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I didn't communicate much with my parents while in college. I did tell my mom I was getting baptized a day before the assembly. I was surprised at her reaction. She asked me if I was sure I was doing the right thing. I said yes. She told me to think about it carefully before I get baptized. She asked me to find the book "Crisis of Conscience" and read it. When she said that I knew, she was one of them, an "apostate".

The apostates that resulted from the book by Ray Franz seemed to skyrocket. The feeling of the witnesses of the time was Franz was the most dangerous threat to the organization with the lies he was spreading and we must cut off all contact with apostates, even if they were our own relatives. They were strict about these rules before, but now they were especially prone to crack down on it. I told Ronald and Freida the situation. They told me if I ever needed a place to stay I could live with them.

I got baptized. I pretty much gave up on the idea of college. I went back to classes to tie up the loose ends. I knew I would not go back another semester. Especially after another incident in the dorm.

I worked in the library as part of the work/study program. There was a guy who used to hang out a lot in the library who was also in one of my classes. He seemed to be a friendly person. He even on occasion asked me about my beliefs and said he would like to study with me sometime. I said I would be glad to.

Unexpectedly, on a Saturday night, after I got home from working at the library, I went back to my dorm. My roommate had moved out a week earlier, so I was supposed to be going to my empty room. My room was not empty. The people around campus knew that the locks were easy to open. At times, they did try to crack down on people breaking into dorms where they didn't belong, but that never really stopped some people. That didn't stop this guy I knew either. He was in my room on a chair, reading my Awake magazine. I asked him how he got in my room. He said he had been waiting around for me to start studying and someone let him in. I was so trusting. Too trusting. The fact that he said he was that anxious to study made me happy. I was newly baptized and here it was, one month later, I had a study.

We did look through the "Truth" book for awhile, then he just wanted to talk. As the night went on and the noise and the partying started throughout the dorm, he was getting a little too friendly. I asked him to leave. He wouldn't. He suddenly turned on me and had his hands all over me. I froze. I couldn't explain why back then, but now I know this was all part of my post traumatic stress disorder. I relived the whole incidents from my childhood. I just took it while he raped me. When he finished, he got dressed and left.

I realized what had happened. I felt guilty and dirty. I never should have been alone with a man in my room. I just didn't really even consider that would happen. I immediately called a sister in the congregation to tell her what happened. She was about my age. She had dropped out of high school to be a pioneer. When I told her, she said a similar thing happened to her, but with a brother. She was sympathetic and understanding, much like everyone else in that congregation. She said it would be best if I just try to forget about it. She said it would be best not to tell the elders what happened. She said she never told and she is now pioneering to make amends to Jehovah. It made sense to me. If I were to be a full time pioneer, maybe one day Jehovah will forgive me. I then knew what I would have to do.