WASHINGTON--- In a surprise move today, President Bush announced his intention to recruit the hit music group Destiny's Child to be the nation's new missile defense system. According to the president, the three women would use their super-sensitive ears to detect incoming missiles, then blast them out of the air with powerful three-part harmonies.
"(Vice-President) Dick Cheney suggested this to me," the President said, explaining that Cheney discovered the group when he came across his grand-daughter watching their music-video "Survivor" on MTV. "Dick immediately realized the potential here. I've always given him credit for turning me on to new bands."
The president said he hoped this would silence critics of his decision to junk the anti-ballistic missile treaty (ABM) with Russia, who said that the technology to destroy incoming missiles in midflight was decades off. "We proved them wrong," the President said. "Beyonce has assured me that her and the girls can stop anything rogue nations might cook up, even if they get jiggy with us and send over decoys."
Bush praised the pop-stars, saying that he had all their albums and listened to them in times of crisis. "Back when that whole China thing was boiling over, I would just sort of look at Laura and she'd know what I was thinking." The first-lady would cue up Destiny's Child's song "Independent Women Part 1," the president said. "It was like it was about me. I could dig it," he said. "And that whole 'When it's all over, please get up and leave,' thing. That's what I wanted China to let our men do.
"Ok, we've had our little love-fest. Now can we get up and leave?"
Bush then asked the members of Destiny's Child, who were in the audience, to join him onstage. The three women, wearing tight-fitting jeans and cutoff tops, rose amid cheers and shouts, attended by similarly attired dancers. The group performed renditions of their hit songs "Bootylicious" and "Apple Pie a la Mode," as the president stood by watching.
"I was down with it from like when he first called," Beyonce Knowles, the trio's golden-haired leader, told reporters after the performance. "But Kelly was like, 'I am not a piece of heavy artillery,' or something but I was like, 'Girl, yes you are.'"
Knowles went on to say that besides maintaining American sovereignity, the move would solidify the group's image as a trio of tough, independent women. "It's like, yeah, we're cashing checks from Uncle Sam, but they ain't welfare checks, baby."
Secretary of Defense Colin Powell spoke next, adding his approval to President Bush's plan. "There was a time when I would not have supported this," Powell said. "Back when the group included LaTavia and LeToya. Nor would this have been feasible when Farrah Franklin was a member. Now, however, with the addition of Michelle Williams, everybody is vocally strong."
Powell said that, given his military background, he could not explain the success of Destiny's Child. He only knew that it worked. "I had the girls debrief me," Powell said. "As far as I can understand, their unique sound is the product of untraditional arrangements, which mix scatting jazz with be-bopping and opera arias." Whatever it is, Powell said, it will guarantee Americans safety from rogue nations such as North Korea, Iraq, or Iran.
Leading Democrats, however, criticized the president's plan. "The members of Destiny's Child make excellent role models for our nation's young women," said Sen. Tom Daschle, South Dakota, at a separate press conference. "You will not find me calling Ms. Knowles power-hungry or a daddy's girl as some have. Still, the boost phase of incoming rockets is very brief. Will these girl-singers snap under the pressure?"
Others expressed concerns that a U.S. withdrawal from the ABM treaty would upset our allies, who view it as crucial to stable international relations. These Democrats claimed that the ABM treaty has insured global nuclear stability for five decades by invoking the specter of MAD (mutually assured destruction). Without it, the U.S. may become isolated from the world, they said.
When asked about these concerns, the Administration fired off a memo detailing its position. "Concerns about nuclear proliferation in Russia and China after a U.S. withdrawal from ABM have merit. But our ability to put the women of Destiny's Child in space, where they could use their ears to listen to nuclear missile bases being built and then home in on them from above with a cappella songs effectively curtails that threat. Additionally, other bands are being pursued. Talks are under way with the members of Tool, whose music contains an unusually high number of beats per minute."
A price-tag for the group's services has not yet been set, but experts estimate that it will be significantly less than the tens of billions of dollars the system was previously expected to cost.
"That is so not right," said Ms. Knowles when told about these speculations. "I don't know where you all get your experts unless it's Meanville. Cause that is, uh-uh, girl, no way. I gotta get me a Mercedes SLK230 Kompressor, a Gucci dress. Plus this hair-dye gets expensive, uh-uh."