HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS: 

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. 

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute 

roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the 

house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or 

kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at 

night. 

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take 

them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay 

for anything they eat or damage. 

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small 

net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. 

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. 

Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug 

swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the 

mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now 

dump the contents of the jug on the floor. 

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 

pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., 

begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down 

your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up 

your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up 

about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set 

alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up 

for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of 

paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper 

tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use 

only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk 

carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. 

Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. 

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice 

cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it 

there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a 

family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them 

into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of 

the car. There, perfect. 

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of 

your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of 

the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of 

clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. 

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the 

counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the 

nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for 

your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. 

Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the 

last time. 

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them 

on how they can improve their discipline, patience, 

tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. 

Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that 

they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy 

this experience. It will be the last time you will have all 

the answers.