--Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things...
--One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor...
--To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it...
--Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups...
--The older you get, the better you realize you are...
--I doubt, therefore I forget...
--Age is a high price to pay for maturity...
--Procrastination is the art if keeping up with
yesterday...
--Women like silent men, they think we are listening...
--Men are from earth, women are from earth, deal with it...
--Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...
--A fool and his money are soon partying...
--Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?...
--Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?...
--Do infants enjoy infancy asmuch as adults enjoy adultery?...
--If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?...
--If God dropped acid, would he see people?...
--If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?...
--If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?...
--If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?..
--If you were born again, do you have two belly buttons?...
--If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?...
--If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?...
--Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?...
--I've learned that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
--I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
--I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to
destroy it.
--I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
--I've learned that no matter how good looking
a person is, somewhere there is someone that is sick of their shit.
--I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
--I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
--I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
--I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
--I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
--I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.
--I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones
just never go away.
--I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
