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Child..................PAH - LEEEEASE!!!! I am twice your age... and have played/watched football since before you were even a sperm.... (NT) -- Joe AKA Bubba, 07:14:03 10/30/01 Tue

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lol, that makes you like what, the 4th or 5th Jon between here and The Shack =P Welcome though, and as far as people your age, I'm 15 also, so hiyas =) (NT) -- Justin the Okie, 16:15:42 10/31/01 Wed

Date Posted: 13:47:40 11/07/01 Wed
Author: Justin the Okie
Subject:
*growls*
In reply to:
Stephen
's message, "peeks in to discuss something that kinda annoys me.....(about the Harry Potter movie)" on 13:47:40 11/07/01 Wed
Damn my digital camera! I tried to take a pic of this, but my cam is messed up. So I'll tell you all about it. There's a big billboard right as you come into the town I live in that is a baptist church billboard. They usually put up a different message every Saturday night. Well, three times now, and twice in the last month, they have put up this message: "Harry Potter's witchcraft is an abomination to God!"
so...yah...people ARE this crazed, and a large proportion of them seem to live in this area *groans*

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hmmmmm --
Justin the Okie, 13:58:47 11/07/01 Wed
I had an...interesting convo with Kyle yesterday. I guess I'll take this to update people on new things I've learned about Kyle. Hehe...well one thing, is that he's actually heard of "Dr." Laura, and he hates her. He thought it quite when I told him about the old "I was denounced by Dr Laura" sticker I usta have on my website. So thats a good sign...then there was a line from our convo yesterday that I'm pretty sure can be interpreted as good.
Kyle: You know, I think this is bad...my ex-girlfriend has turned lesbian now.
My thoughts: GIRLFRIEND??!! DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!!! wait a sec...*gathering up my courage*
Me: Ummm...I don't think you can really TURN lesbian or gay or whatever *too scared to look him in the eye at the moment*
Kyle: Yes, just admit it to yourself I guess
Me: Or maybe she's just bi
Kyle: Perhaps...that does seem about the most sensible thing to be
My thoughts: Too confused and freaked to have them right now
shortly thereafter the subject of conversation changed to something very different...so...wow...anybody got any feedback from this?
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Justin...good luck, well who did not have a g/f and what does it say *lives with one* so keep inquiering and good luck :-)... heheh the luck is with the persisitent ppl ( old Geramn saying ) (NT) -- Simon, 19:22:40 11/07/01 Wed

- with a heavy heart tonight --
Justin the Okie, 20:06:42 11/14/01 Wed
I guess this can be termed one of my periodic breakdowns those who know me are quite familiar with...yet...for once I've been able to barely control it. I haven't wept too much, nor locked myself in the bathroom with the lights out as tends to be custom. I just feel a sort of emptiness. The catalyist this time was me hearing something I wasnt supposed to hear...some of the things my dad really thinks about me. I'll leave it at that. But...yah...I've been pretty down, and really havent had anyone to talk to at all. Not Kelly, not Sean, noone. So...*yet another big sigh* I just very nervously sent an e-mail to Kyle. This could tell me a LOT of things. I'm going to post the entire e-mail I sent, and please dont take the poem to literally, I learned some time ago that however appealing it may temporary seem, that inflicting mortal harm on myself is not really a good course of action.
********************************************************
As you've noticed of course from the header, this is obviously a different e-mail address. Same Justin, but this is what I consider my "real" address, or at least the one I use. Ummmm...I think perhaps Im an idiot or something, but let me give you the short story. My two best friends, the only two I can really trust, are both far out of contact. Sean is in Chicago, so e-mail is the only communication there. Kelly got kicked out of her house by her dad and is living with her mom in Austin right now, I've only talked to her once online in the last month. The point I'm getting at, is that I'm still rather new at Duncan and really you (and maybe Corey and Chase) are the only people I can really consider my friends. If I come off sounding desperate at all, oh well then.
All the stuff I said at first, about how I tried to commit suicide before and about the problems with my mom, all of that was true, the fact that I say it so nonchalantly unfortuantely does not change that. Basicly, you just seem like someone who can understand...alot of things. You're the first person (not named Sara) that I would consider my equal in all things. I know you're at least something of a writer, so in that too is something similar. I just...I don't know why exactly Im sending this, I just really quite frankly feel like shit tonight over some things with my dad and grandparents, and I just need to vent to something, someone. Perhaps better done in private expressed in my journal, but that only results in introspection. I find that most often the more I delve into myself the less I want to. Sorry, got off on a tangent. This all comes across as having relatively little point and jumbled together, no? Well, you should be able to determine I few more things from this. I've personally written roughly 2000 poems, this is one I wrote tonight describing my basic mood.
My spirit;
Always I told
myself,
nothing could break you,
or bend too great to bear.
I was too strong.
So why now!
have you left?
Was it I?
Who forgot you?
Maybe you shouldn't have hidden in those pills.
or did you forget me?
This mind that gave you being,
this body that gave you a home.
Passion, love, caring,
even hate,
all seem so distant.
So empty now...
coldness numbing me (though I know I dont feel cold),
a walking corpse.
It's only a matter of time
before this trickle becomes two.
And from both flow rivers
to drown me in blood.
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So...yes...rather self-explanatory. I'm just sick of keeping things to myself, Im truly sorry if this bothers you, maybe I shouldn't send this at all...Hmmmm...come to think of it though, I wonder if you're as frank as this in light conversation? After all, almost everyone throughout history with great intelligence seems to have to pay a high price for it. Nature's way of evening things out really. Makes sense if you think about it. I'm rambling now...sorry again for this, I hope you don't think me some sort of freak now. Ummmmm...I'm going to try to get myself together. If you've read all the way down to here...thanks.
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- *sigh* --
Justin the Okie, 22:50:55 11/16/01 Fri
Kyle hasn't replied to my e-mail...though thats my fault really...well, not so much my fault as I just have bad timing. I sent it at about 10 o'clock, by which time he's almost always in bed. Kyle's very spiritual in a way. He considers himself Buddist, and is very into yoga and the whole "my body is my temple" kind of thing. *sigh*...so perfect...sorry about that, but basicly he's one of those who always keeps himself in perfect shape, well-rested, etc., and usually asleep by 9 or so. I knew that when I sent the e-mail...just didnt think about it. However, what I didn't know was that Thursday after school he went with his family to New Mexico for some reason I dont know as of yet. *sigh* again...as I said...I really have bad timing. Oh well...I'll see him on Monday anyways. *hugs* to the nice people here, which is everybody =)
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Finally --
Justin the Okie, 20:22:11 11/18/01 Sun
I finally bought Density of Souls tonight at Hastings. I got the hardback, and must say I was fairly surprised to see it was the last one left in the store when I know they had quite a few more when I was looking a month or so back. Nice to see really...not that everyone would necessarily know what it's about...but some for sure.
No, Kyle hasn't replied...Im thinking perhaps the e-mail didn't even go through...oi. But...all is well with me. Remember how I had talked about being out of contact with my best friends? Well, tonight Kelly was finally able to call me from her grandparents' house ouside of Dallas. It was SOOOOO nice talking to her, and she said she'll probably be able to use a calling card and call me some alot more often now. Then, a few moments, I just finished chatting with Sean over yahoo im, he's SOOO lucky to be living in Chicago. Hehe...this has been a good night for me. Not to mention that I got to goto Lawton to eat dinner at Lone Star, a little theme steakhouse. VERY good food, I had the steak & salmon, a 6 oz filit mignoin and a 7 oz char-grilled salmon. Just wonderful. I think they have some others, I know in Little Rock and in Dallas at least. So yes, as I said, I've had a good night =)
ja ne!
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fuck --
Justin the Okie, 16:14:10 11/24/01 Sat
FUCK!
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All taken, still a good day --
Justin the Okie, 20:38:18 11/24/01 Sat
SO what if Arkansas got beat by LSU? So what if that other thing happened? *shudders*...my weekend hasnt been that bad really. I'm trying to distance myself, keep repeating "it's just a game" to myself. Really though, I had this feeling that this was just destined to be Miami's year after the miracle bounced-interception-handoff-runback play. And the fact that Hybl fell down on what was a sure TD against Nebraska, only to have them run the same play lated to win the game. Then to have our star player, Roy Williams, have an interception ripped out of his hands by the OSU reciever on their final drive...it just wasn't meant to be. 4 plays, luck really. Funny how an entire year can be summed up in so little. Oh well...we lose almost nothing off our team this year except for Rocky Calmus, and a guy noone's heard ofnamed Freddy Fleeks from Navasota Texas will take over for him...people will start to know who he is when they see his 4.4 flat speed. We'll be back.
Anyways, moving past footbal. I went with Kelly to see Harry Potter tonight like I was supposed to last night. It was pretty awesome. The guy who played Oliver Wood (Gryffindor keeper) was fawking HOTT...me and Kelly FINALLY agreed over a guy =P hehe...had a good night though. So overall, I'm doing fine, and I always have my Blue Devils to root for, as its getting time for another annual tarhell barbeque.
ja ne!
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- I can barely talk right now... --
Justin the Okie, 10:40:43 11/29/01 Thu
School has been cancelled the last two days because of teh 4" of snow we've got...unfortunately it's starting to melt and we may have school tomorrow...that would suck...Anyhow, as to the reason for the subject line. Joey and Jon just left, they both came over with their equipment and we were playing in my garage. It's the only advantage of being out in the country, noone ever complains about how loud we play. Anyhow though, Jeremy couldn't come, so we were just playing some new covers and stuff and seeing if we could find anything we liked...ugh...I SOOOO cannot do rap-rock, so we tried letting Jon sing...that reminded us why even though I suck, they aren't singers *smirk*. We actually did find a couple new things that sounded decent. A couple Veruca Salt songs and a couple Naked Aggression songs. We did a couple by MxPx that sounded ok too. Then Joey said he knew all the notes and stuff to Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus, and dared me to try to sing in that voice. Damn that little bastard...in the last chorus I hit the highest note and felt my throat really tighten up, my voice cracked, and I started coughing uncontrollably. Those two little bastards started laughing their heads off, and by the time I had stopped coughing I could hardly talk. Eh, my fault kind of...I go from doing a sort of Godsmack voice, to trying to sing that exetremely high falsetto without warming up...not a good idea. Damn them...stupid self...*whines* We had to quit then of course, and they just both toook off with Joey's mom about 15 minutes ago now. I can now just make low raspy noises. Grrrr...not the first time this has happened though, luckily unlike alot of people I dont lose my voice for days, only hours. Thing is, it usually only happens after OU games, I've never lost my voice from singing. Oh wellz....that's been my day. Had fun at least =)
ja ne!
P.S. If this gets double-posted it's my isp's fault.
P.P.S. E-mail or answer my icq messages once in awhile duck =P
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A couple of poems --
Justin the Okie, 21:47:40 11/29/01 Thu
This is something I havent done is quite a time...post anything I've written. Well, my writing seems to be progressing a bit, at least to me. These two both express the general way I've been feeling about life lately.
Who am I?
Where is the fire?
sent to consume me
and where is my passion?
Where are the directions?
Does life have directions?
Why do I have none either?
I never thought of myself as alive.
This has never felt like living.
Spending my life dreaming that is.
Give me my passion!
or let me drown in another's.
Fate, why deny the answers I seek?
IF I SCREAM WILL YOU NOTICE?!
I guess you really can't...
you would have to exist.
Damn!
Anyone want to help me find myself?
Insecurity
So silky smooth
I feel tonight.
So perfect I banish
myself from all light.
Such is my genious
superior to all around.
That I can talk to noone,
lest they hear my thoughts as sound.
2nd one can be intrepreted two ways, which is why I made the title so explicet of the meaning. Anyhow, I leave ye all now in peace, to ponder yourselves, or to point and laugh if you please also *g*
ja ne!
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*hugs* --
Justin the Okie, 04:20:18 11/30/01 Fri
For everyone in general since everyone can use a hug, but especially for Dave.
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Date Posted: 17:24:40 12/05/01 Wed
Author: jUSTIN THE oKIE
Subject:
I wish so Jon...too bad there's no old 'Stros dynasty. Personally, I was bittersweet about the D-Backs winning. Good for someone finally beating the Yankees, but I HAAAAAAAATE!!! Randy Johnson with a passion. They had a real chance that year until he put on his worst playoff permance (which is saying something for him). The Astros traded half their damn farm system to get too.
In reply to:
Jon
's message, "My predicition now: Astros win the World Series over the Mariners 4 games to 2. This is the beginning of a new Astros dynasty!!" on 17:24:40 12/05/01 Wed

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I know it is a bit late But...... --
Alex N, 15:55:53 12/06/01 Thu
What about Dem 'Canes....sorry okie I had to say that...as well as I told you soooooo....
Alex N
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Date Posted: 12:26:26 12/05/01 Wed
Author: Justin the Okie
Subject:
Eh...what the hell. Who do I talk to about doing a chapter, ie. any special info or anything I need to be informed of?
*NOTE: Justin was thinking about writing a chapter of an on-line story called Baysville.

Date Posted: 13:56:08 12/14/01 Fri
Author: Justin the Okie
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The Cotton Bowl --
Mike, 16:40:48 12/13/01 Thu
Justin the okie, the Oklahoma Sooners are going down, better get prepared now for the loss :P
OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOUIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAZORBACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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damn me --
Justin the Okie, 09:20:08 12/15/01 Sat
In an IM convo with Kyle about 20 minutes ago, Justin made a very big cut-and-paste error. Wanna see what got sent to Kyle?
Besterboi: which part do you most like to perv at :-P
princezoisite86: lol...actually...his eyes...maybe his face in general...chest doesn't look bad either, too bad he rarely wears anything tight...
I freaked and went offline right after I realized what I had inadvertantly sent. When I decided to sign on again, Kyle was already offline. I'm going to send him an e-mail now explaining most things...SHITTTTTTTTT it wasnt supposed to happen like this!
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- Well, that sure is one way of letting him know...good luck Justin. (NT) -- Greg C., 09:26:48 12/15/01 Sat
- Well, lets try and think positive....At least you dont have to up front an tell em now right? Ill say what Greg said, Good luck Justin, hope it turns out ok (NT) -- The Rhino, 11:09:24 12/15/01 Sat
- OOPS...big whoopsie there, dude...But I suppose you could try and save face by explaining that you sent it to him on purpose, and that you hope he was flattered by it? Or you could try bluffing and say you were talking about somebody else altogether? Hmmm... At any rate, it will always be memorable in your life's history... (NT) -- David in Hong Kong, 17:19:54 12/15/01 Sat

- eek!...wish me lots of luck... --
Justin the Okie, 05:34:38 12/17/01 Mon
I'm going to need it just to not have a panic attack...I'm 99% sure that Kyle never read the e-mail I sent, and I've resolved myself to come out to him today...god...I dunno if I can really follow through though. Like I said, wish me lots of luck guys *hugs all of you*
Now off to school...
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- a lil bittersweet --
Justin the Okie, 13:32:57 12/17/01 Mon
I think I can now say I have another friend I can trust almost anything to. Unfortunately Kyle's apparently completely straight. *sigh*...at least we're still friends and all. Don't get me wrong, I value that a ton, but knowing that there's never going to be any chance of any romantic encounters, well, it still stings a little when most of my fantasies for the last few months have been centered on him. Like I say though, we are deffinitely still friends, and I guess this whole crush will wear off soon enough. C'est la vie, sometimes it's better to have a solid friend than a romantic relationship, which is volatile by nature. This is coming off a lil too angst-filled, which really isn't my modd right now, I *AM* for the most part quite happy that things went well.
ja ne!
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This has me really disturbed --
Justin the Okie, 22:12:15 12/21/01 Fri
Make that literally shaking, I can't stop. Can't stop crying either...I don't *think* he's done anything to himself...god this has me so messed up though. I have pretty well accepted that there's no relationshi possibility with Kyle. That has no relavance, I absolutely CANNOT lose someone so close to me as a friend. Here's the e-mail he sent me so you can see for yourself.
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Subject :
Letter to Santa
Date :
Fri, 21 Dec 2001 15:39:29 +0000
Dear Santa Claus:
I am unhappy to inform you that I no longer desire material goods. As a child, you used to delight me with various pieces of Tiawanese crap that I no longer have any use for; a.k.a., pretty much every Star Wars and/or Godzilla toy I have ever received.
It would appear that the only two things I want in this world, you are unable (by no fault of your own) to give me. The first, of course, is world peace. But since your sphere of influence obviously does not extend to Washington D.C, this seems a small chance. However, world peace, I am rather ashamed to say, would still leave me depressed.
What I really desire is for the girl (name: Sarah [last name blanked out], most likely on your 'good girl' list)whom I have been madly in love with since the moment I spoke to her (two years ago) to reciprocate my feelings. However, she seems reluctant to do so. She has given me two reasons for not wanting to go out with me: one I cannot change, one I would never want to. If it's any consolation, I tried to handle this myself; I asked her out on Sunday, she answered me on Monday, and it ended on Wednesday. Really confirms my belief in 'divine irony.'
Perhaps when I said that no material possessions would comfort me, I was speaking hastily. There is one that comes to mind. Therefore, on Christmas Eve, I would much appreciate it if you would provide me with a gun with which to shoot myself. I'll take care of the rest.
Your faithful friend,
Kyle [last name blanked out]
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- He'll be ok I think. We all have times like that, and I think hell get over it just like everyone else. Then again i dont know him, but I would very highly doubt if anything comes of it, we all say those things, but rarely follow through...dont kill YOURSELF over worry, then again he did send you the E-Mail so you might talk to him, it seems like hes crying for a little help. He did send ya the msg (NT) -- The Rhino, 22:27:13 12/21/01 Fri
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Justin, whatever you do in the next few days... -- Heath, 11:05:51 12/22/01 Sat
...KEEP IN CONTACT WITH HIM. Let him know exactly what you just told us in this message. I don't (and will not() claim to know anything about him, but if he has you THAT worried about his life, TALK TO HIM.
From what I've read here, it sounds like he's just venting his emotions onto email...but until you know for sure, don't leave it at that.
Whatever happens, please know that I (and the rest of us here) are going to be thinking of you...and Kyle. I pray that everything eventually will work out.
***warmly hugs***
Please take care.
Peace and Love-
Heath

~Rest In Peace Justin~
