Subject: Environmental humour

Delete this if you are not feeling like laughing ....

>Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store
>commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a
>lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's
>too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up
>with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions,
>Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive
>naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual
>four-step chemical dependency.
>
>Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis
>about this: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in
>the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the
>dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
>perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of
>soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from
>the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and
>flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by
>now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
>
>"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
>started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill
>them and replace them with grass."
>
>"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
>butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
>temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
>all that grass growing there?"
>
>"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
>green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
>other plant that crops up in the lawn."
>
>"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
>fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
>
>"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it --
>sometimes twice a week."
>
>"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
>
>"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
>
>"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
>
>"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
>
>"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
>And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
>
>"Yes, sir."
>
>"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
>on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
>saves them a lot of work."
>
>"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so
>fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
>continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
>
>"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
>sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
>in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
>autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep
>moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they
>rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
>circle of life."
>
>"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
>As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have
>them hauled away."
>
>"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
>winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
>
>"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something
>they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
>the leaves."
>
>"And where do they get this mulch?"
>
>"They cut down trees and grind them up."
>
>"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine,
>you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
>tonight?"
>
>"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
>
>"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."