The Newest Elements Discovered
ELEMENT: women
SYMBOL: wo
ATOMIC WEIGHT: 120 (more or less, usually more)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever
treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Ages very rapidly.
USEAGE: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful
income reducing agent known.
CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
ELEMENT: men
SYMBOL: xy
ATOMIC WEIGHT: 160+
PHYSCIAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes
flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging sample are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
fresh samples.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds
with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd(element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
USEAGE: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on
command.
CAUTION: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Marriage and the Intracacies
1. Getting married is very much like going to continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
2.
At the cocktailparty, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?" The other
replied,
"Yes
I am, I married the wrong Man".
3. Man is incomplete until he is married. then he is really
finished.
4. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to
get
married ?" and the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
paying for it".
5. Then there was a man who said, " I never
knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it
was too late.
6. Three rings : Engagement ring, Wedding ring,
Suffering.
7. When a newly married man looks happy we know why,
But when a ten-years married man looks happy--we wonder
WHY......?.
8. Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second
year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they
both
speak and the neighbour listen.
9. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." And the husband replied. "Yes,Honey,
but I
was
in love and didn't notice it".
10.It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still
ends up with the same BOSS.
11.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted",
next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing,
"YOU
CAN HAVE MINE WITH PLEASURE".
12. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing, either the Car is new or The Wife.
13.When a
man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
14.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
15. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning....
16. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is
bliss.
Men are the greatest
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark. None. Let the
bitch do it after she's done the dishes.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they
make a
hell
of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them,
or Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half
your house.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't
die.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have bollocks
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?
If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with
dirt.
WHAT 'S THE DIFFENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
They both irritate the shite out of you.
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time
on the end of your dick.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.
WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER THERMIDOR?
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
It's Braille for "Suck Here"
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMT & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
WHAT IS A WIFE?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A ten-pound note
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
Because they deserve them.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, what the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen anyway
TEMEL'IN VAMPIR OLANI- TEMEL THE VAMPIRE
Bizim Temel vampir imis, olay bu ya, Ingiliz ve Italyan meslektaslari ile de bir yarisma yapmislar aralarinda. En guzel kan icenin
kazanacagi bir yarisma. Ingiliz, " ben simdi en guzel kani bulurum" demis ve camdan ucup gitmis. 15 dk sonra agizi ve burunu
kan icinde geri gelmis, yuzunde sonsuz bir memnunluk, anlatmaya baslamis...
- Arkadaslar su karsidaki sari apartmani gordunuz mu? digerleri cevap vermisler "gorduk". "Peki" diye devam etmis Ingiliz,"
ikinci katdaki los pencereyi gordunuz mu? "Gorduk" demis bizimkiler. Ingiliz devam etmis" aman allahim orada bir tombul
bayan vardi, hayatimda boyle guzel kan icmemistim". Italyan, "beni bekleyin bakalim" demis, ve ucup gitmis. 15 dk sonra agizi
ve burunu kan icinde geri donmus...
- Arkadaslar su karsidaki yesil apartmani gordunuz mu? digerleri cevap vermisler "gorduk". "Peki" diye devam etmis Italyan, "
teras katini gordunuz mu? "Gorduk" demis bizimkiler. Italyan devam etmis" aman allahim orada bir bakire vardi, hayatimda
boyle guzel kan icmemistim". Temel, kucumser bir ifade ile, "beni bekleyin bakalim" demis ve ucup gitmis. 15 dk sonra agzi
burnu kan icinde geri donmus....
- Arkadaslar su karsidaki telefon kulubesini gordunuz mu? digerleri cevap vermisler "gorduk". "Peki" diye devam etmis Temel, "
onundeki elektrik diregini gordunuz mu? "Gorduk" demisler digerleri. Temel biraz mahcup cevap vermis....
" HACEN BEN GOREMEDUM DAAA"
DIAGNOSIS
I
should see a doctor." His friend said, "don't do that. There's
a
computer
at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper
than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the
computer will diagnose
your
problem
and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs
$10.00."
Pete
figured he
had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and
went to the drug
store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise
and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy
labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this
computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He
mixed
together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples
from
his
wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction.
He
went
back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the
usual noises and
printed
out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a
water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo. Your
daughter
is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your
wife is
pregnant with
twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you
don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.
Home
Email: 9602488d@clinmed.gla.ac.uk
