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   The Santa Phenomenon -- A Vindication

   One of the stranger side effects of the Christmas season is a spate of
   e-mails claiming to prove the non-existence of Santa Claus. The
   arguments are usually based on:

   --Newtonian physics ("If there are n million children in the world,
   and an average toy weighs 1.75 pounds, Santa's sack must have the mass
   of a small asteroid, etc.)

   --general relativity ("Since Santa has to visit everyone in the world
   in a 24-hour period, his sleigh would have to travel at a speed very
   close to the speed of light and hence would have the mass of a small
   asteroid, etc.)

   These arguments are false.

   Let us consider the first-level effects of the Claus phenomenon:

   --ability to be in many places at the same time --invisible to the
   normal observer --non-intuitive or impossible behavior, contrary to
   "Laws of Physics"

   Then consider the simultaneity:

   A single electron can pass through two slits simultaneously, thus
   producing interference patterns with itself. It is not stretching the
   equations by too much to give the same attributes to a fat old man in
   a red suit (not to mention the reindeer).

   Invisibility:

   This is difficult to account for unless one considers Schroedinger's
   famous thought experiment where a cat in a box is in an indeterminate
   state, neither alive nor dead, until the box is opened and the cat
   observed.

   Experiments have shown that the Santa phenomenon, too, is associated
   with dual states, denoted in this case by "naughty" and "nice."

   An unobserved Santa is, of course, in an indeterminate state, but
   observation (i.e. peeking) causes the probability vector to collapse
   into "naughty" or "nice." Evidence would suggest, though, that the
   process of "peeking" is by definition "naughty." This aspect may
   influence the probability of the outcome. The lack of any observers
   who lived to tell the tale would suggest that the Santa effect in its
   "naughty" form is dangerous, if not lethal. It may involve antimatter.

   Nonintuitive or impossible:

   This is the clincher. All the evidence points to the fact that Santa
   Claus is that rarest of phenomena -- a macrolevel quantum effect.
   Given the quantum hypothesis, it is easy to explain some of the
   secondary effects of the phenomenon:

   Always on December 25th:

   The Santa effect is spatially localized, though diffuse. In effect, a
   cloud of probability surrounds it. When the Earth is on that part of
   its orbit that passes through the cloud, the Santa effect occurs.
   Given the speed of the earth, and the fact that the phenomenon occurs
   for approximately 24 hours, it is easy to calculate the size of the
   area. (This is left for the student as an exercise).

   At night:

   This is, of course, the natural effect of distortion of the Earth's
   magnetic field by the solar wind. This is confirmed by observations of
   Mercury (high solar wind, low magnetic field) and Jupiter (high
   magnetic field, low solar wind). None of our observations would
   indicate that the Santa effect is present on these planets. Early
   experiments by the Mars Sojourner are promising. There may be a
   low-order Santa effect at certain times of the Martian year although
   it seems to deliver rocks rather than toys, perhaps because Mars'
   orbit intersects an area of lower probability.

   Ho Ho Ho:

   As the Santa effect interferes with itself (as it were), interaction
   between its probability patterns and air molecules cause bands of low
   and high pressure to be propagated outwards. As these pass the
   observer, they produce low-frequency sounds, modulated with subsonics.
   The effect on an observer would be a rapidly-diminishing series of
   "Ho's."

   Tertiary effects, such as the large number of mock Santas observed in
   shopping malls prior the main Santa incursion, may be a time-inverted
   version of a similar phenomenon relating to sightings of Elvis
   Presley, and as such are outside the scope of this paper.

   To Sum Up:

   Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he can be represented by
   the Schroedinger Wave Equation.

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