I never forgot about my first son I think I just buried him so deep so as I couldn't feel the pain anymore. On his birthdays I always said a prayer for him wished him a silent happy birthday told him how much I loved him and cried for him.
June 6th has always been a very depressing day for me. I would look at birthday cards and wish that I could send him a card, but where do I send it. I used to think if I could send him one card he would know that I hadn't forgotten him and that
I loved him.how I longed to see and hold my son.
In the summer of 1989 I ran into Eric my son's father, we had a few drinks together and I drove him home, as we were sitting in the car in front of his place and out of the blue I say to him, do you know that we have a 18-year-old son together,
I explained that my mother made me give him up for adoption, he looks stunned sat there for a few minutes without saying a word, (I never told Eric anything after that night in my parent's driveway when I told him I was pregnant.) I always wondered what you had done
Then he said he had always wanted a son, but nothing I can do about it now. In away it was a relief to get it out in the open with Eric, for he had as much right to know as I did, that he had a son out there somewhere
I have never forgiven Eric for walking away from us.
A girlfriend and I went out for dinner while we were sitting in the restaurant this guy I knew from years ago sat down at our table, we were talking about kids just in general he turned around and said Jason your oldest son is going to get the Christmas village, I ask him who Jason is he says you know who he is don't play games, I tell him my kid's names, he say's don't play games you know dam well who he is, well I just sat they're my mouth open, my girlfriend ask's me what's wrong your as white as a ghost, I just sat there finally I tell her who Jason is. There is no way that this guy knew about Jason for no one knew about him. This guy tells us that he is a physic, He tell's me that my grandfather is standing behind me, & has something to say to me, (my grandfather died when I was 13) my grandfathers' say's your son is fine, you will see him soon. He told my friend a few things that were true and he had never met her before or new anything about her it was a really weird experience to say the least. After that night Jason was on my mind constantly, For most of the years I tried to do what I was told to do forget,tried to ignore the memories, tried to push all my memories away, I just couldn't forget. I thought about Jason night and day. He was my waking thought's. (In some ways giving a child up for adoption is worse then the death of a child. In death you know where your child is, in adoption you never know anything, your always wondering & worrying about your child.) Am I going insane how was I ever going to find him? I had no idea you could even search. Till one day at home all alone I typed in on the Internet birth mother searching. I was too scared to even push the enter key, I'm thinking to myself this is ridiculous I'm in my own home all alone why am I so scared. I finally hit the enter key and couldn't believe what was before my eyes, you always think you're the only one in this situation did I have an eye opener. I spent one month reading every thing I could get my hands on, on the Internet, I bought books on searching & reunions, I was so faraid to start my search for fear if I found my son he would hate me for what was done so many years before. I was scared of the rejection. Scared because I have nothing to offer him, except my love. In October 1997 I started my search, registered everywhere on the Internet that I could, Phoned CAS in Toronto, they had handled the adoption, contacted the unwed mothers home I had been in so many years before. Spent hours at the library looking at microfilm after microfilm.I never realized I had blocked so much out of my memory until I started to search, all the fears and pain of so many years before started coming back to me. Am I doing the right thing by searching for my son, what if he doesn't want to know me, what if he doesn't care? What if he doesn't even know he's adopted. My greatest fear is rejection. I'm scared of finding him only to lose him again Yes I have to find him, I have to know he's all right I have to know that he's alive, I have to hold him in my arms. My searching on the Internet became an obsession. I was on that computer day and night. I joined a support group through email on the Internet for birth mothers called the Sunflowers, 500 + women some searching for their child, a place to listen to others stories, they listen to you,I would sit at my computer and cry at some stories, laugh at the jokes. Some reunions were good some not so good.The sunflower's new how one another felt, we had all given a child up for adoption. You don't know that feeling till you've been there. In the group I met a woman that lived not far from me, Susan, we started emailing each other, then phone calls, we talked on a chat line.When you reunite the sunflowers say, you're on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I never quite understood what they meant until I reunited with my son, now I understand the meaning of the roller coaster. It takes a tough women to be a birth mother and I am good at acting like one, but still when I'm alone with myself and my thoughts, I cry not only for the son I left behind, but for the me I left behind also.Slowly I start telling friends about Jason. They were all very supportive in my search. They all thought I was crazy for never saying anything and going through all of this alone. I think they're just became a point when I just couldn't say anything, at different times throughout the years I wanted to tell some close friends but just couldn't, I was too ashamed of not standing up to everyone back then.January 1998 I emailed my youngest brother a long letter about my son, he was only 11 at the time and had no idea about Jason or the adoption. He assured me I was doing the right thing in searching. I told my three other children about their older brother. They were all very understanding and couldn't wait to meet him. My youngest is only nine and she doesn't quite understand the whole situation, all she understood is that she has another brother and was thrilled at the idea. Then 2/28/98 I received a call from Canadian adoptee's registry they had found my son I was in shock and speechless, they gave me his new name (Jeff) phone # and address. I was so scared, how do I make this phone call. I called my brother long distance, told him the news asked him to make the call for me, he called back in 20 minutes and said it's him, but he had spoke to Jeff's amother and she is waiting for a call from you, I called her she wanted to make sure I was doing this for all the right reasons before she would give Jeff my phone #. My girlfriend and I went to meet Jeff's amother in Mississauga at a Tim Horton's, Mary had to drive I was a nervous wreck what would I say to her, what would she think of me. On the highway my van broke down, all I could think of was getting to Mississauga how am I ever going to get there now. When the tow truck came the driver say's you blew the motor, I kept thinking why me why tonight, whys do these things have to happen to me. Throughout the years I've always thought that I was being punished for giving up my son, nothing ever went right for me. I called Jeff's amother when I got home and explained things to her she thought I had chickened out. We met for coffee on the following Monday. What a scarey feeling, I'm sitting across the table from my sonsamother and his aunt, both very nice women, although she is only 11 years older then myself, I felt like a little kid sitting there answering their questions. She asked me why I was doing this after so many years, I can't tell her any reason other then I don't know it's like someone is telling me you have to find him. She says that Jeff doesn't need any more hurt in is life, I tell her that I would never ever hurt him that I had never forgot him or stopped loving him. No matter which way you look at it he is my son. She told me that Jeff's sister that is also adopted say's that I should just go away. Jeff's aunt says that Jeff is an adult and this should be his decision and no one else's. I can understand that this woman raised and loves my son as her own. I can only hope and pray that she can understand the years of heartache I've had to live with, over the loss of my son. Being made to give him up against my wishes I'm not trying to take her son away from her, I only want a chance to know my son. It's so much more important to love and know your son then to be his mother Jeff called on Monday night (6:40 P.M.) 3/2/98 ( You know when you find your child they will have a new name, It's hard getting used to the name Jeff for all these years he's been Jason to me.) I was speechless at first, then talked for an hour, so many years of pain were gone just hearing his voice, just knowing he was all right. We arranged to meet on the following Saturday 3/7/98 at a restaurant in Toronto where he lives. The whole entire week is still a blur, I never went to work all week, I couldn't eat or sleep, all I had on my mind was meeting my son, I was fine on the drive they're until I hit the cut off, panicked I missed the cutoff, I had to pull over I pulled into the Exhibition grounds, I was crying so much I couldn't see, sat there for 10 minutes, before I could pull myself together and go back to the cutoff. As I was sitting there, I had a flash from many years before, Eric buying me a necklace, then Eric and I running down a hill hand in hand laughing, I had forgot about Eric and me ever going there Got to the restaurant and froze again crying & crying, I had so many regret's of yesterday and fears of tomorrow, finally got up the courage to go in, didn't see anyone familiar sat down and ordered a coffee, a few people came in and nothing familiar about them. I had no idea what he even looked like. All as I had was the picture of a tiny infant engraved in my mind, now I'm meeting a full-grown man. Then he walked through the door and I knew him right away, it was like watching his bfather walk in the door so many years before. Quick hug and kiss. I gave him a single red rose for the love I had for him. I also gave him a pewter guardian angle lapel pin to symbolize the guardian angle that I had so many years before told him would watch over him, he said it's strange you should give me this, I've always known that I have a guardian angle. And told me a story about his guardian angel. Over the years I've gone to different fortune tellers and every time Jason came up my grandfather was always their (in spirit) I now believe that my grandfather is Jeff's guardian angel that he has watched over him for me all these years. Jeff also had said that if I was searching for someone perfect I didn't find them. I wasn't searching for perfection only my son. We spent five hours together that day I held his hand in the restaurant and all I could think of was holding him in my arms. When we were leaving, he told me I have a family, all he could offer me was friendship. What more could I ask for. Most of that day is still a blur to me, I was so scared so nervous I couldn't even think strait. All I could mostly do was stare at my son. He walked me to my van, that's when I finally got to hold him in my arms once again, we stood on the street just holding each other. Oh my god what a feeling a feeling I can't even describe there is no word to describe that feeling it was just so wonderful. It was like I was giving birth to him all over again, holding him for the first time. Our first meeting on 3/7/98 is engraved in my heart & soul forever. (I now find it really strange that I would always dream of Jeff as an adult, being in a restaurant with a blonde woman his sister, then I see a picture of her and she is blonde, when she was told that I had called (she said that I should go away) then to find out that he works in a restaurant very strange. When I came home after meeting Jeff I emailed Alice from Canadian adoptee's and thanked her with all my heart & soul for finding my son. When I'm with Jeff the feeling I have I can't even describe it I just feel so wonderful, so alive, the missing piece of my heart that I left with my son so many years ago is back. When I'm with him, I wish I could hold him for an eternity. When Jeff told me for the first time that he loved me I was on cloud nine and have still to come down. How many years I waited to hear those words. I only hope and pray Jeff will always be apart of my life now that I have found him. I know now that I did the right thing by searching for my son. It's still all very confusing, when he doesn't phone I sit and wonder did I say or do something wrong, I know he also needs time to adjust to this situation. And I don't want to interfere in his life. Jeff calls me Phyllis not mom. (Our adult children may never call us mom, but that does not change who or what we are to them. To be called mom is a gift only they can give.) I know I can't be his mother, only his friend, he has a mother that raised him, and love's him, but in my heart I will always be his mother, and he will always be my son. There is still the pain and sorrow of all the lost years that are gone. I can never be the mother to him that I wanted to be, to watch him grow, kissing him goodnight, to hear his first words, first steps he took, first day of school, wiping away his tears, all the hugs I missed. The pain associated with the last 26 ½ years doesn't just go away. I still remember every day without him and what it feels like to live with that kind of pain. As I look back over the years what I price I had to pay for falling in love so young, giving my body to someone I loved and thought loved me to. I'll always wonder why it had to be me, why I had to be the one to give away my son. Even though I didn't raise Jeff my feelings for him are just as deep as with my three other children, I would do for him anything that I would for them. All my children are special to me.
Jeff I will never ever hurt you, my door will always be open to you I've lived with enough pain, heartache and tears for the both of us throughout the years. I always have and will always love you. Every moment I spend with you is a treasure. You will always hold a very special place in my heart. A mother's unconditional love for her child never dies.
This is Jeff and myself
taken March 1998
