It is one day after Leech's suggested plan.
HALL AND LEECH ARE LOOKING AROUND THE LIBRARY.
LEECH: Goodness, I can't find anything that even resembles what we're looking for. My bail ends on Friday. What do I do?
HALL: Ask.
A WOMAN ASSISTANT CAN BE SEEN IN THE DISTANCE.
HALL: You can ask her.
LEECH: That girl? Wait a minute, where have I seen her before?
THE WOMAN ASSISTANT APPROACHES THEM.
ASSISTANT: You look lost. Can I help?
HALL: We're looking for a foreign phone book.
LEECH: Massachusetts.
ASSISTANT: Ooooh. that's lovely, my family live out there! But, a phone book, that's a tough one. We hold phone books for France and Germany. But not the USA, I don't think. You could always send off for one.
LEECH: NO! I have no time! We need that phone book now! We need random names and addresses!
ASSISTANT: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.
HALL: We'll come back tomorrow.
ASSISTANT: I won't be here tomorrow. This is my last day. I suppose you've heard about me winni....
TANNOY (voice): Will someone please take over on the tannoy? I have a nosebleed.
ASSISTANT: I have to go.
ASSISTANT WALKS OFF. LEECH REALISES SOMETHING.
LEECH: I know who she is now. I used to live near her house when she was 5 or so. Her entire family were criminals, everyone on the estate knew that, but somehow they always managed to dodge the eye of the law. This act will serve them right.
HALL: What act?
LEECH: You heard her yourself, her family live in Massachusetts. If we knew their names and addresses, we could put them on the list and put them where they belong, prison. All night, I felt guilty, knowing that by picking American names and addresses randomly, just because they sounded "gangstery," we were putting poor, innocent people in prison. Now we have to opportunity to not only find some names and addresses, but the names and addresses of people who are worthy of prison!
HALL: Great idea! But how are we going to get the names and addresses of her family?
LEECH: I spy a personal address book behind the assistant's desk.
THEY STEAL THE ASSISTANT'S ADDRESS BOOK, AND LEAVE.
HALL AND LEECH ARE IN HALL'S FLAT. LEECH IS WRITING THE LIST.
LEECH: OK, here is the list so far. "The Boston Drugs Base Inc. Drugs List for month October 2000. Prepare 200lbs. of cocaine for Ameila Fryer, 207 Hollies Bvld. Boston." She was a bad one, she used to steal the tiles of the church roof and sell them to Chinese tourists, "Prepare 300lbs. of speed for Thomas Willow, 9034 Avery St. Boston.", What a nasty piece of work, he used to put lighted fireworks in all the washing machines in the laundrette, "Prepare 400lbs. of ecstasy for Susanna Tully, 778 Horse Bvld. Boston." She sprayed CS gas at the chip shop owner, and then stole his extra portions! "and finally prepare 500lbs. of crack for Terry Gaines, 5924 Mortimer Terr. Boston." He used to throw basketballs at 86 year old women in his spare time!
HALL: We can post it this afternoon. Finally, this ordeal can be finished.
LEECH: The envelope is addressed "Judy Matthews Clinic. Boston. Mass. USA" and it is adequately stamped. When they'll receive this letter, they'll know there has been a mix-up, and the people on the list they found at the drugs base will be freed from wherever they are being detained, and these bad people will take their place. It's so nice knowing that we are causing so much good in the world.
HALL: Won't they be suspicious if it has a UK stamp on it? And with a recent date on the postmark?
LEECH: I'm sure that the drugs base have contacts all over the world, John, and we can post this letter in a rural area, where the writing on a postmark is never legible.
HALL: It's hard to believe that this entire ordeal is going to be totally finished, just by the posting of one single letter.
LEECH: I can hardly believe it, either. Let's go now, and post it.
THE POLICE BURST IN.
POLICEMAN: Sorry, we made a mistake when we said your bail was until Friday, it in fact ends today. John Hall, you are also going to prison for harbouring this criminal in your flat for the duration of bail.
LEECH: Can't we post a letter, first?
POLICEMAN: Yes, after I have examined the contents.
BEFORE HALL AND LEECH CAN DO ANYTHING, THE POLICEMAN SNATCHES THE LETTER OFF THE TABLE AND STARTS READING IT.
POLICEMAN: Oh my god! A drugs list! So you're a contact for this drugs firm as well as a buyer. The penalty for drug trafficking is life imprisonment! Oh my God! Is that a library assistant's personal address book that I see on the table? We've had a report of one being stolen around lunchtime by a couple matching your description.
LEECH: Why are you making a fuss about the address book, it can't be worth much!
POLICEMAN: Yes it is. On the back page is a money order for £5 million pounds, from the National Lottery!
LEECH LOOKS ON THE BACK PAGE. THERE IS A MONEY ORDER FOR FIVE MILLION POUNDS THERE, MADE OUT TO THE LIBRARY ASSISTANT, FROM CAMELOT.
LEECH: OOH! We didn't know that was there!
POLICEMAN: Yes you did, I can always tell when someone is lying. I think it's sick that you would steal someone else's lottery winnings. Abigail Mary Leech, and John Jacob Hall, I am arresting you both for trafficking of drugs and theft. You are not permitted to say anything...
LEECH STARTS TO CRY.
End of episode 9.
