Insults for all Occasions 2

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I heard that your brother was an only child.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
I'd like to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
I'd slap you senseless...but I can't spare 2 seconds!
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.
If stupidity were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if people ride you.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you had another brain like the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If idiocy were water, you'd be a kiddie pool.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.