For My Sister Anna by Sue

I couldn't watch you as you grew, from baby into child
I never felt you at my breast
nor held you as you smiled
Nor changed your tiny diapers and wiped your little bum
Others took away my right to ever be your mum
But let me tell you darling, although we never met
I loved you with a vengeance, and still I love you yet

To just have held you once my love
would maybe make it right
Then maybe I'd stop thinking of you morning, noon and night
To touch your downey little head and count those tiny toes
To whisper in your shell like ear and kiss your button nose
Would somehow fill the emptiness and loss I feel inside
Perhaps erase the aching and all the nights I cried

I'm wondering who's hugging you
puts bandaids on your knees
Who's teaching you your manners
the thank you's and the please
Who's watching your first footy game?
That's if you are a boy
Or sitting in your ballet class filled with pride and joy?
Are you brave when you fall down
or do you scream and shout?
Do you sleep with a night lite
or insist they turn it out?
Have you got a dolly of perhaps a ragged bear?
Do they tell you about me - or don't they really care?

The answers to these questions are coming hard and fast
Because my precious daughter
I've discovered you at last
Not within a family as you were meant to be
Not with a loving mummy, or on a daddy's knee
With a grandma or a grandpa
a sister, maybe brothers
No, that kind of happy life was only meant for others

You were in an institution from the time that you were small
You never had a family
no-one to care at all
A group of perfect strangers said that you were "not quite right"
"Not fit for adoption"
so they hid you out of sight
Who knows the life you've suffered
the childhood that you've had
The memories you harbour of the good times and the bad

These things we'll never know
because you cannot speak
Your eyes are filled with knowing
but communication's weak
Your gentle voice say's "yes" and "no"
"tea" and "go away",
And a brand new word you learned to say just the other day
You looked at me with big brown eyes
(You always knew I'd come)
Reached out a hand and touched my tears
And softly whispered Mum

I feel so empty as I lie in this bed
It's better for the child they all had said

But they took you away straight from my womb
and here now I lie alone in this room

They would not let me see you my little one
It's better not to get attached
then the pain will be gone

But how wrong they had been my little angel delight
For the pain is never ending I live in my longest night

but I did this so you could have the best my dear
I am only a child myself I fear
I want you to have everything I can not give
A wonderful family and carefree life to live

And now as I look upon this letter in my hand
My darling daughter my tears still stand
It has been 19 years or more since I wrote those words
But the pain and love for you can still be heard

How I have missed your first smile
your first tooth ,your first step
I miss that word Momma oh the tears I have wept

I miss taking you to school on your very first day
And watching your father giving a beautiful bride away
I miss the laughter,the smiles and the tears
For this is the price I have paid through the years

So forgive me my baby for I love you so
You have always been with me where ever I go
Please understand I did this for you
I love you my daughter with my heart and soul

honestly I do

ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

Anyone at all that could possibly know
The way that I really feel?
I don't believe that anyone could,
Some days I am not even sure what
New emotions my heart will reveal.

Some days I am so angry I just want to scream!
I want someone to tell me why, and
Then try again to explain that great lie,
The one that went "in time you will forget,"
And "If you love your baby you will say goodbye."

Some days are so filled with grief,
I count the hours until those days are through
Hoping my dreams will, at last, bring some relief!
They forgot to tell me about this part too,
When they told me I would eventually forget about you!

Not to be forgotten of course is the guilt
For doing this unthinkable thing,
They told us how brave we were, and just
Think how much happiness this child will bring
To two new parents who could give him everything.
They forgot to tell us how this would feel
And it wasn't noble or brave,
But rather it left us broken and hollow
Never to be the same.

I guess you could say I am having
One of those Days
When I have felt all the above,
And I am so tired of always hiding it all,
Of trying to smile in spite of it all,
Of people telling me I should be happy
To have my own son back in my life!!
He should have been there right from the start,
And for anyone who is listening today
That's what I found in my heart!

"Cathy Denny"

THE BLUENESS OF THE SKY

I used to see the blueness of the sky
and burnt-orange red sunsets
through crystal clear lenses
I used to hear the sound of birds chirping
and leaves rustling in the wind in stereo
I used to feel the water rippling
over my skin as I swam as if I had no skin
I used to cry and laugh
as I experienced the pure emotions of being alive
I had a baby,
a beautiful baby with dark hair and chubby little fingers
I lost this baby to a thing called adoption
Now, the sky is just a sky
birds are just birds
water is just water
and the pure emotions of just being alive is only a memory

Debra in FL

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