Genie A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The Genie said: "OK, so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You have only one wish." The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?" The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete.... how much steel !!!! No, think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women: to know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment; to know why they are crying; to know what they want when they say "nothing"...." The genie replied: "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" Next Joke WARNING: The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: 1.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 2.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk. 3.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 4.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 6.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants. 7.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 8.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 9.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 11.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 12.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". 13.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. Next joke (this one is from my sister Cherie). A man sees flashing red and blue lights A man sees flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror and pulls over. The Cop walks up to the car window. The man says: What's the problem officer? Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for you’re broken taillight. Man: Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing you’re seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! Man turns to wife and yells "Will you shut up!?!" Officer turns to the women and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk." Next joke Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me you little bastard!" Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snowblower coming. Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo Next joke (from mom). Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid, last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in." The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, 'and she doesn't even know how to drive!. The third, a BLONDE male, nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. however, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it, "he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!" Next Joke A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, He accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me. "She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The bigblack dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball,3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong? "The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around." Next Joke (from Pete) A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." Next Joke (I forgot who sent this to me). Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. "Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked Martha. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." Next Joke (from Victor) "9 Facts" 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men, but, married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women some- how deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Next Joke (from Victor) "Wash Room" A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the Men’s room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff, which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!" Next Joke (from my boss Martha) Subject: Market News Some market rumors to be aware of: There is a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor has it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild. There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv. Others in the works: 3M & Goodyear = mmmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine 3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da Next Joke (from Victor) A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already." "Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector....God I miss him..." One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch. The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend." The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?" Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop somemore wood and comes back and says again. Next Joke (from my sister Cherie) Subject: Microsoft vs. GM At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the following statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9.The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. Next Joke PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED 1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 2) I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 3) If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? 5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face. 6) You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from. 7) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. 8) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck. 9) Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass! 10) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and you’re left leg was Christmas... could I meet you between the holidays? 11) You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you! 12) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 13) Could I touch your belly button...from the inside? 14) I'm not too good at math, but doesn't U+I=69? 15) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat! Next Joke Recipe For Love Cake Ingredients: 2 Loving Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1.Look into Loving Eyes. 2.Fold in Loving Arms. 3.Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4.Squeeze and massage milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5.Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6.Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately. Next Joke (Whould you believe this one came from a women?) Don't get mad at me. Subject: things women never say, but should... 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pu#@_. 4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5. That was a great fart! Do another one! 6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12. I'll be out painting the house. 13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. 14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? 16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. 17. Your mother is way better than mine. 18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. 19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few pizzas, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! 21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! 22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. 23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. 24. God if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya... Next Joke (from Pete) Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick? A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Marriage. Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? A: It's Braille for "suck here." Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Q: Why is a hurricane like a women? A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone. Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike? A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. Q. Why are men like public toilets? A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap. Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common? A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares? Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A. 1. No mind. 2. No business. Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal. Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. Why did God create man? A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Next Joke The Facelift A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back. "The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear. "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made. "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes! "she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!" Next joke (from Victor) Subject: Special High Intensity Training Date: Friday, February 26, 1999 3:01 PM Special High Intensity Training Memo: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Next joke (from Victor) 3 Mice in a Bar Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat." Next joke (from Victor) THIS IS FROM AN ACTUAL TRIAL IN UK A YOUNG WOMAN WHO WAS SEVERAL MONTHS PREGNANT BOARDED A BUS.THEN SHE NOTICED A YOUNG MAN SMILING AT HER SHE BEGAN FEELING HUMILIATED ON ACCOUNT OF HER CONDITION.SHE CHANGED HER SEAT AND HE SEEMED MORE AMUSED.SHE MOVED AGAIN AND THEN ON HER FOURTH MOVE HE BURST OUT LAUGHING.SHE HAD HIM ARRESTED . THEN THE CASE CAME BEFORE THE COURT,THE YOUNG MAN WAS ASKED WHY HE ACTED IN SUCH A MANNER.HIS REPLY WAS "WHEN THE LADY BOARDED THE BUS I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING SHE WAS PREGNANT.SHE SAT UNDER AN ADVERTISEMENT WHICH READ 'COMING SOONTHE GOLD DUST TWINS' THEN SHE MOVED UNDER ONE THAT READ 'SLOANS LINIMENTS REMOVE SWELLING'.I WAS EVEN MORE AMUSED WHEN SHE SAT UNDER A SHAVING ADVERTISEMENT WHICH READ 'WILLIAM'S STICK DID THE TRICK' THEN I COULD NOT CONTROL MYSELF ANY LONGER WHEN THE FOURTH MOVE SHE SAT UNDER AN ADVERTISEMENT WHICH READ 'DUNLOP RUBBER WOULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT'. THE CASE WAS DISMISSED Next joke (from Victor) A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and asks, "what's wrong with a man telling you your hair smells nice. The woman then replies, "he's a midget." Next joke (from my mom) A drunk staggers into the local police precinct with a car key in his hand, holding it like he was about to stick it in an ignition. He says, "I = want to report a stolen car". The cop says, "what kind of car?" "Sa Cadillac". "When was it stolen?" "Don't know" "Where was it stolen from?" "Don't know" "Where did you last see it?" "It wuz right here" says the drunk pointing at the key. The cop says, "Mister. you're too drunk to file an intelligent rep= ort -beside that, your zipper is open and you're exposed. I could run in for indecent exposure". The drunk looks down at his fly and says, "o'migod, they got my girlfriend too!" Next joke (from Victor) The Small Head A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" Next joke (from Victor) Day at the zoo. It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." Crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" For the day at the zoo. Next Joke (from Carolyn) For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work You and me ..... and you're sitting there reading jokes. Next Joke (from Carolyn) A Frog's Tale DO NOT SAVE THIS, PASS IT ON A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to Funny fact (from Mom). Only in America . . . Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance! Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink! Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions! Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke! Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters! Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of crap in the garage! Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place! Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight! Only in America...do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood~sucking creatures!" Only in America do we have drive~up ATM machines with Braille lettering! Next Joke (from Mom) A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. " At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen. Next Variations On Murphy's Law 1. The Law of Common Sense Never accept a drink from a urologist. 2. The Law of Reality Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 3. The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 4. The Law of Volunteering If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. 5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 6. The Law of Motivation Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 7. Boob's Law You always find something in the last place you look. 8. Wailer's Law Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 9. Law of Probable Dispersal Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 10. Law of Volunteer Labor People are always available for work in the past tense. 11. Conway's Law In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. 12. Iron Law of Distribution Them that has, gets. 13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology There is always one more bug. 14. Law of Drunkenness You can't fall off the floor. 15. Heeler's Law The first myth of management is that it exists. 16. Osborne's Law Variables won't; constants aren't. 17. Main's Law For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 18. Weinberg's Second Law If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. Next Smart Guys There was this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road one day till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag. Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?" Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens." Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..." Billy Joe: "Shoot, Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you 'both' of them" Next Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary "Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." "I need you" == "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys" == "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." == "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." "I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" == "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you bye now." "I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." == "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!" Next George's Physical 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" Next THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beasts, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Calvin says to Hobbes, "It's too bad life couldn't be more like the movies" Then after contemplation, "But then what would we watch for entertainment?" Next Would you believe a lawyer... A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled took his gun, careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer,"I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?" Next Old Lady And The Bank President A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with thepresident of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." Next The Audit A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. 'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." Next Railroad Job Interview Andy wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. The inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track? Andy said," I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down to the signal box", said Andy. "and use the manual lever there." "What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector. "Then..." Andy continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well.....in that case," persevered Andy, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the PUBLIC emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..." "What would you do if THAT was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Brown." This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that???" "Because he's never seen a train wreck !! " Next Follow that Man A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "Yes, I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." Next Women's Clever Answers To Pick-Up Lines Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.) Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh.You're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" Next Joke WHO IS JACK SCHITT?THE LINEAGE IS REVEALED: Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 11 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens weddings. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you correct them Next Joke The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO 10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day." 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo. 3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them. And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO 1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape Next Joke IT'S PAYBACK TIME Well, the blondes finally got together to get back at the brunettes. Here's their revenge: What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown bagging it. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet? " Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage. Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache. Next Joke Golf A father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. On the way out to the first tee they are joking, boasting, and cussing. This is very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a fine looking woman carrying her clubs approaches them. She explains that her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree. Soon afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss in her presence. The lady then turns to the three of them and says, -"Listen, boys, I don't care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game." She then proceeds to tee off. All eyes are on her butt she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for at least par on every hole. When they get to the 18th green, she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, -"I want to thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I have never shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt. If any of your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a night of hot sex that you'll never forget." The son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says,-"Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go into the cup." Then, the father says,-"Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole, and fall into the cup." The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says,-"To hell with the putt, that's a Gimme." Next Joke A blonde went to her mailbox several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery. Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail". Next BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Your gene pool needs a little chlorine JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . .He Shoots..He..Scores! You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! Forget world peace Visualize using your turn signal My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN I used to have a handle on life, but it broke WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder The more you complain, the longer God makes you live IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now Out of my mind... Back in five minutes I took an IQ test and the results were negative Where there's a will... I want to be on it Consciousness: That annoying time between naps Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else and the #1 bumper sticker of the week.............. Honk If You Want To See My Finger Next Joke The Wisdom of Supermodels. ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." > > -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." > > -Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." > > -Christie Brinkley ON SELF-ESTEEM "I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." > > -Tatjana Patitz ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." > > -Kathy Ireland, starof 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." > > -Kim Alexis ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." > > -Tyra Banks ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." > > -Tyra Banks ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." > > -Gabrielle Reece ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" > > -Beverly Johnson ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." > > -Cheryl Tiegs ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." > > -Tatjana Patitz ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath." > > -Naomi Campbell ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." > > -Carol Alt ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." > > -Cindy Crawford ON ECONOMICS "I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day." > > -Linda Evangelista ON THOUGHT "When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." > > -Paulina Porizkova ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." > > -Linda Evangelista ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." > > -Kate Moss ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." > > -Linda Evangelista Next Joke A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune........the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off. Next Joke Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!" Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up." Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?? "Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!" Next Joke Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, Mister?" "A bird," The guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here". The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire." Next Joke The Dear John Letter The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others." Next Joke A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. As the first batter approached home plate, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the shouting game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first base. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run yea basted, rerun man!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he's got four balls." The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with Pride, man....... Walk with Pride!" Next Joke A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE. Next Joke Beloved Dog One fall day, Joe was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Joe went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Joe. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Joe then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man. Next Joke Three Dogs Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for. The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office has complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me to sleep." All the dogs agree that this is a great shame. The Poodle then states why he's at the in. "Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I should be put to sleep so that I don't cause any more accidents." All the dogs shake their heads in sadness. Then the Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story. "Well, my owner had just had a bath," he says. "She was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and had my way with her." "So are you here to be put to sleep as well then?" Asked the Poodle. "No" came the reply, "I'm just getting my nails Trimmed." Next Joke Clue In Ads A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first daughter wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwellhouse coffee". The Mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwellhouse coffee ad, and it said; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy. Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She finally found one and fainted............... The ad reads: "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS." Next Joke Which condom would you use...? Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca-Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.' Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: where do you want to go today? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!' Chevron: use them? People do. Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border MCI: for friends and family Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are United Airlines travel pack: Fly United The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. Next Joke A woman went in to see her gynecologist as she was having "female" problems. After the doctor hears what the problem is, he gives her a prescription for some male hormones and tells her to call him back in a couple weeks to advise him how she's coming along. Two weeks go by and the woman calls her doctor as requested. "Hey, Doc, I've been taking the pills you prescribed and I'd like to talk to you about the hair on my chest." The puzzled doc replies, "Hair on your chest? How far down does it go?" To which the woman responds, "All the way down to my balls, and that's something else I'd like to talk to you about! Next Joke Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!" Next Joke A Doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!" Next Joke A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom and the guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them. Giant stuffed animals on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and lots of smaller stuffed animals on the bottom shelf. Later after they had had sex, he turned to her and asked...... "So ... how was I?" "Well, she said...... You can take anything from the bottom shelf. Next Joke A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her there. They go together husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor starts to flat line . . . no pulse...no pulse, no heart rate, no blood pressure. The nurses run into the room. "What happened?!" they exclaim. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked!" Next Joke Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not." Next Joke Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" "Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it. "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well... not exactly...." "I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead." Next Joke The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." Next Joke A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teach gave him a candy kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?" Jimmy replied "No." The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Jimmy said "Nooooo." The teacher said, "I’ll give you a hint...it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT....... IT'S A PIECE OF ASS." Next JOKE A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww-what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess? Small cox??" Next Joke Once again, miscommunication between women and men A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?", asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" Next Joke There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. "Yes," she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 the next morning. They went down to the river at 6 a.m. the next day and began fishing. After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down." Being nice, he had wanted to let her decide. The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing. Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again, the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex followed. That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again tomorrow. The woman agreed. At 6 the next morning, they got to the river. "Up or Down," the hopeful man asked. "Down," the woman replied. A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or Down" the man asked. "Up," the woman said. "Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex, what's going on?" "Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!' Next Joke Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read.......... "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00." Next Joke A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!" Next Joke God to Adam One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." Next Joke A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?" Next Joke A guy runs in to a drugstore with his kid to do some quick shopping. They go past the condom rack and the kid asks about them. Well son they-re called rubbers and they are for protection when having sex dad explains. Why do the come in three packs the kid asks. That-s for high school boys 1 each for fri sat and sun night. then the kid see-s the 6 pack and asks what that-s for. Dad explains that-s for college guys 2 ea. for fri sat and sun. As luck would have it the kid sees and 12 pack and asks "why 12?" That-s for married man dad answers, one for January, one for February/ one for March ........ Next Joke FUN THINGS TO DO AT WALMART TO PASS THE TIME..... 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?" 5. Try on bras over top of your clothes. 6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the rest rooms. 7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy" 8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens. 9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10." 10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 13. Put M&M's on layaway. 14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms. 24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them. 28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. 30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!" Next Joke What do you call a cow with no legs? -ground beef. Next Joke Mike likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. Next Joke Top Ten Things Men Know about Women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Next Joke A retired gentleman was trying to catch a nap on his front porch when a jogger stopped and asked the time. "8:15" He was thanked and the jogger went on. Knowing that his nap would probably be disturbed again, he made a sign that said "I DON'T KNOW THE TIME". He was soon awakened by a jogger who said, "It's 8:35." Next Joke The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray. Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung. Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it. Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray! Next Joke Doctor Smith and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the Doctor and says, "Hi, Sammy." The wife, somewhat irritated, asks, "And who is that?" The doctor says, "That's my mistress." Wife asks, "You have a Mistress? How long has this been going on?" Doctor answers, "About five years." Wife... "Five years? I'll see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. You will be ruined." Doctor... "Now think about it, if we divorce we each get half of what we have. You won't have that big house, you won't get a new Cadillac every year and you won't be playing golf and bridge all day with your so-called friends." Just then a cute redhead walks by and says, "Hi Sammy." Wife... "And who is that one?" Doctor... "That's Dr. Grant's mistress." Wife... "Dr. Grant has a mistress too?" Doctor.... "About twelve years now." Wife... "Ours is a lot prettier!" Next Joke Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone was still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER! Next Joke TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. Plagiarism saves time. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. We waste time, so you don't have to. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. Next Joke Actual epitaphs from gravestones ... On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. (ed: guess they did not have personal ads then) A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. In a Georgia cemetery: "I told you I was sick!" John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid" Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went. Next Joke GIVE AND TAKE A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I'm required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most: your boss." The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach and $40 million appears in his boss' bank account. Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss' house. Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully." The man says' "Well I've always wanted to donate a kidney." Next Joke PHONE PAS A guy calls home from work, and a strange woman answers the phone. "Who is this?" he asks. "This is the maid. I was hired just this morning by the lady of the house," she replies. "This is her husband, Is my wife there?' "Well she's upstairs in the bedroom...but I thought HE was her husband!" says the woman. "What!" the guys yells. "How would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" the maid asks. "I want you to get the gun from my desk and shoot that whore and the jerk with her. It's justifiable homicide!" The maid put down the phone. The guys hears footsteps followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back on the phone as asks, "What should I do with bodies?" "Just throw then in the pool," says the guy. "What pool?" she asks. "Um-is this 294 8125?" Next Joke STRAIGHT SHOOTER An 80-year old man is having a checkup and tell his doctor, "I've never been better. I've got an 18-year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor replies, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who likes to hike. One day while he's walking through the woods, a grizzly bear suddenly jumps out in front of him. With no time to think, he lifts up his walking stick, points it at the bear, and BLAM! the bear drops dead." "That's impossible!" says the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear." "Exactly," replies the doctor. Next Joke Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the maddame. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is chineese and doesn't know a word of english. "I'll take her." He says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic etc, so he continues unperturbed. The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclaims, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" Next Joke The Perfect Day The "Perfect Day" for Her: 8:15AMWake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30AMWeigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday 8:45AMBreakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants. 9:15AMSoothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe. 12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 1:00PMShopping with friends, unlimited credit. 3:00PMNap. 4:00PM3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer. 4:15PMLight workout at club, followed by gentle massage. 5:30PMPick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror. 7:30PMCandlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 10:00PM Hot shower. 10:30PM Make love. 11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms. The "Perfect Day" for Him: 6:00AMAlarm. 6:15AMBlowjob. 6:30AMMassive dump while reading sports section of USA Today. 7:00AMBreakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee. 7:30AMLimo arrives. 7:45AMStoli Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15AMPrivate jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ) 9:30AMLimo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45AMFront nine at Augusta (2 under). 11:45AMLunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens. 2:15PMBlowjob. 2:15PMBack nine at Augusta (4 under). 2:30PMLimo back to airport (Bombay martini, shaken, 2 olives). 3:15PMPrivate jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap). 4:30PMLand World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.) 5:00PMPrivate jet back home (blowjob at 30,000 feet). 6:45PMShit, shower and shave. 7:00PMWatch CNN, Clinton resigns, Hillary animal video authenticated. 7:30PMDinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon > > (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak. 9:00PMRemy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar. 9:30PMSex with three women (at least 2 are bi). 11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi. 11:45PM Bed (alone). 11:50PM 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves room. 11:55PM Sleep. Submitted by Bryan Maney Next Joke Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . . Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They’re hiring. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they’re not going to work in the future, either. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say "fuck?" Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" What’s the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Next Joke TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND, I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. Next Joke Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered." So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off." So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said... "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says." Next Joke Tech Support Request Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Jonathan Powell Dear Jonathan Powell- This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non- recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0: -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 -Tech Support xt Think you're having a bad day? Well... 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. 3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off. 4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm In two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman. 5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally....... 6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now! Your day's not so bad, is it? Next Subject: job interview Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 08:25:20 -0700 John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager. He had set up three interviews. The first guy was great.He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears." Next On their way to their wedding ceremony, a couple suffered a fatal car accident. When they came before St. Peter, they asked if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out." The couple sat for a couple of months and began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?" Eventually Peter returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," the couple replied. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter slammed his clipboard onto the ground, obviously angered at their question. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "It took me months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?" Next Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head. Next A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake." Next A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white." Next A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." Next Subject: Interoffice Memorandum TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: Human Resources It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. So ... TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF When the fuck do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING I’m certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF No fucking way!! TRY SAYING Really? INSTEAD OF you’ve got to be shitting me. TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF ask me if I give a shit. TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF it’s not my fucking problem. TRY SAYING That’s interesting. INSTEAD OF What the fuck? TRY SAYING I’m not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF fuck it, it won't work. TRY SAYING I’ll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF Who the fuck cares? TRY SAYING He’s not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF He’s got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING Excuse me sir? INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die motherfucker. TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF kiss my ass! TRY SAYING I’m a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF fuck it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF This job sucks. TRY SAYING You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING I see. INSTEAD OF Blow me. TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!!! TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit. TRY SAYING He’s somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF He’s a fucking prick. TRY SAYING She’s an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF She’s a ball-busting bitch. TRY SAYING I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Next A man and his young son are in a drugstore when the son sees the shelf of comdoms and `asks his father what they are. The dad replies "Well son, those are condoms and they are for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys - one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up a pack with six condoms and asks "Why six ?" The dad replies, "Well, son, those are for college men - two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." The son then notices a 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men...one for January, one for February, one for March...." Next A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married." "Why not," laughs the man. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket. NEXT Think about this ...Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that Men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female Hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. Next 30 Fun Things to do When Driving 1.Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 2.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. 4.Two words: Chicken suit. 5.Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. 6.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone. 7.Laugh a lot. A whole lot. 8.Stop at the green lights. 9.Go at the red ones. 10.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance. 11.Eat food that requires silverware. 12.Pass cars, then drive very slowly. 13.Sing without having the radio on. 14.Honk frequently without motivation. 15.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture. 16.Ask people for Grey Poupon. 17.Let pedestrians know who's boss. 18.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. 19.Restart your car at every stop light. 20.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly. 21.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window. 22.While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars. 23.Paint your car with occult symbols. 24.Keep at least five cats in the car. 25.Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex. 26.Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks. 27.Stop and collect roadkill. 28.Stop and pray to roadkill. 29.Throw Spam. 30.Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them. Next Top 21 Things not to Say to a Cop when he Pulls you Over 1.I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2.Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 4.Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 5.I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 6.I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 7.Bad cop. No donut. 8.You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 9.Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 10.Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 11.Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand. 12.Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at mcdonalds. 13.I pay your salary 14.So uh, you on the take or what? 15.Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 16.Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does. 17.I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 18.What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 19.Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 20.Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 21.Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? Next Bumper stickers seen on the road... 1.A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 2.A closed mouth gathers no feet. 3.A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 4.A king's castle is his home. 5.A penny saved is ridiculous. 6.According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. 7.All generalizations are false. 8.All men are Idiots, and I married their King! 9.All that glitters has a high refractive index. 10.Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 11.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 12.An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. 13.Anarchy is better than no government at all. 14.Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. 15.As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools 16.As you read the scroll, it vanishes... 17.Assassins do it from behind! 18.Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. 19.Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. 20.Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. 21.Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 22.Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. 23.Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. 24.Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death 25.Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think. 26.Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities. 27.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 28.Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 29.Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 30.Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 31.Cover me. I'm changing lanes. 32.Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. 33.Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. 34.Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 35.Dole for Pineapple, Not for President 36.Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus. 37.Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 38.Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 39.Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. 40.Don't steal. The government hates competition. 41.Drive defensively -- buy a tank. 42.E. coli Happens 43.Eschew obfuscation. 44.Exxon Suxx. 45.Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality. 46.Familiarity breeds children. 47.Few women admit their age, Few men act it! 48.Fight crime, shoot back 49.First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering 50.Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. 51.Forget about World Peace 52.Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons. 53.Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. 54.Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 55.Geez if you belive in honkus. 56.Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 57.Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 58.Happiness is a belt-fed weapon 59.Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. 60.Hard work has a future payoff. 61.He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 62.He who laughs last thinks slowest 63.Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 64.Help support helpless victims of computer error. 65.Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. 66.History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. 67.Honk if you love cheeses. 68.Honk if you're illiteraten 69.How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away? 70.I Brake For No Apparent Reason. 71.I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 72.I Cayman went. 73.I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 74.I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. 75.I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. 76.I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! 77.I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 78.I is a college student. 79.I love cats...they taste just like chicken 80.I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight! 81.I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? 82.I souport publik edukasion 83.I still miss my Ex, but my aim is improving! 84.I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 85.I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... 86.I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 87.I'm not as think as you drunk I am 88.If it's too loud, you're too old. 89.If money could talk, it would say goodbye. 90.If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? 91.If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. 92.If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. 93.If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! 94.Impeach the President. . . and Fire Bill, too 95.In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. 96.IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. 97.Is there life before coffee? 98.It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. 99.It works better if you plug it in. 100.It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 101.It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. 102.It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 103.It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. 104.Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician 105.Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. 106.Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. 107.Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 108.LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice. 109.Laziness pays off NOW! 110.Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control! 111.Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 112.Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. 113.Life's a bitch, then you die. 114.Life's too short to dance with ugly men. 115.Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 116.Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 117.LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools. 118.Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 119.Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. 120.Mediocrity thrives on standardization. 121.Montana --- At least our cows are sane! 122.MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. 123.My karma ran over your dogma. 124.My other wife is beautiful. 125.My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. 126.Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. 127.Never play leap frog with a unicorn. 128.No Radio - Already Stolen 129.Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! 130.Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. 131.Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 132.Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 133.Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 134.Pertaining to the upcoming elections 135.Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. 136.Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 137.Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. 138.Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. 139.Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. 140.Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. 141.Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! 142.REHAB is for quitters 143.Save California; when you leave take someone with you. 144.Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter 145.Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. 146.Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle. 147.Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!! 148.Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 149.Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. 150.Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. 151.So many pedestrians, so little time. 152.Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. 153.Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill. 154.Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep 155.Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 156.SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. 157.Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist. 158.The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. 159.The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 160.The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. 161.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 162.The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. 163.The road to to success is always under construction. 164.The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 165.The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. 166.There's one in every crowd and they always find me. 167.This is not an abandoned vehicle. 168.Those who can't write, write help files. 169.Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! 170.Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. 171.To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. 172.To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. 173.Today is the last day of your life so far. 174.TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. 175.Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. 176.Visualize Using Your Turn Signal 177.Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. 178.Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. 179.Wasting time is an important part of life. 180.We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 181.We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. 182.We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? 183.We're staying together for the sake of the cats. 184.Welcome to Texas, now go home. 185.When all else fails, read the instructions. 186.When in doubt, don't bother. 187.When in doubt, ignore it. 188.When there's a will, I want to be in it! 189.When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). 190.When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. 191.Which came first? The woman or the department store? 192.Who cares who's on board? 193.Will Rogers never met a lawyer. 194.Wink. I'll do the rest. 195.Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. 196.Work is for people who don't know how to fish 197.Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Next Poem For Those Over 35 Computer was something on TV From a science-fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2-inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead. Next A Captain in the French Foreign Legion was transferred to his new command in a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at his new outpost for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it any more, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Not exactly, sir. They usually just ride it into town!" Next joke Health Plans...HMO vs. PPO The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan Next joke An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks is she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it wasn't too bad the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!" "I know" he says, "Your father gave me $1,000 to give you". Next joke Why Men Stand & Pee Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. "Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms....." Next Joke A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost 24 hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for $100." "That's right, I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." says the man. "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." Next ~ Things to do in an elevator ~ 1) Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking. 5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 6) Ask, "did you feel that?" 7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 8) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic. They'll open up again." 9) Swat at flies that don't exist. 10) Tell people that you can see their aura. 11) Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it. 12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up. All of you. Just Shut up!!!" 13) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, as "Got enough air in there?" 14) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM," and back away slowly. 16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers. 17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 20) Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile, then announce "I have new socks on." 21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!" 22) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you. 23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. 24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. 25) Hold the doors open, and say that you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?" 26) Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That's mine!" Next Joke A blonde and her boyfriend are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The boyfriend takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. He eventually meets with an old cowboy who will sell him a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." He buys the bull and goes to the local telegraph office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my girlfriend in Louisiana that says: "Have found the stud bull for our ranch; bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells him, "Telegrams to anywhere in the US are $. 75 per word." He thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" "Comfortable," replies the boyfriend. The man asks, "I'm sorry, sir, but is your girlfriend gonna understand this telegram?" The boyfriend replies, "My girlfriend is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will see, COM-FOR-DA-BULL." NEXT RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW......... 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday =3D sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it! 16. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But don't worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together. NEXT THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave HOUSE PET 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbi WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig FAVORITE SPORT 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone" FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man HOUSE PET 17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast NEXT A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." Next Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? "The handcuffs are tight because they're new.They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going.I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning!You want a warning?O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota.Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "In God we trust, all others are suspects." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers? Next Joke Two tourists were driving through New York State. As they were approaching Poughkeepsie, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee, " Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are , very slowly?" The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing. Next Joke A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!" Next Joke A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds." Next Joke CHINESE PROVERBS Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget And the all time favorite: Man who dance with tall girl get bust in mouth. Next Joke POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" Next Joke I've learned... ...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Next Joke Subject: Enjoy your stay! Date: Wed, 9 Feb 2000 09:21:59 -0600 A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'" Next LESSON NUMBER ONE A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of the sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. LESSON NUMBER TWO A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. LESSON NUMBER THREE When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss, any asshole will do. LESSON NUMBER FOUR A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. The morals of this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut. Next Joke Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other in a park for a hundred years. One day, an angel came to visit them and said since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do whatever they have wanted most. The two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly laughed a bit and said, "Shall we?" and "Yes, let's do!" They dashed for the bushes, from which shortly was heard giggling, laughter and the shaking branches. After a quarter hour, they came out from the bushes all hot, flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start all over again. The statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "Ok, let's do it again. Only this time we'll do it the other way around. YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its' head." Next Joke "Meyer, Kari" wrote: Subject: Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It Flavor... An American is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of Course." Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America." The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Canadian: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada." Next Three third graders, an Irish, an Italian and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay", they all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest and longest, with the widest girth. The Irish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis.' " "What kind of game is that?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three." Next One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard After about 1 full hour of complete nonstop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever" and rowed away in the orange raft. The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat. The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?" Next Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." Next A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." Next A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a young woman." The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?" "No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies. "Was it Rita Sanchez?" "No, father, I can't tell you." "Linda Torelli?" "No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any names." With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him penance. On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who asks him what happened. The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and three new leads". Next "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you peckers back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!" Next A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." Father said, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and goodbye grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and goodbye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch." Next Subject: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.... Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way ugly: She makes more money than you do Good: You're son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's you're best friend Good: You're wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. Next A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde also), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.' A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped." "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." Next Why Men Are Proud of Themselves 1. We know stuff about tanks. 2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase. 3. We can open all our own jars. 4. We can make decisions without a support group. 5. We can leave a motel bed unmade. 6. We can kill our own food. 7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 8. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 9. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend. 10. Underwear is $10 a three-pack. 11. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate. 12. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming. 13. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 14. We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." 15. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 16. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 17. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends. 18. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" 19. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors. 20. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 21. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades. 22. We don't have to shave below the neck. 23. A few belches are expected and tolerated. 24. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 25. We can do our nails with a pocketknife. 26. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes. Next Subject: BEST BUMPER STICKERS OF 1999 Best Bumper Stickers of 1999, which ran recently in the Washington Post: God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About? Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed In Dog Years, I'm Dead Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order Old Age Comes at a Bad Time In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them . I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. I need someone real bad... Are you real bad? BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots... and I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Hang up and drive. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane. God must love stupid people...He made SO many. I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen. Your kid may be an Honour Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will..I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else. HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger Support Cannibalism - EAT ME! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bomb-aimer I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! (serves you right!...PB)= Who were the testers for Preparations A through G? Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask the Native Americans! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Next A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When I broke my right arm and my left leg, you were there to push my wheel chair and do all the things that I could not. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." Next I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after a hen, when my friend's wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn! I hope I never get that hungry." Next A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!" Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied. Next The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his teeny weenie grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache, she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!" Next Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world." As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days. 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few." "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours. Next Oops...A Phone Call A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation. Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." Next A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field, but halfway through the first quarter he spotted the best seat in the house. He went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No.", the guy replied. So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!" The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died." The man, feeling like shit said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?" "No", said the guy. The man was confused, and asked, "Why not?" The guy replied, "Because they're all at the funeral."\ Next He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka This is a tow away zone No Pah King Is there a fugitive here? Hu Yu Hai Ding? Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high! No Bai Nut Ding! Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni. It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim. They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum. Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu. Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching? I got this for free. Ai No Pei. You know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? Stay out of sight. Lei Lo Phew! Does this bathroom stink? Hu Flung Dung? Next A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how the hell he would ever do it, he comes across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program". "Guaranteed like hell" he thought to himself, but desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After she leaves, he thinks to himself "I like the way this company does business." The same girl shows up the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost the 10 lbs as promised. He calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door, there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This woman is in excellent shape and it takes him awhile to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he has ever had. For the next 5 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the 6th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 lb program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely" he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years. " The next day, there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you." Next These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual files in a large US Corporation. (1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig." (2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity." (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed." (4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." (11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better." (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." (13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." (17) "He's been working with glue too much." (18) "He would argue with a signpost." (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one." (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection." (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans." (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg." (32) "One neuron short of a synapse." (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled." (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." Next There was once a man who lived way out in the Sahara Desert, thousands of miles away from civilization, with only his faithfull camel and his tiny Oasis. One day the man got so frustrated that he decided that the time had come that he should fuck his camel. The camel, being a very tall creature, was out of the reach of the mans dick. So he decided to climb onto a dune and then do the camel. But every time his dick was ready, the camel would move and the man would fall. Discouraged, the man went back to his tent, only to hear the scream of a woman. He ran into the desert and saw a band of people readying themselves to rape the woman, he quickly pulled out his gun and fired a few shots into the air. This caused the band to get back into thier car and drive off. The man then went to the woman and asked if all was well. She replied,"Oh, my hero, you saved me, I will do anything for you. "GGGGREAT, the man replied,"will you please hold my camel a second" NEXT Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John ?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke ?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in." "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas ?" "The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!" Next Subject: Rejects from the hallmark card company I've always wanted to havesomeone to hold, someone to love. after having met you, I've changed my mind. If I get only one thing for Christmas,I hope it's your sister. Congratulations on your promotion.Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back?You'll probably need it again. When we were together,you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder-what the f#$k was I thinking? As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly. Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it. They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass. The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister,you cheating ass. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. We have been friends for a long time.Let's say we call it quits. I'm so miserable without you,it's almost like you're here. If you ever need a friend . . .buy a dog. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? And for those of you in the South:Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! NEXT What does B.I.T.C.H mean???!!!!! Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful;Intelligent; Ecologist" The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know.... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash,Iron, F*ck, Etc." So, just exactly what is a BITCH?????????? B - BABE I - IN T - TOTAL C - CONTROL OF H - HERSELF So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......SMILE...... And say Thank You!!!!!!!! Next Self medication... A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably just hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him, smiles, and says, "Pepper." Next How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick" How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, What do single guys have? ...Palm Sunday Why is being in the Military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her Navel. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A Bingo Machine. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1.25, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. What three two-letter words mean small? "Is It In?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings most likely. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God I wish I had your willpower." Next These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. WORLD'S SHORTEST JOKE A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts." Next Never let it be said that ground crews and maintenance workers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance workers. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and corrective action. ____________________________________________ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. Next Kids books that didn't make it....... You Are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Robert Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell The Little Sissy Who Snitched Kittens Can Fly That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption Grandpa Gets a Casket The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Strangers Have the Best Candy Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way You Were an Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games Next True story..... you gotta wonder about those folks in Michigan. Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 14:37:22 -0800 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Next Check out http://www.funtown.com/marriage/The_Marriage_Fairy_Haha.swf Next Subject: Huh??? A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!! Next Subject: Heh-Heh!! Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greates doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" Next A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" Next Subject: Final Exam A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. Might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family. But that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Next Subject: Payback!!! A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!" Next O-K here's some Irish Humor... Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sod, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand. "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ************** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee." ************* A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either. *********** Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'" Next Politically Incorrect She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. ********************************************** Now Heres A bonus LoL........... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT: He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENTS Next I don't know how anyone wrote this and kept a straight face... This was a genuine memorandum issued by a computer company to its employees. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor! (Especially noting the last couple of sentences.) Have a laugh! If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer. Next Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...... Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...... But FART!! just one time... Next Subject: Fwd: Two versions of the ant and the grasshopper story OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his >house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle &Walter Mondale exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood. MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican ! Next Subject: FW: Acceptable Uses for the "F" Word Acceptable Uses for the "F" Word There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999 and a drum roll.................... 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Sadaam Hussein, 2003. Next The Top 8 Idiots Of 2002 Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride! Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run. Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stikkup.Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, She told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)! Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber Said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!) Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.) Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!) Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Please note that all these people are allowed to vote in the USA! Next Little Nancy was in the garden filling up a hole in the dirt when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat." Next "The Consultant" A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog." Next Subject: Fw: Parrot A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f------ ship? Next Subject: Fw: Funny quote...state of the world "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?" - Chris Rock Next Subject: Out of the Mouths of Babes ....... Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? 1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. 2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" 3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." I saved the best for last: 7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." Next Snappy answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, & he opened his trench coat & flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car & the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him &he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. ! The cop gets out of his car &walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips & says, "Got stuck,huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge &ran out of gas." And finally #5, THE TEACHER - Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand &asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete & utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter &snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, & sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top a nd sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking." LITTLE TONY ON MATH Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher r eluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'" Next LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business Next One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Ernie says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Ernie deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Ernie began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Ernie hurried back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Next Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Because you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." He continued, "The bad news is, Jim hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. He's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" Next A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer, so she told her son to ask the stewardess. Hearing the question, the stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you." Next A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question.. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'? Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie" Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me,and said "How are you feeling?" "Now what would you say?" Next Mary Witz CHI VK Kuehne and Nagel - Chicago Branch 1470 Brummel Avenue Elk Grove Village, Ill 60007 Office: 847-228-8500 Direct 847-290-3122 Fax 847-439-7696 mary.witz@kuehne-nagel.com http://www.kuehne-nagel.com ******************************************************** Subject: Fw: Spam Alert: FW: Polish Digital Clock (no joke either!) Subject: Polish Digital Clock (no joke either!) Every now and again there comes down the pike a graphic so good the fresh concept blows you away. This is a good subtitle graphic. The University of Poland science students have finally finished their digital clock they have been working on for 4 years. Go to this site to see the results: http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html Wait for it to load. This is a real clock, and its pretty cool. And check the time out too. Next Subject: Female hurricanes Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them Next Subject: Terrorist Memo (Joke) Recently we have received credible evidence there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Ass-Kissin have been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh terrorist - Bin Workin - has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time, so keep on doing what you Bin Doin. Sincerely, Bin Tellin Next Subject: I Not Come Work Today I NOT COME WORK TODAY Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today,I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." Next GOTTA LOVE A DRUNK A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push,he answers."Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. Next To my friends - who have sons.... and those who don't..... two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one. More to come!