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I was relieved to be back in Pueblo. The flashbacks lessened, somewhat. I became a full time pioneer and lived with the couple I studied with. They were very encouraging. I did go out everyday. I attended all the meetings. I rarely spoke with my family, except for my granny. I really loved and looked up to her in spite of her religion. She was the only one who tried to understand me. She didn't always approve of everything I did, but she loved me just the same. She was the only family member I ever felt unconditional love from. I was not about to exclude her from my life.

I pioneered in Pueblo for about 3 months, then the bills came to pay my student loan. There were very little jobs in Pueblo, so I would have to work several jobs at very part time hours which would have interferred in the pioneer work. I could only stay with that couple for free on the condition I was a full time pioneer. I didn't mind paying rent, but with the job market, there was no way I could afford to pay rent and my student loan. I certainly wouldn't have time for the service either. So, the elders suggested I move in with my granny. I did.

They let me stay there rent free. All I had to do was take care of the house, cook and buy groceries with the money they gave me. I was now able to pioneer and was happy for awhile. The only problem came when I started to work a part time job to earn money for my tuition.

I applied for a hardship to delay paying my loan for a bit. They accepted. I could then devote myself to living the "truth". The people at this congregation were different. There were very strong cliques. They were also very judgmental. One sister who took me under her wings was a pioneer and her husband an elder. She had a daughter and three sons. With the exception of the youngest son, all of her children had been to Bethel. They were like royalty in the congregation. As I found out, this sister had a lot of power within the congregation. If she though something was not quite right, she had a way to guilt trip you out of it, even if the society never officially said anything on the subject. One example, I wore a tie that went with a uniform for work. She questioned me about it saying that the "unisex" look was akin to homosexuality. She was going to report me to the elders. I was called on the carpet about it, just reprimanded. I ended up having to quit the job since my required uniform "was not appropriate" for a representative of Jehovah. I knew then I had to follow all the rules to the tee. This congregation was so legalistic, it was like the example of the Pharasees and Sadducces in the Bible. However, I didn't question it, but followed along. After all, if this was Jehovah's organization, He would have stopped this behavior if it was wrong. So, there was no way I was going to admit that I had contact with my "apostate" mom.

I never really felt safe at this point in my life. I knew all the love and support I had from the congregation could be taken away for even the most minor things. I was walking on egg shells, but did it because Jehovah wanted me to. Among all the bad things I have done:
I helped a sister with her children at a meeting. This sister was disfellowshipped.
I cut and burned my arms and legs.
I took a job where I would miss the "book study".
I questioned the reasoning of the "boss sister" when she insisted that she had to lead the "field service" meetings with a scarf on her head since there was no brother there and a sister had a two year old boy present.
I still had a collection of records. Even though I destroyed the "demonic" ones, I was being too materialistic.

In spite of all of my faults, I did my best. I thought I was doing good. I even quit a job that was at the "book study" time so I could clean offices and banks with this "boss sister". We were starting to become friends. I eventually became part of this inner circle clique. They invited me to do things with them all the time. I felt like a part of their family. I even felt like she was a second mother. I even had the opportunity to visit with other congregations to go out in service in their territories. I literally covered all of Denver. I even would stand on the corners in downtown Denver and pass out literature. I was even out in weather that got below 10 degrees with snow coming down hard. The sad thing was, a sister who was a pioneer brought her 3 young children (the oldest was 8) with her in that weather. I knew better than to question it. I felt it was wrong to have those kids out like that. I even heard the "boss sister" complain about how the kids were dragging her time down since we would go into a donut shop every two hours to warm up. I thought, how cruel. I also knew I could not say anything without getting into trouble. The "boss sister" mentioned that this sister was doing the work of Jehovah, but would have to try harder and keep those kids in line.

The more controlling the situation got, the more the flashbacks started. It was getting very scary. I would take a walk late in the afternoon, have a flashback, and end up somewhere miles from where I started and not knowing how I got there. This was becoming frequent. I was afraid. I just knew I would be judged as under demonic control. I confided in this "boss sister" about what happened. She asked me if I had any sins that I needed to confess. The only thing I could think of was of being raped in college. She deducted that this was the reason I was under possession of demons. She then told her husband who was an elder. The next day, I was called on the carpet. The witch trial was about to begin.