If you must fool around on Halloween night, I urge you to consider Glo-stiks. Or just paint a face on your pumpkin. That can be your horror.
Don't get me wrong. I like your Halloween fun and your trick-or-treating just as much as any other American family. But I've got a problem with these fiery jack-o-lanterns that turn up every year about this time. They're dangerous, for one thing. Most people don't realize that 90% of all house-fires can be directly traced to these "harmless" pumpkins. Usually it starts when some little trickster tries to play it "cool" in front of the gang. He or she punts it inside the dining-room right next to Father's oily rags or other flammables.
Old people, living in their fantasy worlds, are at even higher risk. Neighbors, thinking to be helpful, bring them fiery jack-o-lanterns without regard for their safety and well-being. When Ethel comes home from Bingo-nite to find an unfamiliar fiery face on her own front porch, she may believe it to be an unwelcome suitor, or quite possibly worse.
The risk increases still more for those of us who live in total isolation in thickly wooded areas. Ambitious trick-or-treaters invade our privacy in hopes of getting more "loot" than little Johnny or Susie down the street. Many times they bring with them the makings of a conflagration, a stray cinder, perhaps, clinging to their vinyl drugstore-costumes. They spread such sparks the way animals spread seeds stuck to their underbellies. That is the way these things get started, people have a let's-get-it-all-over-with attitude.
You say you're not the "crafty" type and can't paint your own pumpkin? Buy my wife's hand-decorated ceramic pumpkins. She sells them at craft-shows for a fraction of the cost of what you'd pay at the Wal-Mart. These "pumpkins" are just the thing for proving to your neighbors that you know how the professionals do it. They'll think you have access to trade-secrets. We'll be at Western Hills Mall on October 12-17 in front of Hair-Select across from the Win-Save. Also, a portion of the proceeds of each "pumpkin" sold helps care for my 'tard brother who needs constant medical attention in order to serve you better.
Some customers complain that our "pumpkins" are not perfect, until we tell them that my 'tard brother had a hand in making them. Then they realize how selfish and ungrateful they were to expect more. After all, not only is he a 'tard, but he wears those disproportional pants and stuff. So, if you like helping 'tards, buy some of our " 'tard-pumpkins". Every " 'tard-pumpkin" sold helps guarantee fire-safety in the home and its surrounding environs.
Join me in supporting laws that ban fiery jack-o-lanterns and promote the safe alternative of hand-decorated ceramic-pumpkins. They are almost as much fun, and the 'tards can make them cheaply.