the next day.

The next day at 8:45, there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly the assembly line is backed up, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil rap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

Cat Commandments


Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human
is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of
the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the
roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor
as though thou are transparent.

Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the
refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence
licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's
face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's
genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking
on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged
lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy
human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder
at 4a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from
which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking
too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there
are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that
houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall show remorse when being scolded

Cat Bathing made Easy
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any vulnerable surface they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

JOB DONE! NO MUSS, NO FUSS....& NO CLAW MARKS

My Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year
old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I
want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I
want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All
you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I
want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the
complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles,
hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my
401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
cause, "Tag! You're it."

What is a cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and loveable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats

The Melting Touch

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. Everything the girl touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring his daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted!

The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a very hard alloy, but the same thing happened.....so he too went way.

The third prince told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it"

The princess did as told, though turning red. Ta Da! It did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed!!! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after........

Question: What was the object?

(Scroll down for the answer)

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Answer: M&Ms Chocolate, melts in your mouth and not in your hand!

(what were you thinking - for shame - LOL)