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   I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I think Santa Claus is
   a woman. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
   deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it
   all off.

   The vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until
   Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find
   only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the
   shelves. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
   up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
   tree, still in the bag.

   Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. There would be
   no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped to
   the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that
   buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the
   way to the taxidermist.

   Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have
   transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there
   in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

   Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
   a) Men can't pack a bag.
   b) Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
   c) Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be
   seen with all those elves.
   d) Men don't answer their mail.
   e) Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
   jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
   f) Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
   with high heels, and not much else, on.
   g) Having to do the Ho, Ho, Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
   ability to pick up women.
   h) Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
   "commitment."

   I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
   a) Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous --
   definitely a guy.
   b) Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
   c) Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

   Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening
   test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

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